Chapter 2 : The Lily Evans Appreciation Group
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Two: The Lily Evans Appreciation Group
“Morris, you shall shadow me from class to class as from this moment,” I announce at the first breakfast of the school year. Morris often sits with me at the Ravenclaw table due to the fact that nobody in Gryffindor house knows he’s alive. Merlin knows I wouldn’t know he exists had I not accidentally sat on him on the train on my first day of second year.
I do wish he wouldn’t question my plan. It seems so unprofessional.
“Just do as I say.”
He doesn’t argue. He never does. As a minion, he is top notch. As a person, rather dreary. Perhaps I should dress him in brighter colours so he stands out more.
Having Morris shadow me from class to class is my first step in my plan to wooing Lily Evans. The reason for this is twofold. Firstly, I shall need to keep my friends close and enemies closer in this battle for Lily’s affections. I am not the only man in Hogwarts competing for her heart, unfortunately, but as some bloke once said, the course of true love never did run smooth.
Or maybe no bloke ever said that. I think I’ve just thought that up myself. Not to be boastful or anything, but it sounds fantastic. Perhaps I should be a poet.
“Morris!” I exclaim. “It has just occurred to me that the course of true love never did run smooth.”
I expect him to fall at my feet in admiration. He doesn't.
“Yeah, that occurred to Shakespeare too,” he responds.
Note to self: slap Morris for insolence later.
This is the second reason I need Morris to accompany me from class to class. He is my own personal secretary, and will take a mental note of all of my fabulous ideas, which could occur to me at any point in the day. I shall need him there in case something should slip my mind after I’ve thought of it. That’s happened before.
When Lily Evans enters the Great Hall for breakfast, I take note of my most obvious competitors. The first is sitting at the Slytherin table: Severus Snape. He’s perhaps the only person in Hogwarts less attractive than Morris. He looks up from his miserable bowl of porridge, his long greasy hair hanging over his ugly face, as he gazes longingly at the girl who will always be out of his league. Really, Snape is the least of my worries.
Lily takes a seat beside Sirius Black. Black is a ladies’ man: it takes one to know one after all! However, I do not think he has a romantic interest in my fair lady, simply because of James Potter’s ridiculous infatuation with her. He is competitor number two. Again, I have little to worry about with Potter. Like I’ve already pointed out, he is a mutant, and a rather stupid one at that. Even uglier than Morris and Snape put together. He’s gangly, for one, and his hair is messy and really could do with a good shave. And he wears glasses. He plays Quidditch and is constantly making jokes and playing pranks. He wears Muggle attire most of the time, despite the fact that he is pureblood, and he makes this point of fighting anyone who tried to insult Muggleborns. He is Quidditch Captain and Head Boy and he’s a Gryffindor.
What a loser.
As if girls actually go for any of that. No, I’m not worried about him. If Lily Evans ever even gave Potter so much as a second glance, I’d kiss Morris!
Finally, competitor number three is a Hufflepuff. I find it highly fitting that there is one of us from each house. His name is Ivan Worthington and probably my biggest competition. He has expressed an interest in Lily since maybe fifth year, although as a Hufflepuff he has neither the brains nor the brawn nor the ambition to actually ask her to be his girlfriend. However, he is rather handsome. Not as handsome as me, obviously, but he is a rather sharp dresser.
Note to self: Ask Ivan Worthington where he buys his waistcoats.
My plan starts falling perfectly into place when I am put sitting beside Ivan in Charms that afternoon.
I suppose I should first tell you what my plan actually is. It is a rather ingenious plan, if I do say so. It is called the Lily Evans Appreciation Plan. I shall form a group, a sort of secret society, and I will invite Ivan, Severus and Potter to join. Then, we shall all make a vow that none of us will ever go out with Lily Evans, rather appreciate her from afar, so that we can all remain friends together. Then, when all of my competitors have agreed not to try to woo her, I shall swoop in and steal Lily Evans for myself!
“Good afternoon, Ivan!” I greet my brown-eyed competitor.
“Hi Gilderoy,” he responds. Ah, so friendly. He shall be rather easy to walk over. “Good summer?”
“Splendid!” I tell him. “A Death Eater came to my house, and I fought him off with just one curse. Impressive, eh?”
“Did you really?” he gasps in awe. I’m used to people being in awe of me. Morris is in a constant state of awe. “My aunt was tortured by one of them a few months back,” he goes on sadly. “But she’s alright now.”
“Well, enough small talk,” I press on urgently. “Are you still interested in Lily Evans?”
He looks surprised at my bluntness, and begins to blush.
“She’s very nice,” he says, “But I’m actually going out with somebody else at the minute. Sarah Pond, she’s a fifth year.”
