There was a time when I was little when I love the game, 'what if?
' What if, I grew wings and could fly? What if I dyed my hair blue? What if I suddenly became allergic to pancakes? The one, 'what if,
' I never considered was, 'what if your father erases your memory so you won't remember your boyfriend?
Why was that single question had escaped from the other ridiculous, 'what if's?'
Because I thought things like that only happened in soap operas. I was naive enough to believed things like that couldn't possibly happen to me. I was kind to my friend and loving to my family. So there never was a reason for such an atrociousity to occur. Until now I guess.
I didn't sleep at all. I just stayed up, seething until I was too tried to stay activity angry anymore. Finally once it hit 7 AM and Scorpius hadn't shown up I decided to take a shower. Ripping off my clothes, I stepped into the shower and let the scorching water pelt into my back. The harsh water began to slow refuel my anger. The longer I stood there the more I craved to know who else was involved. Was this a group effort or was it just my stupid cousin and father? I prayed that it was just them, but what if it wasn't? What would they have done? Held a, 'Let's control Rose's life
,' meeting? Over the years my family has made it clear that my life wasn't just something that was left up to me. But how many people took time out of their days and decided they could live my life better than me?
Once I got out of the shower I changed and made a lovely little list of people that I need to speak to. Or …depending on their answers, my Kill Bill List.
5) My dad
The first name was the easiest to find. Lily Potter was always in the center of things. She was nestled in the middle of the Gryffindor table, in her carefully selected outfit with her nose in the air. As soon as she saw me coming she grimaced and moved away from me.
"I had nothing to do with it." Lily told me immediately.
Scooting into the seat next to her, I glared at her. She couldn't get away from this that easily. There she sat with her perfect make-up, smooth bun and adorable outfit. There was no way she was going to let me ruin any of that. But if I didn't get a choice in my life there was no way in hell i was going down by myself. So slowly and maliciously, I pulled her hair clips out of her hair until she looked at me. I knew it would take a few minutes for her to snap, but i was prepared. Finally, the last straw for her was when the center section flew from it's specified section right into her face.
"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?" She roared furiously, "I told you I didn't do anything!"
"Did you know they were going to do it?" I demanded to know. "Or did Hugo tell you after?"
"You know at the end of the day it doesn't even matter." She told me authoritatively. "I didn't oblivate you and I didn't help Albus cover it up."
I eyed her hatefully. "So you're saying, it doesn't matter that he betrayed me and that you did nothing to stop it?
"Yes. Yes I am, because Albus is right. If you love Malfoy, who cares about what we did? You should be focusing on where you and he stands."
"I will worry about that after. I'm more concerned about the fact that you thought it was okay to sit on your ass and do nothing while your older brother tries to control my
Lily's full lips turned into a frown. "What was I supposed to do? He wouldn't let me anywhere near you! And to be honest I didn't realize you and Malfoy were that serious to begin with. I thought it was going to just fizz out so I didn't see anything wrong with it until a few days ago."
"And you didn't think to do anything
"Look, It's your life Rose. It's not my problem who you date or what my brother does." She took a sip of her cup coldly. "You need to learn that your problems are yours, not mine.
." Glaring at my shorter cousin, my mouth became tight and I stood. "You are the most self absorbed, bitter, bitch I've ever met. And if you ever need a favor," I bent over to whisper, "You can go fuck yourself." Then I walked away without a hint of remorse.
Lily, is a heartless, soulless little bitch. I can't believe she could be so…bitchy. Sure I knew Albus was going off the deep end, that was always understood, but didn't think Lily would go the complete opposite way. By the time I got to the library to find Lauren and Kelly I was shaking with rage. How could she say that to me? After all the times I defended her stuck by her, she thought it was okay to leave me hanging out to dry? She basically said that no one cared what I did. Kelly was helping Lauren go through some career brochures and looking at the requirements when I walked up. They both nodded at me when I stopped in front of them, but Kelly did a double take when she saw the look on my face.
"What?! Did Rachel burn all your clothes?"
I started pacing in front of their table, ignoring her questions. "Did you guys know?"
"Know thaaat... Lily stole your eyeliner," Lauren frowned thoughtfully, "Or that she borrowed your peacoat?"
