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Dangerous Weapons by TheGoldenKneazle
Chapter 1 : "Are you going to use that on me?!"
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 7

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A/N: This is my first attempt at a sort of Lorcan/James! It’s also the first slapdash humour I’ve written for a while, I think… I’d forgotten how much I loved it <3 Anyway, it’s big thanks to Karni (MyMyMiss) for her Bathroom Humour Challenge, which is what this is written for. The item I got was a women’s razor, in the next-gen era :) I hope you like it.


Dangerous Weapons

It was Sunday morning, and Lorcan Scamander was enjoying a nice, long, session of bathroom therapy. She had taken a bath with as many bath bombs and scented oils as she could find, gone completely overboard with the amount of rubber ducks and plastic boats she had brought in with her, and flooded the bathroom. Yes, it had been a successful bath.

But after getting out at the annoyed bangs on the door from her room-mates, she had realised that her legs seemed to advertise that she was part-monkey, and so had rubbed soap into a nice foam when she heard the remaining room-mate – Sasha Boot, maybe? – shrieking something loudly.

Lorcan ignored the shrieks; it was Sasha’s favourite hobby, and it was probably her just discovering that Lucy had used the last of her perfume or something similar.

However, she was just admiring the hopping-frog edging on the rather small purple-and-green towel she was wrapped in, that she probably needed a new version of, when a bloke casually strolled into the bathroom.

The bloke just so happened to be James Potter. And he was in the Ravenclaw sixth year girls’ bathroom.

In fact, he was still talking over his shoulder to a distinctly grumpy-looking Sasha Boot, whose face turned to an expression of surprise as she saw exactly what James had led himself into.

Lorcan had to admit that she would have found it hilarious too… if she wasn’t the poor soul that James Potter barrelled into and knocked sideways so she was draped over the side of the bath.

Still wearing just a towel, mind you. An extremely small and awkward towel that very nearly let her flash to the world as she nearly tumbled over the edge in a tangle of blonde hair, and then the towel nearly fell off entirely so she had to quickly re-wrap it around herself.

Picking herself up off the ground, she scowled at James and tried to collect herself elegantly, as Lucy had taught her countless times, but gave up when he stood back up and stared at her with wide eyes, garbling nonsensically and rubbing his hair up the wrong way at the back in an anxious fashion.

“Oh… er… um, sorry, I’m sorry, Lorc – I, uh, oh my gosh what is that in your hand?! Are you about to murder me with it?!” he yelped, his voice shooting up several octaves.

Lorcan looked at her hand. Well, there was a women’s razor… and nothing else.

“What, with this old thing? Sure, I’m a murderer. But why are you in the girls’ bathroom?”

“Eh… oh, Lucy sent me up. She said nobody was in here, and then that screechy room-mate of yours happened, so…”

“Sasha’s like that,” Lorcan mused, “but who let you in to the common room?”

James frowned, puffing out his chest. “Do you really think I’m stupid enough to not get the easy-peasy Ravenclaw Tower riddle?” Lorcan raised an eyebrow, and he deflated, nodding. “Yeah, it was a first-year.”

“Which one was it?”

“The silence one; when you say my name you break me or something.”

“Oh, right. That’s a tricky one,” she said to be kind, but it was really one of the easiest. James seemed to perk up a bit though.

“Really? And are you still going to murder me?”

She rolled her eyes. “’Course not. Now can you leave so I can finish my nice bathroom routine?”

He pouted. “Do I have to? I needed some of Lucy’s shampoo, that’s why she sent me up here.”

“Fine,” Lorcan sighed, “I’ll go get changed out here instead. You find the shampoo – it should be over there – and don’t come out!”

“But – but - ” James seemed to be struggling with his words until he spat out, “I don’t want to be alone!”

Lorcan burst out into laughter, surreptitiously hitching up the worryingly loose towel. “Jamesy, it’s a girls' bathroom. Nothing is going to bite!”

“But… exactly! It’s a girls' bathroom!” he seemed bewildered at how Lorcan could find this funny, but she merely walked past with as much dignity as she could muster while she worked the wet-dog look and ruffled his hair.

“I’ll be two seconds. Grab your Wonderwitch Extra-Oomph! Sparkle-Shine Shampoo and don’t leave the bathroom!”

She backed out, holding up the towel and chucking the razor into the now-empty bathtub as she pulled the door to behind her and had a four-second panic over what to wear before she remembered that it didn’t matter, because she just needed to get James out and down the stairs before he stuck a mascara wand up each nostril.

