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What's My Age Again? by Hashbr0wns
Chapter 1 : Everything has its advantages
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 1

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I don't own anything. 

For the first time ever I wished that I was waking up to the dismal typical tone of my alarm clock back at home. I swear anything would've beat Angelina Johnson's whiny voice at the crack of dawn. I suppose I didn't really have anything against the girl but I find it more than difficult to co-operate with morning people. 

"Jess you are not going to be late on your first morning back at hogwarts, you are not, it's not happening up now." She practically screeched down my ear. 

It wouldnt' take a simple shout down the ear to wake me up, nope I'd had more than a decade of practice at over sleeping, being on time on the first day was a physical impossibility. I sank further into the covers stretching mine and my bed's relationship 10% further, we loved eachother we really did. 

After babbling on about Snape and detention Angelina finally gave in and left with the rest of her oh so eager to learn bunch of friends. 

Don't get me wrong I had no problem with what we're taught or how we're taught it, the education at hogwarts is marvellous and all that, it's just the time of day they choose to teach it. I'm afraid to say anything earlier than noon will never work for me. 

I could be enjoying hogwarts finest bacon right now, do I get 10 more minutes of shut eye or bacon. Sleep or bacon, ugh so so torn. 

I thought of the twins, they'll be devouring everything hogwarts breakfast menu has to offer right now.

After thinking it through I decided gaining detention wasn't the brightest idea first day back so I got up and regretted it instantly, the castle was bloody freezing in the mornings. I wish it was hygienically approved to sleep in my uniform and wear it again the next day, less time, less effort and less freezing my tits off. 

I had a quick glance at the clock. Shit. 

Well no time for hair brushing, tough luck. I grabbed my books and raced down the stairs of the gryffindor dormitories trying to pull my socks up on the way.

Snape first thing on a Monday morning, such a valid reason for increase in suicide rates. The halls were mostly empty apart from a few older students loitering because they had free periods, they looked so smug i cannot wait for the day i have a free first period on monday morning I'm looking forward to that hour of sleep right now. 

I finally made it to the dungeons, I stood outside the classroom pondering whether to skip it all together and feign illness. Turns out I was too late to turn back Snape had decided for me, he stood in the doorway waiting for an explanation, probably. 

"Ah Miss Deacon, I see you're 17 minutes late" He said confidently motioning towards the clock as solid proof.

"Detention after school, this Friday. Get to your seat."

"Stupid arsehole fuck sake..." I mumbled under my breath 

"Make that two detentions then Miss Deacon, seated now please" He snapped. 

I restrained myself from cursing any further and trudged to the back where the twins were waiting for me, obviously amused by what had just occured between me and Snape. 

"Morning" They whispered simultaneously in their typical nonchalant tone. 

"Ugh" I slammed my head down on to the desk as Fred took it open himself to unload my books from my bag on to the desk, this was a very regular thing as my level of laziness exceeds 100. 

"Fred, George cover me, I need to catch some more sleep" 

"You're only digging a deeper hole for yourself dear Jessica" George sang aware that the sentence itself would aggravate me. 

"George I understand yes okay I'll be a perfect student next lesson please just cover me and don't let me get another detention." 

"But we want speak to you this lesson we hardly saw you all summer come on I'm ready for a fully fueled conversation now" Fred smirked. 

"Jesus christ both of you shut up please just, I'll speak to you next lesson ok" I snapped quietly at them slamming my head down once again. A few things I've learnt throughout school is how to sleep anywhere in any position at any time. But it was stupid of me to believe I could sleep through a whole potions lesson without Snape butting in. 

"Jessica, any further thoughts on the dangers of philtre potions?"

"Erm" I swerved my attention to the clock 20 minutes, I got 20 minutes of sleep. Which is my best record yet in potions I would have found a way to celebrate if it weren't for Snape and half the class looking at my expectantly. 

"Yes er philtre potions" Might as well bull shit I thought as I dived into my next line of complete crap. 

"Those sort of potions can be very very very dangerous to a wizard for example the love potion that's a philtre potion right, erm it can cause excessive brain damage well because of course it's making the wizard think that...forget it just throw me another detention" Why not add another one on. All the more fun for me. 

