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Hermione and the Hooligans by Cassius Alcinder
Chapter 2 : The Middle of the Story
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 9

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Hermione pranced and skipped her way back into Hogwarts castle, secretly wanting to do her slow motion sexy walk again, but reluctantly moving faster to help move the story along.  As she walked through the courtyard, she was greeted by the strange ginger boy who may actually be her true love, but will obviously not be presented as such here due to the type of story this is.  Yes my friends, the boy is Ron Weasley, and this is a Dramione

“Hermione, where the bloody hell have you been?” asked Ron

“What are you doing here Ron?” I’m supposed to be experiencing true love with Draco, not a ginger,” she responded in a slightly annoyed tone.

Ron objected, “Hermione, for such a book worm you clearly didn’t even read the books! You’re not supposed to go back to Hogwarts for seventh year! You, me, and Harry spend the year looking for horcruxes so we can defeat Voldemort, don’t you remember?”

“Ron, it seems that no matter how many times I’ve asked you to, you still have yet to read Hogwarts: A History,” she huffed.

“As a matter of fact, I did.” He retorted. 

“Well you clearly skipped over the chapter about fan fiction shipping.”

Ron scratched his head, “What the bloody hell is that?”

Hermione explained, “You see, Ron, our fans like to do what’s called shipping, they decide who to pair us off with and write their own stories about it.  Sometimes these ships follow canon like Harry/Ginny or James/Lily, but this story does not because it is a Dramione.”

Ron looked disgusted, “Dramione? You mean they combine your names like you’re American celebrities or something?”

“Yes, Ron, that’s exactly what they do.”

Ron paused to think for a moment before asking what he felt was a pertinent question, “Well what if McGonagall got with Flitwick, what would they call that? Or what about Hagrid and Trelawney? No clever nicknames there, maybe that’s why nobody writes those ships, eh?”

Hermione rolled her eyes, “Ron don’t be an idiot, but anyway, since the Dramione pairing would obviously never happen if we both stayed in character, this story requires us to forget about canon.  So we don’t have to worry about Voldemort or horcruxes or any of that nonsense since this is merely a fluffy and slightly angsty romantic story.  Therefore we are just going to have a good time at Hogwarts, Harry will simply pine after Ginny or maybe even me if he’s feeling ambitious, I will spend all my time with Draco, and you’ll be off snogging Lavender or something.”

“That doesn’t make sense!” Ron protested.

“Ron, I don’t like this anymore than you do, but rules are rules, and we must finish this Dramione to satisfy the audience,” Hermione insisted.

“But I still don’t get why?” Ron objected one more time.

“That’s because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon,” Hermione huffed as she turned and walked away. 

Hermione continued walking very fast until she finally returned to the honeymoon suite where she was relieved to have the chance to relax and stare into Draco’s orbs once more. 

“Hermione, my love, I missed you so much!” he exclaimed as he turned to show off his quidditch toned abs once more. 

“Oh Draco, I can’t believe we were apart for a whole day!” she exclaimed as she dramatically leaped into hi s arms in slow motion. 

Over the next several hours, they recited Shakespearean love sonnets to each other, did some ballroom dancing, baked cookies together, picked wildflowers, rode unicorns through a waterfall, and opened a charity for orphans and house elves.  It is far too cumbersome and time consuming to describe these scenes in detail, as they would actually work much better as a montage set to cheesy romantic music.  The one thing they did not do in this time was go to class, because obviously no one ever goes to class at Hogwarts, least of all Hermione Granger.

As they rolled around frolicking in a sun filled meadow, Hermione’s mood suddenly turned to angst when she realized just how much time had passed, and that she had missed the Fulham vs. West Ham match that she had promised to attend.  After freaking out and acting all angsty for a few minutes, she thought of a solution as she pulled out a small hourglass from her bag.

“What is that, my love?” Draco asked.

