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Chapter 18 : 18. The Good, The Bad & Susie Q
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He looked so peaceful. It was kind of odd - and creepy! - to stare at someone sleeping, especially if that someone had only hours ago tried to off himself. I leaned closer, and found myself awed and jealous; Theo's eyelashes were gorgeous.
As soon as I realized my own thoughts, I leaned away, grimacing; this baby was making my thoughts awfully yuckie!
They said Theo hadn't lost much blood. I had found him right on time, they said. The memory of Theo in the bathtub filled with blood filled my mind, anyway.
I blinked, as I watched Theo slowly stir, before finally opening his dark eyes fully.
"Hi there," I said, crossing my arms. "You look like shit."
Theo stared at me, a wry smile slowly growing on his face. "That's not exactly the first thing a guy who tried to off himself wants to hear, you know..."
I silently handed him the cup of water, waiting until he had emptied the cup entirely. "Oh really?" I said, putting the cup away. "Well, then the next thing I'm about to say will probably be right up there, too... Theo - I want a divorce."
A tired smile appeared on his face, as he turned to stare at the ceiling. "Can't really imagine why."
"Why did you do that?" I asked him quietly.
"I don't know," he said, shrugging.
"You just thought it seemed like a good idea at the time, huh?" I demanded, feeling tears sting my eyes. "Do you have any idea what you've done!?"
Theo watched me with his eyes wide, and reached for my hand. I pulled away, shaking my head. "You don't get my pity, Theo," I said, sniffling. "Just because you think your life sucks, or that you'll never be happy, or that wou're afraid of people judging you - any of those excuses won't be good enough to do what you did, okay? What about us? What about Em? Huh!? Do you think we would just go on with our lives as before?"
"You're an idiot," I whispered, getting up. "I need to pee," I muttered, stomping out. I met Em as I left the room; she stood frozen, holding a cup of steaming coffee, fresh tears streaming down her face. I embraced her briefly, letting her cry against my shoulder for a moment. When she had pulled herself together, I gestured for her to go in. I waited until the door had closed behind her, before bursting into tears.
As much as I tried to brush them away, they wouldn't stop. I was aware of people giving me worried looks as they walked by me; a pregnant woman crying on the floor was probably not the most comforting sight.
The fact that I let out a ridiculous wail everytime someone tried to talk to me, ask me what was wrong, just scared everyone even more.
At last, when I had no more tears left, I pulled myself up from the floor, and slowly walked down the corridor. It wasn't until I passed a familiar person, that made me freeze.
I swivelled around, and found myself face to face with Felicia.
"Miss Quency!" she said, quickly glancing at my bump. A small grin appeared on her face, and I felt suddenly the need to run away and hide from her. "You look positively bloated!"
'Positively bloated'? Who the fuck did she think she was, Pregnancy Police - ready to insult you 24/7!?
"Thanks," I said shortly, giving her the same look. "You look positively dumped."
That made her lose all colour from her face.
"I heard it was a nasty break-up," I went on, ruthless as ever. "Did he find out what a complete cow you are?"
"How dare you--"
"Because I no longer work here, that's how I dare," I cut her off, narrowing my eyes. "And I have something you'll never get; my youth."
One thing I had learned from those blasted Perfect Birth classes; every woman wanted children at some point. One of the other women there, Theresa Martinez, was in her later days and pregnant. She said that getting pregnant after 35 was next to impossible. Possible, but difficult - and she was already closing on 38! By some miracle, she had got pregnant, and said it was her one and only chance.
So I knew Felicia would forever be an old hag with no children - and I quite liked the idea of getting ahead of her in so many things.
"I hope you live a long, lonely life," I siad with a smile. "Because you sure as hell will spend it like that for a long, long time."
With that, I wlaked away.
Burn in hell, bitch.
Theo, fortunately, got out of the hospital quickly - they only kept him there for a few days. Our relationship, however, was tense. I didn't greet him, and he seemed to be ashamed around me. Instead, Em seeemed to work as the communicater between us.
