Chapter 13 : I Don't Want to Be
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“Life is all about moments, of impact and how they change our lives forever,
what if one day you can’t remember any of them?”
When I woke up for class my brain hurt, or more accurately my brain hurt. It felt like a train had decided to ram me in the temple repeatedly. What the hell did I do last night?
Clutching my head I sat up in my bed and starred around my room. Something was…off. I couldn’t put down what it was, but I felt it. Maybe, I drank too much the night before. The problem with that is that was I never drank and I would never start at school. So what the hell was it? I lifted up my clothes to see if I suddenly had any new scars or tattoos, there was nothing.
Rising from my bed, I practically crawled to my shower. The hot water pelted into my back as I tried to retrace my actions. It was like there was a hazy fog clouding my brain from remembering everything clearly. After a half hour of nearly drowning myself to try and make myself feel better I left the shower and pulled on my uniform. Even the sunlight was giving me a headache. I snatched some sunglasses from one of my drawers, planted them on my face and walked downstairs. I was surprised to find Malfoy walking out at the same time. Usually he left much earlier than I did.
“Before you say anything,” I groaned at him, clutching my throbbing head. “I hate you too.”
Malfoy’s eyes narrowed. “Glad we have that covered.”
“Well I thought I’d just say it and get it out of the way so we could get on with our days.”
“What’s with the shades Weasley? You impersonating a Blue’s Brother?”
I stopped and leaned against a wall for support. “First of all I’m appalled that you know who the Blue’s Brother’s are. Second I feel like warm death.”
“You do too?” He massaged his temples irritably.
“It’s probably just a bug going around.” I inhaled sharply and slung my bag over shoulder.
We left the room at the same time, which was weird, but that seemed to be the way things were headed this morning. I went to the Great Hall for breakfast and sat next to Albus.
“Pass the eggs.” I ordered him as I laid my head on the cold table surface.
He gave me a look that I didn’t quite understand, but I wasn’t in the mood. “Just do it Albus.”
“What’s happening with you?” Hugo asked giving Albus and I a weird glance. He almost looked shocked to see us together. I don’t know why, but then again Hugo was an odd one.
“I feel like woke up with an elephant on my face…why?"
“Here,” Albus poured me some orange juice and passed me a plate of eggs. “What…um…What did you do yesterday?”
I closed my eyes to try and remember. “I can’t remember…I know I hung out with Kelly for a bit…I don’t know maybe I’m loosing it.” I groaned, “Do we have Quidditch today?”
Albus nodded, “At eight”
I swallowed down some food and pulled out my planner from my bag.
“What the hell?” I whispered softly rubbing my thumb over the words.
“What?” Albus snapped his attention to me immediately.
I blinked at his intensity, but answered him anyway. “I wrote down that I have a date tonight…I don’t have a date.”
“Maybe…you wrote it in hope for one?”
Glaring at Albus, I smacked his shoulder. “Yeah, because I’m that sad.”
“You’ve been known to make mistakes.”
“Hugo, why are you looking at Albus like that? Did he try and steal one of your women?” I joked easily as I starred at my furious brother.
“No,” Hugo’s eyes seared fiercely into Albus as he sat across from us. “He did something I completely and utterly don’t approve of.”
I leaned forward, concernedly. “Which was?”
“Why don’t you ask him?!”
Humoring Hugo, I turned to Albus. “Is there something you would like to share with the class?”
Hugo scowled. “Well, I hope your conscience catches up with you Albus.”
“I understand your opinion Hugo.” Albus told him sharply. “Now kindly fuck off.”
“Merlin.” I muttered under my breath as Hugo stalked off. “You two never fight.”
Albus couldn’t look me in the eye. “Yeah well it happens. Want to leave for potions?”
Albus insisted that it was nothing but I knew he was lying. There was something wrong and it wasn’t just with Hugo. I could feel that something was missing. I just couldn’t my finger on what it was. When I got to class it became worse. At first I just thought they were just looking at me because I was wearing sunglasses. But when I took them off not only did my headache grow, but so did my suspicion.
“Albus…is there something you want to tell me?”
I glared at him. “Everyone keeps starring at me.”
“They always do.”
“Not like this…”
Albus gave my arm a reassuring squeeze. “I have no idea Rose.”
