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Oh, Ollie! by invisiblemaurader_1
Chapter 11 : In Which Smith Surprises, Shelly Lectures, and Kenna and Oliver Babysit
 
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 6


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Author's Note: Erm. Yes. I'm back. Would've been sooner, but this completed chapter, in all its (lack of) glory, erased itself from my computer, and had to be rewritten. Not to mention a complete lack of inspiration for many months. So. Onward.



 Chaos. That was the only word for it. With that one maddeningly simple statement, Smith transformed my relatively normal (well, for us) household into one inhabited by several angry, pained banshees.

Mia wept hysterically. Her pretty brown eyes were blotchy and red, as was the rest of her face. It was unkind of me, but as she cried and Kenna roared, I couldn’t help but think how unattractive she’d become.

Not that it mattered, as I stopped lusting after sixteen year olds when I was one. And Smith, after his bombshell, evidently had even less interest, if that was even possible.

“But…but…but” Mia’s lower lip quivered as fat tears rolled down her face. “Smith, I thought you loved me!”

To his credit, Smith didn’t roll his eyes. I certainly would have. “I do.” he said. Probably lying, the tosser. How even her parents could stand such a silly, stupid girl, I wasn’t sure. “But as a friend.” He clasped her hand and tried to look soulful. “And I know that as a friend, you’d never let my secret out. The other blokes wouldn’t be able to handle it, and I just…I don’t know what I’d do.”

Now that was bullshit if I ever heard it. I’d yet to determine whether or not Smith was actually gay, but this little act was most definitely an act. Smith was too much like his sister – he couldn’t care less what people thought about him, and probably relished some of the inevitable confrontations.

Evidently Kenna realized this as well, because in ten seconds flat she went from screaming about him being an abomination and a hateful, lying child to blinking at Mia owlishly. With an impressive display of calm, she stepped down from the couch and threw the pillow she’d been shredding to the floor. She pushed Smith out of the way and knelt down, also grabbing for Mia’s hand. When the girl finally looked at her, Kenna grinned.

And that was what scared me down to my toes. It wasn’t a happy grin. It was a murderer’s grin as she came at you with a knife (or spoon – semantics). It was Voldemort’s grin as he tortured countless Muggles for countless hours. And it reinforced the fact that Mia was quite possibly the stupidest creature I’d ever met – she didn’t look at all afraid.

“If you hurt my brother in any way,” Kenna whispered almost jovially “I’ll rip your heart out and feed it to your pets. So I’d think twice before saying anything about today to any of your little….friends.”

Mia just stared at her, eyes wide as she realized Kenna was, for the moment, completely serious. “But…you called him an abomination.”

Kenna sneered and pulled Smith to her side. “He may be an abomination, but he’s my abomination. Now, for the love of Merlin’s hairy knuckles, get out of my house.”

The girl blinked, and turned to stare at me, as if somehow I would help save her from these crazy people. And I would, just not in the way she wanted me to. “Mia, was it?” I shrugged helplessly. “Best do as she says. The hormones make her crazy.”

Kenna snorted. “You think this is hormones? This is me in my natural state.”

When those words finally sunk in, Mia practically flew out the front door. Didn’t come soon enough, in my opinion.

Practically the moment she was gone, Kenna dropped her arm from where it had been draped around her brother’s waist. She turned to glare at him more fiercely than usual.

“I am not an abomination.” Smith said hotly, glaring right back.

“Not one word about how you’ve always fancied other blokes….how could you do this to me? I’m your older sister, you should trust me, dammit.” Kenna looked close to tears. “And you.” she whirled towards me. “You were of absolutely no help whatsoever. Why do you insist on taking part if you’re not going to be the least bit useful?”

I ignored most of her statement, as usual. “Don’t tell me you actually believed any of that bull he was just spreading. And even if you did, why would he tell you? You’re the biggest gossip since Fred Weasley.”

