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The Madness That is My Life by frini19
Chapter 14 : The Madness of Feelings
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 18

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"Ow, Addie you're sitting on my foot."

"Sorry! It's a little cramped back here, Dom."

"Well we could just get out there and talk to her instead of sitting under a table, waiting for her."

"We can't do that! What would we even say?!"

"How about we walk up to her and say hi? You know like a normal person?"

"Dominique you should know me well enough to know that I am not a normal person."

"Clearly, since we are sitting under a table stalking Annalise."

Yes, Dominique and I are currently underneath a table in the library (I'm realizing that since the beginning of this year I have started spending way too much time in here. It's a bit concerning) trying to figure out a way to talk to Annalise because James asked us to. Dom seems to be under the impression that we can just walk up to her and start talking but I'm smart enough to know that that won't work. We'd fall into an awkward silence and then have no idea what to say.

It would be horrible.

"Well, I'm no longer sitting under this table. My foot is falling asleep," Dom said and before I could grab her blonde hair, she was up and walking toward Annalise.

"Dom!" I said, rushing after her, only to hit my head on the table. "Ow."

I caught up to Dom, still rubbing my head, and we approached Annalise. She didn't look up when we awkwardly stood in front of her table, trying to decide what to say.

"Um, hi," Dom said. Annalise looked up from her work, clearly a bit annoyed that we had disrupted her. "I'm Dom Weasley and this is Addie Malfoy."

"Hi," I said, waving.

Annalise stared at us like we were doing to can-can and asked her to join. "Hi. Can I help you?"

"Well," Dom said, looking at me for help. This is why we should have planned our conversation because now Dom has no idea what to say. "Well, my cousin, James, is, kinda, sorta-"

"Totally and completely in love with you," I said for her. "He doesn't really talk about anything but you and why you don't love him back. It drives him crazy. He really likes you."

Annalise set her quill down and sighed. "Did James send you here?"

"No," I lied. "No, not at all, we came here by ourselves."

"You're a horrible liar," Annalise said. "I barely know you and I know you're lying."

"I'm not that bad-"

"Yes, you are that bad of a liar," Dom said. "Anyway, we were just wondering why you won't give James a chance?"

"You want to know why I won't give James a chance?" Annalise asked. Yeah, I think we want to know that since we just asked you that. "It's because he's an arrogant, pig head who thinks he can do whatever he wants and get away with it. He's so used to all girls falling all over and he takes advantage of it. He plays pranks on innocent people and then acts like he was wronged when he gets in trouble. He's an immature jerk who needs to realize that not everything will fall at his feet just because he's some big Quidditch player and he's the son of Harry Potter." She started packing up her stuff, putting everything away with such force you'd think they were James himself.

"Oh, he's not that bad," Dom said. "I've known the guy for 17 years and I know that he's not as horrible as you make him out to be."

Annalise put her bag on shoulder and looked at Dom with a disbelieving look. "He locked me in a broom cupboard with him, tried to kiss me, proclaiming his love for me and then started making out with another girl the second I forced him to get us out of the broom cupboard. He also ripped up my essay that was worth 30% of my grade in Charms. He also-"

"I think we get it," I said. "James does a lot of dumb, pig headed things. But you would never give him the chance?"

Annalise sighed and looked at us both. "I know you two are just trying to help but I'm sorry. I don't think I could ever date him if he's still an arrogant, immature arse. I just really, really hate him."

"Alright," Dom said, looking a little defeated. "Thanks for talking to us."

Annalise smiled at us and walked out of the library.

"Well James is shit out of luck," Dom said. "She basically despises everything that makes him, him."

"Yeah," I said. "It was worth a shot though."

"Yeah, only now," she said, looking up at me. "We have to tell James."


"What does that even mean?!" James yelled in the Common Room later that night.

"It means that you have to stop being an arrogant, immature arse, James," Dom said. "It's not that hard to understand, even for a moron like you."

James glared at Dom. "This is my Common Room, Dom, I can very well kick you out."

Dom was about to retaliate but Freddy interrupted her before she could. "No fighting. James, you asked her for help. She found out why Annalise hates your guts. If anything you should be thanking her."