"No," I snapped shortly giving her a lethal look as I paused, leaned forward on the table and starred at them. "That my cousin helped my father oblivate Scorpius and I into believing that we never dated."
Lauren's face, which rarely shifted from it's state of cool indifference, since she was always two steps ahead of everyone, turned to shock. Her big blue eyes widened making her sleek blonde hair fall farther into her face. Kelly's tiny little jaw dropped as her dark eyebrows furrowed down in confusion.
?" Lauren whispered in bewilderment. "What are you talking about?"
"For the past two weeks," I started my voice shuddering with radiating rage as I began to pace again to keep sane. "I've been under the impression that I've been going crazy….Because I felt like something was missing and then I would run into Malfoy, a man I've hated for years, and feel something for him that I shouldn't. Then I realized when you," I pointed at Lauren, "Asked if we had broken up again that we must have been together. So I went to my uncle and he forced Hugo to tell us the truth."
Kelly let out a low whistle, "And how… did tha
"We had to watch our memories play out for ten minutes…and then as soon as we came out of the pensive Scorpius yelled and bolted."
"Where did he go?" Kelly asked leaning forward in concern.
I shook my head. "No idea. He just went into the fire and left."
…How could Hugo show you all of your memories though? I mean unless Hugo is a creep... which I hope to Merlin isn't true."
"He only showed me the ones he saw." I told her distantly, then I sat down in the chair across from them.
I didn't want to ask the next question, but I had to. It was lingering in me and I had to know. The reason why I couldn't just stay away from him. The reason I couldn't just forget him or move on. And it more importantly was the reason I worried if he was okay and wanted him near me…It was what I feared the most, but knew to be true even without asking. But I still needed it confirmed by someone else.
So I bit my lip and let out a sigh. "I was in love with him…wasn't I?"
Lauren wouldn't look me in the eye, but Kelly did. Her earnest little face turned up at me with a nod. "I think so. You didn't say it. Or really talk about him much, but
"It was all over your face." Lauren replied barely above a whisper.
The next question was much more awkward. "Did he love me?"
"Ughhh...um." Lauren scratched her neck in discomfort.
"Believe me I hate asking this. It's more awkward for me…trust me."
Kelly shrugged unconcernedly at Lauren and then turned back to me. "He did."
"He did?" I blinked in surprise. "He did
Running my hand through my hair I felt whole-heartedly conflicted. How did I get myself into this situation?
"I'm sorry Rose." Kelly whispered sincerely.
"Yeah," Lauren agreed in an oddly sympathetic voice that didn't suit her at all. "I don't like Malfoy, but I would have never let them do this to you if I had known what was going on."
Starring at the woodened table I never felt more …lost
. "I'll see you guys later…Good luck with the job hunt."
"Thanks." Lauren smiled at me.
I knew I should talk to Albus and figure out what the hell I should say to my dad when I see him, but after the slap to the face from Lily and the bucket of cold water from Kelly and Lauren I couldn't. I needed a minute to get my barings. I needed some time to just process this. I figured Scorpius had gone home or …wherever it was he would go. So I went to the Astronomy tower without fear of running into him.
Along the way I tried to think of how it must have gone, how we …fell in love with each other. It must have started off as some kind of joke right? Like a bet or something. Then what though? How could I have allowed myself to like him? He was so…detestable
and rude and …hadn't he hated me for years? Now I was more offended that he allowed himself to fall in love with me. He hated me for years, loathed me even. Where did the commitment go? How could he just suddenly…like
me? What was wrong with him? And most importantly, what was wrong with me?
Climbing up the steps, I was so out of it, distracted by own internal rant, that I didn't see my foot trip over something. So there was nothing I could do to prevent myself from slamming my face on the stone steps as I went flying into them.
"OW!" Groaning, I clutched my face and rolled over to see a human being sitting in front of me. The one human I thought I wouldn't see was inches away from my throbbing face.
"WHY IS IT ALWAYS YOU
?" I whined horribly. "Why is it always my face?"
He helped me off the ground to a sitting position. "You okay?"
Rubbing my nose, I shrugged and leaned back against the frigid stone wall. "Yeah, I guess I'm fine…What are you doing up here?"