Merlin knew that if he so much as opened Sasha Boot’s make-up bag, there would be nobody left to read the hundred or so eulogies needed for the mass funeral. On the other hand, Lorcan owned no make-up – at least, none that was viable to be called so. Flashing nail varnish and joke flavoured eyeshadow were the closest to counting as such.

She threw on a pair of cropped jeans and an old t-shirt of Lucy’s with a logo that looked suspiciously like it read ‘Dumbledore FTW!’ and was running a hand through her hair as a brush when Lucy appeared.

“Dear Merlin, Lorcan, I could have eaten several crumple-horned snorkaks in the time it’s taken you to get ready! You need to brush your hair. Hey, is that my t-shirt?” The human whirlwind was already examining it as Lorcan brushed her off.

“Oi Luce, you know when you sent James up for your shampoo… did you actually check to see who was in there first?” she asked, hand on hip.

Lucy cocked her head, confused. “Yes, there was nobody in when I went down. Why?”

“Well, it seems there was an error in that judgement, because there was actually someone in there…” she trailed off for effect, and Lucy looked horrified, bringing a hand to her mouth.

“Oh Merlin! Not Sasha?! We’re all dead!”

“No, not Sasha.”

“Did Rose and Lily sneak in again? I’ve told them so many times, they just can’t barge in on us like that!”

“No, none of your relations,” Lorcan sighed.

“Oh my Merlin. It wasn’t - ”

“It was ME!” she cut off Lucy’s tirade. “Honestly! The one who's just come out of the bathroom, best friend, twin of Lysander - and don't deny you just sneaked up to the Gryffindor boys' dorms in an attempt to see him half-dressed - Lorcan Scamander!" She waved her hand in front of Lucy's face, who promptly scowled and tried to bite her offending hand.

"Lorcan Salamander Lovegood Scamandar,” Lucy retaliated smugly. Lorcan gasped theatrically.

“You did not just go there!” she cried, and Lucy’s smile dropped off her face as Lorcan barrelled into her, knocking her to the ground and sitting on her stomach, completely winding the strawberry blonde.

They were both grinning but as Lorcan opened her mouth to distract Lucy while she grabbed a sock to stuff in her friend’s mouth, there was a small yelp from the bathroom, and Lorcan’s expression turned anxious.

“Oh shoot, we left James in the girls’ bathroom…” scrambling off Lucy, she threw herself into the door and let it bang open before freezing.

The scene before her eyes was horrifying.

“James…” she whimpered, “what have you done?”

He looked round at her, eyes widening as he tried to shove the problem behind him. “Well, I – um – might…”

“James! What in the name of Merlin’s lacy knickers have you done?!” Lucy screeched from the doorway as she stood up behind Lorcan, who was still weakly propped against the door.

James frowned at this, angrily retrieving his leg from the side of the bath and waving his finger in Lucy’s direction. “Hey! It’s better for me this way, it’s not like it’s affecting you! I mean, just because you don’t want me to be more attractive to girls doesn’t mean that I’m going to stand by that!”

Lorcan couldn’t help burst out laughing as the offending leg was right in her eye-line. Be more attractive to girls? “James, you just shaved your leg! How the heck is that ever going to make you more attractive to girls?!”

It was quite ridiculous. There was his normal leg with the front wonkily shaved bare, all hair disappeared from a rectangle on his shin except for a couple of strays, where he had attacked himself with a razor.

Lorcan’s pink women’s razor, to be exact.

Oh, and there was a small cut on his knee, where he had obviously tried to go up higher.

Sweet Merlin.

“But – girls don’t like hairy legs!” he cried, pathetically waving the razor at them as Lorcan picked herself off the doorframe and advanced towards him, her arms outstretched in an attempt to grab her razor before James did anything stupid with it.

His eyes widened, and he started to frantically glance about himself before spreading his arms and waving them like a pathetic duck. It was only made funnier by the plastic ducks still waddling and quacking crossly in the empty bathtub, who were evidently not very pleased that Lorcan had abandoned them.

She raised her eyebrows, and grabbed the first thing she could lay her hands on without breaking eye contact, and wielded it in front of her face as menacingly as she could.

A flannel. Lorcan rolled her eyes at its uselessness, even though it had little frogs hopping around the edge to match her towel, but brandished it bravely. “Think you’re so strong, Potter?”

