Chapter 1 : Why I'm Afraid of Spiders
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All the bad grammar and spelling mistakes are deliberate. They were done in order to convey Ron’s young age. I hope you enjoy it regardless though! Also, I changed the following words because I figured that they were too difficult for a three-year-old to pronounce:
Dubledoor = Dumbledore
Azban = Azkaban
The Cannons = The Chudley Cannons
Teddy was my best friend. He was sticky and had brown hair and smelled like ketchup. Me and Teddy played all the time. We climbed all the trees in the garden, even the big one. It was a biggest tree in the world. Teddy said I’d fall. I didn’t care. I climbed the tree and I fell and I cut my knee and I cried. Teddy said my leg needed to be chopped off. Mummy said it didn’t.
Me and Teddy’s favourite game was hunting. We got our wands from the big tree in the garden. I climbed up and got us wands from the tree. They was the best wands in the world. No one could beat our wands. When we had our wands we went hunting. We hunted all the time. We went to the woods and hunted all the bad wizards, just like Dubledoor did. The bad wizards eated death for breakfast and Dubledoor beated them all. Me and Teddy beated them all too. We hunted them every day and when we catched the bad wizards we locked them away in Azban and made them eat rats. Sometimes we let them go, but only sometimes.
On Fridays Daddy always brought us home Bertie Bott’s Beans. Me and Teddy would sneak some before Fred and George gobbled them all. I hated the black ones, because the black ones tasted bad, but it was OK ‘cause Teddy always eated the black ones. I eated all the others and he eated the black ones.
Fred and George got broomsticks for their birthday. They flied every day. They said that they was going to be the bestest Quidditch players in the world. They said they was going to play for the Cannons when they growed up. The Cannons was my favourite team. I was going to play for the Cannons. Fred and George wasn’t allowed to play for the Cannons because the Cannons was my team. I was going to play for the Cannons, not Fred and George.
Fred and George never let me and Teddy fly. Me and Teddy wanted to fly, we wanted to fly and hunt all the bad wizards that eated death for breakfast, but Fred and George never let us fly. They said me and Teddy was too small. They was just being mean. Me and Teddy was three now. We was not small.
Me and Teddy made a plan. We was going to use Fred and George’s broomsticks when they didn’t know. We would sneak into their room and take a broomstick and then we would fly to the woods and hunt all the bad wizards just like Dubledoor did. Me and Teddy would catch all the bad wizards so Mummy and Daddy and Ginny wouldn’t have to be scared anymore. Me and Teddy would beat all the bad wizards, just like Harry Potter beated You-Know-Who. Harry Potter was a baby and he beated You-Know-Who, but me and Teddy was three, we was miles older, so me and Teddy was going to beat all the bad wizards in the world, just like Dubledoor beated all the bad wizards who eated death for breakfast.
One day Fred leaved his broomstick in the garden because he was going out with Daddy to the shop. Me and Teddy looked at the broom lying on the ground for a long time. No one was watching. It was just me and Teddy. Teddy told me not to take the broom. Teddy said that Fred would get mad. But I didn’t care. Me and Teddy had our mission. He had to beat all the bad wizards so Mummy and Daddy and Ginny wouldn’t be scared anymore. We was three. We has old enough to help fight the bad wizards.
I picked up Fred’s broom. The broom sitted in the air. I wasn’t scared, but Teddy was. Teddy was very scared. But I told Teddy that we had to be brave like Dubledoor. We had to be brave and fight all the bad wizards. I sitted on the broom. Teddy holded my hand. Teddy was scared. He told me not to let go of his hand. He made me promise. I promised.
We flied around the garden with our wands from the tree. He flied around hunting for the bad wizards. But the bad wizards knowed we was looking for them, so they had hided behind the wall in the garden. That was where they was hiding. Teddy told me that we was not allowed to leave the garden, but I told Teddy we had to, because we had to catch all the bad wizards. I flied the broom to the wall. We was going to fly over the wall and hunt all the bad wizards. I shouted at the broom to fly higher. The broom wouldn’t listen. We flied to the wall. I closed my eyes. Teddy closed his eyes too. Then pain. We hit things, but I didn't know what they was.
My hands and knees was cut. They was bleeding, like the time I fell climbing the big tree. I cried. Mummy came. She picked me up and bringed me inside the house. She fixed my cut knees and hands with her wand. Mummy made the pain go away. Then Mummy told me to be careful and told me I was too little to fly broomsticks. I didn’t listen. I had left Teddy in the garden. I shouldn’t have left Teddy all by his-self in the garden. Teddy was my best friend. I was not allowed to leave him.
I runned outside to Teddy. He lied beside Fred’s broomstick. He was dirty but he was not hurted. Teddy wasn’t hurted but Teddy was scared. I didn’t understand why Teddy was scared. I looked at the broomstick, but instead of there being one broomstick there was two. I didn’t understand. The broomstick had broked in two. I didn’t want the broomstick to be broked in two. Why did the broomstick break in two when I didn’t want it to? I was just flying it over the wall. Why did it break? I didn’t want it to be broked. The broomstick was being bold. It wasn’t supposed to be broked.
"You broke my broom," Fred said. He was standing behind me and he looked angry, more angrier than I had ever seen him in my whole life.
"I didn’t break it," I said. I held Teddy’s hand so Teddy wouldn’t be scared.
"You took my broomstick and you broke it! You smashed it into the wall!" Fred said.
"I didn’t," I said. I was trying to make Fred understand. "I just flied the broomstick over the wall," I said.
"Then how did it get broke?" Fred said. He was very angry now, more angrier than Mummy was that time when George broked her favourite bowl of flowers.