"I was looking for you."
"Great." I scowled knowing that wasn't a good thing, "Well you found me. What do you want to say to me?"
He's going to say it. He's going to say after everything… I'm not worth it. That it's too complicated. He's going to say that I'm too much trouble and he can't let go of what my family did. And then my heart sank as I realized in horror that I was right. His face said it all and the second I saw the guilt in his cloudy eyes I had to look away from him. I couldn't bear to be anywhere near him, but I stuck it out. If he was going to say it. He was going to say it to my face.
"I've had these feelings…that make no sense for awhile now." He confessed looking determinedly at the stone step between us. "But now that I've seen the memories and saw what your father did…" His eyes floated to my eyes and I wished to god they didn't. Because the minute they did my heat broke in my chest. "This doesn't make sense. We are leaving soon. So maybe it's better we just ignore this and go back to the way things were."
"Tomorrow we're getting our memories back." I told him.
His jaw tightened, as his light eyes dropped in an emotion I didn't understand. "It won't change anything. We just…are too different
. This whole thing started as a ploy. Let's leave it there."
"Let's leave it there
?" I breathed in echo of his words, giving him a look of detachment. "Well then I guess, I'll see you tomorrow, and the day after that, but when you look back on this and try to think you were just doing the right thing. Remember what you feel right now." I stood up determinedly and walked back down the stairs. My eyes burned with tears but I didn't let them fall.
He may have just seen it as walking away from a situation that never was going to work. I saw it as him reinforcing every negative opinion I had of myself. Every little insecurity I worried a male would eventually feel or think about me he just said. It would have been different if he had waited till we had our memories back and realized he didn't love me at all. But he didn't think I was worth the wait and it killed me.
I've had guys cheat on me. I've had a boyfriend that left me for another girl. I've had a boyfriend date someone right after we broke up. But it never hurt like this
. I always knew with all of them that no matter what they did I wouldn't depend on them enough for them to hurt me. In those memories….I saw how much I loved him
. Lauren was right. It was obvious to everyone how I felt. I never knew that I could feel that much about someone else. It was this passionate, destructible feeling running through me fueling me. Before it was always something that I could control, something I could give up. But now I didn't have a choice. He made the choice for me and that was it.
When I got back to my dorm I didn't mean to cry, but I didn't bother to stop myself when it happened. I needed to cry. I needed to cry hard. So in the secrecy of my room, behind my bed I allowed myself to cry harder than I ever had before. Not over a boy, but over how I let the boy mean this much to me. That's the thing they forget to mention when they talk about how great those forbidden romance's are. They forget that most of the couples either break up or die, because there's no way that kind of passion can last. There's no way two people would give up everything for each other. No one loves another person enough to give up everything for them. But Malfoy proved that he doesn't even think I'm worth fighting for. And for that I'll hate him forever.
Wiping the tears off my face furiously I sank into the floor. Closing my eyes, I saw nothing, but the damaged, tortured look of his face. I couldn't look at his face without wanting to scream at him, even in my head. So instead I focused on what I was going to say to my father at the meeting tomorrow. To be honest I don't think I'll say a single thing to him. All I want are my memories back. After that…I don't care what happens to any of them. All I want is to get out of this place in one piece. Months ago that seemed easy enough, but now it seemed like it was impossible. Not with my current track record anyway.
So, I made a new goal. I hoped one day I wouldn't think of him every second of every day and want to cry whenever I saw him. That was a goal I was more than slightly interested in accomplishing. That was a goal I was going to accomplish. I breathed carefully. I was going to be okay. I didn't need him. What I needed was to get my priorities straight. I was going to focus on school and being a good Head Girl. Enough of this boy bullshit. I can date after I get my career lined up and my life together. Right now, clearly, it is just not the right time for me to be with anyone.
Not bothering to climb back on my bed, I instead grabbed my blanket from the bed above me and pulled it on me along with my pillow. Starring at the ceiling, tears still flowed down my cheeks as the darkness of the room seemed to hover over me. I would be fine, I told myself resolutely over and over again, until I fell asleep.
I will update as soon as I can. I've already finished the next few chapters so I will post as soon as the site permits me to do so. The song in the summary is Impossible By: Shontelle
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