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Life According To A Self-Confessed Loon by horseyrosyrb
Chapter 1 : Tomatoes, New Friends and People I Would Like To Kill
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 6

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Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. I know, life sucks, doesn't it? :'(

There is nothing in the world I hate more than tomatoes. One day the world will see that they are, in fact, evil, but by then it will all be too late, and I will be the only person left alive because I knew beforehand, and I will laugh at everyone as they are slaughtered by fruit they once thought was harmless. I will then go and live in an underground bunker where the tomatoes can’t get me. It would be great! No one to tell me to write essays *cough* Rose *cough*, or to dress like a human being *cough* Dom *cough* or to try out for Quidditch *cough* Erin *cough*. I also wouldn’t have to spend what seems like 90% of my time arguing with Solly, aka the world’s most stupid brother (I made him a badge and everything).

Hang on. I can’t live without arguing… it’s like Dumbledore without a beard – just wrong on so many levels.

I’ll just have to hope that I develop schizophrenia so I’ll have someone to talk to. It would be quite awesome, actually, to have voices in your head. I mean, you’d never get bored and they could give you advice about stuff like… um, like… whether to eat broccoli or not! Personally, I quite like the stuff, but Rose is completely against it and usually when we disagree over something she’s the one who’s right.

Hmmm, that was a very long tangent I just went on. If you’re going to hang around with me you should know that I do tend to go off on them on a fairly regular basis. Normally I talk continuously for about five minutes until one of my friends hits me. I know, lovely people they are.

I have three best friends. We’re mainly friends because everyone else thinks I’m crazy, and they’re probably right. So, anyway, Rose, Dom and Erin are the only ones who can tolerate me in more than small doses. We call ourselves The Derl Girls. Get it? D for Dom, E for Erin, R for Rose and L for Laurie.

Your jealousy is understandable.

And then the Gryffindor boys decided to copy our idea of having a group name and call themselves The Four Musketeers. I know, lame right. Not NEARLY as cool as The Derl Girls. The Four Musketeers are formed of Solomon John-Henry Avon (my brother for all you slow people out there. Oh, and yes, his middle name is also a famous racehorse. We have cruel parents. I mean giving your children the middle names of Delmara and John-Henry? They’ve got to be evil.), Frederick Benjamin Weasley (Rose and Dom’s cousin), Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy (who isn’t related to anyone, but is basically like a brother to us all) and *gag* James Sirius Potter. He’s an evil git. I hate him. Enough said.

Oh, and he’s another of Rosie and Dom’s cousins. They have rather a lot.

The full names of the Derl Girls are as follows: Dominique Louise Weasley, Erin Lucia (pronounced Loo-chia for all of you who say it wrong. I suggest learning to say it right, because Erin has a good punch that she’ll be more than happy to demonstrate if you get it don’t) Wood, Rose Nymphadora Weasley and me, Loretta Delmara Avon.

There, I said The Full Name. Don’t make me EVER mention it again. I may be forced to rip my brain out.

For all of you who don’t know, people call me Laurie. So you’d better do it too unless you want me to murder you with a textbook. Trust me, I know how.

But for now, I will have to love you (except not that because I don’t have a clue who on earth you are) and leave you (except not that either because I’m not with you).I have a date with my girlies and a bowl of chocolate ice cream to attend.


“Dom. Truth or dare?”

Yeah, I know. 16 and we still play truth or dare. Classy.

“Truth,” she smirks. Oh, I so have her this time. She will regret the day she even thought of asking for a truth and- “I choose Rosie to ask me the question.” We have this little tradition where we get to ask whoever we want for our truth/dare. But we can’t ask the same person twice. It makes it all a little more interesting.

“Fine. Which one out of The Four Musketeers would you most like to snog?” Dom scrunches up her face, thinking hard.

“Well obviously not James of Fred, because I’m related to them, and besides, I’ve seen them in nappies, and if that isn’t a turn-off I don’t know what is.” We all pull a face. “And Scorp is, I dunno, I guess snogging him is on a level with murdering a puppy.”

“How do you make that out? He wouldn’t mind,” I burst in.

