Chapter 20 : Crush
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*the plot and OC's belong to me, the rest belongs to J.K.
Shay had her 7th year Defense Against the Dark Arts class at the moment and was waiting for a certain student to enter her classroom. She hadn’t seen Jude Borchardt since their first occlumency lesson almost a week prior. He had missed his first regular lesson of that week and now Shay was starting to worry. She decided to do some investigating. She walked up to Albie Johnson, a 7th year Gryffindor and one of Jude’s closest friends.
“Johnson, talk to me out in the corridor for a bit,” Shay requested and motioned her head to the door.
Albie looked a little concerned but followed Shay despite it.
Shay closed the door as they entered the corridor.
“I haven’t seen Jude since last week. Can you tell me of his where abouts?” Shay asked.
“No, Professor. He hasn’t been around much lately,” Albie said and looked everywhere but Shay.
Shay nodded her head a bit and contemplated the situation for a few seconds.
“All right. Tell Borchardt that if he’s not in my office by 7 o’clock tonight, I’m going to Professor McGonagall. If I go to McGonagall, then that means he won’t play in next week’s quidditch match. And remind Mr. Borchardt that next match is against Slytherin. Maybe that will give some added motivation,” Shay said and she could have sworn Albie went white.
“Head back in. We’re covering advanced disarming spells today.”
It was nearly 8 o’clock and Shay was officially worried. Had she been too hard on him? Had she sent this boy off his rocker? Shay had told herself that she was going to go to McGonagall at 8. What other choice did she have? Shay walked out of her office when she made an interesting discovery. Jude was sitting outside her office and Shay couldn’t tell if he was sleeping or dead. Shay knelt down next to him and poked him in the chest a few times. He stirred a little bit so Shay spoke to him.
“Jude? Jude, wake up. You can’t sleep out in the corridor,” Shay said and watched him wake up.
“Professor Calhoun! Good morning to ya!” Jude said with an excited grogginess.
Shay could smell the whiskey on his breath.
“Borchardt, are you drunk?” Shay asked incredulously.
“Yes, I suppose I am,” Jude responded and seemed perfectly proud of himself.
“Get inside my office before you get yourself expelled, you idiot,” Shay said and pulled him up by his collar.
She pushed him into her office and slammed the door behind her.
“Take a seat,” Shay demanded and guided him towards the chair by the window and opened it to give him some fresh air.
“This is great. I love that we can hang out like this,” Jude said with a sloppy smile and Shay scowled at him.
“I’m going to make some tea and you’re going to drink it. Clear?” Shay said and started the pot.
“Crystal. You look beautiful tonight, Professor,” Jude spilled out stupidly.
“Shut it, Borchardt,” Shay said and sat across from him.
“Where have you been?” Shay asked, getting right down to the point.
“Here…there…everywhere,” Jude replied and laughed at himself.
“Get serious. Johnson must have talked to you. I should still go to Professor McGonagall. This isn’t acceptable behavior for a 7th year and quidditch captain.”
“Please don’t go to McGonagall,” Jude pleaded, finally being serious.
“Then talk to me. What’s been going on with you?” Shay asked and whisked the teapot and cups to the table in the middle.
“I can’t do what you guys ask of me,” Jude shared as Shay handed him a cup of tea.
“What do you mean? The occlumency lessons? Jude, we barely got started with them.”
“I’m not good enough. I’m not you,” Jude said into his cup.
Shay scoffed a little at the statement.
“Could have fooled me. No offense, but you are one of the most arrogant people I have ever met. And I hang out with a lot of big egos,” Shay said with a small smile.
She couldn’t help but to think of Sirius and James.
“You were right when you said you didn’t know what Dumbledore saw in me,” Jude admitted, self-pity oozing from his pores.
“I was just being nasty. I can get that way sometimes. Professor Dumbledore doesn’t waste his time on just anyone,” Shay said and took a sip of her tea but never took her eyes off of Jude.
“I’m a fraud.”
“No, you’re scared little boy.”
That got Jude’s full attention.
“I am not,” Jude said and slammed his cup of tea down.
“It only took one memory to get you this upset. You want to talk about your brother?” Shay asked and moved forward in her seat a little.
“No,” Jude said quickly and crossed his arms over his chest in a huff.
It made him look like a small child.
“He obviously upsets you. This is your chance to get it out so we can carry on.”
“He doesn’t upset me. I love my brother. I’ve been protecting Thomas his whole life,” Jude said indignantly.
“Why do you protect him?” Shay questioned softly.
She felt like a therapist.
“It’s the way some people treat him. Like he’s less than human or at least my parents feel so.”
“Your parents seemed nice from what I saw.”
“They’re great to me. I get great marks, have respectable friends and I’m a quidditch captain. What’s not to love,” Jude spat bitterly, “My brother’s not so lucky. They practically pretend like he doesn’t exist. It’s not his fault he was born that way.”