James narrowed his eyes playfully, chucking the pink razor to his right. There was a yelp of annoyance from behind them as Lucy was hit in the face, and as James grabbed a bottle of shampoo to wield, she playfully threw the flannel in his face.

“Lorcan, my face is all wet now! That was a step too far,” James shouted at her, still grinning, and feinting left and right. Suddenly, without warning, he squeezed the bottle of shampoo as hard as he could, aiming right for her face.

Lorcan shrieked as the shiny pink foam encased her head, sticking all over her face and already starting to puff up her hair. Damn that Wonderwitch Extra-Oomph! Sparkle-Shine stuff; if she didn’t wash it out soon, her hair would be like live candyfloss. And nobody wanted a repeat of the Ravenclaw girls’ previous Wonderwitch Extra-Oomph! Sparkle-Shine Shampoo explosion.

Her hair had been lilac and singing for days, if she remembered correctly.

She gasped as it started to ooze down her back, humming as it did so, and wiped her face with her hands. “You did not just go there.”

“Oh, I think I just di – AHH!”

Lorcan had grabbed one of Sasha’s disastrous home-concoction bottles, and squeezed it for all she was worth at James. From the look and smell of it – a hot pink cinnamon – it was the bubble bath/hair dye crossover, and Lorcan contemplated her nice victory as James flailed and bashed his way backwards.

Unfortunately, that was the point at which everything went wrong.

As James flailed, he managed to crash sideways into the girls’ toiletries storage cupboard. Being tall and narrow, it wobbled dangerously with the extra weight, just about staying upright; but while Lorcan saw immediately what was going to happen and rushed forwards to pull blinded James away, she slipped on the dropped flannel and was sent crashing forwards onto James instead. With the added weight of Lorcan and her new-found momentum, the cabinet slowly tipped sideways and crashed against the sinks.

As a loud wood-smashing sound filled the room along with Lorcan and James’ groans, hundreds of bottles and bags started to slide out of the open cabinet door, making their way out the entrance and skittering across the floor as further bottles and make-up items landed on top of them. The sounds of smashing glass and slowly glugging liquid were heard quite easily in the sudden quiet, as Lorcan tried to pick herself up and off James, who had provided quite the soft landing.

In fact, she had just about managed to stand upright and start to assess the considerable damage when Lucy re-appeared from wherever she had disappeared to.

It was quite inevitable that when The Human Whirlwind arrived, she did not come quietly. And so it was that in this case too, she decided that turning the shower on to maximum power and leaping into the room whilst spraying water at everyone and everything was better than simply strolling in making pithy remarks.

“AAAAH! FEAR MY WRATH!” she shrieked, blasting the hundreds of shards of wood and glass backwards.

Lorcan yelped, pulling a very dazed James to the side and under the sink as Lucy carried on with her mad moment and charged around the bathroom bellowing like an angry bull on steroids. Lorcan threw up an arm to protect her face, and seeing how out of it James was, threw her other arm around his neck and covered his face with her other arm.

One couldn’t be sure of what Lucy would do, and so you had to be protected against all manner of awful situations. On the other hand, it didn’t really matter what happened to James’ face anymore; his half-shaved leg was enough to send anyone screaming from the room, Hogwarts and Scotland.

They weren’t sure how long they sheltered under the sinks, but it was when Lorcan realised that she couldn’t hear much except James’ quiet groans that she opened her eyes and starting to suspiciously inspect the foggy bathroom for signs of fallen/dead/injured/hog-tied Lucy. Lucy was never quiet, unless she was staring at Lysander sitting at the Gryffindor table, in which case Lorcan found it supremely awkward.

Lucy even hummed in her sleep, that was how loud she was.

But now, there was silence while the mist coiled in a bored manner around the devastation. In face, so much silence that Lorcan jumped when water lapped slightly against her legs, and banged her head on the ceramic sink rather hard.

Amidst the impressive string of swear words, Lorcan didn’t fail to notice – several minutes and watering eyes later – that the water was now lapping a bit higher above her leg. In fact, it was now covering her ankle, and was rising quite menacingly and silently.

“Oh bugger,” she breathed, hauling James up a bit and starting to slap his face lightly. “C’mon Jamesie, can you please get up? I think Lucy’s gone and got us into a bit of a sticky situation.”

“Ung, d’af to?” he muttered, which Lorcan interpreted as ‘Ugh, do I have to?’