I hugged Teddy real close because Teddy was shaking. Teddy was shaking so bad. Teddy wouldn’t stop shaking. Fred was shouting. But I didn’t understand what Fred was saying. Fred was shouting and Fred was crying. Fred was sad because his broomstick was broked. I was sad too. I didn’t want Fred to be sad. I didn’t want his broomstick to be broked. But Fred was sad and the broomstick was broked. I didn’t understand why the broomstick was broked. I didn’t want the broomstick to be broked, but it was broked.
Then everything was quiet, but it was the bad quiet, the bad quiet that comes before all bad things. I was hugging Teddy and Teddy was hugging me. Teddy was shaking so bad. Teddy wouldn’t stop shaking. Then Teddy changed colour, Teddy changed colour and Teddy got bigger. Teddy’s legs was everywhere. Teddy smelled bad. His legs was long and hairy and black. Teddy’s legs was crawling all over me. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. Teddy had too many legs, too many legs to count. Then Teddy looked at me and he wasn’t Teddy anymore. Teddy was a monster. He had more eyes than any wizard was supposed to have. He had too many eyes. I didn’t like his eyes. They was like holes, like big holes in Teddy’s face. Teddy’s eyes was looking at me but they was not nice eyes. They was bad eyes. They was monster eyes.
Teddy had big long teeths. They was hairy black teeths. I didn’t like his teeths. I let go of Teddy, but Teddy didn't let go of me. All Teddy’s legs hugged me so tight. Teddy’s legs hugged me so tight I was not able to breathe. There was no air. I didn’t understand where all the air went. I was outside. There should be air. But there was no air.
Then Teddy’s teeths bited me. They bited me all over. I wanted to cry, but I had no air. My heart was beating in my ears. I didn't understand how my heart had moved to my ears. I didn’t understand why Teddy wasn’t my friend anymore. I didn’t understand why Teddy was hurting me.
Then Mummy came and she pointed her wand at Teddy and Teddy goed away. Teddy goed far away. I couldn’t see Teddy anymore. I didn’t not know where Teddy goed.
I was shaking all over. I couldn’t stop shaking. My heart was beating in my ears. It was beating in my ears so loud I couldn’t hear anything. I was wet. I was wet all over. I didn't understand why I was wet.
Fred was crying. Mummy was shouting. Teddy was gone. I was shaking. I couldn’t stop shaking.
Mummy bringed me inside and she gived me a bath. The water was hot but not the bad hot that was too hot. The water was nice hot. The hot that feeled good. I keeped asking Mummy where Teddy was. Mummy didn’t answer. She just washed my hair with her soft and warm hands. She told me I was safe. She told me I didn’t have to be scared. She told me that she was here and that when she was here there would be no monsters.
I was still shaking. I couldn’t stop shaking.
I asked Mummy again about Teddy. Mummy stayed quiet for a long time. Mummy looked at me. Mummy looked sad. I didn't understand why Mummy was sad. Mummy looked at me and Mummy was crying. I didn't understand why Mummy was crying. Mummy bited her lip and tried to explain that Teddy wasn’t coming back because Teddy was lost. I didn’t understand. Teddy was my best friend. He would never run away and join the bad wizards that eated death for breakfast. Teddy was good and brave and good and brave wizards didn’t become bad.
Mummy said she would buy me a new Teddy. But Mummy didn’t understand. I didn’t want a new Teddy. Teddy was my friend. What if the new Teddy didn’t like black Bertie Bott’s Beans? Who’d eat the black ones then? Or what if the new Teddy didn’t smell like ketchup? Or what if he didn’t want to hunt bad wizards? What if he wanted to hunt Dubledoor instead? No! NO! I didn’t want a new Teddy. I wanted my friend Teddy.
But then I remembered how Teddy had changed, how Teddy had too many legs, how they was long and hairy and scary and how they had hugged me so tight there was no air left in the world. Then I remembered how Teddy had too many eyes and how they was big holes in his face and how they was dark and scary. Teddy had too many eyes and too many legs now. Teddy wasn’t my friend anymore. Teddy had become a bad wizard. Teddy wanted to hunt me now. He didn’t want to be my friend. He didn’t want to hunt the bad wizards that eated death for breakfast because now he was one of the bad wizards that eated death for breakfast.
Teddy was my best friend. But Teddy had run away and left me all alone. Teddy was my friend, he made me happy yesterday, but yesterday was forever ago and now Teddy wasn’t my friend anymore. Now Teddy just made sad.
Mummy made me hot chocolate and put me into bed. I couldn’t go asleep without Teddy. I hided under the covers and shouted for Teddy come to back. But Teddy didn't come back because Teddy didn’t care anymore. Teddy wasn’t my friend. Teddy was a bad wizard.
I felled asleep and Teddy was in my dreams. Teddy came and made my dreams bad. He came into my dreams and he hugged me so tight he stole all my air. He came into my dreams and he hunted me and when Teddy catched me he took me to Azban and made me eat rats. Teddy wasn’t my friend. Teddy had too many legs and too many eyes. He was always looking at me with all his eyes, all his eyes that was like black holes. All Teddy did was look at me with his too many eyes and laugh. All Teddy did was laugh. Then I woked up and I was shaking and I was wet and my heart was beating in my ears again.
I called out for Mummy, but Mummy didn't come. I hided under the covers and I cried. I knowed then what lost meant. Lost meant gone. It meant that I would never feel Teddy’s fuzzy fur or smell his ketchup smell. It meant that I wouldn’t know if Teddy still liked black Bertie Bott’s Beans or if he now liked green ones. It meant that Teddy wasn’t my friend, it meant that he was now a bad wizard that eated death for breakfast. And it meant that Teddy wasn’t in the woods hunting bad wizards, like always, now he was in the woods, like them, hunting Dubledoor and me.
So I cried and cried and cried.