Dom smiled triumphantly at James.

"And Dom," Freddy said, turning towards her. "You shouldn't call James a moron."

"But he is!" Dom cried. Freddy glared at her and Dom calmed down. "Fine, I'm sorry I called you a moron."

"Apology accepted. I'm sorry I threatened to kick you out of the Common room," James said.

"Apology accepted," Dom said, reaching over to James and pulling him into a hug.

Aww, such cute family love.

"Ew, James, did you just burp in my ear?!"

Never mind.

I clamped Freddy on the shoulder. "Such a peace keeper you are."

"That I am," Freddy said proudly. He looked over at Dom and James, who were now arguing, and sighed. "Merlin, if they weren't cousins I'd be surprised that they spent any time together at all. They seem to hate each other."

"Yeah, but James is way too protective of her," I said. "James treats her like she's his own sister. Which is probably a good thing. Although she still somehow manages to get around."

Freddy laughed. "Try as he might, James can't control you, Rose, Lily, Dom, and Roxy when it comes to boys."

"Freddy, you do know Roxy has a boyfriend right?" I asked, referring to Freddy's little sister, who was in fifth year and a Hufflepuff.

"Yes, but that guy better watch it," he said. "Sorry to abandon you Ads, but I have a potions essay I've been putting off for a week, that I should probably do. Make sure those two don't kill each other." He nodded toward Dom and James.

"No promises," I said.

"I can't believe you would say that," Dom said.

"Oh, come on, I was kidding," James said.

"You called me fat!" Dominique said.

"You aren't fat!" James said. "I didn't mean it!"

"Well then why did you say it? Clearly it has crossed your mind before," Dom said.

"Dom, stop being irrational."

"Irrational? IRRATIONAL?! My cousin, my own flesh and blood just called me fat! I'm probably as fat as a whale and I never noticed because I've always been fat! I'm sorry James, am I taking up too much space on the couch with my big, fat butt?! I can't believe you would say that! I thought you were my best friend, my cousin-"


Yes, I did just say calm your tits.

I'm sane, I swear.

"Fine," Dom said. "I guess I'm not fat."

"You aren't," James said.

"Okay, how about we change the topic yes?" I said, looking at them both with a huge smile on my face pretending everything was all great and dandy.

Dom instantly sat up straight and smiled at me like she had been given an electric shock. "Okay," she said. "I know what we could talk about."

"And what would that be, Dominique?" I asked her.

"You and Albus," she said, smiling.

"Me and Albus...what?" I asked.

"It's not worth trying Dom," James said. "I tried and got nothing out of her."

"Come on Ads," Dom said. "Do you like Albus?"

"I have a boyfriend!" I cried, ignoring the butterflies appearing in my stomach.

No. I couldn't.

I couldn't like Albus as more than a friend could I?

"That didn't answer my question," Dom said.

"Well seeing as I have a boyfriend, I don't like Albus!" I said, ignoring the butterflies and sweaty palms.

Holy fuck, why do I have sweaty palms?

Girls in books get sweaty palms because they like a certain boy and their talking to/about him.



"Addie, come on, tell me!" Dom begged.

"She's not going to tell you anything," James said.

"Who's not telling who anything?" Albus said, appearing next to my chair.

Holy. Fuck.

I think my heart exploded.


"Nothing," I said quickly. "No one is telling anyone anything. Dom's just insane. Haha. HA. I'm going to bed now. Bye."

"Yea," Dom said, rolling her eyes. "I'm the insane one."

I tried walking coolly to the staircase but stopped when I heard Al's voice. I turned around to face him.

"Yeah?" I asked, calmly (I hope).

"I wanted to let you know that Teddy's giving back our tests from last week tomorrow," he said. At least, I think he said something like that. I wasn't really paying attention since I was just looking at his mouth and imagining that I could pull it down on top of mine.

These are not good signs.

"Oh that's great," I said, trying to think of other things besides kissing Al.

"Yeah, and I want you to be proud no matter what you get on this test, okay?" Albus said, putting both hands on my shoulders. "You know this stuff and that's more than any letter grade is worth."







Eh, hem.