“HEY.” Smith interjected. “You think I would lie about my sexual orientation just to get rid of a girl? Even a crazy one like Mia??”

Kenna and I shared a look. “Hell yes.” we both said automatically.

Smith flopped into a nearby chair and gave a dramatic sigh. Then he smirked. “Mia’s an idiot. But so are you, Kenna, if you thought for one minute that you could control my life like this. I like girls, I like boys – it doesn’t matter which. Because either way, I wouldn’t let your twisted sense of humour determine, if, when, and where I choose to carry on my sexual relationship. Or relationships, if I feel like it.”

It probably wasn’t very smart of me, but I found myself doing the slow clap. Honestly, I was equal parts impressed with the little tosser – anyone who could verbally go head-to-head with Kenna and come out so completely on top was definitely amazing, especially when I’d been trying to tell her variations on the same theme forever – and amused. After all, it isn’t every day that your brother-in-law outs himself just because it’ll make his sister tongue-tied. Kid had nerves of steel. 

Both of them glared at me. I was so used to by now that it barely fazed me, and it certainly didn’t scare me – much. “Well,” I said cheerily. “are you ever going to tell your sister whether or not you were just joking over the gay thing? You know she’s going to be in a strop about it for weeks if you don’t.”

Kenna scowled at me. “I wouldn’t get stroppy over something so inconsequential.” she huffed.

Smith rolled his eyes. “Yes, you would.” he said blandly, looking up at the ceiling as if it were the most interesting thing he’d seen all day. “And personally, I wouldn’t much care, seeing as I’ll be out of this hell hole in just a few more weeks. Plus, you’re always a stroppy cow, so nothing would be changing.”

Seeing as I was by then pinning my wife between my body and the couch to prevent her from killing her sibling, I wasn’t exactly caring overmuch for his input.

“And you tell me I’m not helpful.” I muttered.

Smith just cocked an eyebrow at us. “But since I’m in a good mood, I’ll enlighten you, dear sister.” He casually got back up from his chair and sauntered – no, really, he did – over towards us. Without even a glance, he pushed Kenna out of the way, albeit gently enough.

That should have been my first cause for alarm. But really, nobody could have been more surprised when the damn twit grabbed me by the collar, pulled me towards him, and promptly kissed me.

…..

…..

…..

The worst part was that my mouth had been gaping wide open out of something resembling shock. So let’s just say I became more intimately familiar with certain parts of Smith’s anatomy than I ever wanted.

That is, I did in the approximately two seconds before I managed to punch him in the face.

 

This, of course, set Kenna off, as her precious baby brother was now draped over our sofa with blood dripping everywhere. “YOU JUST BROKE MY BROTHER.” she screamed, practically hurling herself at me.

I did my best to hold her at arm’s length. “Your brother just stuck his tongue in my mouth.” Honestly, I feel like that didn’t need a whole lot of explanation. After all, the only other time I could remember being propositioned by another bloke, he barely touched me and I had him flat on the floor.

“Wait.” Kenna momentarily stopped her attempts to claw my face off. “Smith, you tongued him?”

The little bugger just laughed. “Sorry, Kenna. I just couldn’t control my insatiable lust any longer.”

Kenna apparently decided this was an appropriate response, because she immediately began laughing like a lunatic. I was evidently the only one disturbed by the fact that I’d just been kissed by a teenage boy.

“Merlin’s pants, Smith.” Kenna wiped tears of laughter away. “You’re a riot.”

“Yeah, a real riot.” I spat. The two of them looked at me like I was the crazy one. Which I most certainly was not. “Can I just point out that your brother bleeding kissed me and you’re okay with it????”

Smith glared at me. I must say, I wasn’t expecting that. He kissed me, after all. “Don’t be so full of yourself, you bloody minger.”

“Minger?” Kenna interjected. “That’s a new one for him. Keep going, I’m begging you. This is a very precious moment in my life.”

