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Chapter 19 : Chapter 19
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He stood there in the doorway, his hair messy and his glasses crooked as usual. He rubbed his eyes slowly to make sure what he was seeing in his doorway was not his imagination. He frowned at the red headed girl slightly but smiled slightly before letting out a very loud and tired yawn.
“Lily” James said quietly, not wanting to wake anyone else up, “It’s midnight, what’s going on?”
Her red hair was tied up in a very messy ponytail, and she looked extremely worried and tired, “I need to talk to you” she said almost nervously, he frowned but nodded all the same and gestured her into his bedroom.
It was quite a simple room really, but you could tell James Potter lived there, an ol broomstick was in one corner gathering dust but James did not have the heart to get rid of it, a broomstick was to be kept for life, whether you still used it or not. Over the walls there were quidditch photos stuck up, ones of his favourite teams and some of just random quidditch players. There were also a lot of pictures of himself with the other Marauders and other friends at school, especially a large one of himself with the Gryffindor quidditch team in fourth year.
Lily stepped inside, he noted her taking in her surroundings before she sat down on the edge of his bed. He moved towards his desk chair and sat on the edge of it, facing the girl in front of him who had her head in her hands and her eyes closed.
“Lily, what’s going on?” he asked wearily, he could tell something was not quite right. What it was, was very hard to guess right now.
Because the Lily Evans he knew wouldn’t come to him of all people at midnight just for a chat, but then again the Lily Evans he knew said she would never fall for him and he was pretty sure that had happened. Or maybe he had just hoped it had happened. No, not again James, he was past that now, he was or he wanted to be.
“I don’t know” she sighed shaking her head and looking up at him, “What is going on James? I don’t know anymore. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore I don’t know what’s going on. Why am I with Paul? Why was I bitch to you all those years? And why do I suddenly feel very different to you all of a sudden, the minute you’re finally happy without me. Why do I have to come along and make you feel just as confused as I am feeling” she paused and looked at him with watery eyes, “Don’t pretend you’re not just as confused as I am, you’ve spent all this years trying to make me feel like this and now I do and you don’t want to make me feel like that anymore”
He took a deep breath and tore his gaze away from her it physically and emotionally hurt to see her like this, but he couldn’t tell her how he was feeling because he honestly didn’t know himself. He wanted to be with her he really did, but it hurt, it hurt to like her because she had always been the girl he could never have and it was always going to be like that whether they were together or not.
Lily let out a quiet sob and James realised one thing, he could not leave the girl he cared about more than the world sat there on her own sobbing, drowning herself in her own confused thoughts and trying to figure out what he was thinking, when he should be telling her and not letting her work things out for herself.
He moved to sit next to her on the bed and he put his arm around her, she rested her head on his shoulder and he put his head on hers, “Lily” he murmured, “please don’t hate me” he felt her shake slightly as she buried her head into his shoulder and started to cry again.
“What do you want?” he snapped a little more harshly than he had hoped to go for.
Alex bit her lip at the bite in his voice and Sirius felt instantly guilty, it was he who had been cruel to her that night not the other way round and merlin he had only done it because every time he looked at her he felt a rush of regret about everything that had happened and another wave of craving to kiss the girl he used to be able to call his girlfriend.
“Sorry” she murmured, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, when you’ve calmed down a bit” she said coldly, turning away from him, but he grabbed her arm and turned her around to face him, “What?” she snapped back at him.
“I’m sorry” he said sincerely, “what did you want to talk about?” he asked trying to sound as calm and polite as possible.
She shrugged and closed the door behind her, leaning against it she looked at him, “I guess I wanted to apologise, I don’t like it when we fight Sirius. And you’re right, I’m all those things you said I am” another wave of guilt, “But I only argue with you because I’m so angry at the fact that everything we had got messed up so easily and we didn’t even try to sort it out. Merlin Sirius, I don’t know” she said sounding frustrated.
He moved towards her, “You’re none of those things I said” he muttered.
“Why say something you don’t mean?” she said coolly.
