I can’t go back. I can’t go back and see all the happiness we all once had. I’m scared I’ll go mad. I can’t go back and look at my mum’s happier face, at my brother’s smile from him finally marrying the girl who he loves. I can’t go back and see the pictures of my brothers, from oldest to youngest, arms on each other’s shoulders, smiling like mad.
I can’t go back, because I’m too scared. I’m scared that everything we once had, we won’t have again. I’m scared I won’t be there if someone passes on. I’m scared for my brother who’s out there in the woods, and never seeing him again. I’m scared of dying. I’m scared of any one of the Death Eaters losing their temper, and life ending for me.
I can’t go into the future. I can’t see what could happen, I can’t see everything not the same it once was. I can’t look to see any of my brothers gone, my mum hurt, and my dad gone. I can’t risk knowing if I’ll ever see Percy again, or is he just going to be away, or maybe working against us.
I couldn’t bear knowing that you will never come back, that I’m here all alone, and that you’re gone. That you’ll never walk beside me again, that I’ll never see your smile.
I’m scared of going back and seeing what you and I once had, but never seeing it again. You risks your life to do what’s right. You’re risking your life so we all can live in a better world.
I’m scared it will be too late. I’m scared that I’m not strong enough to fight this war. I’m scared that I’ll never see you again, and that scares me far more than dying does.
“Here,” says Lavender, holding a napkin to her lip, as she passes me a cup of hot water. Madam Pomfery keeps telling us to keep our insides warm. It will make us feel better.
“Thanks,” I murmur, moving over so she can sit down. I look back up to see Neville and Colin running over ideas on how to cause ruckus through the castle.
“They’ll hurt them,” I murmur, saying my on prayer, as I continue to watch the boys. “Please Neville, Please Colin. Don’t do anything we don’t have to do. Please don’t get yourself hurt, please don’t make trouble. I don’t want to lose more than we have.”
Lavender glances at me. She can hear me, but she knows I’m not talking to her. “They’ll be alright,” she murmurs.
I close my eyes.
You’re walking next to me. Your tie is hanging loosely around your neck, and you keep running your hands through your hair. It seems as though you’re doing it absent mildly, but I think you’re also trying to impress me because you knows I like it when it’s all over the place. You and I are having this long conversation, the same we had yesterday and the day before about Quidditch. Talking over each other because we both get so crazed about things, I feel relaxed, I feel happy because I’m with you.
Day dreaming, that’s what I spend my days doing. I’m not a hero who saves the day all the time. I’m somebody who shakes every time I walk into Defense against the Dark Arts. I’m somebody who’s scared, and spends the days wishing and hoping that all this, will one day be over.
I can’t go back into the past and see it play over again, and it never changing. I can’t go into the future, and see my family gone, and never seeing you again.
I don’t want to live with just a memory of you. The memory of your green eyes, the memory of your porcupine hair, and the memory of you and me being so happy.
So this is why I play pretend. I play pretend because I control it. Because my family is there, my friends are safe, and I’m with you. I can pretend my whole life, planning the little details from the weather outside, to your fingers in the spaces between mine.
I day dream about my family, all of us, being together. Of all of us being happy, smiling, and talking over Mum’s homemade peanut butter cookies, with tall glasses of milk just like we used to. I don’t want to live in the fear that I may never see any of my family ever again.
I day dream about you. All the time.
Living is easy with eyes closed. You can dream for everything to be better, and when your eyes are closed you don’t see the hardships around you.
“Ginny,” says Colin, nudging me so I open my eyes. I don’t want to, I don’t want to see the scar running down the side of his face, I don’t want to see him limp because he has a broken ankle, but I open them anyway to him smiling, and I don’t know why.
“Yeah?” I reply, trying to act like I’m tough. Like I can do this. So I don’t look, so nobody knows how lost I fee, how scared I feel. So nobody knows I keep thinking about you.
“We’re going to put puking pastels in that candy jar that Ms. Carrow keeps on her desk. You want to join?” Colin asks eagerly. “Come on. The looks on their faces will be priceless.”
“I don’t think we should be doing stuff like that,” I murmur. “We don’t want them to get mad and start going off at first years again.”
Colin glares at me. “We’re not going to let that happen, but you can’t let them run over you. That’s what they want, to control you, to make you do the things they want you to do. Why do you have to be like this?”
I close my eyes.
I’m lying on the soft grass. The scent of mum’s apple pie is lingering around where I’m drawing, and I stop, inhaling the warm sent. Nobody is yelling at me, nobody is mad. All is quiet, and everyone is happy. The whole world stops for minute, just to have peace.
“Do you even care about what we are doing here?” Snaps Colin, his hands clenched into fists. “Remember who started the DA? Remember what it was about? You should. Your boyfriend was the one that organized it.”
“Stop it!” snaps Lavender. “Back off, Colin.”
He glares at me, and I want to apologize. He’s right. I am weak, I am scared. They are trying to rule us, but all I want is my family to be safe. For you to be safe, I can’t screw up. I can’t get them mad, because my Grandma always told me, lose a battle, but win the war. It’s all I’m trying to do.
Lavender tries to manage a small smile, but she can’t, and she leaves, walking towards her friends. I glance at everyone. Nobody is without a scar. If this is how we’re living, how are you living? Are you safe? Are you eating? Are you cold? Are you hurt? Do you know that I miss you?
I close my eyes and curl up into a ball.
I’m thinking about the future, about you coming back. From behind, you wrap your arms around my waist and whisper into my hair how much you missed me, just like you used to when you would catch me after class. I smile, and you keep your arms around me. I’m not afraid, I’m no longer scared.
For a second it feels real, like you’re here with your arms wrapped around me. It feels like the best thing in the world. It feels like freedom. It feels like I never want to let go. I don’t want to open my eyes and face reality again.
You don’t know what it’s like to feel a dark world. To be expected to make it through the hardships, but each day you want it to end. This is all I have, this is all I have that is real, all I have is pretend, and I know, somewhere in the world I have you.
I have to keep living like every day is a chance that I might see you again, because if I face reality, I’ll be lost, I’ll be lost without you, and I’m already lost enough.
Come back, Harry. Don’t leave me alone, and don’t let me face my fears alone. Come back, Harry, and pretend will become my reality.
A/N: I lost a friend. I haven't heard from him, and I'm worried. This one-shot is for him, hoping he'll come back. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. please, please review.
Write a Review Playing Pretend : There is a war outside.