“Shut up, woman.” He rolled his eyes. “I was getting to it.” He carefully adjusted his glasses over the bridge of his nose, then looked at both of us like he was lecturing a couple of very special toddlers. “I was making a point.”

“And what point would that be?” I asked exasperatedly. “The point of no return? Because, aye, I’d say you hit that all right.”

“The point is,” Smith glared at me again, venom practically dripping. Was this any way to treat a man he’d just sexually violated? No, I ruddy well didn’t think so. “It shouldn’t matter. Who I want to shag, I mean.” Seeing as Kenna had finally stopped laughing and both of us were staring at him completely dumbstruck, he must have sensed he needed to give a bit more of an explanation. “See, human sexuality is way more complex than you two dumb arses seem to realize. People can identify as one sexual preference their whole lives and then meet someone else and POOF now they’re gay, or straight, or whatever. So really, you’re just being heteronormative and insensitive.”

It was my turn to roll my eyes. Because A:  not much of that made sense, and B: I was still ruddy pissed at the tosser. “English, genius boy. Remember, present company isn’t nearly as intelligent as your wondrous self.” Really, I should do this whole sarcasm thing more often. I was pretty damn good at it.

Smith snorted, as if he found the whole thing funny. Which, knowing Smith, he probably did. “I don’t fancy blokes.” he said as if we were both stupid for not having figured it out already. “I don’t fancy women. I fancy whoever I bloody well fancy, and really could care less about which parts they have.”

“So basically you’re saying you lied to that crazy bint to get her out of my house.” Kenna finally piped up. She looked like she was enjoying this whole conversation. And she probably was. All those hormones had her completely out of whack. Which would explain why she was more amused than horrified when her brother planted one on me, and why she could listen to him spout things off about heteronormative blah blah blah without wanting to punch him in the face.

Smith shrugged. “You could call it that. Or you could just thank me, because we both know that you would have murdered her sooner or later if I hadn’t.”

“You’re both crazy.” I muttered.

Smith grinned. “You’re just mad because I slipped past all those Quidditch defenses you’re so proud of.” He and Kenna both laughed, and it was all I could do to not punch him again.

“I swear to Merlin, I will rip every hair off of that pointy head of yours and then feed them to you if you so much as look at me funny.” As far as threats went, it wasn’t my proudest moment. But you try coming up with something complex and terrifying when you feel completely violated.

“Stop being such a baby, Ollie.” Kenna sniffed. Then she extricated herself from my grasp and pulled her brother up from his prone position on the couch. “Come on, Smith.” I got glares. The brother, who was of course the cause of all this madness, got a smile and a pat on the head. I don’t know how she managed it, seeing as Smith positively towers over her. “Let’s go fix you up.”

Smith smirked at me, and then flung an arm around his sister’s shoulders. “Did you see the part where your oaf of a husband punched me?” he asked, clearly trying to provoke me into hitting him again. “It hurt. I think he may have broken my nose. Or my cheekbone.”

Before I could say a word in protest, they exited the room, grinning at one another. It was kind of…dazzling…to tell the truth. True, they were both certifiable, and most of the time they fought like mad, but there were just moments that anyone with eyes could tell just how much they loved one another. This was apparently one of them. And Kenna might hurt me – okay, would hurt me – if I interrupted. So I flung myself onto the couch, forcing myself not to react when I hear her reply.

“Poor baby.” she giggled. “Don’t worry, we have this thing called magic. I’ll fix you up faster than you can bow down and worship me.” Right, because Smith was totally likely to do that. “You’ll be a little bruised, but I don’t think those bints you hang around will mind. Or whatever blokes you happen to be after.” she amended. It might have been the first time I’d ever heard Kenna attempt to be polite and or understanding. It was flabbergasting to say the least. “Besides, bruises make you look more romantic. Girls go for that.”

Why hadn’t she ever told me that? If I’d known that while we were at Hogwarts, I would have just run into a door or something. She would have pitied me, and then I’d have been able to get her out of what’s-his-face’s clutches far quicker than I actually did.

