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Chapter 1 : The Adventures of Mary Sue Slytherin
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She was without a doubt one of the most beautiful girls Hogwarts had ever known. Her hair was as smooth as the smooth jazz music you listen to at the dentist’s office or in the lift, and it was as golden as gold itself. Not the type of fake gold that you could buy from people on the street in New York, but real gold like you would find in a mine shaft. Her eyes sparkled like the finest diamonds, the type sold only by the wealthiest African warlords. Her skin was as soft as mink fur, from an actual mink, not a polyester copy. Her eyes were as blue as the ripest blueberries, her teeth were as white as albino polar bears, and her heart was as pure as her blood status.
In addition to her unprecedented beauty, she excelled in every academic subject, starred on the House quidditch team, and had a very warm and pleasant personality. She was loved and admired by all, with one notable exception. Sirius Black, the boy she was madly in love with, had never noticed her.
Mary Sue was born and raised in the United States, but due to her exceptional skills, purest of pure blood status, and for the literary convenience of this story, she was invited to attend Hogwarts anyway. She believed in getting an early start to the day, and on this particular day she was the first girl in her dorm to wake up. She took advantage of the opportunity to use her exceptional cooking skills to prepare breakfast in bed for her best friend in the world, Lily Evans.
Lily woke up to find a plate of freshly baked breakfast pastries waiting for her. “Did you make this Mary Sue? You are the best best friend a girl could ever ask for!” Lily exclaimed as she got up and embraced Mary Sue.
“It’s just a small token of appreciation that I would do for any of my friends,” Mary Sue said modestly.
As Lily began to eat she asked a question, “So Mary Sue, we’ve been best friends for five years, and I’ve never asked you this before, but I just have to know; how did you get sorted into Gryffindor even though you’re a direct descendent of Salazar Slytherin?”
Mary Sue explained, “The sorting hat lets you choose, and I chose Gryffindor because I’m brave.”
“Wow, that was so brave of you,” said Lily admiringly.
Mary Sue continued, “And also, the sorting hat knows that love is the strongest power of all, so it had to keep me together with my true love, Sirius Black.”
Lily sighed, “I can’t believe Sirius hasn’t noticed you yet even though we’re the same year and in the same house. Boys can be such toe rags, especially James Potter.”
Mary Sue looked at Lily with genuine concern, “Lily, you should really give James a chance. He really likes you and I think you’re destined to be together. In fact, I would go as far as to say that the future of the wizarding world depends on you two being together. I know this because I’m good at Divination.”
Lily had a massive revelation, as if a giant light bulb had appeared over her head; a real incandescent light bulb, not the newfangled LED ones. “You know, you might be right. I should give James a chance, now if we could only get Sirius to notice you. You know, this may be an antiquated notion, but I was thinking maybe if you went right up to him and introduced yourself, then maybe he might notice you.”
Mary Sue considered Lily’s advice as she packed up her books for the school day, not really sure why she was doing so because, as we all know, Hogwarts wasn’t actually an academic school, it was just a place for teenagers to hook up with each other and experience drama.
Later that day in the Gryffindor Common Room, everything came to a stop as the four young men known as the Mauraders walked into the room. They were so popular and awesome that the entire era had been renamed to reflect their awesomeness. The boys walked in slow motion to add dramatic emphasis. There was James Potter and Sirius Black, the popular and athletic sex gods of Hogwarts. There was Remus Lupin, their nice sensitive friend whose nice sensitivity balanced out their arrogance. And last and also least there was Peter Pettigrew, a fat pathetic loser who they weren’t actually friends with, but they allowed him to hang out with them because they felt bad.
A large throng of girls swarmed around the Marauders as they walked inside. Sirius pulled out a large stack of papers and said, “Ladies, fill these forms out and start a queue. I will gladly snog each and every one of you, but don’t expect any commitment, because Sirius Black does not do relationships.”
“He’s such a sweet gentleman,” Mary Sue swooned in the background, not being noticed.
James Potter spoke next, “Ladies, you are better off going after Sirius. I am in love with Lily Evans and will continue to pursue her no matter how many times she calls me a toe rag.”
Lily glared at James, but then she remembered what Mary Sue had told her and tried to force a smile.
Remus then added, “I am a tortured soul who will not commit to a relationship for fear of hurting somebody.”
“I’m perfectly single and available though!” Peter Pettigrew spoke up eagerly.
“Shut up Peter, nobody cares!” said Sirius as he punched Peter in the face, just for the fun of it.
Bravely swallowing her pride, Mary Sue approached Sirius and introduced herself, “Hello Sirius, I know you haven’t noticed me even though we’ve been in the same house and the same year for five years, but I am in love with you.”
Sirius looked back with a serious expression as he said seriously, (lol, see what I did there?) “What was your name again? Peggy Lou? You can fill this form out and get in the back of the queue, I’ll snog you when it’s your turn.”
Mary Sue ran into the girl’s dorm, overridden by teenage angst, as Lily came in to comfort her. Mary Sue’s heart was broken, and she felt emptier than Arsenal’s trophy case.
“It’s ok, Mary Sue, he’s just a toe rag,” Lily assured her.
