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Typical Clueless Guy by PygmyPuffLover
Chapter 20 : Scarring PDA's
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 21

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disclaimer: none of this belongs to me. boo.


"For Merlin's sake, I wish you would tell him already!" Roxanne was saying impatiently as we walked down to breakfast together.

Molly and Lucy hadn't been able to face up to getting their lazy arses out of bed at half past six on a Monday morning, but I hadn't been able to sleep, so I decided to wake up Roxanne and force her to go down to breakfast with me.

I would have gone with Lily, but it was the noise of her leaving the dormitory at six o'clock that woke me up in the first place.

Noisy little bitch. I wish she'd just learn to walk quietly.

"I don't want to tell him. He'll just reject me, and then we'll be embarrassed when we see each other and that will be it for our friendship." I said for what felt like the thousandth time that morning alone.

"He's not going to reject you! For Merlin's sake, I don't know why you're being so difficult about this!" She cried, running her hands through her hair, which was already sticking up in about twelve different directions from being slept on funny.

"I would rather be friends that nothing at all." I repeated stubbornly.

"Oh fucking hell, you went on a date with the bloke yesterday, and you bloody snogged three times, and you still think that he would reject you if you asked him out!" She said, looking frustrated.

Hey sweetie, I don't know why you're getting frustrated, I'm the one that has to live this failure of a life.

"Look, if a lad like Hugo goes on a date with a girl who will willingly snog him, then he's hardly going to refuse, is he?" I retorted. Ha, try and find a comeback to that one.

"Urg." Roxanne sighed.

Good one.

I grinned when I realised that I had won the argument and headed into the Great Hall, glancing around to see where Lily was sitting.

Unfortunately, I spotted her about halfway down the Gryffindor table, practically eating someone's face off whilst Dominique sat opposite them with her fingers in her ears and her eyes jammed shut so tightly I would be surprised if she could ever get them open again.

She was holding her fork and trying to stab her breakfast with it, but kept missing and getting it stuck in the table instead. It was rather amusing to watch.

Roxanne giggled and threw herself down into the seat next to Dom, making a careful effort to keep her eyes on her dinner.

She only looked up when a large amount of swearing in a very loud voice filled the Great Hall. I swivelled around to see Albus Potter storming up the Gryffindor table, his wand already in his hand and his face the colour of a tomato.

What's the matter with him?

Oh yeah, his baby sister is snogging the face off his cousin's best friend during breakfast in a public place. If that doesn't put a few grey hairs on his head then I don't know what will.

I decided to once again become Captain Bloody Amazing Friend, and leapt up out of my seat.

I ran up to Al and flew into his arms, giving him the tightest hug I had ever given anyone. My hair flew into his face again and he anxiously spat it out of his mouth, looking mildly revolted.

I grabbed a stack of toast off the table next to me and leapt out of his arms, shoving the toast into his hands.

He stared at it for a moment and then looked at me for an explanation.

Bloody hell, this lad is dim.

"Go and eat your breakfast somewhere else, but leave Lily alone." I said sternly, raising my eyebrows to show I was serious.

He scowled and glared at me for a moment, then kissed me on the cheek and walked out of the hall, muttering curses under his breath.

Tut tut, language.

I sat back down on the bench, and watched Roxanne roll her eyes at me and continue to eat her breakfast, still grinning.

"What he FUCKING HELL do you two think you're playing at? Get your FUCKING hands off my FUCKING cousin you FUCKING arsehole."

Ah, the dulcet tones of none other than Hugo Weasley. Such a calm and collected young man.


Roxanne leapt off the bench and flew into Hugo's arm, much like I had done with Albus only moments before.

"Sit down, sit down!" She cried cheerily, pulling him onto the bench next to me and then sitting down in her old spot.

Gee, real subtle Rox. It's not obvious what you're trying to do at all.

I grinned at him and he grinned back, his eyes looking like the ocean as they shimmered with warmth. I love him so much.

"Hey Hugo!" Lily said breathlessly, dragging her face away from Lysie and looking surprised to see so many people sitting with her. Lysie looked flushed and seemed to be staring anywhere other than his best friend.

"Hello." He said, raising his eyebrow at her. She blushed and grinned.

"Um, Vanessa..." He started awkwardly, looking uncomfortable. "Please don't go mad if there's not, but I just have to there something going on between you and Albus?"

Wait, what did he just say? Did he just ask me if there is something going on between Al and I?

*Insert hysterical laugher and choking here.*

At that moment Albus walked back down the table and sat down opposite us, looking profoundly relieved that Lysie and Lily had finally broke apart.

I snorted and tapped him on the arm, not able to keep the laughter out of my voice.

"Hugo just asked me if there is something going on between us two." I said, and Albus instantly tipped his head back and roared with laughter.

Hugo looked relieved, and I turned to look at him.

"No way. He's like my brother." I said, smiling, but slightly confused as to why he was looking so relieved.

And then the very worst thing that could have possibly happened in that situation happened.

Do you remember Albus' friend Jason, the one that always seemed to be there when I was in Al's dorm? Well, he walked over and leant down to mutter something to Albus, in which I vaguely heard the word 'Quidditch'.

