Chapter 3 : This Shall (Not) Be Fun
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I’m not sure who ‘they’ are, but dear God, they’re absolutely mental.
Because if there is one thing that I am not feeling for Oliver Wood at this moment, it’s love. Not that I’ve ever felt that for him, but honestly. Oliver’s crazy level is larger than Gilderoy Lockhart’s ego in a room full of mirrors.
I mean, I guess I don’t exactly hate him. Hate is an extremely strong word and far too close to love for my liking.
Actually, scratch that.
I hate him right now.
He’s a psychopathic control whore who feels a need to torture everyone around him. I swear to Godric, if we weren’t standing on a precarious ledge fifty metres up the side of Gryffindor Tower, I would kick him. I may not like the bloke, but I don’t want him to plummet to his death.
What? No! What am I thinking?
Do you see what he does to me?
He brings out my inner crazy. And I think we all agree that’s something the world never wants to see.
“Get on. The broom,” Oliver says stonily.
“Really? You’re going to argue with me about this?”
“My God, you are the most irritating -”
“Oh, you want to know about irritating? Let me tell you about irritating,” I hiss furiously. “Irritating is getting woken up at five o’clock in the morning by a bloke you can’t stand to play a sport you can’t stand for no bloody reason!”
Oliver clenches his jaw as he stares at me. “The reason is for the good of our house.”
“No, the reason is that you are obsessed with winning and can’t stand the thought of someone beating you again despite the fact that you only lost last year because your Seeker was in the Hospital Wing!”
“Just get on the broom,” he growls.
“Either you get on of your own free will or I make you.”
“You can’t make me do anything,” I say as I poke him viciously in the chest.
“Is that a challenge?”
“What? No, it’s not a sodding - WOOD!”
I struggle helplessly as he effortlessly picks me up again. Damn him and his bleeding Quidditch muscles.
“You were saying?” His lip twitches into the early workings of a smirk as he stares down at me in his arms.
“Put. Me. Down. Now.”
“Well,” he begins, “I could, but that would defeat the whole purpose of the situation. So I don’t think I will.”
“Do you know how much I despise you right now?”
He ponders my question as he swings his leg over the broom, manoeuvring my body carefully so that I’m seated but can’t escape from his arms.
“I’m guessing you despise me more than Satan, Flobberworms, Slytherins, and Quidditch?”
“Ding ding ding! We have a winner! I was also going to include -”
My words are lost in the rush of air as Oliver kicks off from the ledge and into the air. I frump in annoyance and glare at the grass below us. Stupid grass. Why does it have to be so bloody green?
“See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Oliver says as we reach the abnormally green grass.
I answer him in a way that any sane person would: I bite his arm.
“Ow! What the - are you biting me?”
In response, I bite harder.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he screams as he whips his arms away from me.
I dart off of the broom, free of my prison, and scamper nimbly up the hillside and back towards the castle.
I’ve found that biting people actually works remarkably well in most situations. You don’t want to play Quidditch? Bite the bloke holding you hostage. You don’t want to clean your room? Bite the man who claims to be your father. You don’t want to write your Ancient Runes essay? Bite Percy Weasley until he does it for you. Actually, you can bite Percy Weasley even if you don’t have an Ancient Runes essay. That is not a necessary requirement.
Point is, the bite is a tool that any young lady should have in her repertoire.
I glance back over my shoulder quickly and see Oliver examining his arm. I’m nearly home free by this point. And that, my friends, is how Lexi Covington does it.
“Honestly, Lex. Did you think you could outrun a broom?” Oliver asks as he hops off of his broom in front of me.
Damn. I forgot he had a broom.
“From the look on your face, I’m going to say that you forgot I had a broom?”
Damn. I forgot how good he is at figuring me out.
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’ Now turn your feisty little self around and march on back to the Quidditch pitch,” Oliver says in quite a demeaning tone.
I don’t respond well to demeaning.
Oliver seems to sense what I’m planning and scuttles backwards, out of the reach of my foot.
Damn. I forgot he knows that I like to kick people.
Well, I guess that one’s not really a secret.
“No,” I say firmly.
“I thought we had an understanding here -”
“Yeah, we do have an understanding,” I fire back at him. “And you know what? Go ahead and tell FrednGeorge. I don’t care. I really don’t. I’d rather have them tease me for a few weeks than have to wake up to this every morning. So go ahead, Oliver. Go right ahead and do it.”
“Are - are you serious?”
“Do I look like I’m joking?”
He shrugs. “Fine. Have it your way.” And then he brushes past me on his way down to the Quidditch pitch.
Oh my God. He’s actually going to do it.
I didn’t think he really would. I - I thought he was bluffing.