“Is your brother a…a…”
“Squib,” Jude interjected.
Shay waited for him to continue.
“If there is a ministry event, they leave him at home and just bring me. Both of my parents work at the ministry and none of their coworkers know about Thomas. I’m no better. I leave him all alone when I come here and only a few of my friends know about him. It’s almost as if I’m ashamed of him too. It makes me sick,” Jude said and was just gazing out the window.
“That’s awful, Jude. It’s a terrible feeling to be rejected by your parents. I’m sure he’s a great kid. But you can’t blame yourself for coming to school and getting an education,” Shay said.
Shay wasn’t sure if she should comfort him or not.
“You don’t understand how he feels. I don’t even understand and I’m there to witness it.”
“My parents were both in Slytherin and supporters of the Dark Lord. I grew up to be a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. How do you think they feel about me?” Shay said with a small smirk.
“That’s why Suzanna broke up with me,” Jude said suddenly.
“What do you mean?”
“When I finally trusted her enough to tell her about Thomas, she dumped me. She told me that she couldn’t be associated with a squib,” Jude finished quietly and Shay felt his misery.
“Then she doesn’t love you. If she did then she wouldn’t care that he is a squib,” Shay said and started to clear the table off.
“It doesn’t mean that I don’t love her.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Jude. You’re young and there are plenty of fish in the sea,” Shay comforted him with a smile.
"Anyway, I thought you and Matilda Harper had a thing," Shay continued.
"Suzanna was my first real love. Matilda was great but Suzanna was..." Jude didn't finish but Shay understood what he was trying to convey.
“By the way, thanks Professor. Nobody else would do this,” Jude said and helped Shay clear the dishes.
“Don’t mention it. Seriously, don’t. I’d get in a lot of trouble if someone found out about this. It’s like housing a fugitive,” Shay joked and she heard Jude laugh.
When she turned around, he was standing right in front of her.
“Borchardt, what the hell…” Shay got out before Jude went in for the kill.
It took a few seconds for Shay to realize that Jude was kissing her. She was absolutely flabbergasted.
“This can’t happen!” Shay exclaimed as she pushed Jude away.
“I think you’re extravagant,” Jude practically whispered.
“I’m your professor, Borchardt and you’re drunk. You will regret this in the morning.”
“No I won’t,” Jude said and shook his head.
He wouldn’t break eye contact with Shay.
“Not to mention that I’m engaged,” Shay said and flashed her ring in front of his face.
This seemed to really bother him.
“Why?” was all he could muster up.
“Because I love someone who loves me back. I think it’s time for you to go back to your dormitory,” Shay said and kindly put a hand on his shoulder.
She felt as if she just broke his heart. Jude looked a little defeated as Shay escorted him towards the door.
“Do you hate me?” Jude questioned as Shay opened the door.
“No, Jude. I don’t hate you. Now go to bed and make sure you show up to class on Monday,” Shay said with a small smile.
Jude nodded his head and began his walk back to his dormitory. Shay closed the door behind her and wondered what the hell just happened.
Shay didn’t know what to do with herself after what happened with Jude, but she could only think of one person at the moment. Shay decided to floo to Sirius’s cottage, even though it was almost midnight and she had to teach class in the morning.
Shay arrived in the living room and was greeted by Jack, who was surprised to see his long lost owner.
“Hey buddy,” Shay said and knelt down to pet him, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Shay gave him a kiss on top of the head and continued on to Sirius’s bedroom. Shay slowly opened the door and peeked in. Sirius was fast asleep. Although Shay was happy that she could surprise him, all she could think about was how easy it would be for a Death Eater to off him at that very moment.
Shay approached the bed slowly and gently sat next to Sirius. He must have been in a deep sleep because he didn’t move an inch.
“Sirius,” Shay said softly and began to shake the sleeping man.
“Sirius, wake up,” Shay said a little louder.
Still, there was nothing.
“Sirius!” Shay shouted and Sirius shot up with a look that made Shay lose herself in laughter.
“Merlin, Shay. You almost scared me to death,” Sirius said, out of breath and still a bit frightened.
“I’m sorry. I just wanted to surprise you,” Shay said and ran her fingers through his hair.
“You’re quite the sound sleeper,” Shay said with a worried smiled.
“Don’t worry about my sleeping habits, Shay. It’s the last thing you need to distract yourself with,” Sirius said and laid back down.
“Can I join you?” Shay asked.
“Of course,” Sirius replied and shifted the blankets for her.
“What brings you here at this time of night?” Sirius asked as he settled behind Shay.
He loved how she fit perfectly with him.
“Weird night at Hogwarts,” Shay said with a distant laugh.
