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Typical Clueless Guy by PygmyPuffLover
Chapter 15 : Ariadne's Revenge
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 21

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gorgeous chapter image by Magic_Phoenix. is he the best looking bloke on the planet or what?


“Hey, I really don’t get this last question.” I muttered to Hugo, who pushed his glasses up his nose and peered at my piece of parchment. He then looked back at his own parchment and scanned down it with his finger.

“I do.” He muttered back, and I rolled my eyes.

Gee, that’s helpful. Not.

“Good for you. Now can you tell me how to do it?” I prompted, and he peered at my piece of parchment again, badly concealing a smirk.

I jabbed him in the ribs but he acted as though he hadn’t felt anything. Tosser.

“I suppose I could.” He said, in a mock thoughtful tone. I pursed my lips but waited for him to finish anyway. I know, I have the patience of a saint. Feel free to shower me with rose petals and kiss the ground upon which I walk.


“But I’d have to know what was in it for me.” He looked at me and his eyes were shining with amusement. I scowled at the desk darkly whilst he chuckled to himself.

Why am I in love with this bloke again?

Oh yeah, because he is bloody amazing. Never mind.

“Well, I won’t kill you.” I said, stroking an imaginary Dumbledore beard and smiling at him widely. He grinned back and put on a constipated face.

“I suppose we have a deal then.” He said eventually, and he held out his hand. I shook it, ignoring the electric sparks that were shooting up and down my arm and telling me leap forwards and snog the face off the obnoxiously good looking boy.

“Now seriously, how do you answer it?” I asked, and he rolled his eyes, but pulled my parchment towards him and began to scribble away.

Victory! *Insert Evil Laugh Here*


“Lily, you are going to get frostbite of the foot department! Get your toes out of the Lake now!” I shouted to the redheaded girl who was waggling her eyebrows evilly at a blonde haired girl.

Let me set the scene, shall I?

It is the beginning of November, and it is minus a million degrees outside, because the freezing temperatures have decided to come early this year. So of course, Lily Potter decides the bright thing to do is... go outside and dip her feet in the Black Lake!

I am standing about four metres behind her, shouting at her to get back inside because my own body is currently turning blue with severe coldness. Yes, that is a word snide comment maker. Invest in a dictionary.

I know what you are all thinking. And it goes like this – ‘Oooh, BURN!’

Don’t even try to deny it, you know I am right.

Lily turned around and grinned at me, but did not move her annoyingly small arse from where it was perched on the edge of the grassy bank.

I stomped my feet a couple of times to stop them from going dead, cursing under my breath and arranged my curls so they covered as much skin as possible, to try and limit the amount of my body that would have to be removed in a dangerous yet necessary operation later.

“LILY LUNA POTTER, GET HERE THIS INSTANT!” I tried the strict, annoyed parent voice, but I might as well have not said anything.

Well, she clearly knew I had spoken, because it would just be rude of her to randomly stick her finger up at me.

Is my nose blue?

I think it is.

What is that noise? Is there a cat stuck somewhere making an irritating whining noise? Look cat, I’m cold too, but you don’t see me ruining the evening silence for everybody else.

Well that is embarrassing. The noise isn’t coming from any frostbitten cat, it’s coming from me.

And yet my complete bitch of a best friend still hasn’t gotten off her arse and decided that she will go back inside. How utterly charming. If anybody else would have me, I would so get a new best friend.

I scrunched my toes up and tried to get some warmth radiating around my body, but it didn’t work.


“Lilyyyyyy.” I whined, but she sure likes that middle finger, as she stuck it up again.
I opened my mouth to begin pathetically grovelling but some arms wrapping themselves around my shoulders caused the words to catch in my throat.

I swallowed hard and blinked a couple of times to try and clear the fog that filled my head. Great, now it is frosty and foggy. The Gods of Weather sure have a problem with me, don’t they?

There is only one person in this world that causes my head to fill with such dense fog.

And that is Hugo. This means Hugo’s arms are wrapped around my shoulders. This means that Hugo Weasley is hugging me. This means I should say something, because I have spent the past minute or so working all of that out.

“Hello.” I croaked, and a throaty chuckle sounded in my ear. His hair was tickling the side of my face and again my throat seemed to close over.

