Wazzup :) So this is a little one-shot that I wrote late at night, about how Sirius going to Azkaban would have affected his loved one, and I decided to share it with you guys. :) Aren't you a lucky bunch ;) Anyways, enjoy and review!
“I will love you until the day I die”
Those were the words that I last heard fall from your lips. I still hear them sometimes in my dreams, still see your smile and hear your laugh. Sometimes I even feel your kiss. But it’s never enough. When I wake up, and I’m still in that half asleep mode, I can almost convince myself that if I stretch out my arm, it will touch your warm body. But then my eyes open properly and I see things for what they truly are. I don’t see you.
Sirius why did you leave me? I told you not to. I told you it was too dangerous. It would have been better if you had died. No. I don’t mean that. But I do. Knowing that you are somewhere out there in the world, living and breathing but I’m not able to reach you is a daily torture. And it’s not even as if I have my best friend any more. She’s dead. They’re both dead. And you killed them.
I don’t want to believe it Sirius, I really don’t. I want to listen to my heart and believe that everything the Daily Prophet printed the next day was a lie. That it was all some terrible misunderstanding. But I just can’t. Not when I remember how quiet and vague you were those few weeks before that day, not when I remember the look in your eyes when the news came about James and Lily.
I miss you so much. The house that we brought, the house that we decorated with our own touches and made perfectly our own, I still live in. Although everyday it reminds me of you and the times we had, I know I can’t sell it. I just know I wouldn’t be able to watch another human being rome around our sanctuary. After all where would I go? My parents are both dead. You, Lily and James were all I had in the world. And now you’re all gone.
Most days I don’t leave the house. I curl up on the sofa, close my eyes and lose myself in memories.
I remember the day we moved in.
“No!” I almost scream in exasperation as you put the old grandfather clock, once again, in the wrong position. You lower your wand slowly so that the clock does the same. A crooked grin tugs at the corner of your mouth; tugging at my heart in the process.
Your face is still free from worry lines; the only lines that penetrate your skin are ones of laughter. And as I catch a glimpse of my own reflection in the newly hung mirror, I notice how young and carefree I look too. No bags under my eyes from sleepless nights and endless crying.
“You’re impossible” I sigh, resting my hand on my hips and trying not to smile. Your grin widens as you rush toward me and wrestle me down onto the patchwork sofa that we purchased from a dodgy looking salesman for 2 galleons.
“And you look beautiful in my shirts”
A single tear glides down my cheek. To be honest I don’t know how I have lasted this long, almost 6 months now, without you, when every room in this place reminds me of you, of us, of all the times we had.
I still don’t understand. My heart breaks whenever I read your name in The Daily Prophet, whenever I read again about how you killed all those muggles. And you always tried so hard not to be like your parents. In my heart I know you are innocent. The man I knew and loved would never have done anything like that, anything so horrific and cruel. My love for you will never end; it’s my trust that’s weakening. I have had no contact from you, no note to say that you miss me or even a reminder that you are still alive. I only know that because The Daily Prophet would announce if you died.
A part of me would die with you Sirius, but then a part of me would be at peace. The part that worries constantly for you. I know what it’s like in Azkaban; I remember going in to do some research for a story I was writing at the time. I didn’t get anything out of that trip except a rush of coldness and my parents’ deaths replaying over and over in my head. It physically hurts me to think of you locked up in there.
I still have it Sirius. That glittering ring you gave me at 8:30pm on the 4th of June. The ring that came with the promise of everlasting love, and a lifetime of happiness. It’s still on my finger. I know I should take it off; try to forget. I know it’s not healthy. But I can’t.
I can never forget. I love you Sirius.
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