“Yeah, you do, because it’s up to my knee now, and I’m not going to save you from drowning if you’re dragging me down,” she encouraged, poking him in the arm until he had to hit her and sit up, clutching his head.

“I am going to murder her when we’re done with drowning, and then I’m going to make her an inferius to kill you too,” he scowled at her.

Lorcan smiled sweetly in response. “Let’s not forget the bright soul whose idea it was to use the dreaded Wonderwitch Extra-Oomph! Sparkle-Shine Shampoo, and then shave his flipping leg for a date.”

James grimaced, then jumped when the water hissed as it reached his waist; evidently some of Sasha Boot’s horrendous beauty potion was still on him. Nothing else smelled that bad when mixed with water, except maybe her mother’s dragonsfoot and Ashwinder egg mixture.

They quickly extracted themselves from under the sink, and Lorcan felt momentarily calmed as she realised that the water wasn’t even up to her knees when she was standing up, but then James muttered something about the water levels rising, and she remembered what a sticky situation they were in.

“Oi! Lucy!” James shouted from beside her, in a rare display of intelligence.

Lorcan waded over to where she estimated the door to be, leaving James where he was to shout, and trying to avoid the largest chunks of floating wood and glass that had become distributed around the room.

Reaching the wall, she shuffled along the wet tiles until her hand found the door handle. Immediately, she wrenched at it, but found it stubbornly locked. Of course.

What exactly had been going through her crazy best friend’s head when she decided to put a geminio multiplying spell on the water and then locked them in the bathroom?!

Lorcan didn’t often get worried or anxious, simply because it was not in her genes and she did not see the point. However, at this point, she was experiencing those two emotions strongly. This situation, whilst funny to those outside it and would be to them too (if they managed to get out and kill Lucy), was what was often known as a ‘typical Hogwarts accident’.

‘Typical Hogwarts accidents’ always involved magic going wrong in some way; a spell backfiring, or misfiring, or accidentally firing – they also often involved someone getting hurt.

Well, on the plus side, James had already probably got concussion. Lorcan thought that it should count for something, right? Maybe the wizard gods who engineered ‘typical Hogwarts accidents’ would take pity on them because they’d already sacrificed some of their blood, and it was Harry Potter’s eldest child here.

But whilst she waited for some sort of lightning bolt or sudden temperature drop as a sign, the water continued to rise, swirling around her waist. There were still ominous fizzles and swells of golden bubbles coming from certain areas of the water, but none closer than three or so feet away.

Lorcan only looked back to the water when James waded over to her and poked her violently in the shoulder blade.

He really should have picked a less bony place; it was quite painful, and Lorcan grabbed her back as best she could, scowling.

“Lucy isn’t going to appear out of the ceiling, you know,” James said with a grin, wringing out his t-shirt at the same time. It didn’t seem to worry him that this was now half of the material.

“I know, I was just hoping Merlin would give us a sign.”

“Of course he won’t. He’s too busy answering the prayers of the idiots who decided to fall off broomsticks elsewhere,” James replied, earning a laugh from Lorcan.

“I’d forgotten about those prats. At least we can blame them for our drowning then, can’t we?”

“Yep. It would probably make a load more rules for quidditch though, and then we’ll go down in history because originally all 704 quidditch rules were created after the first ever Quidditch World Cup final,” James said sadly.

Lorcan stared at him. “James, how is it that you managed to get a D in your Transfiguration mock exam, but you know all of that?”

James just shrugged, and she rolled her eyes.

“Well, you know what is a good thing that’s come out of this? No girl will ever see your shaven leg,” Lorcan said nonchalantly, ignoring the water that was only a few inches below her shoulders.

James gasped theatrically, and suddenly leapt through the water towards her, pushing her underwater. It was not a pleasant surprise for her, as she spluttered underwater and lost any air in her lungs, thrashing around as she tried to get to the surface again. At the moment when her lungs started to burn, and the whole thing was beyond a joke anymore, James released her shoulders so that she popped up like a demented cork. Lorcan was too busy gasping and flailing to do much at first, but when she saw James’ grin, her eyes narrowed dangerously.

That complete and utter pig.

As something little floated by her in the water, Lorcan grabbed it and held it aloft threateningly. If they were going to drown in this chin-height water, she wanted to scare James first for what he’d done!