Sorry about that.

"Okay," I said. "Thanks."

And then I walked away as quickly as I could.

What the fuck is happening with my feelings?

The next day, I was relatively more sane than yesterday.

Yesterday was strange. Maybe someone slipped something in my pumpkin juice.

That would make sense.

"Who's going to Hogsmeade in a few weeks?" Alice asked at lunch.

All six of us rose our hands.

"I need to get Christmas presents," I said, eating my PB&J sandwich. "So I'll probably have to go alone."

"Dang," Alice said. "There's supposed to be this cool new clothing store opening. I thought it'd be fun for you, me and Rose to go shopping in there."

"And what about Al, Scorp and I?" Lou asked her from his seat next to her. "Are we just chop liver to you?"

Louis had apologized to Alice last week, and since they had been on better terms. I could see Louis trying to win her back but Alice was resisting. She only wanted Louis to be strictly a friend, claiming that she couldn't trust him as more just yet, if ever.

It was a bit pathetic to see Louis following after her like a puppy dog, begging for her back.

"I just figured you wouldn't want to go shopping that's all," Alice said. "Scorp, Al, would you fancy going clothes shopping with me?"

"Count me out," Al said, spreading jam on his bread.

Yeah, you spread that jam.

"I think I'll pass," Scorpius said. "Something tells me that shopping would not be the best way to spend my time."

"How else would you spend your time?" Rose asked, looking at him. "It's not like you have some date, right?"

"Well, actually," Scorpius said, awkwardly shifting his eyes. "I, ugh-"

"Oh," Rose said, taken aback. "You do have a date."

Really Scorpius? REALLY?! You had to get a date? You and Rose were almost there, Rose really seems to be into you, even if she won't admit it. Why would you screw that up?!

Ryan had been doing such a good job of making Scorpius jealous that it was obvious to everyone that Scorpius was in love with Rose. It should even be obvious enough to Rose if she paid any attention to that, instead of holding some dumb idea in her head that he could never like her.

"Hey Rose."

Ahh, Ryan. Thank goodness you're here. Maybe you can make Scorpius jealous again and he'll dump whatever whore he's going on a date with and be with Rose.

Rose turned toward Ryan with a smile. "Hey Ryan. What's up?"

Ryan smiled lazily back. "Not much. I just wanted to ask you something." He suddenly became shy, like he was a little embarrassed of what he was going to say. "I know that you probably won't want to but I was thinking that maybe you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?"

Can I give him the cousin of the year award? Because he's the most amazing cousin for making my other cousin want to kill him. (I'm not kidding Scorpius actually looks like he's going to kill him.)

"Oh," Rose said, shocked by his answer. "Well, I guess so-"

"No," Scorpius said, standing up. "Her answer is no. Back the fuck off Ryan and stay away from her. She's not going to Hogsmeade with you, got it? Hell she won't go anywhere with you. I know you and I know how you play girls and I won't let you do that to Rose. Rose is more than just some girl than you can hook up with okay? She's one of the most amazing people on the planet and deserves more than you, who will just get in her pants and leave. Get the fuck out and if I ever see you flirting with her again, I'll make sure, it's the last thing you ever do."



Ryan looked at Scorpius and smiled. "Okay, cuz. See you at Christmas."

And with that he walked away.

Scorpius sat back down, looking really confused at Ryan's reaction.

Rose on the other hand, looked murderous. "Are you fucking kidding me Scorp?! You had no right, NO RIGHT, to do that! I can go on a date with whoever and you have no right to tell them no for me, ESPECIALLY when you have a date! It's not fair and it is a free country and I am able to make my own decisions on who to go on dates with and-"

"Do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?" Scorpius asked, interrupting her speech.

"I-uh," Rose suddenly calmed down when she heard what he said. She had a shocked look on her face. "What?"

"Do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?" Scorpius asked her. "On a date."

Al, Louis, Alice and I were all watching them waiting for Rose's answer.

If she said no, I would beat her up.

"But what about your date?" Rose asked.

"Don't have one," Scorpius said.

"Oh," Rose said, smiling. "Okay."

"YES!" I said, pumping my fist in the air.