Since it suddenly occurred to me that I was slightly jealous of my wife’s relationship with her brother, I took it as a sign that I was meant to attempt to drown myself in the shower. After all, I couldn’t sink any lower.

So that was exactly what I did. Try to drown myself, I mean.  Oh, not very seriously – all things considered, I don’t actually have a death wish. But I appreciate a good dramatic moment as much as the next bloke.

Of course, the drama of the moment didn’t seem nearly so interesting when Kenna decided to join me. Then I really almost drowned. But it was worth it….especially when Smith started pitching a fit from the other room. 



 “Up. Now.” Kenna hissed in my ear at an obscenely early hour the next morning.  

I rolled over groggily. “What time ‘zit?”

“Bleeding early.” She hit me over the head with a pillow. I don’t know what she thought this would accomplish, but it evidently made her feel slightly better.

I let her drag me out of bed. Mostly because it was easier than fighting with her when I was nowhere close to being fully conscious. “Why are we up?” I couldn’t stifle the yawn.

Kenna glared at me. Really, I was starting to think it was the only thing she knew how to do. “I have to be at work soon.”

Right. Because that was definitely enough of an explanation. “That would definitely point to you being up, I’d say.” Cue another yawn. “I don’t have to go in today. So why are we up? If you wanted me to ravish you, we could have just stayed in bed….”

She took the opportunity to poke me in the gut. But seeing as she flushed all the way up to her hairline, I considered my retort a small victory of sorts. After all, Kenna is pretty damn difficult to embarrass.

“Don’t act mental, Oliver, that’s my job.” she muttered. “You are awake because you let my brother kiss you.”

“What?” I am mildly ashamed to admit the question came out as a yelp. It certainly wasn’t very manly of me.

“Smith.” Kenna was back to hissing again. Lovely. “Apparently, he thought now would be a smashing time to mess with the two of us. He rung our mum. Now her head’s floating in our fireplace, and we get a lecture. Happy?”

I groaned. “Merlin’s sweaty left sock. This is just bleeding perfect.”

She looked at me, and suddenly she was smiling. Just further proof I will never understand this whole hormone thing. “Couldn’t have said it better myself, Ollie. Now come protect me and the spawn from Mum.”

“I say we pretend to listen to her, then we go do something horrid to your arse of a brother.”

I was rewarded for this statement with a mischievous grin and a pat on the arm. “Oliver Wood, I do like the way you think. I may just keep you yet.” How reassuring. “But I will definitely be putting some Bulbadox Powder in his laundry. The boils won’t last long, but it’ll be fun to watch.”



 Sure enough, a slightly irritated Shelly was waiting for us in the fireplace. I could almost see her feet tapping. When she caught sight of us, she gave a small smile. “Hello, dears.” she said in that motherly manner, as if this was just a pleasant chat and none of us were aware that she was about to go into full-on lecture mode. “Oliver! I’m glad to see you’re fully dressed this time.” Her voice took on a sly tone that I was suddenly certain she’d passed on to Kenna, who, much to my dismay, was completely preoccupied with snickering at my presumed plight.

Must. Resist. Urge. To kill. Mother-in-law. It was a litany I chanted in my head over and over again. When I managed to respond with a simple “Hello, Shelly. Nice to see you,” I was quite proud of myself.

Kenna, in her typical fashion, skipped straight over the pleasantries. She pushed me into our large, cushy armchair, and promptly deposited herself in my lap. I don’t know if she was attempting to communicate our solidarity or if she just did it because she felt like it. Probably the latter.

“Mum. Start the lecture so we can get on with our lives.” Only Kenna would think she could get away with talking to her mother in such a fashion.

Shelly huffed. “Really, Kenna, don’t be so rude. I never lecture. I’m just….concerned, is all.”

“Er….how much did Smith tell you?” I found myself asking apprehensively.