"Em," I said, as I flipped to another page in my magazine. "Could you pass the milk?"
Em looked up form her work, and frowned. "Theo is closer," she muttered.
"But I'm asking you," I said, staring her down.
"Childish," Theo grunted, handing me the milk.
"I asked Em," I replied shortly, ignoring him.
"You don't get to be mad at me, Susie!" Theo called out, shakinmg his head. "You're supposed to be supportive, and--"
"I'm sorry, what?" I said, looking up. "You want me to coddle you, is that it? You want me to pity you, to feel sorry for you? Is that it? I'm sorry, but I can't do that. I can't feel sorry for someone who wants to give up, I can't support that kind of thinking. I just can't."
"Susie!" Em scolded, looking mortified.
"And you should stop walking on eggshells, Em," I said, standing up. "Ever since he tried to kill himself, and you found out that he's gay," I started, as Em winced. "You've been watching your every word, your every move - everything! Do you want to tip-toe around for the rest of your life in fear of him doing it again once things get rough, huh? If yes, then go right the fuck ahead!"
I stomped out, grabbing my coat and Goose on my way out.
"Where are you going, Susie!?" Em called.
"TO OFF MYSELF!" I screamed, slamming the door after me.
Except that I had nowhere to go. I knew my behaviour was childish, I kind of saw Theo's point - but I thought he was being a pompous idiot.
Aimlessly, I found myself going up to the roof. The air there was chilly, even if it was July. I sat down on the cool roof, and Goose pressed himself next to me, the warmth of his body warming me up. Ten minutes has passed, when I suddenly heard footsteps behind me.
"You're right," I heard Theo say, as he sat down next to me. He scratched Goose's head, and Goose moved next to him instead. "I'm a coward."
"I didn't say that!" I said, crossing my arms - which turned out to be surprisingly difficult.
"I know," he sighed. "But I'm still a coward."
"Well, yes," I admitted after a moment.
"I don't know how you're so strong," he said quietly, as we watched the city before us. "I don't... you're so fragile, really, but you still manage to stay strong, no matter what bullshit life throws at you. You battle every obstacle so easily..."
"It's not... easy," I said with a shrug. "I... manage."
"Yet, you don't even think about jumping off the roof," Theo said.
"Or slicing my wrists in a bathtub," I couldn't help but say. "Sorry," I muttered, glancing at him - but Theo was smiling.
"Touché," he said. "How do you do it?"
"I've thought about it, actually," I said, unfolding my arms slowly. "Not a lot, of course, but from time to time... I've thought about it," I said meeting his eyes. "Sometimes, it felt like the easiest way out. Lots of people would have it easier that way, you know... but then... then I realized something."
"What? What did you realize?" Theo wanted to know.
I turned to look at the city again, and I smiled. "I realized," I said slowly, nodding. "That living is so much cooler. You get hurt, you get bruised - you want to give up. But when you think about that," I said, shrugging. "You just kind of realize that if you give up - and leave this world behind - you might never get to see the ones you really love."
A comfortable silence stretched between us, as we just sat there, enjoying the evening.
"You just need to find someone to live for," I whispered.
"And you've found someone," Theo finished.
I smiled at him. "Yeah," I said, patting my bump. "This right here."
"And Sirius," he said, looking right into my eyes. "Right?"
"Right," I said after a moment.
"Do you think you'll meet him again?"
"Maybe," I said, shrugging again. "I mean, I wish I could meet him again... someday. If I were to meet him a few years from now, I wish we could btoh be happy - I really wish that..."
"Even if that person found happiness with someone else?" Theo murmured, as he looked away.
"Theo," I sighed deeply. "I think that's what they call 'love', my friend."
And I must say that it was one of my best lines, ladies and gentlemen.
A/N: I'm quite happy with this one. I've decided to post up to 20 chapters before I take a small break - which includes going to a "rock concert" in another country xD - so I really hope these chapters will satisfy you all :)
- Lily xxx
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