Cue me doing happy dance and having everyone at the Gryffindor table looking at me.

"Uh huh, oh yeah, uh huh, oh yeah," I said, dancing.

"You are so weird," Alice said.

"Look at all the fucks I give," I said, throwing my arms up in the air. The bell rang and I stopped my happy dance.

The next class was Defense.

Which meant I was getting my test back today.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I walked slowly to class, behind everyone else and took a deep breath before entering the room. I walked to my seat and tried not to puke.

"Ready to get your test back?" Al asked when I sat down.

"No," I said. "I'm trying not to puke from the stress of it."

Al smiled. "You did great. I'm sure of it."

That's doubtful, Al. Very, very doubtful.

Teddy came in and started class. He announced that we were getting our tests back today but that he wouldn't be giving them back until the end of the period.

What kind of teacher does that? That's an injustice! I can't sit through an hour of waiting for my test score! I might actually puke!

Al wrote in his notebook and slid it over to me.

Calm down. You look like you're going to puke.

I glared at him and grabbed my quill to respond.

That's because I probably am. I can't wait another 37 minutes to get my test back!

Al smiled when he read what I wrote.

I'm glad you find my pain enjoyable Al.

And to think I was thinking that I liked you.

Addie, you did great, I guarantee it. You need to stop worrying and relax. I believe in you.

"Oi, Al, stop writing love notes to Addie and pay attention," Teddy said from the front of the class.

I tried relaxing for the rest of the period. I tried taking notes, looking out the window, doodling, figuring out my feelings for Al, but I couldn't think of anything but that test.

There's no way I passed.

"Alright, class, I'm going to give back your tests."

He walked around, giving everyone their tests back. Al got an O, of course, and when the bell rang, Teddy called, "Addie? Could I talk to you about your test?"

"Shit," I said. "There's no way I did well."

Al grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "I'll wait outside for you."

I smiled, grateful that he would be there and (hopefully) not brag about his perfect score when I find out that I got none right and basically failed out of school.

"Addie," Teddy said.

"How bad did I do?" I asked him, approaching his desk.

"Not too bad," he said, smiling.

"So I didn't completely fail?"

"No, you didn't completely fail," he held my folded up test in his hands. "I want you to be proud of the grade that you got on this, regardless of what the letter says. It's good to see you're improving, even in the slightest."

Well, maybe I didn't get a T, maybe I got a D.

High hopes here.

"Here you go," Teddy said, handing me my folded up test.

I walked out of the room and saw Al waiting by the door as promised.

"Well?" he asked me.

"I haven't opened it yet," I said. I took a deep breath. "Well here goes nothing."

Slowly, I opened up my folded test to see what my grade is. At the last minute, I held it only so Al could see it.

"What are you doing?" Al asked, pushing the paper out of his face.

"I don't want to see it!" I said. "Just tell me if I did better than a T!"

"You did better than a T," Al said, smiling at me. "You did way better than a T. Ads, you got an E."

"What?!" I said, pulling the paper toward me. In bright red ink at the top of my paper was a big E. I looked up at Al in shock. "I...I got an E."

"Yeah," Albus said, smiling at me like I had won the World cup. "You got an E."

"I got an E!" I yelled and flung myself at Albus, my arms going around his neck and my legs wrapping around his waist, clinging to him like my life depended on it. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!"

Al's arms were around my waist in an instant and held me up. "Why are you thanking me, you did all the work!"

I kissed his cheek. "Thank you so much!"

"I knew you could do it," Al said, softly into my ear.

I never wanted to leave this moment in time.

"What the fuck?" I heard a voice say.

I detached myself from Al (sad) and looked behind me to see Caleb standing there, looking pissed.

Right. I have a boyfriend.

I can't hug boys like I'm a baby koala since I have a boyfriend.

I forgot.

"Caleb," I said. "Hi."

"Hi?" Caleb said, looking down at me. "I catch you macking on another guy and all you can say is hi?"

"Caleb it wasn't like that-" I tried to explain.

"Then what was it like?" Caleb asked. "Because it looks to me like you seemed pretty content on your position. What the fuck Addie?"