“What happened? Is Snivellus giving you a hard time?” Sirius asked and rested his chin on her shoulder.
“No, Sirius. Severus hasn’t talked to me since you offended him. It’s a student.”
“What’s the problem?” Sirius asked.
“You remember that 7th year I was telling you about? Jude Borchardt?” Shay questioned slowly.
“Yea, he’s the git that’s giving you a hard time with it.”
“He kissed me,” Shay blurted out and waited for Sirius’s reaction.
There was none.
Shay rolled over to face Sirius. He looked none too pleased.
“He was drunk and spilling his guts to me and he must have gotten caught up in the moment. I stopped it right away and told him it wasn’t okay. I just wanted to tell you because I thought you should know,” Shay rambled on, still waiting for Sirius’s reaction.
“Well, I guess I can’t be mad at you over some horny teenage hormones,” Sirius said with a somewhat bitter smile.
“I really don’t think he meant it. We all do stupid things when we’re drunk. I just hope it’s not too awkward during our next occlumency lesson,” Shay said and thought about the information Jude had shared with her that night.
It made her unbelievably sad.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Sirius said and enveloped Shay, noticing her discomfort.
Shay realized that Sirius was falling back asleep but she couldn’t stop thinking about Jude’s brother. Shay turned her back to Sirius because she felt tears coming on. It made her a wreck to think about how a parent could be so cruel to their own child, when that child can’t control something like being a squib.
Sirius was awoken by Shay shaking in his arms.
“Are you cold?” Sirius asked but got no reply.
He rose above her to see her face and saw the tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Shay I’m not at all upset about the kiss. Really, I’m not,” Sirius said with a concerned tone.
“No it’s not that,” Shay said and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t understand why terrible people are allowed to keep their children. What did we do to deserve losing ours?” Shay asked and started to cry harder.
Sirius was taken aback by the sudden turn of topic.
“I wish I could answer that for you. Somebody decided it was their right to take it into their own hands. If we lived in a different world, we would still have Cillian.”
“I really miss him, Sirius,” Shay sobbed.
Sirius couldn’t help but feel upset with her. He pulled her closer into himself and rested his mouth on the nook of neck.
Some moments couldn’t be fixed with words.
“Good. You’re finally on time,” Shay said with a tight smile to Jude as he entered her office.
“I finally learned how to read a clock,” Jude said with a smirk, trying to break the ice.
This was the first occlumency lesson since he had kissed her.
“I have something special planned for today,” Shay said and traveled to her closet as Jude approached her desk.
“Special?” Jude questioned and looked a bit surprised.
“Do you know what this is?” Shay asked as she rolled out a large basin.
“A pensieve?” Jude seemed to be questioning the object’s presence more than anything.
“Correct, you are.”
“Why do you have a pensieve?” Jude asked from his chair.
“There are a lot of memories that I just do not want floating around my head on a daily basis. Professor Dumbledore gave it to me when I get my memory back,” Shay said and smiled fondly, thinking of the old wizard.
“You lost your memory?”
“I suppose I never got into that in class. Yes, I did. After I was rescued I woke up with no recollection of who I was. So after a half a year of torture, I had no clue that it actually happened. It’s not as pleasant as some would think. It’s very terrifying not knowing who you are,” Shay said while admiring the ghostly colors of her memories lurking in the pensieve.
“What does this have to do with me?”
“I want to show you why you need to learn Occlumency. It saved my life and in the future, it could save your own,” Shay said and motioned for him to stand next to her.
Jude looked a little apprehensive as he walked towards his professor.
“I just need to remind you that these are only memories, things that have already happened. You can’t change what’s going on. You are practically a ghost when you enter, which also means that nothing can physically hurt you,” Shay said while pulling up her needed memory.
“Are you going as well,” Jude asked, his eyes blazing with anxiety.
“If you want me to,” Shay replied and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
He tensed up a bit and Shay remembered the kiss and quickly took her hand off.
“It’s ready when you are, Jude,” Shay said, giving Jude his queue to submerge himself.
Shay watched as her student was quickly engulfed by the pensieve. Shay followed suit.
Shay appeared next to Jude in a dimly lit dungeon. Shay’s heartbeat couldn’t help but rise when she entered that awful room once again.
“Is that…?” Jude couldn’t seem to finish his thought.
“Lord Voldemort. He’s a frightening figure the first time you see him. Unfortunately, most people only see him once before they die. They don’t have the time to realize that he’s only just a man. Barely.”
“Why are we here?” Jude asked and Shay could see him clamming up.
“You need to see this Jude. I don’t know how else to motivate you. Follow me,” Shay said and walked over to Voldemort’s chair.
The pair stood besides the chair and laid their eyes on none other than Shay herself.
