Chapter 3 : Unicorns and Firewhisky
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A/N shout outs to Anthea Chant, VeeKAY and The Little One, for being awesome friends and reading my story first (:
[Disclaimer- I don’t own this. But I’m pretty sure you figured that out by now.]
You know what I could really do with right now? Some unicorn blood.
Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. (I’m an accomplished Legilimens, remember?) ‘But, but, if you drink unicorn blood, you will only live a half-life!’
I have no body. I’m pretty sure that counts as a half-life already.
Plus, I really need to get a bit stronger, as I still don’t have the philosopher’s stone. So, that’s where Quirrell and I are headed now – to the Forbidden forest, to find a unicorn.
There should be one around here somewhere.
‘Aha! I can see one over there, behind the particularly gnarled tree.’
That would be Quirrell’s voice you hear blasting like a foghorn through the silence.
‘Shh! You’ll scare it away!’
Merlin, that man has no common sense! We’re trying to catch the unicorn, not alert it of our presence!
‘Sorry…’ he mumbles.
A pathetic excuse for an apology, but I’ll let it drop.
‘Sectumsempra!’ Quirrell whispers, and the unicorn, which is so brightly white it is glowing in the darkness, collapses, blood pouring out from its side.
Even if Snape had turned his back on me now that he thought I was gone, he had been pretty useful as a death eater.
The unicorn is bleeding profusely, and is soon dead.
It’s a shame really, killing something like that – it looked pretty painful to me.
I take that back.
I need its blood to get stronger, and really it’s just a horse with a cone stuck to its forehead.
‘Hurry, Quirrell. I do not wish to stay out here for much longer.’
Do you think that he would be opposed to the idea of playing a game of checkers when we get back inside?
He obeys my orders, and leans down, drinking the silvery substance now sitting on the flank of the unicorn. I instantly feel stronger, and Quirrell stands up, pulling his cloak around him.
‘That should be enough for a while’ I tell him as we trudge back to the warmth of the castle, leaving the unicorn lying next to the tree.
A few days later, when I am starting to feel a bit weak again, Quirrell and I return to the forbidden forest, to – you guessed it – kill another unicorn.
They really are quite pretty creatures.
Wait – I did not just think that.
LOOK, A KOALA ON A CAFFEINE HIGH SINGING KARAOKE!
I haven’t seen a koala before, but apparently they sleep for like, 23 hours a day. So that hyperactive koala over there behind you would be something that is really interesting.
Quirrell and I find another unicorn relatively quickly, and Quirrell shoots out the same spell as he did previously, but it only grazes the animal’s side, causing it to run off, trailing silvery blood on everything in its path – branches, leaves, twigs, and the ground.
That wasn’t supposed to happen.
Quirrell is officially an idiot.
How in the name of Merlin’s shiny lycra animal print underwear did he miss?
‘Quirrell’ I say calmly. ‘It was asleep.’
I told you he was an idiot!
Let that be a lesson to you – never trust random people that you meet in forests in the outskirts of Albania to be able to cast a simple spell and actually hit their target.
I hope that the school’s oaf of a gamekeeper, Hagrid, doesn’t notice the unicorn. Even though he never was particularly smart, he was interested in the wellbeing of magical creatures, so would be curious as to why the unicorns were suddenly disappearing and getting injured.
‘Hurry up Quirrell, go! Before it gets too far away!’
Merlin, that man is slow on the uptake. I mean, if the unicorn that you attempted to kill ran off, would you stand frozen on the spot, looking like a gormless idiot while doing your best goldfish impression?
I don’t think so.
Luckily, he finally realised that moving his legs and following the unicorn would be a really good idea in this situation, and we were moving again.
Eventually – Quirrell isn’t exactly the most observant person – we found the injured creature. This may have been due to the fact that it had collapsed on the forest floor and died, but anyway.
He bent forwards until his mouth was touching the wound and starting sucking up the unicorn’s blood.
Bending over backwards and staying there really isn’t the most comfortable position in the world, in case you were wondering.
Just thought I’d point that out to you, seeing as it’s the position that I am currently stuck in.
It’s times like these that I really wish I had the philosopher’s stone already.
Cue the blood-curdling scream.
My ears! My precious ears!
I don’t think they’ll ever be the same again.
Wait a minute, where did that come from?
It was incredibly high pitched and girly – definitely not the sound of an adult, so it wasn’t one of the teachers, or Hagrid.
Which means that standing near us is at least one student. Not the company that I really want at the moment.
The owner of the scream immediately runs away, as does another creature, which sounds like a dog of some sort, judging by the panting sound it is emitting.
Quirrell lifts up his head, and standing in front of us is –
It was said so quietly that I’m sure no one who wasn’t attached to the back of his head would have been able to hear it.
‘Kill him.’ I reply in an equally silent voice.
Quirrell moves forwards towards the boy, raising his wand, but before he has a chance to curse the boy into oblivion, I hear the sound of hooves racing towards us.
Although I couldn’t, Quirrell could see the centaur that was fast approaching us – protecting the child – and immediately backed up, sprinting away from the scene.
Harry Potter has been saved yet again.
Hip hip hooray.
Let’s throw a party.
In case you, with your thick skull, didn’t notice, that was sarcasm.
Ah well, there’s plenty of other chances.
Plus I did get that unicorn blood I wanted.
