Chapter 1 : Voldemort's Christmas Surprise
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Unfortunately for Voldemort, his flatmate Darth Vader had strong armed him into joining a secret santa group with a few colleagues, and in a strange twist of fate, Voldemort had drawn the White Witch of Narnia. Forced to search for a suitable gift, Voldemort hid his face in his cloak as he reluctantly walked into a toy store. He passed by an intricate model train set that reminded him very much of the Hogwarts Express. Upon closer examination, the train passed through a detailed model of Hogsmeade, where a miniature banner was stretched across the replica of the Hog’s Head paying tribute to “Harry Potter, the defeater of the Dark Lord.”
Voldemort turned away in disgust as he walked by a wall full of action figures. Right in front of him, taunting him with its presence, was an entire wall of toy Harry Potters. He quickly scanned the shelves and found that Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Albus Dumbledore, even Dobby and Hedwig all had their own action figures. But there were no toy Voldemorts to be found.
As he quietly sulked through the aisle, his path was blocked by a young boy with a toy wand who proclaimed, “I am Harry Potter!”
Greatly incensed, Voldemort pulled back his hood to reveal his face and bellowed “Boo!”
The boy let out a scream as he dropped his toy wand and scampered away. I still got it, Voldemort proudly grinned to himself. After perusing the rest of the store and its disgusting amount of Harry Potter merchandise, he eventually picked out a stuffed toy lion to give to the White Witch. He appreciated the irony of buying a Christmas present for somebody who had banished Christmas from her realm, so he decided that buying a toy that represented her greatest foe would be a very nice double dose of irony. He briefly contemplated why he was enjoying being ironic so much, and if this meant that he was, in fact, a hipster.
Images of “Hipster Voldemort,” riding his bike with no gears and ironically listening to 90’s bands danced through his head as he walked back to his flat. As he walked through towards the door, he was shocked and appalled to see all his worldly possessions sitting in a neat pile in the hall. He angrily pounded on the door, demanding an explanation.
“What is the meaning of this?” he bellowed
The door opened as Darth Vader responded, “Your anger gives you strength, young Riddle. Fulfill your destiny, feel the power of the dark side.”
“We don’t have time for this, Anakin,” he sneered back.
“Look here Tom; you have not paid your rent in several months, so I was forced to make changes.” Vader explained.
“Make changes? And how will you pay rent on your own without me? I don’t see you out there working!”
Voldemort heard some mumbling and cursing in the background as the smoke from an overcooked burrito in the microwave began to fill the room and a wizard in white robes approached the doorway.
“Smoke rises from our microwave, the hour grows late, and now, Voldemort comes to our flat, seeking my counsel.” said the wizard in a deep, powerful voice.
“You replaced me with Saruman the White!??!” Voldemort yelled
“Saruman just signed a new deal to receive royalties from his films, so he, unlike you, will be able to pay rent.” Vader explained.
Voldemort sighed as a punched the wall in frustration. He then had an idea, “So, if you are here to give counsel, is there anything you can think of that I could do to make money?”
“You could make a Christmas special. If they replay it every year the royalties will never end.” Saruman suggested.
“I made a Christmas special once, but we won’t speak of that again.” added Vader.
Voldemort walked away in dejection, knowing that he was going to have to embrace his least favorite holiday.
Voldemort listened intently as his publicist, Rita Skeeter, evaluated his new idea.
“Well this is a very good idea, but unfortunately, its’ already too close to Christmas to be able to film a special in time. However, there is one option that remains that we could get done quickly. You may not like the sound of this, but if you’re really serious about making royalties, you can release a Christmas song.”
“What? Me, sing?” he spat in disgust.
“Actually, following the standard form of most pop songs, we will get an up and coming pop star to sing most of the song, all you have to do is rap one verse in the middle and dance around in the background a little bit, which I know you can do.”
Voldemort finally relented, “Fine, but I’d like to see what pop star would ever agree to this.”
Rita smiled, “Leave that, to me. Voldemort, I’d like you to meet Justinian Beaverton.”