He sighed, “Good Godric Alex, I don’t know. I was angry too you know, not just you. You don’t think I feel the exact same way, it’s my fault for Merlin’s sake every time I look at you I feel guilty and regretful. But more importantly I feel sick about the fact that I let you go without a fight and I lost you to someone who is ten times better for you, someone who is completely grounded and mature and treats you better than I ever did and I completely hate that” he paused, “Because you’re so beyond perfect Alexandra McCord and I’m not going to end up with anyone better for me than you and I really fucked it up this time”
She shook her head, “You don’t get it do you? You’re the only one I ever, ever wanted to be with”
Without even thinking about it Sirius took her head in his hands and placed his lips firmly on hers. He felt her return the kiss, putting his hands around her waist he pulled her away from the door and further into the room, he kissed her deeply like they had never kissed before, he felt a warm tear fall down her cheek and onto his own causing him to soften the kiss and he hooked his arms around her waist and held her into him.
Lily wiped her eyes, she was so embarrassed, she had just sat there and bawled her eyes out in front of James Potter and admitted how she had felt which was even more embarrassing she had also told him how he felt about her which made her want to physically cringe. She looked up at him, he was staring at the wall looking extremely lost.
“I’m just going to go” she said awkwardly starting to stand up but James grabbed her hand and shook his head, he stood up and turned to face her his hazel eyes boring into her green eyes.
“Don’t” he whispered gruffly.
“I need to” she said quietly barely audible not even sure if she had actually said it or not.
“Lily please” he said, she noticed the pleading tone in his voice, “You can’t walk away now”
She shook her head, “James, please don’t make this harder” she said her voice wobbling slightly looking at the boy in front of her.
He shook his head and leant down placing his lips on hers, kissing her passionately but softly, the kiss was warm and soft and she kissed him back craving his gentle touch. Quickly she pulled away, realising what she was doing was wrong, it wouldn’t stop there. She knew James too well and she knew the state she was in wouldn’t help her much. He looked down at her with his beautiful hazel eyes, wondering what her next move would be.
“Screw it” she muttered hooking her arms around his neck and kissing the head boy back.
“Alex” she heard a voice hiss, she groaned.
It was about 3 o clock on Christmas morning, she moved to her bedside table for her wand at silently lit it up, she look up and almost jumped, sat on the end of her bed grinning at her, was her boyfriend Sirius Black, he smirked when she jumped and she kicked him, he moved up the bed and she sat up staring at him.
“What? It’s 3 o clock in the fucking morning Sirius” She hissed at him.
“Happy Christmas” He grinned and pulled her in for a kiss, she grinned and kissed him back, smiling in between kisses.
“Is that all you came to say seriously? Sirius if the others wake up they’ll murder you, Lily’s a prefect and she doesn’t take that term lightly” Alex joked.
“I know she doesn’t how many times have me and James got detention thanks to her” He said rolling his eyes, “anyway, I came to give you your present, i know we said we wouldn't do presents, but you're special, you deserve it” he grinned at her, she smiled, she didn’t blush she never felt embarrassed around Sirius.
He reached in his robes and pulled out a small blue box, she eyed it curiously and opened it, inside wrapped in tissue paper was a golden necklace on chain, it was a small heart but in the light she could just about see it changed from Alexandra McCord, to, I love you.
It was beautiful, she gasped, her and Sirius had never said I love you before, she knew she did love him but she was embarrassed to say it to him. She looked up at him, he was genuinely smiling at her, she giggled, and he looked her in the eyes and kissed her.
“I love you Alexandra McCord” He grinned, she squealed and threw her arms around his neck, kissing him on the neck.
“I love you so much Sirius Black” she squealed.
He grinned at her and kissed her before, walking out of the room and returning to his dorm, she put the necklace on her side table and fell asleep with a huge smile on her face.
The sun light of a Christmas morning woke Lily Evans up, she looked around the room and realized it wasn’t her own, she looked next to her and there was the sleeping body of James Potter. She bit her lip nervously and rubbed her head, god she felt sick. She pulled herself out of bed and quickly pulled her pyjama’s back on, she heard a groan from the bed as she pulled on her top, she glanced at it and James was starting to sit up, she looked at the clock in his room, it was only 8 o clock.
“Hi” she murmured, sitting down on his desk chair as he pulled himself into a sitting position.
