Chapter 4 : The 'talk' and other atrocities
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“James, what is a MILF?” asked Isabelle, as she was sprawled upside down on my bed, carelessly flipping through a copy of Witch Weekly that she stole from my sister.
My eyes bulge.
Well shit. I don’t know how I manage to do it, but somehow I am always able get myself into these situations.
I mean, how in Merlin’s name, do you explain to a conservative-and might I add prudish ghost-what the acronym of MILF stand for. I mean, she thinks a woman exposing her knees is an indecent and improper gesture, for Circe’s sake. Well I can check this one off my bucket list. ‘Try to explain to an asexual ghost what MILF stands for’
Suddenly someone is clicking their flingers in front of my face. “Hello, Jimmy? Anyone home? You were staring off into a distance, so what does a MILF mean?”
“A-a-a MILF” I manage to spit out.
Wow. Good going James, I think you just about beat dad’s attempt at telling you about the birds and the bees, and that’s a pretty solid record to beat.
One vital piece of information you should know about Harry James Potter which I learnt at the youthful age of nine. The chosen one, can battle dragons (and win), defeat basilisks and vanquish Voldemort, but is physically unable to give his eldest son ‘the talk’.
Oh, you think I’m kidding.
Oh, that’s almost funny.
If I wasn’t MENTALLY SCARED because of this so-called ‘talk’ he gave me.
Suddenly, my door burst open and Albus runs into my room charging at me and knocking me to the floor.
Out of all the things we as men are ‘supposed’ to do, I have to say fighting for the ‘FUN’ of it, has got to be the stupidest. And no it’s not because I am physically unable to fight back. Phffts, why would you even suggest such a thing?
“Come on loser, mum says we need to go to Diagon Alley”
Then as soon as he was here, he is gone again- magical disappearing man he is.
“What a flipping tosspot. Are you sure he is not on some sort of illegal substances?” asks Isabelle
“You know I wish he was because that would explain his weird emotions and constant stupidity. But no, he’s not and how do you know about drugs anyway?” I ask.
“I read, so back on topic. What. Is. A. MILF?”
“Isabelle, I don’t feel comfortable telling you what a MILF is?” I say
She gives me the scariest death glare I have ever seen in my whole entire life. And I have played witness to some of my mum death glares, and let me just say she gives bloody good ones. But you know I guess it helps that Isabelle’s dead.
Get it, death glare-dead.
No. O-kay. Never mind then.
“Who’s a MILF?” A deep voices asks
At this we both whip our heads around and see my dad standing there looking awkward. This should come as no surprise because this is his usual stance.
At the start of this conversation my hands immediately begin to run through the back of my hair and I rock on the balls of my feet.
“Um... if I said no one would you believe me?”
“No.” Dad says with no trace of humour in his voice.
“No, oh I see um...”
O-kay then, time for plan B. Damn you Isabelle.
“Well you see I was just admiring um.....”
Come on James think of an older woman that is not a family member.
Professor McGonagall. Professor McGonagall. Professor McGonagall?! Are you freakin’ insane? The one older woman you think of, that isn’t a part of your family and all you can come up with is Professor McGonagall. Oh for the love of all things Magical.
“BUT,” I nearly shout out of frustration or embarrassment. At the moment I’m unable to differentiate the two, “in a totally platonic and non-sexual way. Yeah. Um, I think I’ll be going now.”
“James wait. We need to have a talk”
Oh good Merlin, this is never good.
“The emotions and umm...err....arr...you know...sensations, yeah sensation”
Yes, you heard right. The man said ‘sensations’, if he starts to do hand gestures I’m walking out of here.
“Your feelings are...um ...totally normal, if not a bit odd for professor McGonagall. But all about being a teenager is experiencing...um... h-h-h-hormones.” He says awkwardly, joined with a hand gesture for hormones by moving his fingers up and down all at different times. Whenever dad is uncomfortable with a word he makes a hand gesture for it. Strangely enough it is both amusing and scaring at the same time.
“Ew, okay dad there is only so much awkward sex talk I can take from you at this point in time” I say as I turn around and walk in the opposite direction. This would have been more powerful if I didn’t trip and fall on my face while I was doing it.
Classy. Way to look like you are trying to prove a point.
Dad grasped for my hand and helped me to my feet.
