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Chapter 3 : Poker Face
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Al Potter has got to be one of the most obnoxious people I’ve ever met. He’s arrogant, annoying, stupidly attractive, and one of the biggest jackasses I’ve ever had the misfortune to know. In short, I hate his (incredibly hot) guts.
Though I’ve got no idea what was going through my head when I made that idiotic bet with him. Seriously, Charms is my worst subject. Right after isHiHistory of Magic. And, of course, Divination. But that’s mostly because I’m constantly making fun of Trelawney in these really snide, subtle ways that nobody but her picks up on.
There was this one time that I wrote in my dream journal that I had dreamt that a “bug-eyed monster that made me drink nasty tea and sit in a stuffy room for an hour every day tortured me throughout my night. And then when I woke up, it was still happening”. Man, she was pissed. Once I told her that I had seen something truly horrible in the crystal ball. She got all excited, like “oh my God, somebody’s gonna die! This totally makes my day!” I built up the suspense, and when she was practically frothing, I just said “yeah, there’s going to be a really bad case of fog tonight. Cheers!”
That was absolutely hilarious.
But I digress.
So, basically what happened was something along the lines of this:
Potter: Do you need help with that?
(This is as he watches me struggle to turn water to wine. He has already succeeded and is occasionally taking big gulps of his expensive, high-end French wine.)
Potter: Are you sure? Because you look like you could use it.
Me: I don’t need help.
Potter: Right. No, seriously, I’m pretty good at Charms, just let me help.
Me: Just let me do this myself, okay?
Potter: Alright, fine.
(He watches me for a few more minutes.)
Potter: Okay, this is driving me batty. Just let me help, please?
Me: For the last time; no!
Potter: Don’t deny it, you need help. Come on, let me give you a hand.
Me: I don’t need help. I’m quite good at Charms, and I couldn’t care less whether or not you think I need help.
Potter: Yeah, right. You’re not good at Charms.
(I’m pissed at this point. In my defense, the girls in my dorm kept me up late talking, so I was already in a bad mood before classes started.)
Me: Twenty galleons says I am, Potter.
Potter: You’re on. Whoever’s the top of the class by the end of the month wins. Oh, and to make this a bit more fun, let’s say that the loser has to do something incredibly embarrassing in front of the school. And the winner gets to decide what the loser does.
(I scoff like I’m actually going to win this bet.)
Me: I can’t wait to get those twenty galleons, jackass.
Potter: Oh, they’re so mine, bitch.
Yeah, I’m pretty much screwed.
“Rose! Rose, I need your help! I made this really stupid bet and now I’m going to have to pay your idiot cousin twenty galleons, and I don’t have twenty galleons, and then I’m going to get humiliated in front of the whole school and why am I such an idiot?!” I half-whined, half-yelled, as I sat down next to Rose in Transfiguration, the only class I had that Potter wasn’t in.
“Shut up, you psychotic bint! I need to take notes!” Rose hissed at me without even turning around.
Well, then. Glad to know my “friends” love me so much.
“You only want to take notes because you’re scared of McGonagall. Seriously, though, I’m in trouble here.”
“I’ll talk to you after class. I’m also in a bit of trouble, so just suck it up.”
I stared at Rose in shock for a second.
“Wait, you’re in trouble? Seriously? Whoa, that’s weird.”
“Oh, just shut up.”
After class (and yes, I did shut up, but it was only after a Silencing Charm), Rose and I sprinted to the nearest loo in order to sort out our idiotic decisions of the day. Turns out, Rose’s idiotic decision was almost as bad as mine. She made a bet with Scorpius (yeah, the one who’s my cousin) that she would beat him in Potions by the end of the semester, or he got to take her on a date. And guess what? Rose sucks at Potions. And the best part? She thinks that Scorp is just trying to humiliate her.
I know! That girl is so oblivious sometimes! Seriously, last night all the obnoxious girls in my dorm were talking about the perfect couples at Hogwarts, and somehow Rose and Scorp made the list. She had such a spazz-out. It involved a lot of her denying every allegation that Scorp fancied her, even though at dinner he had been jumping through hoops in order to make her happy.
