A single tear remains on my cheek; I reach up and wipe it away. It's not worth it, I tell myself, he's coming back. I don't believe it though; no part of me did, even if I wanted to. Nothing makes sense without him here, it's empty, and quiet, and wrong. I should be used to it at this point, after all these months of this. I want to be done with him, but I’m just not sure I am.
There's a knock on the door, then Lily opens it.
"You okay?" she asks.
"Well, what's the worst you've ever felt, then double it." I tell her as I reach for the brush, I’m a complete mess, but maybe if I get my hair under control it won’t be so bad.
"That bad still?" She asks walking toward me.
"No offense, but you don't understand, and you never will. You will never wake up to find James gone, and realize he might not come back, that he might be with another girl while you sit around crying over him." I tell her "It never gets better." I tug the brush through my tangles but it gets no better.
"Sirius will be back." James says leaning into the room. I yearn to throw something at him.
"You have to defend him, he's your friend." I snap. "Honestly at this point I don't want him to come back." It’s useless I put the brush back down, fixing my hair is as futile as my life.
It was a lie of course, but I know it's what Lily wants to hear. James will tell Sirius that I said it, and he'll come back just to prove me wrong, that I do want him back, need him back. That's how it always goes…
"I'm so happy for you." Lily says hugging me.
I smile; I do my best to make it look real. Lily sees right through it, I know, but it's an unspoken agreement that she doesn't call me on my crap; no one does actually, just Sirius. He isn't around nearly enough too, though.
"Thanks." I tell her hugging her back.
"I'm going to go make you some breakfast." Lily says in her usual chipper morning voice.
Once Lily has vacated the room it's just me and James.
"Why do you get breakfast?" James asks.
"That's how Lily deals with things, she does anything she can to make you feel better, that means breakfast. And you don't get any because you didn't have a really shitty morning." I tell him.
"It's shitty now that I don't get any breakfast." he grumbles.
"Tell me where Sirius went and I might give you some bacon." I say.
"How is that fair?" he asks.
"Well, I woke up to an empty bed for the third time this month. How is that fair?"
"He's only been over three times this month."
"That doesn't make it better. James, please just tell me, this has been going on for over a year, and I'm done with it."
"I don't know, Calli, he doesn't tell me either." James admits with reluctance.
"Next time you talk to him tell him I'm just done with this."
"You should tell him that."
"I would, but I don't get to see him nearly as much as you. James, please just do this for me, the sooner I get over him, the sooner I get my life together, the sooner you and Lily can have this place to yourselves."
"Fine, but I want bacon."
I lay out on the floor next to Sirius, and took ahold of his hand. We could stay like this for hours at a time without a single word being said, but not this time.
“This is our last day in this room.” Sirius says, his thumb rubbing a circle on my hand.
“This is probably our last day in the school.” I tell him wishing the words weren’t true.
“It’s weird thinking we’re not coming back here next year.” He says sounding far away.
“It’s such a foreign thought that this time next year will be out in the world trying to do something with our lives.” I tell him openly scared for the next chapter of my life.
“What are you planning on doing after this?”
“Lily and I are going to get a place together, Lily wants to be healer, I’ve yet to figure out what I’m good enough at to do in my life.”
“My girlfriend is going to live with Lily; I’m not sure how I feel about that.”
“Girlfriend?” I ask, just the sound of the word makes me feel sick. “I thought we had a deal, as soon as school was over so were we.”
“Well, I just thought… maybe you didn’t feel that way still. That maybe you wanted a real relationship.”
“Sirius, I would love one, but I don’t think you can handle one.”
“I don’t want to say goodbye to you Calli, I don’t want this to end.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re ready for something real,” I say sitting up “all that means is you think you are. I can’t do this without substantial proof you can do this.”
“We can take it slow, you live with Lily like you planed, I’ll find a place, get a job, just give me time.”
“Sirius, this is the real world, not everything works out.”