"We'll be having a very long discussion about this on Friday, Deacon" I gave a small nod in reply.

Class was over after a few more mini lectures and what not and made a run for it so I wouldn't have to deal with Snape after class as well. 

"Morning sunshine" the twins chorused together. 

"Gah I am not emotionally ready to face defense against the dark arts" I whined. Mad Eye Moody was driving me crazy, nor did I feel exactly safe in his lessons either. I continued mumbling to myself about Mad Eye's sanity whilst Fred and George fumed about not being able to enter the triwizard tournament. They'd completley lost it last night in the great hall when they were told they couldn't enter. I however did not care, firstly it was too dangerous usually i'm not one for safety hazard rules and all that but when it came to a possibility of death i drew the line, we obviously weren't old enough for a reason. Secondly It was fun to watch them moan and complain whilst watching them shout obscenities towards Dumbledore. 

DADA was mostly uneventful apart from the odd fight with the Slytherins, I got through my other classes quite easily, falling in and out of sleep. I was wide awake and ready to stuff my face by the time lunch came. I skipped down to the great hall and scanned for red hair. 

"Why don't they serve bacon at lunch" I frowned at the twins as I took my seat opposite them. 

"Why do almost all our conversations consist of bacon" Fred questioned rolling his eyes. 

"Bacon is the best friend a person could have, bacon can't hurt your feelings, bacon will go with you anywhere, bacon won't betray you, bacon is always there for you" I cut myself off as I realised I was currently without bacon. "Well most of the time anyway."

Fred just laughed at my stupidity, whilst George dived into a full on debate on how he and his brother were better best friends than bacon. Suprisingly sometimes George can not actually take a joke. 

"George for the last time I was joking, I am sorry for ever considering food over you two, you are much better friends than bacon, my sincere apologies." I saw his eyes lit up as he and Fred started laughing together, they both felt rather superior that they had got me to say a heart felt apology about bacon. 

Just as I was about to snap back at them, my owl flew overhead dropping a letter on my head. I picked it up off the floor where it had landed and ripped it open carelessly.  

Dear Jess 

Your headmaster wrote to me the other day, and informed me off how you were getting on, I am really not pleased at all Jessica. What's happening? I am told that your grades are below average and your attitude to teachers is apalling. I suggest you stay at school when half term comes, in order for you to catch up on more work. I do not want to recieve a letter from your headmaster again do you understand? Write back to let me know you got this. 

Me and Greg are expecting to get married in the summer as well, I want you to know that your opinion of my choices in men does not affect me, it's what your dad would've wanted. 

Love mum x

I stared in distaste at the letter, short and simple mum eh like always. I never thought I could bring myself to hate my own mother but I was borderline close. After dad died everything was about her she pretended to mourn and grieve, little did she know that I knew she was having an affair. She was up her own arse and the amount of blokes she started to bring home was embarrasing. Oh if dad was still here. 

"You're fucking kidding me" I mumbled loudly tossing the letter aside. 

"Your mum?" Fred questioned concerningly. 

"My grades are shit and I think I've just been kicked out" I replied in a bright tone but at the same time looking as if I was about to start throwing punches. 

"Let's see" George reached over and grabbed the letter and began reading. 

"What a load of bull" He exclaimed after scanning it and passing it to Fred. 

"Did you read the bit where she asked how I was?" I spat sarcastically. 

Fred squeezed my hand in reassurance "It'll get better, we promise." He said confindently motioning to him and his brother. 

"Whatever." I grumbled. 

For the next 10 minutes or so we chatted nonsense about pranks and slytherins, coming up with prank ideas was my favourite thing to do with the twins, it was always fun I could always relax and forget everything when focusing on humilating people such as Malfoy. Lunch was over all too quickly, me and George headed off to charms, Fred being the idiot he was chose to take Herbology instead. I chuckled to myself at the thought of him having to wrestle malicious plants for an hour. 

"Georgeeeee" I whined to him. 

"What?" He said worriedly. Usually when I extended his name in the tone that I did it meant that I was up to something. 

"I can't face charms I mean I really can't" 

"It's our first day back how are you meant to handle a week never mind a year!" He laughed. 

"I'm ill" I beamed back at him hoping he would catch on. 