Peter Pettigrew then walked into the room holding a dozen roses. “Mary Sue, I’m really sorry about Sirius, but if you would just give me a chance…I brought you these flowers and I’d like to read this romantic poem to you,” he said.
“Peter go away, nobody likes you!” Lily snapped. She turned around and threw an erumpent horn which exploded in his face. (A little OOC for Lily, but come on, it’s Peter, everybody hates him. I mean seriously, why is he even in this story?)
Lily patted Mary Sue on the back, “I think what you need is to get away for a while. Here, take my time turner. I obtained it to take extra classes, but its true use is so you can travel in time and fall in love with characters from different eras.”
Mary Sue took the time turner in her hands, imagining the possibilities of what ridiculously OOC ships it might lead to.
Mary Sue walked into the Great Hall, where her eyes were met by a boy who looked exactly like James Potter except he had a scar on his forehead. Using her brilliant powers of deduction, Mary Sue surmised, “That must be James’ son Harry Potter.” She knew his name was Harry because she was good at divination. Mary Sue stared into Harry’s emerald green eyes that were as green as the greenest emeralds and they both had a sudden revelation, realizing that they are in love.
Harry looked at her and pronounced, “I love you Mary Sue (don’t ask how he knew her name, its love), but I don’t know if I can hurt you. We will be in danger until I destroy Voldemort’s horcruxes! I have not told my future wife Ginny about this, but I am telling you because you have instantly won my trust. I don’t know what to do! Teenage angst!”
Mary Sue was equally angst ridden and was not sure how to answer. When Professor Umbridge began to address the students, Mary Sue realized that she must tell Harry her deep, dark secret, “Harry, I know you don’t like Professor Umbridge, but I have to admit…she’s my mother.”
Harry looked at her in a quizzical manner, like when you can’t figure out the punch line of the lame joke that’s on your popsicle stick. “But you’re also the heir of Slytherin, which means….”
“Yes, Voldemort is my father,” Mary Sue answered him.
“So if Voldemort is your father, and Umbridge is your mother, then that means…OH MERLIN NO!” Harry cringed in pain as his mind was assaulted by the worst mental image it had ever conjured. It was even worse than watching one of Cedric Diggory’s vampire movies.
Meanwhile, upstairs, Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger were in the dorm that they shared as Head Boy and Head Girl. After years of bickering, they suddenly stared into each other’s eyes and realized that they were in love with each other. Improbable tension had been brought about by their conveniently implausible living situation. Realizing the need to proclaim their love to the world, they walked hand in hand into the Great Hall, determined to make a defiant display of the power of love.
As they walked into the hall, Mary Sue caught sight of the most beautiful orbs she had ever seen, and realized that she was now also in love with Draco Malfoy. Meanwhile, Harry realized that his long friendship with Hermione easily lent itself to imagined sexual tension, and that it would be better for the sake of the story if he realized his love for Hermione in this moment.
The four of them approached each other with wands drawn.
“Potter,” sneered Malfoy.
“Malfoy,” sneered Harry.
“Granger,” sneered Malfoy.
“Potter,” sneered Hermione.
“Granger,” sneered Harry.
“Malfoy,” sneered Hermione.
Mary Sue did not sneer at anybody, because unlike everybody else in the story, she was determined to remain completely in character.
She then made an observation, “It appears what we have here is a love quadrilateral. It’s like a love triangle, but with four sides instead of three. A quadrilateral can be something simple, like a square or a rectangle. But it can also be a rhombus or even a trapezoid.”
“You are so wise in the ways of science and maths; that is why I love you Mary Sue,” said Harry.
“Shut up Potter, I love Mary Sue!” said Malfoy.
Mary Sue ran off in tears, realizing that she must return to her own time to make things right.
Mary Sue walked into the Gryffindor Common Room to find Sirius Black sitting alone by himself (pretty convenient, right?).
Putting her plan into motion, Mary Sue pulled a gray rectangular object and its two square controllers out of her bag. “Sirius, I brought you this present, all the way from the 1990’s,” she said.
“What is it?” he asked interrogatively.
“It’s called a Nintendo, and it will change your life,” said Mary Sue.
With great anticipation, Sirius hooked the Nintendo up to the common room’s television (Ok so wizards don’t watch TV, but this scene, like Mary Sue, is just too cute).
As Sirius began to get engrossed in a game, he was confronted with a dilemma, “Mary Sue, I don’t know who to devote my time to, you or this incredible machine! Angst! Indecision! Conflict!”
“Luckily you don’t have to choose. It has two controllers, so we can play together,” Mary Sue explained.
“That’s the best news I’ve ever heard!” exclaimed Sirius. He did not believe his luck; he was like one of the few kids to successfully retrieve a stuffed animal from one of those machines with a claw.
Mary Sue gave him a mischievous grin, “You can be Mario and I’ll be the Princess.” (Subtle innuendo, amirite?)
As they spent a romantic evening playing video games, Sirius realized that it was time to set aside his marauder ways and settle down, thanks to the power of love. Also, now that Sirius and Mary Sue were together, he doesn’t die or go to Azkaban anymore; instead they live happily ever after, the end.
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