He is still lying down beside me, and can feel his eyes on my back as I turn away from him. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea, not any of it. I have always cared for Sirius, and when he asked me out I was thrilled, but then my defense system kicked in, and I made him promise that at the end if the school year it was over. I thought I was protecting myself, I thought that if I knew it would go nowhere I wouldn’t fall for him. I was wrong.
“You know I’m stubborn as hell, Calli. I’m not giving up on this, so either you break up with me, and I win you back, or this keeps going, because I’m not letting this go.” He says.
“Damn it, Sirius, that isn’t fair,” I snap “you know I don’t want this to end either, I just know better than you that it’s a stupid idea not to end it.”
“Take a risk once in your life, it won’t kill you. Do something that isn’t a sure thing.”
“That’s how people get their hearts broken, so no.”
“You know how much I lo- care about you, I won’t break your heart.”
“Sirius…” I say wishing he had said love, I know he wanted to, and I wanted to hear it.
There was nothing to say to him, he knew that I couldn’t end it, and he also knew I was too much of a coward to let it go on. So what does that mean for us?
“Take a risk, it will turn out great!” I say in disgust. “Yeah, that’s how it went, great.”
I stare down at a picture of us; we’re just sitting on the floor talking and smiling. Unable to look at the lie any longer I put it face down on the table.
“Are you talking to pictures again?” someone asks walking up behind me.
“Lily, I’ve told you before I’m not talking to pictures, I’m talking to the past.” I say
“Cause that makes you sound so much less crazy.” She says laughing.
“Don’t be rude to me just because my coping techniques are weird.” I laugh
“It’s been a week, you need to move on.” Lily says suddenly worried.
“Lily, three years Sirius and I were together, someone doesn’t get over that in a week.” I tell her
“And in this past year he has be a complete ass, he is not worth this, not worth your time.”
“I loved him Lily, and I still do. You can’t discount that.”
“I hate seeing you this way.”
“I hate feeling this way, but I still do, and that’s not really going to change overnight.”
“He’s not worth it.”
“Lily, I know you’re trying to be a good friend, but all you’re really doing is making me feel like crap. So just stop.”
“I’m just saying, Calli, that you can move on now, and you should.”
With that Lily is gone, leaving me sitting alone with an old picture again. I sigh and lay my head on the table in front of me; life would be so much easier if we were still in school. Everything was simple there, I would even take the homework over this, nothing that happened seemed to mean anything in the grand scheme of life. Now every little thing that happens has the power to change everything, and this seems like it will. For better or for worse is all I need to know now. I pick the picture back up, and examine it, looking for any proof that the smile I saw on his face was fake. I thought that if it was somehow all a lie, it would hurt less, but he looked, as far as I could tell, genuinely happy, which is infuriating.
What changed to make him the way he is now? Was it me? Is there someone else? Does he just not care anymore? I have to know, I deserve to know. Why can’t he just be honest with me?
For two years after school Sirius and were great, I was convinced he was the one, it seems foolish now. We were in love, or so I thought, then a few months ago he got distant and weird, he was gone all the time, and when he was here it was just for the night, then he was gone again. I felt betrayed, hurt, crushed. He lied to me.
I hate being alone in this stupid house, I think as the candle flickers. No power, Lily and James are gone, Sirius is who the hell knows where, and I dropped my stupid wand and can no longer find it, so I only get the light of one little candle. It’s not that I can’t handle being here alone in the dark; it’s just that I would rather not be.
“Hello?” Someone calls out, the door opening.
I jump at the voice as blow out the candle, which is really stupid. So because of my stupidity I’m sitting in the dark with someone in the house. Just then a light flashes on behind me, I wheel around to see Sirius standing two feet away with his wand out.
“You scared me!” I say exhaling in relief.
“I’m sorry. Who did you think I was?” he asks smiling at me.
“I don’t know that’s why I was scared; James and Lily aren’t supposed to be back for a few days.” I tell him slightly rueful at his sudden appearance.