Her eyes narrowed considerably. “Enough. And trust me, he’ll be hearing from me soon enough. That’s not really the point.”

“What is the point then, Mum?” Kenna asked. Shelly shot her a glare.

“It’s become obvious to me that…well, the two of you are a bit out of your league.” she said in a rush. “Obviously, Smith is….well, a handful….but neither of you really acted in an appropriate manner yesterday.” Merlin. Only the two of us could get lectured all the way from Africa. “Kenna, you can’t just curse and scream and get your way. That’s not how children work. And…well, Oliver, I understand the temptation, but standing by and doing nothing and punching people are both equally inappropriate.”

Cue me flushing. “Obviously, we’re still learning, but teenagers and infants are completely different, don’t you think?” Besides, I thought having a cat was worse than having children, and Nefertiti was still alive, so we couldn’t be doing too badly.

Shelly sent me a brilliant smile. “Precisely, Oliver.” Oh dear. I didn’t think I was going to like where this was headed. “I think the two of you need some exposure to actual children.”

“As great at this plan sounds, Mum, I don’t think there’s a Rent-a-Baby anywhere nearby.” Kenna announced sarcastically. I had to admit, it was a point.

Shelly thought about it for a moment. “True.” she conceded. “But don’t the two of you have friends with children? Anyone with a toddler or younger would do….just to babysit for a few hours or so, you understand.”

Babysitting, right. Babysitting?? My mother-in-law thought that we should babysit. Right.

“Erm. My mate James has a kid.” I scratched my head. “But he’s six. And his wife thinks Kenna’s a bad influence, so…yeah, she wouldn’t let us anywhere near Nicky. “

Kenna glared at me. Again. “I am not a bad influence. She’s just whinging because I threatened James once.” Right, because that wouldn’t anger a normal person at all. “And Mum, most of the people I know don’t have kids….they’re career people. Hell, most of them aren’t even married yet.”

Shelly huffed. “Surely between the two of you you know someone with small children. What about Riley? Doesn’t she have some?”

I thought about it for a few moments. “Uh…well…yes. But, seeing as they’re Riley’s children, they behave better than we do half the time.” Not something to be proud of, but there it was.

Kenna looked at me thoughtfully. “What about…what’s her face. Your sister?”

Shelly looked as shocked as I felt. “You have a sister?”

“Half sister.” I corrected.

“Does she have children?” my mother-in-law asked. Her eyes were shining in a way I did not appreciate.

“Well. Yes.” I admitted reluctantly. “But I haven’t seen her in several years. And she’s quite a bit older than us, so I don’t know how old her children are.” I tried to think. Had I ever even met my nieces or nephews? I vaguely recalled a small, baby-shaped object that travelled with Fiona to my parents’ house the summer I turned nineteen. “Really, I don’t think she’d appreciate us butting in.” I tried.

Shelly gave me The Look. “Oh, nonsense, Oliver.” she practically waved away my concerns. “I’ll just pop on over to your parents’ for a little visit. We’ll have a chat – I’m sure they’ll know how old the children are. And besides, any woman with a child under five wants a babysitter who won’t charge her.”

Kenna smirked. “If we’re going to do this, I think we should get paid for the trouble.” she announced.

“Oh, right, because we definitely have enough experience to merit charging money.” I rolled my eyes.

“Stuff it, Oliver.” Kenna eyed me angrily. “You’re just angry I thought of it first.”

Children.” Shelly coughed. “I’m going to go see what I can do. Try not to kill each other in the meantime.”

And that was how, three days later, Kenna and I ended up with my sister’s children in our care and keeping. 



 Fiona was apparently the sensible type. She dropped her kids off on our doorstep, along with a list, a very large bag of supplies, and a lecture.