Voldemort looked on in shock as a teenage boy with the type of obnoxious bowl cut hairstyle that first appeared in the 1960’s. Justinian Beaverton was well known as the greatest pop sensation in the magical world, and his famous image adorned posters in pretty much every girl’s dormitory in Hogwarts. His face never failed to be on the cover of the Daily Prophet, and his songs completely dominated the wizarding wireless airwaves.
Justinian scanned the room to make sure there were no paparazzi present, and then took a seat, propping his feet up on the table. He lit a cigarette and took a long swig from his flask of firewhiskey as he said in an annoyed tone, “Alright, Rita baby, let’s get this over with.”
“Wait, so if you’re so successful, what are you doing making a collaboration with me?” asked Voldemort.
“I need all the money I can get, I never realized how expensive child support can be.” explained Justinian.
Rita pulled out the scroll of parchment on which her Quick Quotes Quill had been hastily writing notes as she explained, “I think I have the perfect song for the two of you.”
Voldemort stood on the set of the music video with a look of disgust at the snow covered gingerbread houses in the background and the red Santa suit he was forced to wear. Justinian finished the last few drops of a firewhiskey bottle before tossing it aside and adjusting his microphone.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” Voldemort nervously protested.
“The cameras are about to roll, and you’re going to do just fine.” Rita stated firmly.
Voldemort sat on the steps of the gingerbread house and Justinian stood in front of him as the filming began. Voldemort winced as he recited his lines, “Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas?”
The background music started to play as Justinian began to sing Rita’s new original song, “I cannot tell you any lies, all I want is a Christmas surprise. I do not want a burger and fries; all I want is a Christmas surprise.”
Justinian sang several more verses and refrains as Voldemort sat and tapped his feet in the background. Finally, Justinian stopped singing and began to dance, signaling that it was time for Voldemort’s rap.
Voldemort grimaced as he began to rap the cringe-worthy lyrics, “Look into my snake- like eyes, and tell me what you want for your Christmas surprise. Although I may not have a nose, I’m full of jolly ho ho ho’s. If you don’t like it, you can take it to court, because even Santa won’t mess with Voldemort!”
A guitar riff began to play as Voldemort attempted a moon walk, something that wasn’t very hard for somebody who could fly without a broom. When the last note sounded, he and Justinian posed and made cheesy smiles towards the camera, hoping that their song would soon become a cash cow.
Voldemort strolled into the convenience store as he listened to the horrible Christmas tunes on the radio, but he was greatly taken aback when he suddenly heard his own song playing on the radio. He purchased a music magazine and looked through the latest charts, where he was absolutely thrilled to read, “#1 on the Holiday chart The Christmas Surprise by Justinian Beaverton featuring Voldemort”
With a bit of a spring in his step, Voldemort walked out into the street, thinking that maybe he was going to enjoy Christmas after all. But just as soon as he had that thought, he came to a stop as he was suddenly confronted by Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger facing him in the middle of the street.
Voldemort reached for his wand and stammered for a response when Harry surprised him by speaking up first.
“In the spirit of the season, we would like to put aside our past differences and share some holiday cheer. On behalf of the Golden Trio, I wish you a merry Christmas.”
Harry, Ron and Hermione each handed wrapped gifts to Voldemort before they turned and walked away. Voldemort was shocked by this display, and was now really starting to think that maybe he actually liked Christmas.
He hurriedly opened the long narrow package from Harry, only to discover that it was a painting of Harry Potter, triumphant in victory after Voldemort’s defeat. Voldemort then tore open Hermione’s present, which was a book, of course. His snakelike eyes squinted to read the title, which he saw was “The Decline and Fall of Voldemort by Bathilda Bagshot.” Ready to give up hope, he opened Ron’s present, which much to his relief simply contained a fresh, homemade apple pie. Voldemort quickly devoured the pie’s delicious goodness and rubbed his stomach in satisfaction. It was only then that he noticed the handwritten note on the bottom of the plate:
This pie contains the strongest ever dose of our classic product “You no poo” that has ever been produced. Merry Christmas, asshole.
The Weasley Family xoxoxoxoxxo
Voldemort threw the plate down in disgust as he remembered why he hated Christmas. He walked back onto the streets, ready for another year on the naughty list.