“Hello. Why exactly are the two of you standing outside in these ungodly temperatures?” He muttered in my ear, and I bit my lip to stop myself from screaming ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ at my idiot of a best friend.

“I have absolutely no idea. Why don’t you ask your tosser of a cousin, she’s the one that has insisted I wait for her before I go back inside?” Hugo chortled again and I leaned back slightly into the muscled contours of his chest. I could feel all of his muscles through his thin grey sweater.

“Here, let me warm you up.” He said, his breath warm on the side of my face and blowing my hair into my mouth. I tried to spit it out without being very conspicuous about it, but I ended up getting it lodged in my throat. Marvellous.

Hugo moved his arms from around my shoulders and brought his hands down so they were resting on the tops of my arms. I bit my lip slightly and tried to hide the grin that was threatening to split my face in half.

I wondered vaguely whether or not Hugo would be able to feel the gooseflesh that was covering the exposed skin on my shoulders. I noticed just how freezing cold my arms were and realised how much I wanted to go back inside. Trust me to make a stupid promise to my stupid best friend.

Hugo began to rub his arms up and down super fast, using the friction that erupted between us to warm up my freezing limbs. I sighed slightly and leaned back onto him even harder, letting his warm chest warm up my back. Why did I decide to wear a short sleeved t-shirt when I promised Lily I would go outside with her?

Maybe I have a blinking thing that flashes above my head and says ‘CURSE ME WITH THE WORLDS WORST IDEAS’. I really have to look into getting rid of that.

Yeah... I wonder where I should go to look into that.

Maybe there is a karma store that I could go to that would stop me making all of these bad decisions.

Yep, that sounds like a nice idea.

I’ll check the Yellow Pages when I go to Lily’s for Christmas.

Yes, yes, I am going to Lily’s house for Christmas this year. My parents decided to not tell me they have been saving up for three years to go on a two week holiday to Turkey.

And then they decide to book it for over Christmas because that’s when it is cheapest.

So I have nowhere to go over the holidays.

When Lily found out she immediately invited me over to spend Christmas with her family, and her Nana does make the nicest food, so I’m not that annoyed that I’m not spending the holidays with my family.

Anyway, went off on a little bit of a tangent there. Now let us rein my thoughts back to where they were originally.

Now where exactly was that?

Ah yes, Hugo is warming me up with those strong, muscular, warm, artistic, beautiful, perfect hands. In case you can’t tell, I think his hands are bloody incredible. I know you are a little bit dim, but I’m sure even you picked up on that hint.

Hugo’s hands left my arms eventually and he wrapped them around my waist, telling me he didn’t want me to het hipbite. Do you get it? It’s frostbite of the hips. Hugo came up with it, and I think it is bloody hilarious.

Yes, I am an incredibly sad loser who basically thinks everything Hugo Weasley does is either hilarious or bloody hot. I know, I may have a slight obsession.


Nobody asked you anyway.

I moved my foot backwards slightly and ran it up and down the bottom of Hugo’s leg, swallowing the blush that rose into my cheeks. I leaned my head back onto the base of his neck let the warmth breath from his chuckle warm up my face.

“I don’t want my feet to get cold.” I muttered to Hugo, in response to his questioning gaze. He laughed, and the noise attracted the attention of one red headed bitch, who whirled around and beamed when she saw me standing next to Hugo.

I stuck my tongue out at her.

I have such incredible responses to ridicule.

I know you are all secretly jealous.

“I’m cold.” I said mildly, and she rolled her eyes and tried very hard to smother the smirk that was twisting her face. I clenched fists to keep my fingers together. Hugo rubbed my side slightly with his hand and muttered –

“At least you don’t have blue feet.” I breathed out deeply and then inhaled some of his special Hugo scent, smiling and pushing my back even harder into his chest.

Hugo tightened his arms, which had moved up slightly so they were now wrapped around my waist, and I winked at Lily, who swung her legs out of the lake and padded over to the two of us.

When she reached us her face looked slightly pink and embarrassed, and I noticed that she was standing so she was almost squatting. I looked at her carefully but I couldn’t figure out what the matter was.