“Ah, I see,” I say, feigning interest. Clearly his standards have dropped significantly. “So you won’t be pursuing Lily Evans at all this year?”
“No, I shouldn’t think so...”
“Wonderful!” I exclaim loudly, and the small man teaching the class tells me to be quiet.
Note to self: destroy Filius Flitwick.
With Ivan Worthington as a potential ally, maybe even friend, I decide to tackle Severus Snape next. Morris and I find him in the library, his nose practically touching the book he is studying. For fear some of the grease from his hair might get on my clothes, I keep a safe distance from him when I approach him. He doesn't look up from the book he is reading, even when I cough loudly three times.
“Severus,” I whisper loudly. One can only whisper in the library, and since I do love to chat, and my voice sounds so wonderful, I never really come here.
He looks up slowly from his book. I don’t know why I see this man as a threat. He truly is hideous. Everything about him is dark and oily and creepy. Still, I’m here now, I might as well follow through with my plan.
“Sorry to interrupt you old chap!” I whisper brightly. “Hoping to have a chat!”
He continues to glare at me, like a deaf mute.
“Good summer?” I attempt.
Still staring. Freaky.
“Um, anyway, I was just hoping to talk to you about Lily Evans!”
His eyes narrows and his face contorts into what I can only describe as an evil expression, as if he is plotting my death.
“I know you like her, and I find her quite intriguing myself –”
“I do not like Lily Evans,” he hisses viciously. “Never speak to me again.”
I don’t think he wants to be my friend. I doubt he wants to join my club.
“Come along, Morris!” I click my fingers and Morris follows me out of the library.
“That went well,” Morris says.
“No it didn’t,” I say, rolling my eyes. “God, Morris, you are so stupid. Still, at least we don’t have to worry about him trying to steal Lily. All that leaves is...”
“Potter,” Morris finishes.
“Indeed! To the Great Hall!” I exclaim loudly, and Madam Pince shushes me. I mentally add her to my list of people to destroy.
Morris and I head for the Great Hall, as dinner is now commencing. Potter is sitting with my Lily, and when he says something, she laughs at him. Ha! He is so pathetic, she is laughing! This should be no problem. He doesn't stand a chance with her.
With my head held high, I approach them, with Morris at my side holding my schoolbag. He’s good for that sort of thing, holding stuff and the like.
“Lily!” I greet her loudly and forcefully. This is how I am establishing myself as the alpha male. I read about it once in a nature book. It’s bound to work.
“Oh, hello Gilderoy,” she smiles up at me, and my heart might have just skipped a beat. However, as a true alpha male, I don’t show it. “Did you have a nice summer?”
“Glorious, thank you,” I tell her. “I killed a werewolf, would you believe!”
Remus Lupin looks impressed with this. He and the small fat chap start to laugh even. Such nice fellows.
“James, may I speak with you in private for a moment?”
Potter looks from Lily to Black to Lupin and the fat chap. He seems confused. It really doesn't take much to confuse him, apparently.
“Er...I suppose so...”
I lead him from the Great Hall with Morris in toe.
“James.” I stare at him, straightening myself up as tall as I can with my hands on my hips, further asserting my masculinity. He is intimidated. He is too afraid to even show how intimidated he is.
“What’s your name again?” he asks me.
How. Dare. He.
Note to self: maim James Potter.
“I am Gilderoy Lockhart!” I assert.
“Oh, right, sorry.”
Oh you will be sorry, Potter. You will be sorry.
“I wish to talk to you about Miss Evans,” I get straight to the point.
“Lily?” He looks surprised. “What about her?”
“It’s no secret that you are infatuated with her,” I say coolly. “And I’m just here to tell you that you have competition for her heart: me.”
He purses his lips together. He is either really angry, or trying not to laugh. I’d imagine he’s angry.
“Oh...right,” he says. “You like Lily too.”
“However, I was thinking that you and I could perhaps form a sort of truce. A Non-Aggression Pact of sorts. If you agree not to pursue her, I shall agree to the same. What do you think?”
Potter folds his arms. He’s considering what I am saying.
“So you’re asking me not to go out with Lily?” he confirms.
“And if I do that, you promise you won’t go out with her either?”
“Absolutely, old chap!”
He smiles, though his smile looks like more of a smirk. He then extends his hand out.
“Deal,” he grins.
I shake his hand and match his ugly grin with my dazzling smile.
“Pleasure doing business with you, James!”
What a fool.
Disclaimer: Everything you recognise belongs to JKR! And that Shakespeare quote obviously belongs to him. I am neither Shakespeare or JKR...or am I? (No, I'm not.)