It was never easy being Hermione Granger. After an academic career filled with knowing absolutely everything, being the brains behind the Golden Trio, and being shipped with everybody from Viktor Krum to Cormac McLaggen, she was now ready to assume her newest challenge, taking on the role of Head Girl.
Hermione confidently swaggered through the halls on her nightly patrol, allowing her brown hair, which had somehow turned from bushy and tangled to silky and luscious over the summer to billow behind her in the magical breeze that was somehow happening indoors. After a recent growth spurt, she was also pleased to discover that she now happened to have curves in all the right places, which she gladly showed off in her tight fitting school robes. The students who had once made fun of her now stared at her in awe as she walked past them, paying them no heed. By some unexplained magic, the bookish and studious Hermione had transformed into Super Sexy Power Ranger Granger.
The new-look Hermione was certain to attract attention from boys, and Cedric Diggory, the boy who creepily followed her in the shadows, was no exception. After being killed by Voldemort in his sixth year at Hogwarts, Cedric was reborn as a vampire, and remained the same age as he repeated his sixth year over and over again.
As Hermione turned to walk down an empty corridor, Cedric suddenly sprung out and moved uncomfortably close to her. (Is he Cedric or Edward right now? There’s really two schools of thought on this, so let’s just call him Cedward.)
“Hermione Granger, I love you, but I also want to kill you.”
Hermione turned away unfazed, and continued to walk. “That is highly illogical and kind of creepy.”
Cedward persisted, leaning close to her while resting his arm against the wall and trapping her. “I want to drink you up; you’re my own personal brand of butterbeer.”
Hermione pushed him out of the way and continued walking, “That doesn’t even make sense, and you should be aware that butterbeer has a high content of processed sugars that are very bad for your teeth.”
She then turned around and pronounced, “Cedward, I know what you are. Your skin is very pale, you like sparkly, shiny things, you walk as if you laws of gravity don’t apply to you…”
“Then say it out loud!” he snarled.
“You’re Michael Jackson!”
Cedward used his superhuman speed to chase after Hermione as she called for help. Her call was answered by Luna Lovegood, who happened to be standing around nonchalantly. Luna sprang into action, throwing open a nearby curtain that allowed in a fresh stream of sunlight, causing Cedward to sparkle uncomfortably until he finally ran away.
Hermione rushed to thank her friend, “Luna, how did you ever think of that? The light makes vampires sparkle? Who would have ever thought of that?”
“Daddy always said the one thing vampires shouldn’t do is sparkle, so if you can bring out their weakness like that they’ll have to run away.”
Hermione shuddered, “He’s just so creepy and possessive, but thousands of people like him and think its somehow romantic. Why is that, Luna? I just don’t get it.”
Luna shrugged, “I blame the nargles.”
After her close escape from the clutches of Cedward Cullen-Diggory, Hermione made her way up to the stairs to the luxurious honeymoon suite that she got to live in as Head Girl. There was just one complication; she shared the suite with the Head Boy, a cunning and mysterious blonde with an aura of bad-boy sexiness who had every girl in Hogwarts at his feet. His name, of course, was Ernie MacMillan.
(LOL just kidding, it’s Draco Malfoy! Seriously, who else would it be?)
Hermione entered the room to find a shirtless Draco flexing his muscles in front of a full length mirror, admiring his quidditch toned abs. He turned around when Hermione entered the room, giving her a glimpse of his round silvery eyes. Hermione felt a very deep conflict as she stared into his round orbs. He was a Gryffindor, he was a Slytherin. She was a Muggle born, he was a pureblood supremacist. She owned a cat, he was allergic to cats.
“Draco, I can’t explain this, but I realized that I’m in love with you! I’ve tried very hard to remain in character because I know this pairing could never happen in canon, but one look into the planetary orbit of your orbs convinced me that everything both of our characters have ever stood for is wrong!”
Draco looked back at her, his orbs looking especially orbital. “Baby, I never even tried to be in character, and you know I love you too, otherwise what would be the point of the story?”