No, really. She wanted mashed potatoes, but there weren’t any left. So Scorp literally got up and went to the kitchens to get her some goddamn potatoes. Scorp overheard a bunch of shitheads commenting on Rose’s body and he actually got up and walked across the table so that he could beat them up. He definitely fancies her, and even the other blokes have picked up on something, but Rose is completely oblivious.
It’s rather infuriating.
“Argh, Rose, don’t you get it? He fancies you!” I yelled, practically yanking my hair out by its roots. Rose looked affronted, apparently having trouble comprehending the fact that I was trying to tell her what was blatantly obvious to everyone but her.
“No, he doesn’t. He’s just trying to lull me into a false sense of security and then – BAM! He’s going to attack.” Rose had a demonic and slightly obsessed look on her face as she paced around the bathroom.
I was, by this point, backing up towards the door as subtly as I could with a look of fear on my face. Man, I’m such a great example of the Gryffindor spirit.
“Um, Rose…are you feeling alright?” I questioned hesitantly as I back up against the door, ready to push it open and flee for my life like the brave person I am.
“NO I’M NOT BLOODY FEELING ALRIGHT!” she shrieked, causing me to wince in pain. “MY SWORN ENEMY IS GOING TO KILL ME IN MY SLEEP WITH A RUSTY KNIFE!”
Now that is simply taking things a tad bit too far.
“Okay, Rose, do I need to sedate you and bring you to the Hospital Wing?”
“NO, YOU CERTAINLY DO NOT! I’M PERFECTLY FINE! I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE KILLED IN MY BLOOD SLEEP!”
“Rose. Shut up.”
“I’M NOT GOING TO SHUT UP! MY LIFE IS IN DANGER!”
“For the love of God, just shut the hell up.”
“I REFUSE TO!”
I pulled at my wand and flicked it at her. “Silencio.” I muttered.
Rose glared at me reproachfully, opening and closing her mouth like fish. She eventually accepted defeat and crossed her arms, resorting to merely glaring at me.
“Listen, Rose, just don’t hate Scorp completely. Sure, he can be a bit of a git sometimes, but he’s a really good bloke underneath that. Anyways, you two are kind of perfect for each other, so just – I dunno, give it a shot.”
Ladies and gentleman, meet Charlie Greengrass, the best love life consultant in Hogwarts.
Rose continued to glare at me, refusing to acknowledge my fabulous advice. So I shrugged and pushed the door open with my foot and turned around and left. Gee, I’m such a fantastic friend. I just leave Rosey alone in the bathroom with a Silencing Charm on her.
But this is Rose Weasley, people. I’m willing to bet she’s already halfway through removing the Charm as we speak – or, more accurately, as I think-ramble.
As I casually strolled down the corridor, trying to remember what class I had next (I lost my schedule during first period. So sue me) I heard the bell ring.
Well, shit. There goes any hope of making a good impression with my professors.
…even though these are the same professors I’ve had since First Year, and they all pretty much think I’m a bloody angel.
You know, that could definitely work out to my advantage.
Suddenly someone grabbed my arm and yanked me halfway down to the dungeons before I could register who it was. Why, hello Scorpius! Thanks for calmly walking up to me and telling me that my next class was Potions, like a normal person.
“Ahhh!!! Let go of me, Scorp! I get it! Potions is my next class and you’re creepy for knowing that!” I screamed as he dragged me down hallways, fully enjoying every minute of this because I knew damn well that Scorpius hated loud noises. Loud noises=me yelling at the top of my lungs right in his ear.
Ah, cousin love.
“Would you shut up!” he finally roared back.
“Love you two, sweetie.” I quipped, smirking.
He flipped me off with his free hand right before yanking me through the doorway to the Potions classroom. He then promptly dropped my hand and scurried away from me as though trying to prove that he wasn’t related to me/didn’t have any idea who I was. I don’t think it worked too well, considering the fact that everyone in the class started whispering and murmuring amongst themselves the second we made our rather spectacular entrance.