“Morning” he said quietly.
She could tell something was instantly wrong about the way he was acting, he wouldn’t look her in the eye. She could tell because she was doing the exact same thing. She felt her stomach drop slightly and her heart ached as she realised.
“You didn’t want that to happen did you? You don’t really want us to happen do you?” she said reading his mind, James finally turned to face her.
“I’m sorry” he muttered.
She stood up a little quicker than she would’ve liked too, “Don’t be” she hissed, “I should’ve seen it coming”
“Lily last night, you were in such a state. You didn’t know where your head was, let alone your feelings. I felt the same, we both knew what we had done” he said standing up, “we both knew we shouldn’t have done it, we’re both with people. Like you said yesterday I don’t want to make you like me anymore, because you’re right for once I am happy and me and you, if we were together it would be hard so messed up, we can’t go two seconds without arguing, do you know how much we would have to do just to go two seconds without snapping each other, we can’t be together. But I’m sorry” he said sadly.
“So that’s it is it? You’re just going to go back to her because it’s easy?” she said disbelievingly.
He shook his head, “She doesn’t make me chase her like you do, I’m moving on with my life and for once I’m extremely close to being happy”
“Fine James, move on with your life. That’s fine with me, put all this behind you, forget about everything that happened last night, and forget about how you really feel. Because you know what you said, close to being happy, but you won’t ever be not whilst you’re still fighting your feelings” she paused, “And just move on, and forget that you did the one thing you promised you’d never do” she said quietly, picking up her slippers.
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” he said she could tell his temper was rising due to the heated tone he was now speaking in.
“Hurt me” she whispered as she exited the room, when she had finally closed the door behind her that’s when the tears really came, not because he didn’t want to be with her not because she had slept with him but because she had finally lost something that could’ve made her extremely happy. She did not know the boy on the other side of the door felt the exact same way.
“We’re bad people” Alex murmured sitting up, Sirius sighed and lay back down.
“I was already a bad person, I’ve just converted you to the wicked ways” he grinned, Alex rolled her eyes but she did not laugh. She felt too sick with guilt to laugh at his ‘funny’ joke.
She took a deep breath, “I’ve changed so much. All I do is hurt people, don’t you care Sirius? We’ve just hurt people, Daniel, Alisha”
“They’ll get over it” he said, again sounded harsher than he probably would’ve liked too.
She turned to gape at him, “But, are you serious? Pardon the pun, is that all you can say? You just cheated on her” Alex said shocked, and then realization dawned on her, “Is that what you said to Jasmine after you cheated on me?” she asked hurt. He looked instantly guilty.
“Why do you always have to bring that up, I apologised” he muttered.
“Right before you slept with me” she said coldly, “That doesn’t look so good on your part” she added, he shook his head, “It was just Jasmine right?” she asked carefully, he looked away, “Sirius” she added.
“Just the once” He muttered, looking down at his pillow, she gasped, she had known Sirius for most of her life, she knew when he was lying, he looked up at her ashamed.
“Don’t treat me like a fool” she whispered, “don’t lie to me, and tell me the truth Sirius”.
“Twice” he barely whispered, she felt her eyes fill with tears, she had never felt so hurt and betrayed, “once at the start of our relationship and then once again at the end”.
She thought she was going to be sick, she pulled herself out of the bed, he tried to grab her hand but she shook him off. She couldn’t even look at him right now. How could somebody be so cruel? So careless about other people’s feelings?
“Who with?” she asked dangerously, staring at the door, her back to him, she heard him mutter his answer but she heard it loud and clear, “ALISHA” she screamed turning around at him he was now stood up just a few metres behind her, she grabbed a pillow from the bed and threw it at him, hitting him with it she felt the tears pour down her cheeks, she stopped and stared at him, “Jasmine and Alisha” she said venomously, “the two people I hate the most” she snarled, “How could you?” she yelled at him, she paused, “If you think I’m coming anywhere near you ever again you need to think again. I hate you Sirius Black” she snarled.
“Alex please, please don’t” he practically begged.
“How do I know you won’t it again if we got back together” she shouted at him, “No, this it” she muttered, turning her back on him she left him stood there by himself cursing the world.
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