“By this time, I had been here for at least three months. A few times a week, Voldemort would try to penetrate my mind to get information. The days that didn’t happen, he had his followers torture me mercilessly,” Shay explained.
Shay couldn’t take her eyes off the beaten woman kneeling in front of her. She had never seen these events from this angle; however, she felt an ultimate connection to her former self.
“You look tired today, Shay,” Voldemort spoke to the Shay kneeling in front of him.
She did not answer.
Jude’s eyes went wide at the sound of Voldemort’s voice.
“I hope my loyal Death Eaters are not treating you too harshly. Some times they just don’t know how to treat a guest.”
Voldemort’s words got a round of sniggers from the circle of Death Eaters.
Shay still kept silent.
“Cat got your tongue? Or should I say Lucius?” Voldemort asked and received another round of laughter, more raucous this time.
“It’s not any fun if you don’t play along, Shay,” Voldemort said in an almost pleasant tone and leaned towards the memory of Shay.
“Just get it over with already,” Shay mumbled, nearly inaudible.
Shay remembered this. She had been starved and could barely keep her head up. This was one of the times Shay nearly cracked.
“You’re all business, Miss Calhoun. What’s life without a little fun? These people around you work very hard. They deserve a bit of a show.”
“They deserve to rot in Azkaban,” Shay muttered.
Jude looked at the present-day Shay with astonishment.
“I was never good at keeping my mouth shut,” Shay explained to him.
“That’s not a very nice thing to say. Apologize,” Voldemort demanded.
When Shay did nothing of the sort, Voldemort hit her with a Cruciatus curse.
“Because my mind was so protected, Voldemort couldn’t use the Imperius curse on me. So he used the Cruciatus to get his way most of the time. I’m proud to say that it rarely ever worked,” Shay said to Jude as she watched him go white at the scene in front of him.
The pair watched the memory of Shay writhe with pain on the dungeon floor. Jude tried looking away but Shay immediately corrected him.
“You need to see this,” was all she said.
“Your life would be so much easier if you would comply, Shay,” Voldemort spoke again.
“That old buffoon Dumbledore hasn’t taught you much but how to get yourself killed. Let me show you the right way, Shay. I can promise you greatness. Eternal glory.”
“I’d rather die,” Shay spoke evenly after recovering from the Cruciatus curse.
“You’re a silly girl. Your pride a disillusioning your future.”
Voldemort hit her with another Cruciatus curse. The dungeon echoed with her screams. Then Shay went still.
Shay watched Jude’s worry etch his face.
“He’s using Legilimency on me. This is what kept me alive,” Shay explained.
“What do you mean?”
“He couldn’t reach into my mind. Not an inch,” Shay said with pride for herself.
“I can’t watch this anymore,” Jude said with a wavering voice as Voldemort hit Shay with a particularly strong Cruciatus curse after she pushed him out of her mind.
“All right, I think you got the point,” Shay said and pulled herself and Jude out of the memory.
“Sit down and have a bit of chocolate. It will get rid of the queasiness,” Shay said and pulled out a small Honeydukes bar.
Jude looked thankful and took a load off.
“It only got worse, didn’t it?” Jude asked after taking a few bites.
“Yes, but I knew I was getting out of there. It gave me something to hang on too. But like I said, what kept me alive was the fact that I wouldn’t let him in. Jude this ability didn’t come to me over night. Yes, it helps to have some natural ability but that only goes so far. I practiced all the time because I knew it would be useful one day. It’s just very important that you try, Jude.”
“I would never be able to hold out against You-Know-Who,” Jude said.
“But you would probably be able to hold out against a Death Eater. You have more of a chance of running into one of them.”
“You must be an incredibly strong witch, holding your own with You-Know-Who. I don’t know why you’re not working for the Ministry.”
“The Ministry is soiled with Death Eaters. I’m safe here at the moment,” Shay said with a small smile.
Jude looked as if he had something to say but wasn’t sure to speak on it.
“Professor, about the other night…” Jude started but Shay quickly interrupted him.
“Don’t mention it. Let’s just pretend like it never happened.”
“I meant what I said though.”
“What?” Shay asked uncomfortably.
“That I think you’re extravagant,” Jude said with a pleasant, yet slightly embarrassed smile.
“This conversation isn’t appropriate, Jude.”
“I know, I know. I guess I just want to thank you for dealing with me,” Jude finished and went a little red.
“It’s what the headmaster wanted. I honestly hope that you don’t have to use any of this. I hope the war is over by the time you graduate, but the Order isn’t exactly on the winning side of things at the moment,” Shay said and took a seat behind her desk.
“Do you regret joining, taking into fact all the people you have lost?” Jude asked slowly.
Shay stared at him with confliction for a minute. She didn’t want to persuade him either way. It was an individual choice he was going to have to make.
“No, Jude, I don’t regret it and I never will.”
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