Chapter 3 : Three: TeePeeing Malfoy Manor
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"Aaaaannnndd...DONE!" Hermione said as she wiped her hands. Dean and Ron's mouths had been duck taped shut.
"Mrrmm mrreemr MRREERRRMM murmmmm..." Dean cried out.
"...What did he say, Luna?"
"Don't worry, I speak dumbass. He said 'This is gonna REEEAAALLLLY hurt when it comes off'."
"Oh yes, yes it will!"
Ron and Dean stared at her with frightened looks.
"Okay Luna, you got the markers?"
"Got em!" Luna cried as she held out a box of markers.
"MRRRM MUURMRMRMM MEERRRMMM MRRRRRRRRRRMMMM!" Ron screeched.
"RONALD! Watch your overly taped mouth!" Luna gasped.
"What did he say, Luna? There weren't any Translations."
"You don't wanna know..."
"Okay, Ron, you get-"
Just then, Harry shouted out a sudden outburst in his sleep.
"RON I USED YOUR BLOW TORCH TO BLOW DRY MY HAIR!"
"MMMRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMM? (That kinda speaks for itself...)" Ron screeched.
"Mrm mash map? (What was that?)" Dean asked.
"I dunno," Luna said, "But I think Harry has a sleeping disorder where he shouts out the truth in his sleep. Kinda like you Dean! Oh, and by the way Dean, you owe me 100 bucks from when you cheated in our last poker game."
"Marm it... (Dammit...)"
"Anyways, like I was saying," Hermione continued, "Ron gets the green and orange markers for his face, and Dean gets everything else because he's wearing all white, and everthing else goes with white!"
Ron sighed with relief, while Dean looked about ready to piss his pants. Harry then let out another weird sleeping outburst.
"GET THE DOOR! IT'S DOMINOES!"
The doorbell rang about five seconds later. Luna, Hermione, Ron and Dean looked from the door, to Harry, and back at the door, extremely surprised.
"That was..." Hermione said.
"Disturbingly..." Luna added.
"Mrreeeppy... (Creepy...)" Ron finised. Dean started freaking out at this point.
"MRO MY MMODD! MERE MMAALL MREEEMMMA MMIIEE! ME MEEAALLY MMISS MEESSUSS MRIST! MRE MINGS MRROOOM! (OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! HE REALLY IS JESUS CHRIST! HE BRINGS DOOM!)"
"Well, what are you waiting for? A fucking invitation?" Luna said as she pushed Hermione towards the door. "Go see who the fuck it is!"
Hermione hesistated as she slowly went to the door, just as freaked out as Dean was. Dean began hyperventalating as he screeched out the same speech over and over.
"H-H-Hello?" Hermione said shakingly as she opened the door.
"Oh, hey Hermione," said the voice at the door, "I was just wondering if I could-"
"MIT MA MECK! Mesus man mrmol mire. I memeat, MESUS MAN MRMOL MIRE! ME MAN MURN MEH MOLE MOUSE MOWN! Man, mamemer moo moo, MON'T MAKE MIM MAD! Me mets mmery men me's mad! (HIT THE DECK! Jesus can control fire. I repeat, JESUS CAN CONTROL FIRE! HE CAN BURN THE WHOLE HOUSE DOWN! Man, whatever you do, DON'T MAKE HIM MAD! He gets very angry when he's mad!)"
"Dude, chillax," said the guy at the door, "I'm not Jesus, I'm Blaise...I think..."
"Mrup...Mary...Mesus Mrist... (But...Harry...Jesus Christ...)"
Ginny suddenly gets up, and walks over to Dean, her hand in a fist.
"Ma...Minny? Mat mar moo...OWWWWWW! (Gi...Ginny? What are you...OWWWWWW!)" Dean screamed as Ginny first punched him hard in his dick, then punched him in the nose.
"SHUT UP DUMBASS!" Ginny yelled, "CAN'T YOU SEE THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO SLEEP? GRRRRRRR!"
She angrily stomped her way back over to lay down next to Harry, grabbed Harry's arm, and threw it over her as if his arm were a blanket.
"Ooooooooooookkkkkaaayyy...that was totally unexpected..." Luna started, then she looked at her watch and back at Blaise, "So, Blaise, what brings you here at 10:21 this late at night?"
"Ugghh...Draco and Goyle are doing prank calls..."
"I knew it..." Hermione muttered under her breath.
"And they won't leave me the fuck alone. Can I spend the night here so I can avoid getting restraining order against them?"
Ron then ripped the ducktape off his mouth. "Alright, mate, you can stay. My house is your house."
"It's your parents' house, dumbass..." Hermione muttered, "You just pay rent..."