They strove to outdo each other in their pronouncements of their newfound undying love for each other until Hermione backed up and hit her head on a wooden wardrobe that she previously hadn’t known was there.
“Draco, darling, what is that wardrobe doing there?”
Draco looked at it with a hint of embarrassment,” Oh, that’s the magically vanishing cabinet that I used to smuggle Death Eaters into the school to try to kill Dumbledore.
“Well I forgive you for that, but I just have to ask, how did you construct such fine woodwork?”
Draco made a dismissive hand motion, “Oh that, I got some house elves to do it.”
“You mistreat and overwork your house elves, and I have dedicated myself to defending their rights, but I don’t care because you are super fit and I love you,” said Hermione, as she suddenly lost her balance and fell into the cabinet.
Hermione lost all semblance of balance and awareness of her surroundings as she swirled through a spiraling magical vortex. Finally, she hit the ground outdoors, looking around to observe a mildly familiar neighborhood of West London. She let out a gasp as she thought she saw Cedward, but then she realized that it was merely a large statue of Michael Jackson. She looked around a little more and realized that she was standing outside Craven Cottage, the home stadium of Fulham Football Club.
A small group of men began to approach, and the one that seemed to be the leader of the group seemed to be a very hard man, despite not being very large. Hermione looked on in shock as he smashed several glass bottles over his head and then ripped a tree out of the ground by its roots and threw it, simply to prove how hard he was.
“Who are you and what on earth are you doing? Hermione inquired.
“Oi, they call me Bart, and I’m the leader of this here Fulham firm,” he responded.
“A firm? You mean you’re one of those football hooligans that go around starting fights? That is highly irresponsible, very dangerous, and also illegal,” stated Hermione, thankful for the opportunity to be in character again.
Bart responded, “Well actually, Miss, I like to think of us as enlightened rebels, like Henry Hotspur in Shakespeare’s Henry I.”
Hermione looked at him quizzically, “How are you familiar with Shakespeare?”
“Well, you see I’m actually an English professor,” he responded sheepishly.
“Then why do you act like an ignorant prat?” Hermione prodded.
Bart sighed, “Well you see I come from an aristocratic family, Bart is short for Bartholomew Percival Castlerock IV if you must know. And as I mentioned before, I’m an English professor, I spend five days a week wearing tweed sport coats, quoting Evelyn Waugh novels, and occasionally attending a polo match. But on the weekends, I get to be somebody else entirely. It’s more than just football; it’s a way of life.”
Bart’s speech was interrupted by the approach of a large group of Arsenal supporters, who seemed to be itching for a rumble.
“Now if you’ll excuse us, we have some business to take care of,” Bart shouted as he led the charge into the opposing group.
Bart immediately became involved in a scuffle with the leader of the Arsenal firm, who kicked him squarely in the shin, causing him to awkwardly hop around on one foot and grimace in pain. It was then that Hermione decided to get involved; after all, she had now known Bart and his friends for an entire five minutes, which was twice as long as it had taken her to fall in love with Draco.
She aimed her wand and incanted, “Petrificus Totallus,” and watched the Arsenal firm’s leader collapsed to the ground, completely petrified.
Bart looked on in awe as Hermione charged into the fight, firing off an array of stunning spells and jelly legs jinxes that left the opposition reeling. Seeing what was happening to their comrades, the remainder of the Arsenal gang fled and the Fulham supporters cheered in celebration.
Bart turned back towards Hermione, “Wow, you’re really useful in a fight. We‘re playing West Ham next week, and they have one of the most feared firms in the league. We’d love to make you an official member and have you around for that.”
Hermione paused to contemplate, she realized that joining a football firm was one of the things her character was least likely to do, but on the other hand, was it really any more out of character than falling for Draco Malfoy? She sat there in angst and anguish, being forced to make a very difficult decision.
A/N: The lines "I know what you are" and "Say it out loud" are adapted from the the movie Twilight, which is based on the novel by Stephanie Meyer. Fulham FC is a real team, and they actually do have a statue of Michael Jackson outside their stadium.
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