“He’s just Scorp. I’d never think of him in that way. Besides, he wears printed sweaters. That’s just gross.” She pulls a face. Fair point. Scorpius is – well, Scorpius wears clothes that were more at home LAST century and he has glasses even though he doesn’t need them because he thinks wearing them is cool. He’s a total geek, like literally, he’s totally pathetic in a way.

Oh dear, now I sound like a right stuck-up brat. I don’t mean to be mean but he is a bit uncool. Don’t get me wrong he’s completely awesome and I love him and all, but the idea of him ever having a date is unimaginable.

Oh, and he fancies Rose. But she doesn’t like him back. I know, awkward right?

Shh though, only I know. It was an accident that I found out. Let’s say there was an incident with a bowl of cabbage soup and I sort-of guessed that he liked her. I won’t describe it because it was painful and all parties involved (namely me and Scorpius) want to forget it. We’re talking what-on-earth-is-wrong-with-me-I-want-to-go-jump-off-a-bridge style painful.

“Hey Laurie? Earth to Laurie? Are you there?” Back to the task in hand: mortifying Dom. Oh how I love my life.

“But that means there’s only Solly left,” smiles Erin.

“Well, I guess he’s not all that bad looking. I mean, he has these gorgeous abs, and his eyes really are quite dreamy, and I could seriously listen to his voice all day. Don’t even get me started on his smile!”

“Um, excuse me but that’s my BROTHER you’re talking about. My TWIN brother. Sorry if I don’t want to pollute my mind with his ‘gorgeous abs’ and ‘dreamy eyes’,” I say, mimicking Dom with a cruelly high voice. She hits me and I glare at her. How dare she! I’m the injured party here!

Before we can start World War 3, The Four Musketeers enter. They spot us sitting at a table in the corner of the kitchens and head over to join us. Oh, joy.

Note my sarcasm.

“Hello there ladies,” greets Potter. “Oh, sorry, and you too Avon.” I glare at him too. And people ask me why I don’t like him! Just because he’s charming to everyone else doesn’t mean he isn’t evil. People thought Voldermort was nice before they found out the truth. And only Dumbledore knew what he was really like.

I’m like Dumbledore! How cool is that!

And another thing – he’s thinks he’s amazing. He walks around like he’s God’s gift to Hogwarts, and everyone falls at his feet. But he still acts all aloof and won’t date a single person. I mean, not that I care about that, but it just gets on my nerves how he thinks he’s better than everyone else. Idiot.

I think I’ll nickname him ETSOA. You know, Ego The Size Of America. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? I’m sure he’ll be pleased.

Actually scratch that, I was being sarcastic. Ah, sarcasm, my native language, how I have missed you. It was like that one time when I tried to give up chocolate as my new year’s resolution. Let’s just say that I missed it so badly I ended up in hospital wing from sugar-withdrawal. Who knew that was possible? I certainly didn’t otherwise I wouldn’t have tried. I don’t like needles and nurses and sickness and icky stuff. It’s gross, ok?

Hey, would you look at that. The boys seem to have realised how there are literally no spare chairs. Ha! Now they’ll have to leave. Merlin doesn’t hate me after all!

Hang on… what’s Solly doing? No…

He’s nudged Dom off her chair and is now pulling her back down on to his lap. And she doesn’t seem to be complaining.

I lean over and bang my head against the table, over and over again, trying to get the image of my brother hugging my best friend to his chest out. “Scarred. For. Life,” I groan, continuing to attempt to knock myself out.

“Seriously?” I don’t look up as I hear Potter’s mocking voice. “It’s not as though they’re kissing or anything.”

At that, I hit my head even harder. Disturbing *bang* mental *bang* image. *Bang, bang, bang*

“Look, you need all the brain cells you can get. Not that I care if you kill yourself, but I don’t want to be the one having to clear up after a homicidal Solomon if you die, ok? So do us all a favour and stop.”

“Nice to know you care, Potter.” I lift my head gingerly off the table, only to be met with the sight of Solly and Dom staring into each other’s eyes.

“NOOOOO!!! My eyes!! They burn!!” I scream. Everyone stares at me, amused.

“Sorry boys, Laurie has a little phobia of PDA. Just ignore her, we all do,” laughs Erin.

“The day she gets a boyfriend will be the day old Minnie announces she’s secretly a ninja working for the US government,” snorts Solly.