I cocked one eyebrow delicately and she blushed slightly pinker. She knotted her thumbs together and bowed her head slightly.

“Hugo, will you carry me? My feet are throbbing.” She whined, and I tipped my head back as I roared with laughter. She looked as though she wanted to kick me, but with her throbbing feet she couldn’t possibly.

Knowing Lily’s violent tendencies, I shuffled backwards slightly, pulling Hugo with me, as he was still attached to my waist. To my surprise, he didn’t pull away, but shuffled backwards with me.

“You should have thought about that before you decided to go for a swim in freezing temperatures.” I scolded, and she bowed her head and managed to look slightly abashed.

“I’m sorry.” She smiled, showing all of her front teeth and widening her eyes to just plain freaky proportions.

She looked like some kind of drunken bush baby.

Which, admittedly, was rather cute.

Hugo rolled his eyes and let his arms drop from my waist, stepping around me and scooping Lily up into his muscular arms. He began to head up to the school, so I darted across the patch of grass and grabbed her shoes, before sprinting after them.

Yes, I am a little bit sad.


“Your feet feeling any better Lils?” I asked her, tossing my hair over one shoulder and peering at her. She shot me the finger but nodded in a dignified manner. I smirked and looked into the crackling orange flames that were merrily bouncing around in the grate.

“Oi, whore!” A voice echoed across the Common Room, and at first I didn’t bother to turn around. Having never had a boyfriend, I didn’t think anybody would be referring to me as ‘whore’.

I had forgotten about psycho-bint and her oh-so-affectionate nickname for me.

When I remembered I turned my head slightly and saw her storming over to me from the Portrait Hole.

I gulped slightly but kept my expression cool and my hand resting on my wand in my pocket. You never can be too careful with the mentally deranged.

She reached the edge of the couch that I was sitting on and stood there looking furious. You could practically see steam shooting out of her ears.

If her eyes could kill people I would have been impaled to death by a large stream of gigantic steak knives. In the most painful way possible, as she is a sadistic bitch.

“Do not call me a whore.” I said calmly, returning my eyes to the fire but keeping alert in case she decided to strike. I tightened my fingers on the tip of my wand. You never can be too careful with people like this.

I breathed out slowly while she stomped her foot in time with the beat of the music blasting out from the Wizarding Wireless. It kind of ruined the whole ‘aggressive gesture’ thing.

Because it seemed like she was dancing along to the music. And that is just not aggressive.

“I will call you a whore because you are a whore.” She spat back, and I refrained from rolling my eyes. You do not pull tongues at an aggravated bear, so you do not taunt a furious psychopath.

“And why exactly do you believe I am a whore?” I asked, my voice tired. I really couldn’t be doing with her this late in the night. Oh, I have an idea! We should make a limit, like she can only speak to me at certain times during the day.

Maybe I should look into writing a timetable and pinning it up on the dormitory door.

Yeah, as soon as I have finished with this irritating conversation I will definitely start that.

“Because my boyfriend broke up with me because of YOU!”

Wait. What. Huh?

Not understanding here. Brain not comprehending information just inserted.

Brain not managing to function properly under severe stress inserted by previous information.

I swallowed hard as I tried to digest what she had just said.

Excuse me!?” I spluttered, my cool facade crumbling and my mouth falling open so I looked like a brainless goldfish. So much for keeping my cool and not letting her get to me.

“Hugo and I never fought once until he started talking to you a few weeks ago! We just snogged and stuff in broom closets, and then he meets you. And then he’s all emotional and caring and wants to spend time with his cousins when he NEVER WANTED TO BEFORE. And then he’s sticking up for you and yelling at me when I call you the shit names you deserve. Everything that has happened between us is entirely your fault.” Her voice was a low hiss and her eyes were shining with malice.

Bloody hell, she looks like some kind of insane serpent when she stares at people like that.

“No, it is not my fault.” I said, standing up and staring at her with an angry expression on my usually calm face. “It’s not my fault that he broke up with you, it’s not my fault he started to have a go and you and got sick of you. It’s not my fault that what was sure to happen, happened.” I retorted, crossing my arms and taking a step forwards, which stalled her for a minute.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT WAS SURE TO HAPPEN!?” She shrieked, losing her cool and flapping her arms around her head like a headless chicken.