The good thing about the Hog’s Head? You can wear a long cloak with the hood drawn over your face, like Quirrell right now, without anyone even batting an eyelid.
Even though the unicorn blood made me a bit stronger, I still don’t have a body.
And it’s really pissing me off.
But at least I have a plan – the three-headed dog guarding the trapdoor, which leads to where the Philosopher’s Stone is hidden, was put there by Hagrid – who is walking into the dingy little pub at this very moment. If anyone knows how to get past the beast, It’ll be him.
I grin a somewhat demented smile underneath the turban and cloak.
I mean, I’ve only been sitting here all night waiting for him.
If he hadn’t come soon, I may have had to curse a few people, just for something to do.
That sounds like a lot of fun, actually.
I guess it’s a good thing that he arrived when he did, or I would have been discovered.
Unless, of course, I just killed everyone.
That would have been interesting, and no one would know it had been me, seeing as everyone would be dead.
Except people would definitely wonder why everyone in the bar suddenly died on the same night. And, of course, the barman is Dumbledore’s brother, Aberforth or something like that.
Didn’t he try his hand at goat charming at one point in time?
Their mother must’ve dropped her kids on their heads one too many times.
‘Should I buy him a drink?’ Quirrell mutters almost silently, breaking me out of my reverie.
That just confirms my suspicions. Quirrell’s skull is as thick as a pile of cement-slathered bricks. Does he want Hagrid to remember all of the conversation tomorrow?
He gets up and sits on the stool next to Hagrid, asking what drink he would prefer, before ordering said drink.
‘I’ve never seen you around before; do you work at the school?’ Quirrell starts off the conversation.
What a terrible opening line! I could’ve done much better.
If I wasn’t hiding myself from the entire wizarding world, that is.
‘Yer haven’? Yeah, I’m the gamekeeper there; I jus’ look af’er the animals an’ such, so ‘s not too difficult.’
Of course, Quirrell and I are well aware of this fact.
But we couldn’t exactly walk up to the oaf and say, “Yo Haggers! I ain’t seen you in, like, forever! How ya been going?”
That would have been really weird. And kind of creepy.
Lord Voldemort does not do gangster. Now is not the time to start.
Hagrid chooses this moment to down his firewhisky in one go, and Quirrell pours him another.
‘Oh, okay then. What kind of creatures is it that you care for?’
‘Oh, uh, jus’ the usual kinda animals, you know –,’
‘– Of course.’
‘Bu’ I’ve always wan’ed a dragon, e’er since I was a li’le boy.’
This is something that Quirrell and I both knew already, seeing as I had in fact gone to school with the man, and had told Quirrell about him afterwards.
‘Yeah, if I could on’y ge’ a dragon, I could die a happy man.’ After saying this, he takes a huge swig of his drink.
‘Well that’s funny, because I happen to have a dragon egg right here.’
‘Yer do?’ his face lights up like a child who is told that Christmas has come early.
‘Yes, I do. If you want the egg, we could play cards…?’
‘Yes, tha’ would be fantastic!’
‘But I would have to know that you would be able to handle it. I mean, I wouldn’t want the dragon to die because you couldn’t look after it properly.’
‘After Fluffy, a dragon would be easy!’*
Hagrid smiled widely at the thought, drinking the rest of the contents of his cup.
‘Oh, it’s wha’ I’ve called the three-headed dog I’m looking af’er.’
He called a three-headed dog Fluffy.
What. The. Hell?
Quirrell buys him yet another drink. Merlin, he’s going through the stuff fast!
‘Oh! Okay then. Isn’t it difficult to take care of such a, er, unusual creature? A bit dangerous, maybe?’
‘Oh no, it’s really quite simple, yer jus’ ‘ave ter know ‘ow ter ge’ pas’ him.’
The oaf is starting to get really drunk.
Not a great surprise, seeing as he’s had so much to drink already. And firewhisky isn’t exactly a weak drink.
‘And how might you do that?’
Good thing he’s so wasted right now, or he definitely wouldn’t give out that sort of information. Or maybe he would, he doesn’t look like the sharpest quill in the box.
‘Oh, it’s really simple. He calms righ’ down if yer jus’ play ‘im some music!’
Finally! The answer I was looking for.
‘Hmm… I guess after, er, Fluffy, you could handle the dragon. So, shall we?’ Quirrell got out a pack of cards.
‘We shall!’ Hagrid grinned, pouring himself another drink and downing it in one.
At last, I know how to get past the damned dog! The other obstacles shouldn’t be that hard to get past. I mean, think about it. I am the greatest wizard of all time – mere teachers won’t be able to outsmart me!
The philosopher’s stone will be mine soon enough.
*quote from Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, first edition, page 193.
A/N I’m so sorry for the wait! I just had schoolwork and Clean Up Australia Day (which was today – Sunday the 4th of March), and lots of other stuff going on, so I had to do that before writing. Don’t hurt me! I already got attacked by pointed sticks in the bush, and fell into the river 13 TIMES. 13!!! I didn’t know it was possible to slip over that many times. But, I’ve got it up now! I know it’s not incredibly long, but the next chapter really does have to separate, as it’s the last chapter that will cover Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Thank you for reading this, and PLEASE REVIEW! It will only take you about a minute, and I promise to reply to all reviews! Reviews = Happy me. Happy me = more chapters, faster. More chapters, faster = happy you. THEREFORE! Reviews = Happy you. See? (: