A/N – I DESERVE ALL YOUR SHOUTING AND KICKING AND SCREAMING AND PUNCHING.
For not updating in MONTHS. I nearly died too :P don’t worry. Basically I lost my inspiration for ages and then my friend borrowed my memory stick for homework with ALL my precious stories on and it took all of my Christmas holidays trying to get it back annnd whenn I did get it back the validation queue was still closed and I NEARLY DIED IN FRUSTRATION. I hope this chapter makes up for it. (actually, I quite doubt that). This chapter was crap till my I moaned to my friend Luiza and she fixed it all up for me. It might still be crap, but don’t tell her that ;) anywho, never fear guys, I PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER OF ALL BERRY’S MOANING AND MISERY. Well, she’s hardly going to forget everything but she’s starting ‘the road of recovery’ as Luiza puts it and her Christmas holidays hold lots of surprises ;) ;) ;)
NOW READ! :D xxxx
I woke up screaming.
Synchronised with my screaming I heard Bonnie's terrified yells. I threw off the covers and darted straight into the bathroom.
After a while, there was vomit everywhere, covering the floor in a layer of regurgitated food. My whole body was shaking and I shook my head, before collapsing to the cold tile floor. I stared at the ceiling. I was trying to search back into my head as to what horror-filled dreams had made me scream.
All I could find was they heavy presence of fear and misery, and it still lingered over me.
My cheek felt ice cold against the floor as it slowly swallowed my face.
I wasn't looking forward to today.
By four o'clock I'd be back to this miserable place for good. I'd be locked up in here for weeks, with only Bonnie. I'd called Tom last night and told him he should stay at his friends' for Christmas, and that I was sorry for yesterday.
I walked to the bedroom. I dressed Bonnie. I fed her some milk and cereal that was going off in the fridge. I decided not to eat anything. I showered, realising that I stank. I washed out the sick from my mouth thoroughly afterwards, and got dressed; skirt, blouse, tie, robes, and tightstoday.
I put on mascara again. It was becoming a habit. Maybe it was a good habit, as I guess make up might actually be a good thing despite my grudge against it. I did notice how it made me look a bit less dead, despite the absence of the life in my eyes.
I even straightened my hair.
Obviously something's gone wrong with the world.
I guess feeling fresher, cleaner and actually pretty made me feel a bit more alert and prepared for the day ahead.
Just eight hours and I'd be back here. I didn't know whether this was a good or bad thing.
The bell rang, warning that McGonagall had come.
And off we went.
I'll guess I will never escape school. Not really. I felt like I had to bow my head in shame, fearful every time I walked past someone. I didn't want them to see my face and start whispering, I didn't want them to see my pain.
At least today I had my books. Before, in every lesson I used to get shouted at by the teacher. It wasn't a pleasant process. I was still badly affected by the events of yesterday and there, blossoming on my forehead, was a great purple bruise.
On my first free period I sprinted off to the library, a place where I wouldn’t have to be forced to talk to people, and began some work on essays that were due after Christmas.
I jotted down my thoughts and points on what I was to write about. When I became stuck I angrily tapped my pen on the desk at an alarming rate.
There weren’t many points you could make on ‘How does the Evolution theory link to the mutation draught?’
Eventually I saw through the walls blocking my mind, and thought about it more. I got down a few more points I could go into great detail about before someone hesitantly tapped my shoulder.
This time, as alarmed as I was, I controlled my nerves from jumping up in fright.
I slowly turned my head round to see the one and only, abomination, Will bloody wanker-face, pulling up a seat next to me.
Of all the people? Really?
He certainly was nowhere near the boundaries of friendship with me anymore, not even the acquaintance boundaries.
I hated him. I truly hated him after what he did.
“Go away Wood.” I hissed at him.
“I wish I could, West. But you see, I just don’t have a library card. So can I check you out?” He said leaning close to me, eyes moving over my body.
Never in my life had I felt so exposed and genuinely disgusted to know the people that I know.
I had to hold myself back from screeching ‘EW’ in the library and instead resolved to gagging and sweeping my books to the other end of the table, scooting myself across the bench and far away from him so I was sitting at the end.
He just followed and came even closer like I knew he would.
I didn’t like this at all.
He was waiting for me to say something.
And he was doing the eyebrow waggling.
I mean come on; that was so my thing.
So I came to a conclusion.
“That was the worst pick-up line ever!” I squealed quietly before slapping him across the face violently.
That felt good.
His hands grabbed at his cheek as he winced in pain. That’s right you tosser. You’re lucky I didn’t punch you, let alone rip your guts out.
“What was that for?!” He exclaimed in whisper talk.
“You know bloody 'what-for' you big-headed twat!” I said slapping him again. A couple of heads turned round.
He rolled his eyes. He was so totally trying to play the ladies man here. It clearly wasn’t working.
“So, I’ve been thinking. Ever since that passionate kiss of ours,” He began. I started growling, clenching my fists as I bit my lip in frustration. “I’ve only been thinking of you! So, West, want to take a ride on my broom?”
Three seconds of silence.
In a state of absolute horror like never before, I grabbed my two heavy books, slammed them with such a force on Will’s head that it made him shudder before I ran out of the library screaming my head off in a massive rant about possibly the most scarring images that have ever trespassed my mind.
The screaming didn’t stop. It was just something I had to get out. And I couldn’t stop till it was all gone. I heard Will running after me, but no way in HELL was I going to let him catch up with me.
“Berry, wait!” He called.
“GET AWAY FROM ME YOU RELENTLESS PERVERT!” I screeched down the corridor, and ran faster down the staircase, my legs aching from the lack of exercise on my part.
I turned another corner and hid behind a pillar, trying remain as silent as possible as Will sprinted past wailing after me like a gormless idiot, clutching his head. Once he was out of sight I sighed in relief and began to walk slowly away from my hiding place.
I began to think about what had happened. I hated Will. Why did he have to shove his arse into everything? Out of all the people, he hadn’t given a flying shit about why I had been off school and why I was hiding from everyone.
I know he didn’t understand. None of them did, but at least the others showed that they cared.
Oh my Merlin.
The others cared.
I’d been so mean to them. I’d been totally ignoring them and telling them to go away the whole time. Shit, I am such a horrible person.
I mean, all they’d been trying to do was to see if I was ok. That’s it! All I have to do is make it out like I’m ok! As if nothing ever happened!
I AM SO CLEVER.
Really. I am.
Ahem. So clever it took you like…a week to work that out.
Shut up brain. No one likes you.
But Will’s a total dickhead. He’s so inconsiderate about everyone else’s feelings.
So for once I powered myself successfully, to forget about Will for now, so he couldn’t ruin my last day, because today I was going to tell Luiza.
I’m sure of it. I’ll do it last minute, on the train or something; I’ll just confront her, tell her what’s going on, and tell her to act as if nothing’s changed since before.
I walked into the main hall to see limping grey-haired Hagrid along with Flitwick Jr and some houselves setting up the humongous Christmas tree in the centre of the room. I was struck by the woodsy Christmassy scent almost instantly after entering. I breathed it all in with a little smile. I walked up to the tree, and stood in its shadow, shouting up to Hagrid who was dangerously wobbling on a ladder up top.
“Hello, Hagrid!” I shouted up. “You alright there?”
The great giant shifted his body on the ladder, making me shudder and regret disturbing him as he nearly toppled off. He turned round with a great beaming smile. I hadn’t talked to him much this year. I was just too busy.
“Fine, Berry! You going home for Christmas I suspect? Back to farm, eh?” He said cheerily.
I winced a little at the words ‘home’ and ‘farm’.
I hesitated. “Uh... yeah.” I said, managing miraculously to sustain my smile.
He nodded, wiping frothy butter beer off his beard.
“Alright, then, have a Merry Christmas!” He called down - I waved.
“You too!” And I left the hall with a frown etched upon my face.
I walked out into the white light from the sky. I loved it when it snowed. The sky wouldn’t be blue anymore. It wouldn’t be too dark or too sunny. Just bright light, beaming into your eyes, like a wash of paint across the sky.
My boots kicked the snow away from my feet with little ‘fff’ noises as the two surfaces brushed along one another. A shiver travelled through my body as a piece of snow flew inside my boots.
It was freezing. I pulled up the hood of my jacket from inside my huge coat to keep my face warm. It started to snow again properly from the gorgeous skies. I danced around a bit, probably looking like an idiot to others, but I liked it. It was like the snow was covering up the past, treading over my darkest moments so I can walk away from them.
I skipped about, kicking snow everywhere, till I tripped over my own feet and fell back, feeling my hair soak up the crunchy substance. But I grinned wildly.
I began moving my arms and legs up and down to make a snow angel. I even laughed loudly, continuing, rubbing faster to make sure the angel would come out well.
“Someone’s having fun all by their self.”
My mouth immediately closed at the voice, and I tried to turn my head round but I couldn’t without mucking up my angel. The figure walked round me till they stood by my feet looking down at me smirking happily.
I looked at Albus and tried to get up and walk away but I couldn’t without mucking up my angel. I tried to stand without pushing my hands into the snow but so far it was proving difficult.
Al offered me a hand and I took it, blushing as he pulled me up out of the snow. For a minute we just stood there, side by side, looking at the angel I had made. I shoved my hands in my pockets and shifted from one foot to the other, trying to keep warm.
When the minute was over I walked over to the top of the angel and smiling again, I drew a halo above its head and stood beside Al again. He put one arm round me and pulled me in, still looking at the angel. I felt warm and fuzzy inside.
Then, realising what had happened; I recoiled away from Al and began to walk away slowly, before I broke into a run. He followed.
I couldn't look at him. I couldn't look at him after what he’d done.
I thought maybe after everything we’d been through, he might have…liked me? It was a silly thought. Why would Albus Severus Potter fancy the spastic lunatic of Hogwarts when she’s just annoying, horrible and ugly. I was so stupid to let my hopes up because now he’d done it. He’d probably done the thing that could hurt me most, asking out Emma Thirsk.
I hate her. I hate them both. I kept running.
Of course I had to drop my hat.
I swatted my hair with my hands to check it was still there, which it wasn’t, and turned round to go look for it. But Albus was already walking up to me, raised eyebrows and hat in hand. Dammit.
“What do you want?” I said coldly.
He didn’t deserve that, that tone. He frowned a little.
“I just want to see that your oka-“
“Well I am! I’m perfectly fine! I was just ill for a couple of days!” I snapped.
“Come on now, we all know that’s not true. Give us some credit-“
“SHUT UP, POTTER!” I shouted in his face fuming with clenched fists at my side.
He stepped back a little, with nothing to say. He stared at me. He was hurt. He didn’t deserve that either. He didn’t deserve any of it.
And now it’s all making me feel worse.
“I’m sorry. Just stop bothering me ok?” I said, still in that sharp voice that I didn’t like. He nodded staring at me expressionless. I felt awful.
“Merry Christmas.” He said lamely dropping a parcel at my feet before stuffing his hands back in his pockets and storming off back to the castle.
He’d got me a present? I’ve never felt worse.
Miserably I picked up the little parcel and held it in my open hands. It was so incredibly small and light. A little box. I turned it over once and shoved it in my pocket. I’d look at it another time.
Poor Albus. He was only trying to help.
“All aboard! All aboard! One minute left, all aboard!” Hagrid called to the rowdy groups of kids lining the platform adjacent to the train. I stepped onto the vehicle finding the nearest empty compartment and hoisting my huge trunk up into the racks above. After the third time, triumph filled me as it sat right on the rack and I slapped my hands together boastfully.
Then it fell on top of me.
Sometime’s life’s a little too comically evil to be true.
“Nice one West!” A voice called before he lifted the case and put it up on the racks perfectly without it falling down. I internally groaned.
“What do you want Malfoy.” I moaned bitterly, resigning and sinking to the seats. He sat down opposite.
“What I want is for you to grow a pair and talk to us again. You’re fucking with Rose’s head.” He said blatantly.
I squinted my eyes in disbelief, taking a long look at him.
Did he genuinely just say that? He could tell he’d stamped on thin ice, and I was just about to explode.
“What?!” I hissed at him, spit flying in his face as I walked toward him. “You’re telling me to grow a pair? Me?!”
He was shocked by my reaction. Of course he was; boys are entirely oblivious to everything. I wasn’t finished.
“I’m a fucking girl!” I screeched furiously. “Can no one see that?!”
He just started to mumble about Rose again.
“Well, fuck off, Malfoy! You have... no idea!” I broke down.
I didn’t like pulling my own problems into arguments, but sometimes it was just necessary. He was sitting there awkwardly, regretting what he said, as he had no idea what to do.
“Just please, go away Scorpius.” I whispered with a little tear falling.
He nodded sympathetically and ran out. Furiously, I wiped away the tear. I’d promised myself there’d be no more tears. Something deep inside me, though, said that there’d be a lot more on the way.
I felt so alone once the door had slammed shut and the cold crept into the room. I hugged my knees closer and sobbed a little, with no noise.
The whole journey I’d sat there in silence. Shaking as I thought of Al and grieving over my mother at the same time. I was mainly thinking about Al but my mom will always be there, sitting in the back of my head, as she unwillingly spreads her disease across my mind.
I just can’t believe Al. He was the one. The person I’d liked the most. Almost… No... but I just thought about him all the time. And now it was killing me that all this time he’d fancied someone else. Someone I hate.
I really thought he might have started to see me differently. I thought he was just noticing small things, like looking at me more often. And the way he kind of… oh I don’t know! It all meant nothing now. It all happened in my head. Sometimes, I feel that just because I’m so odd and mean that people forget I’m a girl.
They forget I’m like them too. They forget that I hurt. They forget that I feel.
Forget that I so obviously feel for Al.
Eventually after rocking back silently trembling for what seemed like forever, I fell asleep.
I was shaken awake a couple hours later and as my senses slowly came back I suddenly jumped, looked out the train window to see the dark sky, and my sight flickered back round to see the person who’d woken me.
Oh gosh. She was the one who would probably be most upset about me not telling her this. She’d feel like she had to know and had to do something. But since I’d got us both in tears and then literally flown away, she had specifically avoided me.
I think I’d hurt her night when I told her to go away. That killed me. It killed me that I’d hurt one of my best friends. My friends were really all I had to cling onto since my mother had left and I’d been blatantly pushing them away.
I don’t think I wanted to push them away. Not really.
I just couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling someone else.
I wasn’t ready.
Sure it was all locked up inside, and waiting to explode out on someone, to tell someone all my thoughts and feelings but I was still not ready to say it all out loud. I think I’d die. In all seriousness, I think I’d die if I told someone.
“Berry.” She said to me, not meeting my eyes, but instead looking straight at the floor.
I was still startled from being woken and half covered in a blanked that I’m sure hadn’t been there when I fell asleep. I had a sort of panic-stricken face. But she couldn’t see.
“I just want to let you know, that I’m here for you.” Her voice cracked a little. I could tell it was killing her to say all this. She was trying to make me happier. “And I know you’re really upset about something and you don’t want to tell anyone, but I’m here for you when you need me.” She kept going all high on the word ‘here’.
I felt awful. I was causing all her pain. If there was one thing I learned, it’s that, when she is right, she is never the bigger person. She never apologises.
It was my entire fault. “So I’ll wait, for you to be ready. And-and I... I…”
Then, something clicked. A light had parted her dark eyes and I could tell she was on the verge of collapsing. Oh no.
“I love you, Berry. I hate seeing you like this. You don’t talk. You don’t eat. You don’t even sleep. Berry you are like a sister to me and I know your upset but I feel so disconnected to you when you’re like this. I hate your endless crying. I hate you running away from everything! I hate how you’re a coward and you’re silly and you’re stupid and yet we all still love you because you matter to us! To me! I just feel so… different without you. And I’ve had problems too! Things I’ve wanted to say to you for days now! But I can’t because you’re so… distant.”I could see tears forming on her eyes.
I wanted to hug her rather than just sit there. But my muscles weren’t letting. I was just pinned to the seat in a state of shock. I hadn’t realised how much I’d affected my friend, all the others would be affected pretty bad as well. She cried when I was doing nothing but staring at her.
Then my senses grabbed me and I stood up shakily and squeezed her tight, my eyes glazed over as I straight ahead of me. She was clutching onto me tightly. I think I was going into shock. I was just frozen, gripping her tightly, staring.
I was so hypnotised by what I’d had all this time and totally ignored. I had some of the best friends. They loved me so much and I didn’t deserve it. But I was so lucky I had Luiza and I made sure not to let her go as my eyes set on the wallpaper of the compartment.
It was exhausting my eyes.
But I had her.
I had Luiza.
By my side all along.
Once I’d reached the station, I simply apparated illegally back to the apartment. McGonagall had given me permission to, after I’d complained that my friends would find it even more suspicious when I wouldn’t even take the Hogwarts express back.
The apartment was so dull and dim for my eyes. It strained my eyes to look at the dark shadows. I dropped my bags to the floor and threw myself onto the wearing couch. It was grey, just like the rest of the flat. I lay flat out; legs splayed open, hair everywhere, including my mouth.
I stared at the ceiling. Grey. Like everything else in the world.
I sighed and felt my eyes water. But I kept myself together, I wasn’t going t cry at nothing.
I was thinking about my mother again. I’d had such a close relationship with her, but I felt like I had nothing left of her. I should have kept something; I should get something that I can always have to remind me that she was real. I never want her to fade. It wasn’t like I could take her wedding and engagement rings. We’d thrown them down the drain after Dad left.
I remember that night.
Through that big argument, Tom and I were sitting on the stairs, in shock. The yelling was overwhelming. It was getting louder, and louder, until my ears were sore and we heard the crash.
And soon followed the scream.
The scream of our mother.
Not knowing what else to do, I darted into the kitchen, Tom right behind me.
There was my mother on the floor, bawling her eyes out as my Dad, my own father, went to strike her again. I started screaming for him to stop it.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!” In annoyance my father turned to me, and betrayed me once and for all. He picked me up roughly, and grabbed Tom by the scruff of his neck, and carried us out the kitchen, throwing us on the ground, before slamming the door behind him and continuing the argument in the kitchen.
I knew Dad wouldn’t murder somebody, but as mum’s screams got worse, I burst in tears and called the police.
That was probably the wisest decision I’d ever made because my ‘dad’ had transformed into someone else; a monster driven by his own wants and needs, a monster that cared only for itself.
I decided to close that out of my mind for now, I hated over-thinking.
I continued my thoughts about my mum. Something of hers I could keep forever, something I could treasure and use to remember her. Something I could have always by my side…
Then it hit me.
The ring! Ever since I was small she was always showing me this ring she got as a present from Dad on the day I was born. Something to mark my birth significant. I’d always thought the ring was an ugly shape, but its meaning drew me to every now and then, and I’d search through my mum’s old things to find it in it’s shiny black box. She’d always hide it in different places. But on the occasions I did find it, I would just stare at the blue crystals imbedded alongside diamonds on the silver band. It sat perfectly in the soft white velvety tissue. Sometimes I would try it on my finger, and think of mum and me.
It was always nice, that ring. It held something precious. She’d always said, when she passed away, I could keep it forever, and pass it on to my daughter, and then my daughter’s daughter, and so on.
I’d entirely forgotten It when I stayed in my house for the last time. I was too distracted. When my mother had shown it to me, and told me the same story over and over, I’d never taken the ‘when I die, you can have it’ part seriously. I hadn’t expected to own it myself for years and years to come.
But I owned it. I owned it right now this very second.
But I’d left it, left it at the house that someone else was bound to move into in a few weeks.
Instantly I jumped up from the sofa, a new found energy, a desire, a want, was glowing inside of me. What I was to do now was sure to be wrong, but I just had to get it back. Other than the pictures of her, it’s all I had left, wasn’t it?
And maybe while I was there I would take some of her other treasures too.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was dialling McGonagall’s ‘false muggle number’ that I was to use in an emergency.
The other line picked up. Before letting her speak I jumped in.
“Professor, It’s Berry, I need to know if my other belongings and furniture are still at the farm and if any residents have moved in.”
And this was an emergency.
A/N – tell tell tell tell all your thoughts! I realise I am a very annoying author and I would apologise but…I’m not going too :P I hope you haven’t all lost interest in the story because I took so long :C anyway, the whole ‘ring’ thing is true in my life. Its not some cheesy extra plot add in, like ‘oh my god, that ring’ that would be really unbelievable. You see, I realised I wanted to show you that berry had a stronger emotion/connection thing with her mum and I hadn’t done anything about that apart from her droning on going ‘I miss her, I miss her’ because im sure if any of us were in her position, that’s probably what we WOULD think and feel alongside of happy memories of the parent, but most of us would be just blinded by the thought of missing her. But then I remember my mum has this exact same ring that she got from my dad when I was born, and I can have it when she goes. Ive described it the exact same way as berry, I don’t like it much but I love it as well :D sometimes if im bored I do go look for it and try it on. Anywho, sorry about the wait. I hope you guys had a wonderful Christmas and happy new year! 2012 already? Sheesh we’re growing old.