"Woah! Uhhhh...Dude? Didn't that hurt?" Blaise asked astoundedly at Ron, who's mouth was now ducktape free.
"No, wh-OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! That hurt...SO FUCKING BAD!"
Dean began laughing uncontrollably, and Ron glared at him.
"Oh, so think that's funny, eh mate?" He said, and he walked over and pulled the ducktape off of Dean's mouth.
"OOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Mommy..." Dean screeched, his eyes tearing up.
"Uh..." Blaise uttered out.
"Don't mind them," Hermione apologized, "They had sugar a while ago, so they're high on caffeine."
"So Blaise," Luna said, "Welcome to Camp Dumbass. Where every kodak moment is also a stupid kodak moment. Like over there," and she pointed to Harry and Ginny sleeping together.
"You know what? I'm not even ask about that one..."
"A very wise choice, young Padawan," Dean said.
"What the hell did you just say?" Blaise asked.
Ron stepped in, but said a little louder, "He said, 'A VERY-'..."
"THE SKY IS FALLING!" Harry screamed out in his sleep.
"Oh geez..." Dean muttered. He and Hermione both gulped.
"Are we gonna die, Ron?"
"I think so, Luna"
"Huh?" Blaise questioned, "What's the deal with Harry? And how come everyone looks like they just saw a Dementor?"
"Blaise," Hermione said, "Harry is our personal bringer of doom. He speaks the truth when he sleeps. Like, right before you rang the doorbell, Harry screamed out to get the door. So, now the sky is gonna fall, and we're-"
"Woah, woah, woah," Blaise said, chuckling, "You mean to tell me that Harry, the CRAZIEST Wizard on this planet, can predict the future, when his brain can't even function a simple math equation in his sleep such as 56+(-23)?"
"ONE THOUSAND SEVENTY-SEVEN!" Harry screamed out.
Suddenly, they all heard a huge pounding against the house.
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Dean screamed, freaking out.
Ron and Hermione hugged each other. Dean and Luna hugged each other as well.
"Luna," Dean said, "If there's anything you need to tell me, now would be the time!"
"Oh Dean! I took your hair gel when we were 5 to glue my macaroni to a sheet of paper! I put a 'kick me' sign on your back when we were 7! I EVEN TOLD HARRY ABOUT YOUR SECRET STASH OF MY LITTLE PONY DOLLS!"
"Some friend you are..." Dean muttered.
Suddenly, the pounding got harder.
"Oh 'Mione!" Ron screamed out, "I was the one who put gum in your hair, not Seamus! I set the house on fire while you were out shopping one time! I called your parents and told them we were getting married! I used all your leotards for that one time I was pretending to be a super hero named Flaming Red! I replaced your shampoo and conditioner with blue and yellow hair dye so you'd have green hair! I told Ginny that Harry was gonna go on a date with you! I even-"
"Okay that's enough," Hermione said, "I'm already steamed as it is! But Ron, there's something I always wanted to tell you...I...I...I...I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS LOOKED NOTHING ALIKE!"
The steady stream of thumps got harder and harder against the house.
"Well...this is it..." Dean said, "I'm really gonna miss you guys..."
They all nodded their heads and closed their eyes, waiting for their sudden, imminent death.
"Damn, you guys are all dumbasses," Blaise said, shaking his head as he went over by the window and pulled the curtain back. "Your house is getting pummled by eggs, not the sky, you idiots!"
"You mean..." Hermione said, "WE'RE GETTING EGGED?"
He looked behind the curtain. "Uh...looks like by Draco and Goyle...Damn, I didn't know Goyle could stay up past 10:30..."
"WELL GO SCARE 'EM OFF!"
"Okay, okay!" And he ran outside to take care of the issue.
"My little ponies, huh mate?" Ron snickered at Dean.
"Shut up!" Dean shot back.
The hard thumps suddenly stopped. Then, they were replaced by screams of horror. Soon, Blaise came back into the house, wiping his hands.
"All in a day's work."
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Hemione growled, "I can't take it anymore! All in favor of getting back the Slytherin boys say 'Aye'!"
"AYE!" Everyone screamed.
"Then it's settled. Dean and Blaise, go grab the toilet paper from all the bathrooms. Ron, go get your Jolly Ranchers collection and bring it here. Luna, you follow me to my closet so we can pick out some black clothing. MOVE OUT!"
"MA'AM, YES MA'AM!"
And they moved out to do their tasks.
After everything is gathered...(10:53 P.M.)
Hermione was in her sweat suit outfit that was completely black. Ron had on his black shorts and black hoodie sweatshirt. Blaise and Luna had on black spandex clothing. Dean still didn't have anything.