Oh fuck it.
“Now son...” Dad starts
“Um dad I’ve got to run, nature calls”
“You’re joking, we have to go to Diagon Alley in like two minutes and I need to have a fatherly son talk with you before that.”
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
“Hey when you learn to hold it, then you have permission to lecture, until then I REALLY NEED TO GO!” I half-yell like a mad man.
That got his attention.
Mental note: Crazy, psychotic works. If you need to get out of any sticky situation, use this method of escape.
He lets me pass and I do an awkward looking sprint to the bathroom and slam the door closed.
“God, any more forceful and he’ll put you in a mental institution.” Says Isabelle
“Well what was I supposed to do, he wasn’t going to let me pass otherwise.”
“Hey, I was just telling you how it looked from another’s perspective, just being honest here”
“As per usual” I say.
This was the last thing I said before my whole world turned black. My vision was still slightly hazy, but as it slowly returned I opened my eyes to the scene of the corridor outside my bedroom.
“You have to talk to him”
“I can’t, I mean what do I say to a nine year old about......you know.... that topic”
“Well, he can’t NOT know, can he? Hermione has already given Rose the frickin’ talk and she is two years younger than him for crying out loud”
“Why can’t you do it Gin” Dad whined, “You are so much better at this then me”
Ain’t that the truth.
“Because it says in that parenting book I got off Hermione that James needs to hear it from his father figure which is YOU; it also says that if I gave him the talk it would make him feel awkward and uncomfortable”
If only she knew how wrong she was I would have rather had the talk from pretty much anyone but dad, actually, I would have taken grandma Weasley as an alternative, and that my friend, is saying something.
Dad tentatively walked up to my bedroom door. He stopped hesitantly and stepped to the side of the handle for just a quick moment outside the door. It took at least a couple of vulgar hand gestures and a hostile look from mum for Dad to actually be able to strike up enough courage to tap on my door.
“Hiii ya, James” elongated dad awkwardly as he entered my nine-year-old bedroom; filled small broomsticks, soft toys and posters of old Quidditch stars.
As you can plainly hear ladies and gents this is not the sound of a confident man. This is the sound of possibly the most awkward man on the Earth at this exact time.
I see Isabelle sitting cross-legged on my bed reading me an old muggle tale she had found in the library that day.
“What ya... um doing sport?”
“Um... just reading.” Says nine-year-old me sounding unsure.
“You do know the book is facing the other way, don’t you?” Dad asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Um yeah, I’m.... um... trying to remember it off by heart”
“okay, um... anyway what I came here to say was..... well you see. How do I put this?”
“Creation” he busts out “ of um... living... things you know the...arrr... birds and the bees” he manages to spit out but not well while making up hand eccentric hand gestures to go with the birds and the bees.
“Oh in the name of all things holy, he’s not please tell me he’s not going to give you ‘the talk’.” Isabelle says
“What’s the birds and the bees?” nine- year-old me asks naively.
Trust me; you don’t what to know kid, especially from him.
“W-w-well, it’s...er...um... when a... m-m-mummy wizard and a daddy wizard love each other v-v-very much, they....ar...decide that....um they would like a...are... baby wizard...this err... happens when a m-m-mummy and daddy wizard..err...you know.. well of course you don’t...anyway ...their differences... um join.”
Yep, you heard right people. He described sex as ‘differences join’.
“Oh sweet Jesus, I think I just lost all the respect I once had for that man” Said Isabelle.
“I’ll um let you mull this over.”
Then he gets up and walks up out of my room. This is where he meets mum.
“So how did it go?” she asks
“Um, I think it went okay” he squeaked.
She frowned “It didn’t go well at all did it”
“Nope, not one bit”
Slowly the scene outside my bedroom starts to fade and I fall back into the old scene of my bathroom. But unlike all the other times I felt an odd sensation where I was conscious but unable to move a single muscle in my body. While I lay in the of state semi-consciousness on the bathroom floor, I was able to feel the icy temperature of the tiles; I realized then that this was by far one of the worst feelings I have ever had to endure during a vision. Then, finally, I was able to move again.
“James!” Isabelle squeaked with happiness “oh thank the merciful lord you’re okay, I was really worried for a second there, you were out longer than usual”
“Yeah, dad had a really firm grip on me, which knocked me out for a bit longer” I explain holding my head as the room spun as I began to sit up.