"Hey, don't yell at her," Al said, stepping in.

"Stay out of this Potter," Caleb said, darkly.

"Al, stay out of this, this isn't your business," I said to Al, then turned back to Caleb and grabbed his hand. "Caleb, let's go somewhere and discuss this-"

"Addie, he has no right to treat you like that," Albus said, pushing me aside. I noticed that students were slowing down to take a better look at what was happening. "Don't treat her like she's a piece of property. She's able to do whatever she wants."

"She's my girlfriend, Potter," Caleb said, stepping closer to Al. "Something you haven't seem to been able to accept, since you always seem to be flirting with her."

"Flirting is a two way street," Al said. "Maybe if your girlfriend actually liked you then this wouldn't be a problem." He pushed Caleb.

"Don't push me," Caleb said, pushing him back. "Addie is my girlfriend, and you need to back," push, "the," push, "off!" Bigger push. "You can't seem to accept the fact that you lost. She doesn't want you, she chose me. When will you get that through your thick skull?"

"If she likes you so much," Albus said, smirking his jerk smirk. Which could only mean one thing was coming. Shit. "Then why did she and I kiss on Halloween?"

Caleb was stunned into silence, but he quickly regained himself and punched Albus square in the jaw. Albus responded by tackling him to the ground, only Caleb managed to get the upper hand and wind up on top of Albus.

"Caleb!" I yelled, trying to get him off of Albus. Caleb threw more punches at Al's jaw and stomach. "Caleb get the fuck off him!"

"You asshole!" Caleb yelled as Albus pushed him off. I pulled Caleb back by the hand and stood in front of him, putting my hands on his chest so that he wouldn't try to get past me again.

"Caleb," I said, trying to hold him steady. "Calm down. Breathe."

"Is it true?" Caleb asked me. "Did you two kiss on Halloween?"

"No!" I lied, hoping that for once, it wasn't obvious. "No it's not true. Please just calm down, Caleb."

I noticed that I was now on the verge of tears.


I'm turning into one of those overly emotional girls.

"It isn't true?" Caleb asked again.

"No!" I yelled. I turned toward Al. "Tell him it isn't true," I begged. "Please. Tell him the truth."

I saw Al's jaw lock and could tell he was arguing with himself. He glared daggers at Caleb but then his eyes locked on mine, losing all the anger. He just watched me, noticing the tears forming and took a deep breath.

"It's not true," he said. "I said it to piss you off, but it's not true."

He wouldn't make eye contact with me, so I couldn't give any thanks. But what would I say to him? Thanks for lying about the kiss because I think that I really have feels for you but don't want to lose my boyfriend?

That makes no sense.

Caleb looked around at everyone, standing in the hallway watching the three of us. "What are you looking at? Don't you have class to go to?"

They scurried away, the bell ringing as they went.

"Addie," Caleb said, looking down at me. "I have to go to class, but we'll talk about this later, okay?"

I wiped a fallen tear away. "Okay."

Caleb leaned down and kissed me and then rested his forehead on mine, just as Al had so many times before. And it felt wrong. The forehead thing was something Al and I shared, something that only the two of us did, so to have Caleb doing that didn't feel right.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to me.

"It's okay," I said.

Caleb kissed me one last time and then left, heading to his next class. I turned around and saw Al standing there, staring at me with a hurt expression. There was no way I could escape him, either; we both had free period.

We stood in silence for a while, neither of us knowing what to say.

Fortunately, Al spoke first.

"You don't get it do you?" Al asked me.

"Get what?" I said.

"This," he said, motioning between us. "I know that you think it's nothing but sexual tension but it's not. It really isn't and I know that you know that. I can tell that you feel for me exactly how I feel about you."

" have feelings for me?" I asked him, shocked. The butterflies exploded in my stomach and my heart went into overdrive.

"You must be fucking blind not to see it," Al said, shaking his head. "I've made it so obvious, I basically told you and you laughed in my face. And I know you feel the same."

"I have a boyfriend," I said, using the same excuse I always used.