No, you dumbshit, that was not the bad part. Merlin.

When he was done, he said goodbye to the group at large and then noticed me. He smiled widely and waved.

"Hey, Albus' girlfriend!" He said cheerily, and Hugo's mouth fell open. As did everybody else's sitting there. And the icing on the cake was that the rest of the family had already migrated over without me noticing.

"I'm not Albus' girlfriend." I said quickly, and Al nodded like a retarded nodding dog.

"Yeah, I know, your 'just friends'." His tone was sarcastic and he rolled his eyes jokingly. I went to speak, and so did Al, but Hugo cut across us, looking like someone had just slapped him.

"Why do you think she's his girlfriend?" He asked.

Jason looked surprised for a moment, and then a little uncomfortable. "Well, because I woke up once and she was in his bed, but that wasn't too suspicious because he was sleeping on the floor not the bed, but a couple of weeks later I came in and they were lying on the floor together under a blanket. And Al told me that I wasn't allowed to ask her out or he would kill me." He tacked on the end.

I blushed furiously. I can see how all of those things may be a little misleading, but seriously, Albus and I?


"I told you that you couldn't ask her out because she's like a sister and I'm protective of her." Albus said in an annoyed voice, glancing edgily at Hugo's murderous face every couple of seconds.

"Then why were you on the floor together under a blanket?" He asked, confused.


"She was cold." Albus winced, because we could both hear how flimsy it sounded, even if it was the truth.

There was a screeching noise as the fork in Hugo's hand snapped in half.


"So you are dating Albus." Hugo said, and we both shook our heads rapidly. Jason looked uncomfortable, and with a quick wave shot away from the table and out of the doors to the Great Hall.

Yeah, you better run.

"Well, I thought you might have been before I even heard what that bloke said." Hugo said icily. "And I'm not being funny, but the two of you are always hugging and kissing each other on the cheek, and all that..." He trailed off, looking furious and a little sad.

"I kiss you on the cheek too." I pointed out feebly. Hugo rolled his eyes scathingly and I winced.

"Great. So you are dating my cousin." He muttered, folding his arms.

Oh for fucks sake, why is he acting like a sulky child? I felt myself getting annoyed at how juvenile he was acting, all moody and resentful.

"Oh. My. God. I am not dating Albus, I never have dated Albus and I never will date Albus. He's like a brother to me, and it is just scarring to think of him as anything more than a friend." I snapped.

Hugo raised an eyebrow but still looked disbelieving.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

"Look, if I was dating your cousin would I feel comfortable doing this?" I leaned upwards and pressed my lips against his, ignoring the claps and squeals from his family.

I went to pull away after a couple of seconds, since it was only supposed to make a point, but Hugo knotted his fingers in my hair and pulled my face back up to his.

Well, I'm not going to complain.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and opened my mouth slightly so he could slide his tongue inside.

After a minute or so of proper top notch snogging Hugo smiled against my mouth and chuckled quietly, which I joined in. He pulled his face backwards a couple of inches to look into my eyes, and then pressed his lips to mine gently three times, before he released my face.

I sat back down in my seat, slightly dazed.

His family were all staring at us with gobsmacked expressions.

"Told you I wasn't dating Albus." I felt obliged to point out. Hugo rolled his eyes and grinned.

"Okay, I believe you." He grinned. "But now I think you're dating Louis, so you'll have to prove that to me as well."

I laughed and he pouted dramatically.

"Oh Merlin, you are dating Louis aren't you? I knew it! I KNEW IT!" He cried dramatically, throwing his hands in the air and waving them about for effect.

We all roared with laughter, and Hugo laid his head down on the desk and made sobbing noises. This only made me laugh harder.

"Well, I can't have you thinking I'm dating Louis." I said, shrugging and grinning widely.

Hugo nodded and pretended to wipe imaginary tears from under his eyes. I snorted – in a sexy way I hope – and leaned forwards to kiss him again.

He kissed me differently this time, more tenderly, his hand on the back of my head but not gripping my hair, merely resting there. His tongue stayed in his own mouth, and his lips were pressing hard against mine, sending electrical currents up and down my spine.

I placed one of my hands on either side of his face and he brought the hand that was not on the back of my head to the side of my face, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb.

We ignored the throat clearing, wolf whistling and laughing of his family and continued to kiss for the next ten minutes until the bell rang.

I broke away from him and blushed as he smirked.

"So you're single?" He asked, and his family burst out laughing.

"Let's just go to class." I grinned. He grinned back and scooped me up into his arms like some kind of giant baby and began to skip out of the Great Hall, singing at the top of his voice.


Roxanne Weasley

As the bell rang he pulled his face off hers and stared into her eyes with a look that clearly screamed 'I love you, you daft cow'. She just grinned, being to bloody clueless to notice.

Mind you, he's only ever so slightly better. He hasn't figured out that she likes him back yet, so you can't really moan about her being clueless.

I love them both, but sometimes you just want to clout them around the earlug for being so frustratingly dim.

It's actually ridiculous. They spend most of their time snogging each other, they're both in love with the other but neither will admit it to the other. It makes you want to whack yourself over the head with a frying pan just to get the tension out.