“Alright, you,” she hissed, trying to prevent the laughter from escaping her throat, “you are going to - ”

In fact, James never found out what he was going to do, because at that moment, they were both bowled over as the water in the bathroom suddenly spilled out of the steam-filled bathroom. The door had been flung open, and they were both caught inside the huge wave. It was all Lorcan could do to not swallow the half-bathroom’s worth of water, or any of the dangerous potions dissolved in it.

Merlin knew what awful effect that might have to your internal organs.

However, as she was swept painfully into something very chunky and wooden, she accidentally breathed in some of the worrying concoction, and resurfaced whilst trying to empty her lungs. Normally, she would have looked round for James next, but once she had coughed her throat raw, she became all too aware of a shrill shrieking in her ears.

“AAAHH I AM SO SORRY!” It was Lucy, sweeping her up and out of the mini-paddling-pool that was the new and revamped version of the sixth-year girls’ dormitory. “I did not mean for that to happen! I was just there, and then I stepped out just for a minute, and I totally didn’t realise that I had done that. Lys is the only reason that nothing more happened, he saved you and me and James!”

Coughing a bit more, Lorcan pulled out of Lucy’s excited hug, and stood up. She met Lysander’s sheepish grin with narrowed eyes.

Lucy might be under the strong illusion that Lorcan’s twin had saved them all, but Lorcan was used to filtering through Lucy’s biased accounts. If you were used to Lucy-speak, it was plain to hear exactly why she and James had been locked in that bathroom.

“So, Lysander,” she announced, trying to sound murderous, but sounding more like a pre-pubescent boy with whooping cough instead. “Talked to anyone interesting lately? Accidentally controlled some magic lately? Played any pranks lately?”

Lysander was scuttling backwards as best he could, but was mostly just dithering and splashing in the water around Lucy’s bed. Lorcan, on the other hand, was advancing menacingly with her hands on her hips, and trying to not fall over as she waded through the floating textbooks and clothes from the floor.

Never had she more regretted not tidying up her part of the room.

“Maybe, Lysander, you would find it actually quite funny if, when you went looking for James in the Ravenclaw common room – because he said he was coming to borrow some of Lucy’s dratted Wonderwitch Extra-oomph! Sparkle-shine stuff – and found Lucy spraying us madly with a shower, you would distract her? Maybe you’d find it quite funny if you didn’t point out that she’d accidentally enlarged the shower head - ” she could see it, floating out of the doorway, but anchored to the bath, “ - so that it filled the room with water? Maybe you’d then find it funny to lock us in, hey?”

Lysander’s eyes were wide, and he was clinging on tightly to the bed-post he was next to. Maybe it was Lorcan’s accusatory words. Maybe it was the women’s razor, the one that had started off this whole debacle, which she was holding aloft. Maybe it was just Lorcan’s murderous air, which had been triggered by the I’m-drowning-in-my-bathroom part of the morning.

All she had wanted was a nice bath, and to shave her legs. Was it so much to ask?

“Please don’t hurt me! It was just a joke, twinnie,” Lysander pleaded, trying out his puppy-dog eyes on her. It didn’t work, of course; Lorcan was immune to such trivialities, though Lucy evidently wasn’t, as she started wittering in Lorcan’s ear about why she should just forgive and forget the whole thing.

“Jokes sometimes hurt, Lysander,” she retorted, struggling to keep a straight face, “and this one went too far!”

Leaping on her twin with a war cry that was worthy of several terrified Zulu tribes, Lorcan brandished the razor and was bringing it down in the most violent way possible. She wasn’t actually intending to use it in any way on her brother. But then James leapt on her, and pulled her off, shouting something like, “Not my bro!”

Bro, Jamesie, really?” she spluttered, trying to get up from where she had been dropped, but being pushed down again by James. Lucy was squawking, Lorcan was trying to talk her down, and then in the middle of the chaos, the door was smashed open and a shockwave was sent over all of them.


Sasha Boot stomped to the middle of the room, the water level dropping as it escaped down the stairs out of the open door. Sasha’s chocolate-brown braids were swinging, and her voice was pitched at Screechy and Shrieky.

“It was because of the razor,” James put in weakly, looking to Lorcan who was trying to shift behind her soaked bed.


All Lorcan had wanted was a bath; now Sasha was going to kill her eardrums. Maybe next time James appeared in their bathroom, he wouldn’t decide to play with her dangerous weapons.

Only time would tell – if they lived through this particular shouting session.

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