I lowered my head down on my desk and was about to take a pre-class nap when I heard the whispering get louder. Rising, I glanced and saw Malfoy entered the room. What was the big deal? And why was everyone starring at us? We weren’t going to start brawl in the middle of the room. What was everyone’s problem?! Forcing myself to turn around, I starred at the dark wall next to me. What was going on with me? Was I just hallucinating or was there something wrong here?
Through class I tried to figure out what it could possibly be but none of my ideas seemed to stick. I did my class work and tried to talk to Albus, but I couldn’t shake this feeling. And it was like that all week.
Albus rarely left my side and when he did I would do things that seemed habitual to me that would force me to run into Malfoy. It started the day after I woke up with the headache. I went up to the Astronomy to clear my head and he was sitting there. Two hours later we ran into each other going to the kitchens and then again the next morning when I went to the library. And it didn’t end there either. Every time I just went somewhere without much thought, there he would be with the same annoyed expression as me.
Today I finally had enough. I was about to leave for the Gryffindor common room when I saw him heading down his staircase. Marching up to him I began to formulate what I would say. By the time he reached the bottom step I was ready.
“What is your problem Malfoy?”
He gave me a look of contempt. “With you? Would you like a alphabetized list?”
“Everywhere I go you’re there! And everyone whispers about us whenever we’re in a room together. What the hell is going on?!”
“First of all,” He started arrogantly, “I would never follow you Weasley. Who knows what kind of havoc would await me if I trailed you into one of your dreary book club meetings? Secondly I have no idea why people are doing that. I’m assuming they just are discussing how exceedingly attractive I am.”
I stared at him with a bewildered face. Nothing about his face had changed. He still had the same grey eyes, tossed blonde hair and pointed chin. But there were purple circles under his eyes and an unnerved look in his eyes that he was trying to hide. It was weird, but the longer I stood there the longer I wanted to be closer to him. Not just because I was attracted to him, but also because I knew how it would feel to be incased in his strong arms and feel his lips gently kiss my forehead. Now how in the world could I possibly know that?
“What are you thinking Weasley?”
This question struck me more than anything else because it felt so familiar. I couldn’t understand this, but I hoped that maybe I was just anxious about everything and I was over analyzing. Malfoy of all people probably thought I was going crazy. He certainly was looking at me as if I was going crazy.
“Nothing…Never mind. I’m just going…crazy.” I glanced up at his curious face and moved out of his way. “Sorry.”
“Are you alright? You look deranged.”
“As much as I appreciate your delicate compliments….I’m going to go and take a long nap. Hopefully when I wake up you and I, and everyone else will be back to normal.”
As I turned around, I shook my head and began to go around the corner to my staircase. I had this nagging feeling that he wanted to say something to me, but as I went up the staircase I heard nothing. Shaking my head to myself, I fell onto my bed. This was just anxiety over my unclear future. I was just making things up in my head because I was just trying to avoid how nervous I was about everything else. What else could it be?
I thought about writing my mum, but I didn’t want to worry her. She worried enough about Hugo and I without me adding fuel to the fire. I also considered writing dad, but the minute I rose to do it I stopped. For some reason I didn’t trust my father. I’d known the man my whole life and he’s always been there for me. So why now was I doubting him? Sure he wasn’t the most serious person and tended to be more vague then not but there have been times over the years where he had his moments of wisdom. Besides I couldn’t think of a reason in the world why I shouldn’t talk to him. So I pushed passed my instincts and got out some parchment and a quill.
I think I’m going a little crazy. Not crazy enough for you to tell mum, but obviously crazy enough for me to tell you about it. Do you ever have this feeling as if everything is just…off? I feel like I’m missing a something but I don’t have any clue what it is. I thought I was just acting weird because I’m worried about my future, but this feels…different. Do I sound crazy? Because I feel crazy. Even Malfoy thinks so, which shouldn’t bother me, but for some reason it does. I guess I can just add it to the list of things I simply don’t understand. But what I’m asking you is what I should do about it. I’ve tried ignoring it. But I can’t seem to get rid of this feeling. I love you and tell mum I say hi. My grades are good and I’m doing well in Quidditch so don’t worry about that stuff. I hope to see you soon.
Song in the title and summary is I Don't Want to Be By: Gavin DeGraw. Thank you for reading! And I especially want to thank all of you who took the time to review the last chapter! This chapter is a short one, but it's merely a transitional chapter. PLEASE REVIEW! Happy thanksgiving!
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