"Well Dean," Hemione said, "Since you stick out like a sore thumb, you get this," she handed him her spare leotard.
"Ugghh...but it's for girls!" He whined, taking the leotard reluctantly.
"I don't see a reason why he SHOULDN'T it," Ron whispered to Luna.
"I look ridiculous!" Dean cried. "It makes my ass look huge, doesn't it!"
Ron, Luna, and Blase had to struggle hard to keep in their laughter.
"Right then, so here's the plan!" Hermione said as she gestured to a whiteboard with a drawn out picture of the neighborhood. We TP the Malfoy Manor!" She used a laser pointer and pointed to a house clearly marked 'Dumbasses'.
"Yeah-heah! This'll be fucking awesome!" Blaise cheered. "But Hermione, that's Ginny's house you labled dumbasses."
"Whoops! My bad," she said as she erased the label and put it on another house. "There. Now haul your toilet paper, and meet me by the stop sign at twenty-three hundred hours! And Ron, don't forget your candy collection..." and she laughed evily after saying that.
At stop sign by The Burrow(11:00 P.M.)
"Okay, all toilet paper accounted for?"
"Sir, yes sir! I mean Hermione! I mean Ma'am! I mean smartass! I mean-! You know what, I'm just gonna shut up now." Dean said.
"Dean, that is the best idea you've had all night. Now, where's that Jolly Rancher collection?"
"Right here!" Ron said as he held up a pillowcase filled with Jolly Ranchers.
"I don't get what they're for, though," Blaise said.
"What you do is you lick 'em, stick 'em to the windows, and when people try to pry 'em off, it leaves a big ass crack on the window!" Hermione said laughing.
"Oh, you ARE good!" Luna said, and the two girls high-fived each other.
Dean grunted as he pulled yet another wedgie from his leotard.
"Why don't we just fork their yard instead?" Ron asked as he munched on the Jolly Ranchers.
"Because, Ron, your collection needs to find a new home that's not UNDER MY BED or IN YOUR STOMACH," Hermione seized the bag from him. "Besides, I don't wanna have to go to the store and get the plastic forks."
"But I got other stuff under MY bed!"
"Oh you mean the magazine collection with the really cool cars? I threw those away."
"Wha-? Now I can't pretend I have a black convertible Porsche with hotrod flames anymore!"
"Porsche?" Luna said, "You could've gotten a WAY cooler Ferrari, you know."
"Yeah, but the Porsche has really big cup holders."
"Ooooooooh! That makes sence then. What size cups did the Ferrari have?"
"It didn't have none."
"MY WORLD IS COMMING TO AN END!" and she started sobbing.
Blaise and Hermione could only look at her surpringly.
"Guys! CAR!" Dean yelled as he pointed at a car that was comming up the street.
"IS IT A FERRARI WITH CUP HOLDERS?" Luna exclaimed as she looked back around.
"What? No! Just get out of the way!" Dean yelled at her, "It COULD be the FUZZ!"
"The fuzz? Dude, we're not in some 80's film, you know!" Hermione said as she dodged into some nearby bushes.
The car rolled right on by and continued down the street.
"Did anyone see what kind it was?" Luna asked.
"Minivan," Ron groaned.
"Okay, now the mansion is that way," Blaise said, "We just gotta pass Harry's place and a couple more houses before we-"
"Can we get Harry's house too? PLEASE?" Ron begged.
"Okay, fine, we can get Harry's place too," Hermione said, "But only because that stupid Irish half-blood lives there too."
"Yes!" Dean and Ron cheered.
"Alight, gang, let's go!"
Hermione jumped on her scooter and rode off. Blaise went into his 'Ninja Stealth' mode, and took off, gliding and running across the bushes and trees. Ron jumped on his skateboard and took off, Luna followed behind him on her bike.
"Well, I don't wanna run, because I'll just get more wedgies from this fucking leotard," Dean said to himself, "Well, I got no other choice." And he turned into his 'Black Stealth' mode and followed the others.
At Harry's house...(11:03 P.M.)
"Wait, it only took us three minutes to get here?" Blaise asked.
"Guess so!" Hermione said, scratching her head.
"Let's get this show on the road people!" Dean said as he pulled out 10 rolls of toilet paper.
"I'll be lookout!" Luna cried out, and she ran behind a mailbox and started looking for cars.
Hermione took a couple of rolls of toilet paper from Ron. "Okay, Ron, you and Blaise get the bushes. Me and Dean will get the trees."
"How come I can't get the trees?"
"Because you can't jump or climb to save your life."
"I hate logic."
Hermione leaped up the big tree and handed a roll to Dean. "You ready, mate?"
"Heh Heh, time for some payback," Dean said with an evil smile.