Damn. I forgot that Oliver Wood never bluffs. Which is actually a good thing, if you’re playing poker with him. Makes it easy to kick his arse. But right now, not so much.
No. I don’t care. Let him go. It’s got to be better than this.
I wander on back to the Gryffindor common room, too wound up to go back to sleep now. Instead, I change out of my pyjamas and then decide to get a head start on my Transfiguration essay. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do. All of my friends are asleep.
Well, if you can call them friends.
What ‘friend’ hands you over to a certifiable head case on a tiny ledge fifty metres up in the air at five o’clock in the bloody morning?
By the time I place the last period at the end of my essay, it’s ten o’clock and most of the residents of Gryffindor Tower have gone to breakfast. I’m just about to go check the girls’ dorm when Chloe comes wandering down the stairs, blonde hair tangled into a rat’s nest on the top of her head.
“Morning, Lex,” she yawns, plopping down in the chair across the table from me.
“Morning,” I mutter.
“Back from Quidditch already?”
“Didn’t go to Quidditch.”
“Andrew and Justin?”
“Go wake them up?”
“On it,” I say, pushing up from my chair and ambling towards the staircase that leads to the boys’ dormitories.
Oh yes, the beauty and verboseness of morning conversations between Lexi Covington and Chloe Everson. Quite the masters of rhetoric, we are.
I kick open the door to the sixth year boys’ dorm as noisily as possible and glance around the room curiously. It’s not like the guys to sleep in this late on a weekend. Usually they’re up and about by now, ready to wreak havoc on the castle (and Percy, naturally).
Two of the four posters are vacated. One of them is neatly made, the other has covers and sheets spewing out of it like some kind of angry bed volcano (Percy and Oliver’s beds, respectively). The other two four posters are clearly occupied, the hangings drawn shut around them.
Andrew and Justin. This shall be fun.
“Oi! Prats! Get your arses out of bed!” I yell as I yank back the curtains.
Andrew and Justin moan in unison, covering their eyes and attempting to re-close their hangings. Fat chance.
They moan again, and Andrew clutches at his head with his hands. “Leave us alone, Lex,” he groans.
I squint suspiciously at their figures as they both crawl underneath the sheets. “What did you two do last night?”
“Nothing,” Andrew responds from beneath his covers.
“Drank. A lot,” Justin informs me in a rough voice.
“Do we need a reason?” asks Andrew.
“I suppose not. Just wondering.” I plop down on his bed and pull the covers back.
Andrew’s very annoyed and hung over face peeks back at me. “Go away, Lex. I’ve got a splitting headache, pain everywhere, and I think I might throw up.”
“And you aren’t helping things,” Justin adds.
“Fine. But don’t let Perce catch you,” I call cheerfully over my shoulder as I exit.
Something’s really off with them. I mean, yeah, I know they drink and everything, but they usually have a reason for it. It’s not like them to randomly go out and get completely plastered on any old school night. Especially not when Percy’s on such a rampage to catch all rule-breakers.
Blokes. I don’t understand them.
“Where are the boys?” Chloe asks as soon as I re-enter the common room.
“Upstairs, hung over. They both got pissed last night.”
“Well, I’m heading down to breakfast. You coming?”
Chloe grimaces and shakes her head, pawing at the clump of knots on her head. “Not looking like this. Meet you down there in ten?”
“Sounds good,” I say as we both head in our separate directions.
Once I reach the Great Hall, I bang down at the Gryffindor table unceremoniously and dive into my daily breakfast of eggs and toast with jam. It is at this point that I realise today is going to be a horrible day.
Because resident Ravenclaw manwhore and prat extraordinaire, Danny Kershaw, is for some reason finding it necessary to sit next to me.
“Sod off, Danny,” I spit out as I take a bite of my toast.
“Why, good morning to you too, love,” he says, filling his plate with food. This indicates that he thinks he will be sitting here for a while.
He thought wrong.
“I said, sod off.”
“Yes, and I ignored you.”
“Shouldn’t you be sitting at the Ravenclaw table with your little protégé?”
“Who? Davies? Nah, he can handle himself,” Danny says as he leans towards me. “I’m much more interested in sitting with you.”
I flick my eyes over him quickly as he musses up his hair. Ah, yes. Danny Kershaw. A fine specimen of man. Thick chestnut hair, gorgeous blue eyes, fit figure, and quite possibly the biggest bastard on the planet.
“You had your shot last year, Danny boy, and you blew it. So for the last time, sod off.”
Danny flashes me a toothy grin and leans a bit closer. “Ah, come on now, Lex. You’ll have to forgive me for that. I honestly didn’t remember snogging you. I was drunk, wasn’t I?”