“Sorry, Oliver darling, no time to chat.” she said breezily, pulling things out of her bag left and right. “Thanks for offering, actually – things are hectic at work, and it’s no place for children. These are any numbers you might need, these are the baby’s things – diapers, bottles, the whole bit – and for Merlin’s sake, don’t let Callum off the leash. It’s a punishment, don’t ask.”

Kenna and I both stared at her. “She is nothing like you.” she whispered to me. I shot a glance in Fiona’s direction – neat blonde hair, cool grey eyes, and shorter than both of us. No, we weren’t alike at all.

“You’re telling me.” I muttered. “She puts her kid on a leash.”

Fiona smiled at us like we were a couple of half wits. “Well, if that’s all, I’ll be off. We’ll chat later, darlings. Nice to meet you, Kendra. Ta ta, dears!”

Before either of us could get a word in edgewise, she shoved a squalling infant in my arms and disappeared. Kenna and I shared another look.

“I don’t like her.” she announced.

I rolled my eyes. “Try not saying that in front of her spawn, okay?”

She glared, then turned to the eldest boy, who looked about twelve. “You.” she pointed. “Which one are you?”

He glared right back. “David.”

“Right.”  Kenna shrugged. “Davey, do you care that I think your mum’s a right tosser?”

“It’s David.” the boy snapped, his blue eyes flashing from underneath a fringe of black hair. “And I think she’s a tosser, too.”

Kenna turned to me smugly. “See. Davey agrees with me.”

“It’s David.” he repeated again.

I snorted. “Okay.  David, why is your brother on a leash?” I gestured to the pale, blonde-haired creature behind him. He appeared to be trying to gnaw on a stair post. “And is this his normal behaviour?”

Sullen Davey sneered at me. “He’s mad at my dad. So now he tries to eat everything. I don’t know, he’s weird. The leash is because he tries to escape, and Muggles are always finding him starkers in their hedges.”

Merlin help me. “Er…so. The one I’m holding? Does it breathe fire or something? Just trying to get a handle on things.” I added when both Kenna and the Sullen One stared at me.

“That’s Blair. She just cries. Look, man, I don’t know. Can we just go inside? I gotta piss.”

Kenna stepped aside immediately. “Your family spawns weird things.” she told me. I just shrugged. Being as she was dragging the Leashed One, who was at least eight, behind her, and I was holding an infant who probably spat up venom instead of milk, I couldn’t really argue.



 The Leashed One, who we later discovered was Callum, decided he wanted to be leashed in the living room and watch the telly. Fine by me. A few semi-permanent sticking charms, and the leash was pinned to the wall, its owner gleefully watching old Quidditch matches and shrieking quite loudly.

Davey, as Kenna insisted on calling him, was a very brooding portrait of a thirteen year old. He cursed at us in French – Fiona’s teachings, I was positive, since she’d spent the majority of her formative years in France – and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

Kenna seemed to have found a kindred spirit. The two of them sat at the kitchen table, having a glare-off. Davey was putting up an impressive fight, but there was no doubt that my wife would ultimately prevail. I just watched both of them. The Blair one was….okay, she was still sleeping in my arms, and I really wanted to put her down, but somehow, I felt the kitchen sink wasn’t an appropriate place for her.

Davey paused in his glaring contest to stare at me scornfully. “Are we really related to you? Like, no offense, but Kendra’s pretty weird. And you seem kind of barmy.”

Of course. I was getting insulted by yet another teenager. And Kenna found it hilarious. “I’m your Auntie Kenna.” she said in a sing-song voice. “And Ollie’s your barmy mum’s younger brother. They don’t talk much. Obviously.”

Davey still stared. “Have we met before? Like, ever? You don’t look like the mother unit at all. I don’t remember you.”

Kid sounded weirdly put out. “Um. Maybe? Fiona – your mum – has a different mum than me. Obviously.” I could feel the heat of embarrassment climbing up my neck. “And…yeah. No idea, kid.”

He rolled his eyes. “You don’t know very much, do you?”

Kenna giggled. “One too many Bludgers to the head, Davey.”