Meanwhile, down below...
"Muahahahahah!" Ron laughed as puts long strands of paper on the bushes.
"Shhhhh! Be quiet!" Blaise warned him. "Neville and Seamus are still in there remember?"
"Oh right," Ron said, then he laughed in a whisper, "Muahahahahahah!"
Blaise only rolled his eyes at him.
"Why has the Ferrari betrayed me so?" Luna said to herself, "Why, cup holders make the world go round!" She then spotted a car comming their direction. "GUYS! CAR!"
But the car turned at a stop sign before it even reaches Harr's house.
"Never mind! False Alarm!"
Twenty minutes later (11:24 P.M.)
"Okay guys, I think we're done!" Hermione said with her hands on her hip. They were looking at a completely white house.
"What? But I haven't finished putting the Jolly Ranchers on the windows!" Ron said.
"We'll do it on the way back, alright?" Luna told him.
"Alright..." He pouted.
"Ahh, this fucking leotard is driving me crazy!" Dean cried out, and he ripped it off, revealing his completely white clothing underneath, which gave off kind of a glow in the night.
Just then, the lights came on in the window's of Harry's house.
"Neville! Wake up! There's someone outside!" came Seamus' voice from within.
"EEEEKKKK!" Dean squeaked, and he put back on the leotard.
"Oh wait, never mind," Seamus said, and the lights turned off again.
"Huh?" Blaise said, and he ripped off Dean's leotard again.
"Neville! Wake up! There's someone outside again!"
Blaise put Dean's leotard back on.
"Sorry Neville, just the wind..."
"Uh huh..." Blaise muttered, and he ripped off Dean's leotard again.
"THERE IT IS AGAIN!"
Blaise put Dean's leotard back on.
"Okay then..." Blaise muttered, and he ripped off the leotard again.
"I GOT IT THIS TIME, NEVILLE!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO BACK TO SLEEP MAN!" Neville yelled as he grabbed a frying pan and whacked Seamus upside his head twice.
"Oooohh...pretty smart Hermiones..." Seamus said in a dazed voice.
"Stupid Irish Half-Blood..." Hermione said as she shook her head.
"Wow," Ron said, Dean's visible even when he's not visible!"
"Ronald, that made absolutely no sence at all," Blaise said.
"It didn't? Awww man! I'm broke too..."
"Okay gang," Hermione said, "To Malfoy Manor! C'mon Luna!"
Conversation between Ron and Luna...(11:47 P.M.)
Ron and Luna rode beside each other as the gang moved on.
"So, what'dja see?" Ron asked.
"Ugh, not much...I saw 5 minivans, a Beamer Convertible, but there was an old guy in there, a Hummer-you know, the big yellow ones like this one here in the driveway of that plastic surgeon dad, a soccer mom van, oh! And a purple Mustang."
"Don't see a lot of those around, huh?"
"Yeah, but the engine sounded kinda diesely."
"Diesely? Hmph! Diesel MAY cost less th-"
"Ron, stop flirting with Luna," Dean said from up above the trees he was running across.
"Don't make me come up there!" Luna called up at him.
"Wow, how do you do that?" Ron asked.
"What? Make Dean do whatever I tell him to?"
"Yeah, how do you do it?"
"I just buckle down on him,and make him think I'm his strict dictator that loves him in the most non-boyfriend/girlfriend way possible."
"Woooooooooooooow...I wish I could-"
"Ron, you're one of the most amazing Wizards in this town, remember? You CAN."
"Malfoy ahoy!" Blaise called up ahead.
"I CALL WATCH AGAIN!" Luna yelled.
"Okay...you can have watch again," Hermione said, a bit surprised.
"Yeessssssssssss! Maybe this time I'll see a Mercedes-Benz!" Luna said happily as she skipped towards the mailbox to hide behind.
Hermione pointed at Ron. "Stay away from her. Your fucking stupidity is rubbing off on her, and I'm beginning to get scared now."
"Yeah, whatever." Ron said.
"Okay, here's the game plan," Hermione said, "Do everything just like at Harry's house, Got it?"
"Got it!" Blaise replied happily.
"Well aren't you chipper than a chipmunk?" Ron said to him.
"Sorry, I'm just so excited to get back at these fucking idiots!" Blaise replied. "Finally, My IQ and honor won't suffer!"
"GUYS! COPS!" Luna called out.
Everyone tensed up and stared frantically at one another.
"And it's a Hatchback, too!" Luna called out again.
At that last comment, Hermione could only shake her head in annoyance.
Uh oh! Here comes the cops!
Will the gang get arrested? Are the cops looking for them?
What kind of questions will they be asked if they are caught?
Find out next time!
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