Chapter 1 : Regrets
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I curled my toes in the wet sand, sighing as the repetitious wave washed upon my feet. The gentle mist of rain sprinkled over me, making goosebumps rise along my bare shoulders.
The weather was unusually dreary for July. The green ocean had a bit more of a grey tint to it, and the black clouds looming in the dark skies were like unwelcome strangers.
My eyes darted across the horizon line; all you could see was the seemingly endless ocean. My fingers constantly twirled to the two rings on my fourth finger of my left hand. Always thinking of how those rings came from the wrong person.
I treasured the feel of the cold waves washing over my feet for a few more moments, then made my way back up the beach. I enjoyed the feel of the wet sand pressing against my feet as I slowly walked back to the lone house a few hundred yards from the beach.
I didn’t bother to attempt to get the sand off my feet before going into the house; I couldn’t bring myself to care. I knew when my left foot hit the white tile, that I was leaving footprints throughout the house.
The silence of the empty house was echoing in the lonely corners of my heart. I ascended the stairs, with light creaks booming through the dead house with every step.
I admired the soft, warm feel of the carpet when I made it into the hall. I forced myself to continue down the hall, stopping in front of the door to our own personal library. I forced myself to breathe as the door became intimidating, mocking even.
My fingers felt electrocuted when they finally contacted the cold metal of the door handle. Slowly, I managed to push the door open. I was greeted by the comforting smell of books, and parchment. Yet, the desk looming in the corner screamed for me to leave. To leave and never return.
Left, right, left… It was simple, but I had to give myself instructions to get myself to the mahogany desk in the corner. I didn’t notice I was shaking until I could hardly bring myself to open the top left drawer. When I finally managed to open it, I glared at the letter inside.
I knew that all it held was pain. Pain I didn’t want to accept now. I had to do it, though. He had written it to me over three months ago. He had sent it after Ronald and I had been married for a week. Only now was I strong enough to make it so far as holding the delicate piece of parchment in my trembling hands.
I carefully opened it, pulled the letter out. The tears rushed to my eyes as I observed his handwriting. My heart panged with grief, and my stomach flipped as I noticed the smears—watermarks. Had he cried while writing this?
I don’t know what to say to you, exactly. All I knew was that if I had to lie in my bed night after sleepless night, I would go insane.
I realized while watching you dance with him—you looked so beautiful—that you didn’t miss me anymore. Watching you pledge your love to him… It made me sick.
That was supposed to be me. Not Ronald. I have never hurt you. He has! There’s such a difference.
I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore. But I’m not writing this to make you hurt. I want to wish you a happy ending. To make sure you’re content—that your life is full, and happy.
I will always love you.
The hot tears slipped down my cheeks, falling onto the letter just as Draco’s tears had. I ran my fingers over his words, not wanting to have the perfect image of him crying while writing this.
My hands continued to shake as I pulled out a piece of parchment, and a quill. I dipped it in the blue ink, and began to write.
I would like to say I don’t have too many regrets in life. I danced with two people on my wedding day. The one I had married, and the one I had wished I had married instead.
I will always love you too.
The sobs fought to break free from me, and my shoulders shook in resistance. I rolled it up, and let the owl take my last letter to Draco away.
Of course my marriage to Ron was a mistake. That fact lurked in the deep corners of my mind as I walked down the aisle, said, “I do”, even had our first dance together as husband and wife.
But I had still married Ron. Not the man I loved. It was all a mistake. I should have said no to Ron. I should have married Draco.
I fell to the floor, sobbing so much I could hardly breathe. This was my entire fault. Self-inflicted wounds. I had denied myself the only man I had ever truly loved, and now I was suffering the consequences.
The worst part was, is that I could never fix my mistakes. I couldn’t just wake up tomorrow morning and try again. I couldn’t go to sleep, and wake up to have a solution. This time, it was irreparable.
I shouldn’t have given up on the love of my life. But I had. Now, all I want is to go back in time.
I know I can’t.
But time passes. Flies by; slips through your fingers like water. Days, months, even years escape me. The pain lessens everyday, yet it won’t ever completely disappear. I always manage to smile, pretend to be happy with Ron. Smile for our children.
All I can hope for now, is that Draco found someone else to make him happy. Hope he doesn’t hurt as I do still, after all these years. Hope my regrets haven’t permanently left him bitter and unloving.
Hope he has learned to love again.