Hey, did you know that chickens are capable of running around for a couple of seconds after they have had their heads chopped off?

I found out and my face became a little something like this - ^O^.

That little factoid is beyond cool. I’ll have to retell it to Albus tomorrow. I’ve already told Lily.

“You can’t honestly tell me that you thought you were going to get married or something.” I said scathingly, and her face grew a couple of degrees redder.

“Look, Hugo was fantastic for my image, and now he’s broken up with me I look like a sad git who got dumped.” The way she said it made my stomach roll. She had the fortune to date somebody like Hugo and she only did it because he was good for her image. Oh wait, that is why he was dating her...


What a complete and utter bitch.

“And it never crossed your teeny tiny mind that maybe that is why he broke up with you?!” I said sarcastically, laying a finger on my cheek and cocking my head to the side as though I was deep in thought.

She snarled and I forced myself not to snort out loud.

“You like him.” Ariadne said after a while, jabbing a finger in my direction accusingly. I ignored the gesture and focused on the accusation. And now is the time to unveil those incredible lying skills you knew you would need to use after a while.

“I don’t like Hugo and I never will like Hugo.” I said, returning to the eerie calm voice I had used in the beginning of our conversation. Ariadne flipped her hair over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow sceptically, bouncing around on one leg so her hip was jutting out.

“You cannot take him from me.” She said in a deadly whisper. Her eyes were glinting and her teeth were bared slightly like a tiger ready to pounce.

I stepped forwards slightly again so I was a lot closer to her than I was before.

“Nobody can take him from you.” I started, and her face looked surprised as she processed what I said. “Because he isn’t yours.”

Her face fell flat and she looked beyond furious. In that moment she looked more deranged and out of her mind than I had ever seen her look before.

I almost recoiled but I stopped myself at the last moment, and forced myself to stand my ground.

Before I had time to react, to pull my wand out of my pocket or step backwards, she had leapt forwards and swung her arm out, slapping me point blank across the face so it stung until my eyes began to water.

The sad thing is it may have looked like I was crying. But my eyes were just watering because of the sting left behind by her manicured hand.

I stepped backwards and bend over slightly so she wouldn’t be able to see the moisture that was sparkling in my eyes. Some stomping behind me caused me to turn my head slightly and I saw a furious looking Hugo Weasley crossing the Common Room with his eyes blazing.

What’s got his wand in a knot?

I was distracted when I saw a hand swing out towards my face again. Before I had a chance to jerk out of the way a large hand had grabbed hold of the manicured one and had pulled it out of my field of vision.

I looked up and saw Hugo towering above us, looking furious and positively shaking with rage. I shrank back slightly, scared of the dangerous looking man who was looking beyond terrifying.

“Hugo, what’s the matter?” I asked warily, stepping forwards slightly and laying a hand gently on his arm. Ariadne had staggered backwards slightly and was rubbing her wrist slightly and glaring at the pair of us.

Hugo looked into my eyes and I watched as the anger slowly faded from them, returning to their usual shade of shimmering ocean blue. Even when his eyes were completely calm he did not drag them away from my own.

Hugo interrupted our beautiful moment by turning around and glaring flatly at Ariadne, who was looking a cross between hurt, furious and close to tears.

“If you ever touch her again,” He began in a murderous voice, “I will do something about it.” He cracked his knuckles menacingly and most of the assembled Gryffindor males shuffled backwards slightly with worried expressions on their faces.

God, Hugo looks so hot when he is angry.

I laid my other hand on his arm and he turned back so he was looking at me again.

His eyes were slightly angry again, but under my gaze they calmed down and returned to their usual shimmering colour.

“Thank you.” I said quietly, in response to his protective standing up for me. Could he get any more chivalrous?

God, he is so fucking perfect it almost hurts.

He looked at me for what seemed like forever. “I’ll never let anybody else touch you again.” He said in a low voice, his eyes boring into mine. My head began to spin and I struggled to get oxygen into the piece of shit that I call a brain.

I’m such a loser.


hmm... stupidly dramatic and unrealistic. i seem to have a knack for that.

A/N non of this belongs to me - not harry potter or anything else mentioned in this chapter. or the yellow pages.

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