Davey cocked his head. “You play Quidditch?”

Merlin.

“He’s your uncle and you don’t even know that he’s a famous Quidditch star?” Kenna gasped. “Do you live under a rock?”

Right. Because that was definitely an appropriate way to handle this situation.

Davey huffed. “I didn’t even know I had an uncle.” he pointed out. “Or a barmy aunt. Sue me. If you’re so famous, how come Mum never mentioned it?”

I sighed. “Hell if I know.”

Kenna rolled her eyes. “We’ve established that, Oliver.”

Things were quiet for a while. Then, of course, hell had to break loose.

Words cannot describe the depths of the insanity. But I’ll make a valiant effort.

 

In the span of two minutes:

Callum made a run for it, somehow tearing a large hole in our living room plaster.

Kenna held Davey at wand point because he made fun of her one too many times.

Blair woke up and started squalling.

Kenna lost the baby bag.

Callum stripped and started rolling around in the rose bushes.

Blair vomited on me. While I attempted to change her diaper.

Davey got himself stuck inside a cabinet.

And last but not least, Kenna had a hormone outburst and locked herself in the bath for half an hour.

Leaving me to deal with three very strange children by myself. Bloody woman. She did finally reappear, however, and by the time she did, both of us were rethinking parenthood. 



 Fiona arrived later that evening to tow away her demon spawn. After spending less than twelve hours in their company, Kenna and I were both exhausted.

“My bum hurts.” she moaned in my general direction after my sister dragged away the spawn. “Why does my bum hurt?”

“Probably because Callum kept poking you there with that stick he found.” I slowly lowered myself to the floor. “Starting to wish we’d waited to have kids?” I asked.

Kenna spared me a glance. “The little one wasn’t the bad part. She just cried a lot. Feed it, water it, change it, and rock it to sleep – not so hard. It’s the older buggers – Merlin’s toes, what were their problems? – that I don’t want. I think we should give our children to your parents when they hit, oh, five or six? Then we could just take them during school holidays. Really, we didn’t spend much time with our parents, and we turned out fine.”

I groaned. “I don’t ever want another teenage boy in this house again. I’m sold. But at least the older one was just snarky and mopey and rude. That Callum….” I shuddered at the thought of the middle demon child. “There is something seriously wrong with him. Kids are supposed to stop eating before they’re his age, right?”

Kenna grinned. “No idea. I mostly fed dirt to people when I was younger.” Somehow this wasn’t surprising at all. “I propose a pact – these are the only spawn we have. I don’t think we could deal with more.”

I reached over to pull her towards me. “Agreed. But hey, we learned something, eh?”

“And what would that be?”

I shrugged. “Our kids will in all probability turn out to be mental. But it could be a hell of a lot worse.”

Kenna thought about that, then scrambled up. “That’s kind of frightening, truth be told.” She extended a hand towards me, and I boosted myself up. “Let’s just have this one evening where we don’t think about kids at all. If we do, so help me Merlin, I will keep the spawn inside me for all eternity. Because I do not want to think about the horrors we could unleash on the world.”

“Okay. Good plan.” I agreed. “Feel like sleeping this all off so we forget today ever happened?”

She smiled brilliantly. “Best idea I’ve heard all day.”

So the two of us, brilliant idea at hand, made our way upstairs, where we promptly collapsed like the exhausted soldiers we were.



A/N: Not my best chapter, I'm afraid. But a long overdue one for certain. I'm sorry about the extended wait, but...well, life happens. Also, some quick clarifications: Kenna is not being homophobic, she is just being weird and surprised. Smith likes to lecture on gender politics, and is really just trying to say that he doesn't have a sexual preference. Finally, I love each and every one of you who has stuck around so far. I am going to do my best to keep this story updated as quickly as possible. Thanks a bunch for your continued encouragement! And if you're not feeling too miffed at me, I'd love a review or two. Till next time! 


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