Chapter 1 : I want to turn back time.
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Harry and I came home at the same time. The work day was long, we both forced smiles out of exhaustion, and I’m amused it piled up. The things that were probably already bothering us about one another, and then the terrible work day, just made us both explode. We started yelling back and forth, cutting the other off, yelling over each other, pausing at only enough words to catch our breath.
I look back up at him, my hands in fists at my sides. I’m too angry at him to except his apology, not that he’s given one yet, and right now I’m too stubborn to give one out. I just stare at him. He keeps moving around, running his hands through his hair, looking as though he liked to punch something.
There would be so many things that I would do if this situation where different. There are so many things he would do if this whole thing was different. He would have me sit down, and gently pull on my fingers until they weren’t shaped into a fist anymore. He’d put my hair behind my ear, kiss the side of my head, and not saying anything at all.
I’d would take his hands, pull them around my waist, and lean up to capture his lips with mine. A comforting gesture that didn’t really lead into anything else, well that’s not entirely true. But was generally intended to let him know I was there, and I never planned on leaving.
For the first time, while I stood there staring daggers at him, I actually considered walking out of the building in hopes of clearing my head, but I knew that I’d probably end up kicking my foot on a wall, stub my toe out of anger, and it all in all would done nothing to fix my anger.
For the first time, I wished he would disappear. I wished he would just leave so I didn’t have to stare at him. For the first time I didn’t feel anything but anger directed to him, and I hated it. I hated that I even thought about it because even though Harry drives me utterly insane, he always will, he’s the other half of me. It’s hard to truly hate the person that makes you the happiest.
I know it’s my fault. The whole argument. “He may have had a bad day too, but I’m the one who started it. I lit the fire, and I hate the fact that I’m going to have to apologize. I hate it that there’s part of me resisting the apology, and I know the more I fight it, the more my apology will suck.”
Harry walks past me, picks up his jacket, and mutters something about being back in a few minutes.
For the first time since this evening started, I didn’t want him to go. I sit down on the coffee table, my throat feeling all choked up. I look up at the ceiling and blink a few times, wondering how someone could screw up so badly in one night.
I hate the fact I didn’t apologize. I hate the fact that I’m in the wrong, and I hate that my stupid stubbornness gets the better of me. I look down at my hands. Harry makes the whole world seems better when he smiles. My life with him is ten times brighter.
With him, my life feels like warm summer nights, snowflakes dancing are your tongue, grass between your toes, and heavy raindrops pattering on your head. It feels like all the small things that make you happy, and all the little pleasures. With him I feel like I couldn’t have anything else, because all I have right now is so right.
Stupid me. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.
This evening could have gone so much more differently. I didn’t have to open my mouth. I didn’t have to say anything. I could have sat there quietly, or just gone to bed. Why didn’t I read a book? Why didn’t I take shower? Why did I have to open my big mouth and act like…he didn’t matter to me?
I could think of a million ways to keep Harry beside me. I think of only one way to turn back the clock, but it’s not possible. I could think of one wish that would prevent this day from happening at all, but it’s a wish, it doesn’t work.
I put a sweater on, open the door, and sit in the hall with my knees pulled up to my chest and the key to the flat on my lap. I lean against the door, and try fixing up my hair. I end up tapping my feet, biting my nails, and chewing on an end up my hair. I feel horrible.
“Hey,” says a voice, and I look up to see Harry standing there. Before I can manage to get any words out, he sits down across from me, and raises his eyebrows. “Am I kicked out of my own apartment?”
I shake my head, and my hair falls forward. Slightly embarrassed, I pull it back and take a deep breath.
“I normally don’t mean my apologies,” I say earnestly, hoping he understands. “When I ate all of Percy’s chocolate frogs when I was five and I said sorry, I didn’t mean it because I was proud of myself for eating ten chocolate frogs. I didn’t mean my apology when I crashed in to Zacharias Smith or when I hexed him.”
I look over at Harry, whose face looks a bit stony. I sigh, and look back at my hands. “But I really do mean what I say now. I’m really sorry for being such a mean person, for causing the argument, for sitting in front of your door, though that was kind of necessary… for being awful.”
Harry leans back against the wall, and I’m sure I can see him smiling. “You know on my walk, I was thinking about you.”
“Oh,” I say, sitting back down, pulling my knees up to my chest. I have no idea where this conversation is going, but I know I have every right to be worried.
“This argument was your entire fault, but I’m not mad at you. Gin, these things happen. Why would I leave you over you having a bad day? And even if I wanted to, which would be pretty lame, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it.”
“Why?” I wonder. I’m pretty sure I could drive anyone nuts.
“Because I can’t say goodbye to you,” says Harry, shrugging. “I nearly killed me when I did. Since then, I just…I just love you.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I whisper, scooting over next to him.
“I think you’ve got that a bit mixed up,” says Harry, smiling. “It’s me that doesn’t deserve you.”
“We’re both in the same predicament,” I murmur.
“That’s why we work,” replies Harry, kissing the side of my head.
These things do happen. This wasn’t our first argument, and it most likely won’t be our last. It doesn’t mean we’re through; it doesn’t mean there isn’t a way to fix things. Even through the bad days, we work together as a team. That’s why we work.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please review :)
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