“You weren’t that drunk,” I respond scathingly.
“Give me another chance,” he says, placing a hand on my thigh. A bit too far up my thigh, if you ask me. He really doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries.
“No. And I don’t understand why you’re so interested in me all of a sudden.”
“Because, Lexi, my mate Noel over there wants to snog you. You were mine first, and I don’t like to share my toys. That’s just how things work. So let’s have a little kiss for Noel to see and then we can spend a little private time together, yeah?”
First of all - NOEL! GAH HE LOOKS SO CUTE TODAY AND HE WANTS TO SNOG ME AND OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS COMPLETE.
(Well, it will be after he actually does said snogging.)
Second of all - eugh. This boy gives me the creeps. He is seriously messed up in the head if he thinks that I want to jump his bones right now. He may be attractive, but his conceitedness is just... eugh. Honestly, his ego is enough to make me not want to snog him. And trust me, that is a very difficult feat to achieve. Because holy mother of Merlin, Danny is fit.
“Danny,” I say seriously, “if you do not leave within the next thirty seconds, I will not hesitate to bite you.”
And the bite returns! I told you it was useful.
Danny gives me a once over and slams his goblet down on the table. “Dammit, Lex, why won’t you just snog me already?”
“Because, Kershaw, you are a complete and absolute git.”
“What part of ‘you are a complete and absolute git’ do you not understand?”
“The part where you won’t snog me.”
This boy does not give up.
“Fine! You wanna know why I won’t snog you, Danny? Because I have a boyfriend.”
That should shut him up. I mean, yes, he is a git, but he does have some morals. I know for a fact that he never fools around with another guy’s girl.
“Really?” Danny cocks an eyebrow at me in disbelief. “Who?”
“Er - uh -”
“That’s what I thought,” he says triumphantly.
Damn. I didn’t think this one through well enough. Stupid bloody Ravenclaws and their stupid bloody questions.
Wait - I can still do this. I just need to find one of the guys. They’ll do it for me. Especially since they all apparently check out my arse. Yeah. I can do this.
All right. Come on, boys. Be useful for once. I need you. Justin. Andrew. Please. Hell, I’ll even take -
I mean, he’s already told FrednGeorge that we snogged, hasn’t he? So this should be no big deal. With FrednGeorge knowing, everyone’s going to find out eventually. People will just think it’s this snog they’re talking about.
I stand up and walk slowly towards Oliver, a wicked grin plastered on my face. He peers at me warily as I approach, sensing that something’s afoot.
“Lex, why are you looking at me like that?”
My grin widens and I reach a hand behind his neck, pulling his head down towards me.
“Just play along,” I whisper at his ear.
And then I snog him.
Right in the middle of the Great Hall.
Dear God, I’ve gone mental.
Oliver flinches away slightly, but I just tug him closer. He reluctantly relaxes and moves his hands to my waist, leaning into the kiss.
This is so weird.
I pull away and spin around to face Danny as I grab Oliver’s hand. He appears to be in a state of shock. Can’t say that I blame him, though. I’d probably be a bit freaked out, too.
“Just play along,” I whisper again as I quite literally drag him towards a dumbstruck Danny. “Oliver. Oliver is my boyfriend.”
Merlin, that sounds so wrong.
“Wha-” Oliver splutters. I silence him with a discrete stomp on his foot. “Er - I mean - yeah?”
Danny frowns as he takes in the sight of the pair of us. “Really? You two?”
“We can hardly keep our hands off of each other,” I spit out through gritted teeth.
Mental images. Oh, no. Horrid mental images.
“Fine, Lex. I’ll leave you alone. For now.” And with that, he heads back on over to the Ravenclaw table.
“What the hell was that?” Oliver hisses, wrenching his hand out of mine and plopping down on the bench.
“Hey! Watch it! Danny’s still looking,” I shoot back, taking a seat beside him and leaning my head onto his shoulder.
“Who bloody cares?”
“I do. Put your arm around me.”
“Do it. Now.”
“Why? What is going on here?”
“Just do what I say and then I’ll explain. Trust me, I would not be asking you to do this if I had any other option.”
“But Lex, I don’t -”
He huffs and moves his arm around my shoulder. “Happy?”
“No, not really. I could never be happy when I’m in such a close proximity to you.”
“Ha. You’re so bloody hilarious. Now would you please -”
“Wait,” I say, holding up a finger as I stare intently at the Ravenclaw table. Danny and Noel are talking, and Noel glances over at us with a look of disbelief sketched on his face. He shakes his head and mutters something to Danny, who smirks and stands up.
No no no no no. He cannot come back over here.
“Snog me,” I whisper frantically.