“Oi! I could get any boy to go out with me,” I mutter.

“Of course you could, using your amazing chat up lines.” All the girls erupt into giggles. They seem to find my pick-up lines amusing. I personally think they’re quite good, considering I got them off this Muggle guy Solly used to know.

“You watch it!” I wander around to where Fred sits, Erin perched lightly on his lap. How did I not notice this before? Everyone has paired off, except for me and Potter. Oh well, like that’s ever going to happen. “Hey Fred… do you know how much a polar bear weighs?”

“Umm, no?”

“Well neither do I, but it breaks the ice,” I finish, feeling proud of myself. I like that one. It seems that Fred doesn’t. He looks downright scared, while everyone else is howling with laughter.

I guess I’ll just have to try again.

Scorpius sees me walking over to him and visibly flinches. How rude! I’m not that bad!

“Hey Scorp.” I raise one eyebrow in what I hope looks like an attractive position. “Did you just fart? Because you blew me away.”

You know what, just give a standing ovation already. Shower me with gifts! (Hint: I like chocolates and fluffy animals. Just saying…)

“Um… err… eh… um…” Scorpius seems to be finding it hard to form coherent words. It’s alright – he’s just so overtaken with my beauty and the idea that I’d ever ask him out. He blushes a deep scarlet and stutters something about ‘not wanting to ruin our friendship’.

WOW! He said I’m his friend! That must mean he doesn’t hate me. I run over and hug him, accidently hugging Rose too. It’s kind-of hard not to when she’s sitting on his lap.

“Am I really your friend?!” I scream in his ear.

He looks bemused. “Um, yes? Why wouldn’t you be?”

“Because I’m ‘not normal’? I thought only these guys liked me,” I answer, gesturing to Rose, Dom and Erin. Their faces soften.

“’Course we like you, stupid,” smiles Fred. Scorpius nods his head in agreement. Solly is still staring at Dom. I feel tears coming to my eyes. They like me! They don’t hate me! I’m their friend!

This is the second-best day of my life, the first being when I met Rose, Erin and Dom. I grin round at my new friends.

Of course, Potter has to go and ruin it.

“Excuse me while I vomit.” I turn around and slap him, hard and right across his cheek. He gasps and clutches at his face.

I hate him so much. He’s a vile, evil, disgusting, horrible, foul BASALISK!! Ha! Take that! I just compared him to a snake thing! He doesn’t care about anyone but himself and he has to ruin everything for everyone because heaven forbid anyone ENJOY themselves other than him!

“Umm… ouch? I’m sure that would hurt a lot more if I actually cared about what you thought. For the record, I don’t.” Potter’s eyes are flashing with anger. Oh, fudge. I said that out loud, didn’t I?

“Well, don’t kid yourself that I care about you because I’d rather swallow Filch’s toe than say one nice thing to you. Oh, and I’m sorry for hurting your precious backside,” I spit back, absolutely furious.

“My backside? Are you too dumb to realise that you slapped my face, not my bum?”

“My bad. The amount of crap that comes out the hole in it, I was a bit confused.”

And with that I turn and storm out of the room, Dom, Rose and Erin following hurriedly behind me.

I will kill dear old Jamesy one day, and I shall be doing the world a favour. But until then, he’d better watch out.

Laurie Avon is determined out to get him. She won’t let little things like laws, teachers, the Ministry and PRISON get in her way…

She’s a fearless Gryffindor, she won’t take rubbish from anyone and-

Oh, help. What have I got myself into?

A/N: Well hello there... I know what your thinking. What is she doing, starting another story?! The truth is, this idea just came to me and it wouldn't go away... I got so fed up of it buzzing around in my head when I should have been concentrating on other, more important stuff (like the structure of atoms... oops...) that I decided to write it all down then leave it well alone. Except this is my life we're talking about, isn't it? So obviously nothing went to plan and I ended up posting this...

So don't kill me. ok? I'm still too young to die. But if you decide you have to do it, remind my family that under no circumstances are any of my bonkers friends arranging my funeral. That job is left to the sane(r) ones, who will inevitably organise a giant paintball fight. 

Sucks to be dead :(

It's ok, I'll stop waffling now :D

~Rosie x

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