“I live here too.” He says.
“Really, because you haven’t been here in a month Sirius.” I snap
“I was busy.”
“For a month straight?” I scoff “Sirius, at least have the decency to tell me the truth.”
“Calli, please don’t do this, I’ve missed you I don’t want to fight.” He says
“I was young and foolish when I fell for that in school, now I see you will never change. You will always be the infamous player, Sirius Black.”
“No, just leave me alone. I’m done with you Black.” I tell him as I turn away and look into the dark.
“I’m not trying to hurt you, I promise.” He says sounding pathetic.
“I’m not one of those girls that will fall for your lies anymore. I’ve been neglected long enough, find someone else to play.” I say still refusing to meet his eye; I knew if I did I might not have the strength to say everything I needed to say. I refuse to leave things unsaid.
“Just listen to me-“
“No you listen to me Sirius Black! I was stupid and love struck when I believed I had changed you, you lied to a girl who loved you unconditionally. Well, I’m not her anymore, I’ve grow up, and I see your game. I won’t be a player in it anymore. I’m done with this Sirius.”
“Calli it’s not like that, I promise you it’s not.” He sounded sincere, but his words didn’t seem that way, they were generic and meaningless.
I didn’t turn and yell at him like I wanted to, I didn’t fall into his arms like I would have just a few weeks ago, I didn’t slap him like I wished I had the strength to, I just left. I walked out the door he had left slightly ajar into the cold biting rain, and I didn’t look back.
I sat on the porch and looked up at the stars; it was so peaceful out here. After the chaos of moving in I was glad to have a few minutes by myself to just sit in the quiet night. The air had a slight chill to, which made me wish I had remembered my jacket, but it was also welcoming, it told me that I was probably going to be alone out here. Then, of course I hear the door open, because the universe loves to prove me wrong.
“You okay?” I hear Sirius ask.
“I’m fine; I just wanted a moment alone.” I say not bothering to turn and face him.
It actually pissed me off at first that Lily asked him to help, I had hoped that if we stayed away from each other long enough he would forget about me. Lily stood in the way of this plan. Gradually over the day he had worn me down, though. He wasn’t going to give up, and I guess I don’t want him too.
“So what do you think about the new place?” He asks sitting down next to me.
“I think Lily should have told me that James was moving in too.” I say slightly irritated.
“Well, I could move in too, show her how it feels.” He says.
I laugh “I think Lily would jump for joy if that happened, not that it would. Right?”
“No, of course not.” He says sounding disappointed.
“It’s not that…” I say trying to fix it “It’s just that I think we should take it slower than that. Rushing things scares me, and I would panic and freak out. Oh please don’t be disappointed.”
“I understand,” He says “and I will be fine, as long as you kiss me.”
I smile and kiss his cheek.
“Ah, that’s it?” He asks laughing, then he reaches out, wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him.
We sat there in silence like that for a while, I stared up at the stars, and Sirius, I caught looking at me a few times.
“Don’t forget, don’t forget where I’ll be. Right here wishing the flowers were from you. Wishing the card was from you .Wishing the call was from you. Cause I loved you from the very first day.” I say finally getting up the courage to it, telling him how I felt about him.
No one ever tells you about what happens after the big kiss, well that’s because the relationship falls apart; basically there’s nothing worth telling after that kiss. So, people stop with the kiss, they give you a happy ending, they give you what you want to hear, they lie. That warm feeling you get when you hear a happy ending, that’s probably not how you feel when in real life you experience what comes next; heart break. I used to be a happy ending person too, but then I had never realized that after the ending comes a new beginning, a terrible one.
I am currently living the post kiss life, almost nonexistent boyfriend (though I think I just broke up with him), I’m living two of my friends who are dating, so that just shows how close to rock bottom I am, I haven’t had a steady job since summer of my sixth year, and I am still caught up in a school romance I know will never work. I am a child. A helpless adult woman child, great, just great. That is what Sirius Black has done to me, yet I still can’t put him from my mind. Yeah, and now I’m sitting on a bench in the rain because my stupid pride will not allow me to turn around and return to the house.