“It’s a time turner,” Hermione explained, “You can use them to travel backwards in time.  Theoretically they could have been used to save Cedric, Sirius, or Dumbledore, or maybe to go back in time and kill Voldemort before he made horcruxes.  However, in reality, I only used it to take extra classes back in third year.  In the fan fiction world, they are used to create cross-generational pairings, usually between myself and one of the marauders, but never Peter of course.”

“And what are you using it for now?”

“You wouldn’t understand, Draco!” she said in the most dramatic way possible, before turning the hourglass several times and disappearing.  After several turns and apparitions, Hermione found herself at West Ham’s home stadium of Upton Park just before kickoff.  She took a seat in the away fan’s section next to Bart and the rest of the Fulham firm, who nodded to her in approval.    

The game was a closely fought defensive affair, which remained in a 0-0 tie until the waning minutes, when Hermione aimed some well timed confounding charms at the West Ham defenders, allowing Fulham to score a late goal for the 1-0 win.  After wildly cheering, Hermione followed Bart and his friends to exit the stadium and roam the grounds outside.  For members of a firm, the football game itself was merely a prelude to the fighting that would inevitably follow. 

Hermione and Bart turned down a side street only to find that the way was blocked by a gathering of angry men that seemed to be two or three times as large as their own group.  They began to chant and sing, daring their outnumbered foes to fight.

“That’s West Ham’s firm, the famous Green Street Elite, and as you can see, they’re a pretty mean bunch,” Bart explained.

Hermione scanned the opposing crowd to assess their strength.  After pausing for a moment because she could have sworn she recognized Frodo Baggins near the front of the group she turned to Bart and said with a cool determination, “Let’s stand our ground and fight!”

She realized that although it was more likely that Hermione wouldn’t approve of violence and would try to find a logical solution, she had already blown off her school work and fallen in love with Draco, so it was pretty much time to throw canon to the wind anyway. 

The two groups charged at each other, colliding with a great force as they began an epic rumble.  Hermione took a deep breath and then charged into the fray with her wand drawn.

“Stupefy!” she cried, as she stunned a hapless foe. “Stupefy! Expelliarmus! Petrificus Totalus!” she continued to cast, continuing to stun West Ham hooligans who had no idea what hit them.   As more and more of their comrades fell to Hermione’s spells, the rest of the West Ham firm frantically ran for cover.  The Fulham supporters cheered, lifting Hermione up on their shoulders and loudly singing “There’s only one Hermione Granger!”

The next day, Hermione and Draco were enjoying a romantic gondola ride along the Hogwarts lake (seriously, do they ever go to class?)when Draco had a moment of angst that interrupted the tranquility. 

“Hermione, it says in these contracts we had to sign that every Dramione must have a really angsty argument scene, so this is the perfect opportunity.  Where have you been sneaking off to all these times?”

“It’s none of your business, but if you must now, I joined a football firm,” Hermione huffed.

“And you thought I’d be ok with that? Cavorting with Muggle hooligans?” he bellowed.

“You never understand, and not even your orbs can get you out of this one!” Hermione yelled back, flipping the gondola over to dump Draco in the water as she disapparated. 

She then reappeared in a West London pub, sitting at a table with Bart and the rest of the gang.

“You’re just in time, they’re about to announce the draw for the next round of the FA Cup,” Bart informed her. 

There was an excited buzz around the room that suddenly came to a halt with the announcement that Fulham was going to be hosting London rivals Millwall.

“Is that bad?” Hermione inquired.

Bart explained, “Well you see, Millwall’s team isn’t very good, but their firm is the most feared and notorious one in London.  Their leader is Tommy Hatcher, and he’s a killing machine.  When he does pushups, he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the earth down.  He has a bear rug on his floor, but the bear isn’t dead, it’s just too afraid of him to move.  I’ve even heard that Voldemort’s boggart is Tommy Hatcher.”

Hermione took a very long sip of beer as she processed the new information.  Between the upcoming battle, and her recent argument with Draco, this was going to be a day full of angst. 




A/N: The line "That's because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon." is from the film Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which is based on the novel by J.K. Rowling.

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