"So you're single?" He asked jokingly, grinning down at her and not moving his hand from her cheek. She moved her hands down so they were resting on his shoulders instead of his face.

I started laughing along with the rest of my family, but almost everyone was rolling their eyes and throwing each other looks that clearly said 'bloody hell, I wish they'd realise already'.

Vanessa went to start walking out of the Hall, but Hugo snorted and scooped her up into his arms, spinning her around and then skipped away, singing.

"THE SEVEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOUUUUUUUU! OH THE SEVEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOUUUUUU...YOU MAKE ME LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU" He sung – badly – as he skipped along, Vanessa roaring with laughter and staring at him with adoring eyes.


They might as well be wearing 'I LOVE YOU' T-shirts.

It is rather cute.

He continued to warble, right up until they reached the doors, which Hugo pulled open and skipped through.

You would not believe how much Hugo has changed. It's actually unnerving at times. Before he first spoke to Vanessa he was a bit of an arsehole, and I loved him because he was my cousin but I still found him to be a bit of a whore and quite rude. Then one day he speaks to her and it's like BOOM. He's a different person. And the best part is he's happier now. He doesn't care what people think anymore. Last year you would not be able to pay Hugo enough to skip across the Great Hall singing, but now he does it happily just to make Vanessa laugh.

They're so perfect for each other it's almost ridiculous.

I grabbed my bag and followed Lily and Lysander out of the Hall, standing close enough behind them to be able to hear their conversation.

Lysander seemed quite red in the face, so I took it he was embarrassed about something.

"So, um, Lily, I have something that I want to ask you." He muttered, and she looked up at him, smiling. Those two really are cute together.

"Yeah?" She asked, and I could hear the hope in her voice, so I knew that he could. Not all of us are so clueless we don't even know what day it is most of the time.

"Well, it's okay if you don't, but would you like to be my girlfriend? You know, officially?" Lysander said, looking at her face.

Lily beamed at him and nodded so fast her whole face became a blur of red. She stopped nodding eventually – thank Merlin – and stared into his eyes.

"I'd love to." She whispered, and he leaned down to peck her on the lips.

Seriously, a peck on the lips? She's just agreed to become your girlfriend and you give her a peck on the lips? I wouldn't mind, Lysander was snogging her before, when we were trying to eat breakfast, but now he only gives her a peck on the lips! It's making my head hurt just thinking about it.

Vanessa and Hugo aren't even dating and they spent the entire of the morning practically eating each other.

It was incredibly disturbing. I suppose I can kiss goodbye to my youthful innocence.

Who snogs like that in front of their family anyway? It was horrific to watch.

She kissed him to prove that she wasn't in love with Albus, and then he slams her face against his – which looked like it must have hurt – and pretty soon they're snogging so intensely none of us could even talk to try and cover it up. Their tongues were everywhere, and their hands...


And then they start kissing again, but that one was different. It wasn't a snog; it was a super long kiss.

And Hugo will still think that Vanessa only did it because she wanted to prove that she was single, and not because she actually wanted to, whilst Vanessa will believe that she initiated both kisses and held Hugo powerless to shove her away.

I'm going to have to kill them both eventually out of frustration.

At least Lily and Lysander are finally dating. I'm just worried about what Albus will do when he finds out that his sister is officially someone's girlfriend.

Mind you, Vanessa has some freaky kind of power over him, so it should be alright.

Vanessa McIver

"Put me down, you psychopath." I laughed, and Hugo laid me gently on my feet. I wobbled for a moment and then managed to stand up straight.

I am so cool and coordinated.

"Thanks for the ride." I blushed, and he grinned. He leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips, just once, like he had done yesterday after our date. Then he leaned back and just stared into my eyes as though he was trying to read my mind.

Our little moment in a shining bubble was interrupted by a loud scream, which came from the mouth of Lily Potter as she sprinted towards me, looking more excited than I had seen her in...ever.

"Vanessa, GUESS WHAT?" She shrieked as she ran, her hair whipping around her face and making her look like a crazy woman.

When she reached us she elbowed Hugo out of the way – charming – and dragged me by the ends of my hair into a corner.

"Guess what, guess what, guess what!" She chanted to me, and I had to work very hard not to roll my eyes.

This is all far too much effort.

"I'm going to go and Lysie just shagged in a broom closet?" I guessed wildly.

Lily scowled at me and shook her head.

"The Great Hall?"

Another shake.

"Oh, did you shag in the –" But Lily interrupted me, rolling her eyes and stomping her foot slightly. Anger issues...

"Vanessa, WE HAVE NOT SHAGGED!" She yelled.

The class turned to look at her and she flushed the colour of a tomato, but carried on looking at me.

"I should fucking well hope not!" Hugo called from the other end of the corridor. I burst into laughter, which I quickly smothered when I saw the look on Lily's face.

"What?" I asked tiredly.

"Lysander just asked me to be his official girlfriend!" She squealed, and I clapped my hands over my mouth.

Lily and Lysie are officially going out. Wow.

And Hugo doesn't even like me back. Merlin, it sucks to be me.

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