I shiver soaked to the bone with rain water “Damn you Sirius,” I mutter under my breath, as if blaming him will make the situation better.
In my mind I go over all the things I should have said, I should have told him that I was still in love with him, that I didn’t want this, but that it was necessary, that we both had to move on, that we’re toxic to each other. I hate that I still love him, I hate myself for ever feeling this way, I hate him for being the one I’m in love with, most of all I hate time. The time we didn’t spend together before we fell apart, the time we did spent together that made me love him, the time that we have to spend apart for the rest of our lives.
Truthfully I know all of this is my fault, there was so many times I could have told him how I felt, but didn’t. So many fights that were my fault, I drove him away. I took his feelings for me and shoved them back in his face for over a year, but when I finally gave him my feelings it was too late, he was gone. This is my punishment, him only coming by a few times a month, but never ending because that would be too easy, too short lived, but continuing with a shell of a relationship would hurt more. It does hurt more, first he’s here so I think it will all be okay, then he’s gone and I cry my eyes out because of the false hope, then I start to hate him, never realizing it was all my own fault, then repeat. Maybe all of this was because I thought I could change him, make him love me, I expected too much. I’m a fool, but he’s an ass.
“Calli?” Someone asks.
I ignore them, I just want to sit here and wallow.
“Calli, you can pretend I’m not here all you want,” they say “but I’m not leaving, not again.”
“You should go, you have to know by now that we’re terrible together.” I say looking up.
“I won’t ever leave.” He says.
It’s so perfect, so like a book, a happy ending. It sickens me to think that he believes that will make it all better.
“Sirius, I want you to leave, I don’t want to see you anymore.” I tell him as I look away.
“How many times have you tried to break up with me?” He asks. I refuse to answer.
“A lot, Calli, and I haven’t left yet, this isn’t going to change that.” He says carrying on. “I messed up; I know that, I should have been around more often. I should have told you were I was. But, Calli, that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
My mind kept screaming at me, telling me that he was lying, that I shouldn’t listen.
“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t care anymore, I just want to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking that you’ve changed, only to find that I’m alone.” I say finally meeting his eye “I want to stop thinking you love me.”
I took a deep breath; I had wasted so much time on him, so much time thinking he cared about me. Now I know the truth.
“You were never really mine were you? You never cared as much as I did, did you? So you can stand there and be perfectly fine. I, on the other hand, have so many scars from this, you.” I am yelling now, but I don’t care.
“Calli, I love you, I don’t know what else to say to you.”
“You love me?” I scoff “I don’t believe you anymore! I finally don’t believe you. God I wasted so much time on you! I don’t even think you realize how much you hurt me that first time I woke up and you were gone!”
“I wish I could explain, but I just can’t.”
“Try!” I yell “Try to explain!”
“I thought I was giving you space, you told me that you didn’t want to go too fast.” He says. “When I left I didn’t ever want to, and I never really went anywhere.”
I don’t know what to say to him anymore, I want to punch him for being so stupid, but I also want to kiss him for trying to do this my way, even if he failed at it.
“You are so… stupid!” I yell “I said that over a year ago! I think that by now you would have realized that I was fine!”
“I thought you were, and then you started acting weird, and I thought you needed more space.”
“And the way to do that was to make me feel like you didn’t care anymore? That is just so… I would say stupid and wrong, but that is not anywhere close to describing my level of anger.”
I should want to punch him for those words, I should punch him. Just apologizing isn’t enough to make up for what he did. But I don’t punch him, I kiss him.
“I kind of hate you.” I tell him after I end the kiss.
“I love you anyway.” He says smiling.
“This doesn’t mean you’ve won, I am still mad.” I say, but he just laughs and kisses me.