“What? Lexi, what the hell is happening right now?”
Danny’s getting closer.
“Er - Danny Kershaw’s an arse and he won’t leave me alone so I told him I have a boyfriend and you’re the first guy friend that I saw so now just shut up and snog me.”
A look of confusion crosses of Oliver’s face as he glances at the approaching figure of Danny.
“Dear God, Oliver, I don’t have time for your tiny brain to figure out all of this. Just stop thinking and snog me,” I hiss.
He stares at me for a second and shrugs. “Okay.”
Then he snogs me. A lot.
And I snog him back. A lot.
Merlin, this is so messed up.
But, damn. I mean... damn. Boy can snog.
Woah, woah, woah. What is that? That better not be his tongue. I will kill him -
Oh, sod it all.
I’m already snogging him, might as well make it good.
From the corner of my eye I catch Danny fume out of the Great Hall.
Fantastic. Everything worked according to plan. See? I can plan things out. I’m not a complete moron.
Of course, Noel’s still looking at us.
He wanted to snog me. And now he thinks I have a boyfriend -
I’ll never get to snog him now.
Well, isn’t this just smashing.
Wait one bloody second.
I’m still snogging Oliver.
Why am I still snogging Oliver?
I pull away and gasp for breath. Oliver’s face turns a bright shade of red and he takes to gulping down pumpkin juice.
“You owe me,” he says after he puts his goblet down. “You owe me big time.”
“Please. Like you didn’t enjoy it.”
“That’s irrelevant. You still owe me.”
Okay, ew. I did not need to know that.
“Oh? Why? Because you had to snog me twice in the Great Hall?”
Oliver’s eyes narrow as he looks at me. “Don’t you understand?”
He smacks his palm to his forehead and lets out a breath of frustration. “You are not very good at planing things out, Lex. It’s no wonder you weren’t in Ravenclaw.”
“What?” I demand.
“You think that was it? You think we’re done? News flash, Lex. Danny’s smart. If we completely avoid each other now, he’s going to figure that we either broke up or we were faking in the first place. And you know what that means, don’t you? That means he’s going to be all over you. Because if there’s one thing I know about Danny Kershaw, it’s that he never gives up when he’s got his eye on something.”
I drop my head into my hands as his words sink in. “Dear God,” I moan.
“Yeah. It wasn’t just two times in the Great Hall. It’s going to be until some other bird catches his eye.”
Gag me. Now.
“You owe me,” he repeats.
I peek up at him from between my fingers. “Or you could just do it because you’re such a good guy and -”
“Stuff it, Lex. Here’s the deal. I’ll be your fake boyfriend or whatever until Danny moves on. But you have to join the Quidditch team.”
“Wood! No! I just got out of your bleeding black mail -”
“You join, or I dump you right in front of our good friend Danny boy.”
“I hate you,” I growl as I glare at him.
“Uh, no you don’t. Well, not in public at least.”
I want to punch him.
“That’s just low, Wood.”
“Hey, I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do. Gryffindor will win this year. Do we have a deal or not?”
All right, Lex. Think this through carefully. What’s worse - Danny trying to shag you for a year or playing Quidditch for a year?
Well, I bet Danny’s actually quite a good -
What the hell am I thinking? He’s a fricking sleaze-ball!
“Fine. Deal,” I mutter.
“Oh, FrednGeorge will be pleased,” Oliver says with a smirk.
Damn. I forgot about FrednGeorge.
“Especially after what I told them this morning,” he continues on.
I slam my head on the table.
Oliver’s smirk widens.
“Can’t we just tell them it’s fake?” I moan.
“Oh, that’s another thing,” he exclaims brightly. “No, we can’t. They’re the biggest blabs in school - we tell them, Danny is sure to find out in less than a day.”
He’s right. I hate it when he’s right. And that means...
“We can’t tell anyone. Especially not Chloe,” he says, lifting an eyebrow.
Damn. I forgot about Chloe, too.
Really, what is with me today?
Oliver chuckles as he stares down at my depressed and dejected figure. “Oh, this shall be fun.”
A/N: Hiiii! I know. It took me forever to update. I had writer’s block, okay? But I’m back! Hopefully you all haven’t given up on me. Does this chapter make up for me being such a horrible updater? I hope so. Because we got Oliver/Lexi going on, more black mail, and drunk boys. Who’s curious as to why they were out drinking last night? Ooh, and Danny. He was mentioned in chapter two, in case you don’t remember because I’m a terrible updater and took forever :/ Yeah, Danny’s a real charmer, isn’t he? Well, that’s it for now. Tell me what you think. I promise the next update won’t take three months. Pinky promise. Legit stuff, right there. BYE!
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