"Stop using Caleb as an excuse to not talk about this! Stop thinking that just because you say you're with him that everyone will assume that you must have feelings for him and none for me!" Albus was close to me now, so close that I could kiss him. But I didn't want to kiss him. I just wanted him to hug me and make me feel like nothing in the world could harm me because his arms were around me. "You admitted that the kiss meant something. And I know that I'm not the only one who has been feeling these feelings that I feel for you. I can tell, just by the way that you look at me, I know you feel something. Why are you so desperate to hold onto Caleb when you don't feel any of the things you feel for me for him?"

The tears were falling from my face now, but not because of Caleb. No, it was because he was right. He wasn't the only one feeling all the things between us because I felt them, full force. As much as I wanted to deny it, I felt it.

"Why are you so afraid to be with me?" Al whispered, in almost a desperate tone.

I looked up at him, not knowing what to say.

What was I supposed to tell him? That I was afraid to be with him because I knew that he could hurt me? I knew that by years of arguing and hating each other, he knew all my weaknesses, could break me without being together, and that giving him my heart would just be more power to do so? He could so quickly change his mind about me and shatter me, leaving me alone and making me feel not good enough, just as the boggart said.

Caleb couldn't do that to me because he didn't have my heart. He didn't know about my past and my insecurities. He didn't hold the power to break me because he didn't know me well enough. But that's why I couldn't lose him. He's the only person who seemed to not know the full story and who made me feel like I would never have to be afraid of losing him because he liked me more than I liked him and I had no long term emotional attachment to him. I'm a horrible person for holding onto him for those reasons, but it's safer this way. Caleb could never hurt me the way Al could.

But I couldn't say that to Al.

My silence was enough of an answer for Al.

He shook his head at me, locking his jaw.

"Forget it," he said, taking a few steps back. I wanted so badly to pull him closer and just have him hold me, and tell him everything. But I didn't. "Just forget everything I said."

"Al..." I said, watching him walk away from me and mentally begging him to come back.

I watched him walk down the hall, not turning back once.

I found him by the Black Lake, in the exact spot that we had kissed on Halloween. I walked to the lake and stood next to him.

"Can I sit down?" I asked, watching Al as he looked at the lake.

Al shrugged and I sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry," I said to him.

"For what?" he asked.

"For pretending I don't feel something for you," I said, running a hand along the thin layer of snow on the ground. "But I need you to understand that I do have feelings for Caleb. And right now all my feelings are really confused and muddled together and I barely know anything anymore. I'm trying to figure out my feelings, I really am. But...I've never felt feelings for you beyond hate. I've never had a boyfriend before and I'm trying to figure out what is right for my relationship, while also trying to decide how I feel about you, and if that gets in the way of my relationship. I'm trying, Al. Ever since Halloween, I've been trying to figure out my feelings and I can't."

"Maybe you aren't trying hard enough," Al said. "Maybe it would be easier for you if we weren't friends."

I shook my head. "That would probably make everything more complicated. I need you as a friend because no matter what my feelings are for you or Caleb, you're still my friend Al. And I need to find out if my feelings for you are just friend feelings or if they're something more. I care about you, I do. And I'm not asking you to wait around until I figure out my feelings, in fact I don't even expect you too. I just need you to respect my relationship and know that I'm trying to work things out. I haven't been trying to lead you on or hurt you because you have become one of my closest friends and hurting you would kill me. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's what I have to say."

Al nodded. "I understand."

"Good," I said quietly.

And we sat there, two friends, sitting in the spot they had once kissed. One of them, knowing exactly how they felt for the other, and the other one, confused beyond belief.

A/N: I'M SORRY. *hides under covers* Please don't kill me.

I bet a lot of you are mad at me. Especially after I gave you a hint that you would enjoy this chapter if you hated Caleb...I originally planned it differently. Originally, Addie was going to be pissed at Caleb, only to make up later.

And somehow this happened.

Don't blame me. It's Addie's fault. She's telling me what's going on, I'm just writing it.

I actually like this chapter. It shows two different sides of Addie because she's super immature and then mature because of Albus.

I'm glad to see that you all don't hate Caleb because he's a bad person, but more because he is dating Addie. I understand.

Please review and tell me what you think! Even if you want to kill me right now, feel free to say so :D

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