But it was pretty amusing, seeing as Scorp had succeeded in doing a perfect impression of a humanoid crab scuttling around the ocean floor. Glad to know that that’s in my gene pool. I am so never having kids. It might be hereditary.
I might as well keep him around for his spectacular displays of immaturity and the proceeding hilarity that follows these displays.
“Wait, are Malfoy and that girl together?” I heard someone ask, obviously trying to whisper the question to their partner/friend but simultaneously failing miserably.
Ew. That’s disgusting.
After I got done retching at that truly horrifying assumption, I swung my arm around Scorp’s shoulders and said, quite loudly, “Thank you for telling me Potions was my next class, dearest cousin!” in a falsely cheerful voice.
Scorp looked at me in confusion, which made sense, considering that I never voluntarily touched Scorp this much unless I was in the process of beating the shit out of him.
Intense cousin love, right there.
He didn’t seem to be catching on to what I was trying to do (prove to the whole class that WE’RE RELATED AND DON’T BELIEVE IN INCEST. AND THAT THAT’S JUST NASTY), so I elbowed him in the side and gave him a glare that probably would have made Genghis Khan cry for his mother. He gulped but fortunately cottoned on to my vastly complex plan that involved smiling at me and saying something along the lines of, “hey, no prob cuz!”
So Scorp grinned at me and said, “Hey, no prob cuz!”
That. Is. So. Awesome.
“Ahem.” We both turned around guiltily, wincing slightly at the impending punishment. Professor Longhorn was very strict when it came to being tardy.
Other than that, he was actually pretty cool.
“Do you have any excuse for being late, Miss Greengrass and Mr. Malfoy?” he asked sharply, leaning on his desk.
“Erm…well, see, there were these Japanese tourists…and some Hawaiian shirts…and maybe a few pizzas…” I said, trailing off as my Sentence O’ Shit became even more stupid.
Scorp gave me a look that quite clearly said, “are you an idiot? I can’t believe I’m related to you” and then jumped in with the most well-though out excuse I’ve heard since that time in Third Year when I – you know, never mind. You really don’t want to know about the Great Popcorn Incident.
Damn, I’ve said too much already!
“…so, Professor, I stopped to help her pick her things up, and we both ended up late.” Scorp finished, looking at Longhorn earnestly.
I can only lie like that when I’m in a situation of extreme duress.
I blame genetics.
“Very well, then. Mr. Malfoy, you may join Mr. Potter. Don’t wreak too much havoc this year. We had budget cuts this past summer.” There was sniggering from the class as Prof Longhorn displayed his fantastic sense of dry humor. “Now, Miss Greengrass, you may sit with…” I watched nervously as he scanned the classroom. “Ah. You can go and sit with Mr. Dakota.”
Chris Dakota is this really dickheaded bloke who thinks he’s God’s gift to woman and humankind everywhere. He’s also in Slytherin, which is quite fitting.
I shuddered and then sat down next to him, albeit as far away as I could. I mean, you never know. Assholeicness might be contagious. And yes, that is a word. Or, at least, it is now. What now!
And I need to stop thinking.
Oh, ew, he’s talking to me!
I glanced over at him and immediately did a double take. He was…grinning at me. And he was doing that really sexy eye-smolder thing that guys do when they want to charm the pants off of girls. Quite literally.
“I’m Chris. And you’re?”
“Charlie. I’ve been in your year since First Year, you idiot. Thanks for noticing.”
“Huh. Feisty, eh? Well, then you’ll be worth the wait.”
HE’S SO PERVY!!!!!!
Where’s Scorp when you need him?
I grimaced and turned my attention back to Longhorn, who was currently telling us about the Draught of Living Death, which we were going to be making.
And then I felt something touch the side of my face and turned my head to see Dakota leaning in much too close and brushing some hair out of my face.
No. No. No. This is not okay. I am not cool with this.
Dakota moved even closer to me, fixated on my lips.
And that was when I bitch slapped him across the face.
Yeah. So, I kind of had writer’s block for a little bit on this story, but I’m cool now. And I’ve also got the plot moving, sooo….yeah.
Review please! And thank you to those of you who have reviewed thus far. It really helps my ego’s mission of taking over the world.
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