^from soufflegirl99! isn't it awesome?! :3
I am Dobby’s sock. I’m so cool.
I was sitting on my velvet cushion one day, admiring my handsome face in a mirror from afar, when I spotted something that caused my insides to shrivel up with dismay and horror. There is a hole in my head. A large, disgusting, threadbare hole. And I realised that I wasn’t a particularly young sock anymore. In fact, I’m getting on to be quite an old sock.
That doesn’t affect my fabulosity though. Of course it doesn’t; I shall always be so hot that people will need to wear sun cream if they want to come within ten feet of me. No, I will always be awesome. For as long as I live… But what happens when I unravel completely? The poor fans will miss their inspirational leader terribly. So I have decided to write an autobiography. I call it ‘Sock: The Adventure.’ People will flock to the bookshops to buy it and I shall become even richer and more famous than I already am! I mean, come on, a writing sock. That’s pretty incredible, huh? Magical, you could say. Haha, geddit? No? I am highly offended and will now call my minions in to chop your head off. Rule number one for this autobiography thingy: the reader shall always laugh at my jokes, and if they don’t they shall be beheaded. I still can’t hear you laughing…Oh yeah, that’s because you’re reading this online and I am thousands of miles away up in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland. Och, me hearties, ye old haggis. Blistering, blithering baboon! Cockroach cupcakes! I have the best insults, don’t I? Rule number two: the reader must always agree with the sock, or they shall be beheaded. I’m sure we’re all going to become great friends!
Now, what do people do first when they meet? They introduce themselves, of course! Where are your manners? Good day, my name is Sock. You may call me Your Royal Coolness. I shall call you Doris. You can be my pet. As long as you’re not a cat; I’m allergic to cats.
Now that we’re all properly acquainted, let the story begin. Erm…how do you write a story? I’ve never done this before. Oh, I remember.
Once upon a time there was a little baby sock called Sock. His mother was poor and so Sock flew to Neverland and fought the lost boys before growing a beanstalk and killing the Three Bears, thus becoming supreme ruler of the universe. The End.
Ok, my autobiography is done. Personally, I think it’s a fine work of literature. Now I shall call up my devoted House Elf friend, Dobby, to get me some chocolate chip cookies dipped in tuna. Yum.
Three hours later.
I am in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry kitchens. Now I wouldn’t normally be down in such a vulgar, common place but duties call, and it gives all these hard working house elves a morale boost when they realise that they have been graced by the presence of practically a God in the wizarding world. Me, by the way.
So I was sitting upon my velvet cushion once more, regarding the busy cooking and breathing in the heavenly smell of melting chocolate, when a sudden commotion at one end of the room turned my regal eye. I could not see over the heads of the gathering elves, but was privy to the cries of,
“Harry Potter, sir!”
“Sir, it is an honour-“
It took me a moment to register what was happening. Harry Potter? In the kitchens? He must have come back for me! To reclaim me! He will have missed me so much. Sometimes a noble deed, like freeing a pesky house elf, backfires upon the doer of the deed and they end up missing their faithful sock. I couldn’t stop a smug grin from spreading across my face. Together we would rule the world once more! And maybe it’s too much to wish for, but Harry might still have my other half. The sock he didn’t give to Dobby. My pair… But pah, I don’t need her. It’s not like she was particularly special to me. Not at all. I concentrated on making my velvet cushion as plump as possible so that Harry would be so proud of his loyal sock that he’d burst. Or at least smile. Maybe a wink would do? Anything!
Footsteps announced the arrival of the saviour. He had a small girl with him who he was talking to,
“I shouldn’t really be showing you this Lily, but when you come to Hogwarts yourself next year it might be useful,” he smiled fondly at her.
“I love it here! I want to stay here forever and ever!” the little girl, Lily, announced, puffing up her chest. Harry ruffled her hair proudly and winked at her.
No! He’s given this ugly girl a smile, a proud look and a wink! Those are rightfully mine! I glared at the girl, and she pointed at me,
“Yuck! What’s a smelly old sock doing on a velvet cushion like that? I want that velvet cushion daddy.” Smelly? Old? How dare she! I am calling my minions to chop off her head. But daddy? This snotty brat could never be the great Harry Potter’s daughter. And I’d just like to see her try taking my cushion. But Harry just smiled and addressed Dobby,
“Can Lils have the cushion, Dobby?” No she can’t! I yelled at him. Am I invisible here? But Dobby, the traitorous dog, swept me to one side and handed the girl my cushion! No! This was turning into my worst nightmare.
After the devil had been laden with tasty treats, father and daughter ambled out of the kitchen. Harry Potter turned round at the last minute and looked at me. At last! He was going to exclaim and remember who I was any minute now! I imagined the love and attention soon to fill the rest of my days. Who could prefer a snotty, bratty, selfish human girl over me? But to my horror he wrinkled his nose,
“Dobby chuck that sock away. It’s really not a hygienic thing to have in the kitchen.” Dobby saluted,
“Yes Harry potter, sir. Of course, right away sir.” I felt despair fill my body as Harry walked away into the distance and I was dumped into a bag with fish heads and potato peelings. Things weren’t currently looking so great for me.
But I’m sure that Harry will come back for me in a second. Maybe a minute. Possibly an hour tops. Yes, that’s what will happen. While I’m waiting I think I shall call for my minions to chop off a few heads.
Hey there! So you're probably feeling a bit like 'UM WHAT DID I JUST READ' but that's ok! Embrace the feeling! :3 This is basically a load of ... er, poo. But I had fun writing it all the same! Drop a review if you enjoyed it! -LWG