He sighed contemplating something, then he reached into his pocket. 

"Nosebleed nougat or puking pastille?" George smirked knowing I would be more than pleased. 

"George Weasley I love you!" I almost screamed bouncing up and down, I admit to myself I was awful, skiving on the first day but some things just can't be helped. 

"I'll take a nosebleed, I'm not in the puking mood" I said thoughtfully whilst taking the two sweets from his hand. The orange one to start the nosebleed and purple one to stop it. 

"Shall we?" George spoke holding out his arm for me to take. 

"We shall" I replied in a formal tone as we proceeded to charms class.

Not even 5 minutes into the lesson, I slyly slipped the sweet into my mouth and swallowed waiting to be released from this dreaded classroom. I felt something trickle down my face. Fighting the urge to laugh I raised my hand to get Flitwick's attention. 

"Professor could I please be excused" I said faking panic and motioning towards my bleeding nose. 

Realisation hit him and he started waving his arms about "Yes of course, go, go!" 

I got up from my seat and headed for the door ignoring the strange looks from the rest of the class. 

"I'll go with her!" George shouted jumping up from his seat not waiting around to hear Flitwick's response. 

As soon as we were out of ears reach we both erupted into laughter, I realised my nose was still bleeding also I'd left quite a trail of blood behind me. "Oops" I laughed looking at the blood aware that it looked like a murder scene. 

"Hurry up and take the other sweet before you flood the place." He urged pratically shoving the thing in my mouth. 

"How long does it take?" I asked while tilting my head in awkward positions to ensure I didn't completley soak my uniform. 

"30 seconds max." 

I counted in my head, until I realised I was at 72. 

"George you did double check these products and everything yeah?" 

"Yes yes, triple checked my dear, stop fussing you must just have an awkward blood vessel" He sounded confident. 

Awkward blood vessel well that sounded ever so promising. 

"George it's not.." 

He cut me off, "Stop worrying it'll be fine come on let's go to the common room before someone sees us." 

I started to walk with him until I started coughing, coughing blood. Shit. 

"George I'm fucking dying George what have you done GEORGE!" I screamed at him in between splutters of blood. 

"Shit, what no we tested the products, triple checked like I said." He said in a state of bewilderment and worry. "Fine we'll go to the hospital wing, come on"

I grabbed onto him for support whilst coughing up my entire blood stream. After quite a struggle we made it to the hospital wing only to be attacked by Pomfrey throwing questions at me one after the other. She took me over to a bed and scurried away, coming back a few seconds later with a bucket for me to bleed into. I threw daggers at George who looked baffled.

I started to laugh when she started screaming at him, but I was cut off due to another splutter of blood. "I don't know what happened, like I said we found the sweets at the dinner table at lunch and she ate one of them." He rushed, raising his hands up in defense. This only caused me to glare at him more he smiled timidly. Oh I was going to kill him. 

"I know someone who might know a few tricks Madam Pomfrey, I'll go get him." George ran out of the room leaving Pomfrey shouting after him. She disappeared and hurried back a few minutes later shoving a potion of some sort at me. "This will help dear, though I'm not quite sure what those sweets have done to you." She emphasised the word sweets to let me know that she didn't really believe George's story at all. 

Speaking of which he rushed in through the doorway with his other half at his side. Now I had two people to shoot daggers at. 

Fred charged up "I know a spell that might work." He said getting past pomfrey. 

"Prohibere cruentis." Fred whispered. 

This better work. 

I felt nothing, shortly after though I felt the blood stop running from nose and touched it carefully for confirmation. It had worked. I was still going to bloody kill them though. 

Pomfrey looked surprised, still she started shooing the twins out of the hospital wing. 

"Out, both of you now, out Miss Deacon will need some time for the blood replenishing potion to kick in. You can come back later." 

I sighed only just becoming aware of how dizzy I actually was, I looked at my clothes then to the bucket, quite certain that I'd lost about 3 pints of blood. I slammed my head back onto the awkward pillows of the hospital wing. 

The things I do to get out of lessons. At least I get to sleep now and maybe if I milk this incident a bit longer I can get out of lessons tomorrow. 

Everything has its advantages. 

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