“Well, at least this time there is no blood” she says
“Yep, really. So what was it a memory or future event?” Isabelle asks curiosity filled in her eyes.
“Haven’t you ever heard of the saying, curiosity killed the cat?” I teased.
“Oh, ha ha very witty. Come up with that one yourself did you?” She said sarcastically
“If you must know, it was a memory. Do you remember the time when my dad tried to explain what the birds and the bees were when I was nine?”
“You had you re-live that?” her eyes practically bulging.
“You have my deepest sympathies, you truly do.”
“JAMES GET YOU’RE ARSE DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW BEFORE I SHRED YOUR PUDDLEMORE UNITED JERSEY” Mum shouted at an ungodly decibel thought to be unreachable by man or woman.
“Coming!” I say hastily.
At this time of year Diagon Alley is at its busiest, which means it’s crowded and people are constantly bumping into each other, including me, which means I have to wear as much clothing as possible. Being summer makes this awfully difficult. It also makes me look like a freak, but hey, it’s not like I’m used to constant name calling and being on the receiving end of weird looks.
“Mummy, why is that boy wearing all that clothing? It’s summer time, won’t he be hot?” asks a little boy while he points at me.
Great, even a kid thinks I’m a freak. My life is complete.
“I don’t know Brock, but it is impolite to point.”
Yeah kid, so don’t do it.
And who in their right mind names their kid Brock? I mean, it’s like a mixture between bread and rock. Poor kid, no wonder he’s impolite.
“Must you wear all that clothing James? I mean, it’s summer for crying out loud and you must be boiling” asks mum worriedly pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah, plus it makes you look like a freak. I can’t be seen with you like this it will ruin my reputation.” Says Albus arrogantly.
After he says this both Mum and Lily simultaneously slap him on the back of his head.
“Merlin’s pants, I was joking can’t anyone take a joke around here”
“Yes we can, but your jokes are famously known for having absolutely no humour in them” Lily says shrewdly.
Albus opened his mouth to speak but Dad over took him.
“Anyway I was thinking maybe we can start at the Flourish and Blotts and then..”
“Sorry, can’t, have to meet Courtney and the girls to go shopping. If you could just get my schoolbooks for me, that would be awesome. Thanks dad. Love you” Lily gave Dad a kiss on the cheek and hastily sped off into the opposite direction before he could get out a single word.
“Yeah, I also have to run. I told Jason that I would meet up with him now so see ya later.”
Like Lily, as soon as he was here, he was gone.
“I guess you’re going too.” He assumed
“No, I mean who else other than Mum, is going to help you with all the books?” I ask.
He smiled gratefully at me “Thanks”
“No problem, can you just promise me one thing though?”
“Sure, if it’s within reason” he says
“Never try and give me any kind of sex or body changes talk ever again”
Mum starts to burst out laughing.
But Dad’s eyes widen in utter shock but then I see him relax “You have yourself a deal”
“Do you know what? I think he is actually quite relieved about not having to give you another ‘talk’” Isabelle whispers in my ear.
“Sweet Merlin” I shout in surprise.
“Is everything, okay?” Dad asks, suspiciously.
“Fine, fine... just...ah realised how… yellow the sun looked. Yeah wow, that is some yellow sun, eh?”
Wow, realised how yellow the sun looked; now that’s a new low even for me. As you can see, I don’t flourish when I am put under pressure to come up with really witty responses or excuses.
“Um... okay, are you sure you’re feeling alright? Sure you don’t want to take off that jacket?” Mum asks apprehensively.
“NO!” I shout.
They both look at me eyes wide. Woops, maybe not so psychotic.
“I mean, no I’m perfectly fine. Let’s go shall we?”
While my Mum and Dad walk in front, I make sure I lag behind them so I can talk to Isabelle.
“What the bloody hell was that? You scared me half to death.” I whisper.
“Yet you are miraculously still breathing” she said her voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Oh very witty”
“And don’t you think it should be me asking you that question? What was with the, ‘Fine just realised how yellow the sun looked.’ Are you that much of a dolt that you can’t find a better excuse?”
Ah, Isabelle always one to dish out compliments.
“Well, I was kind of put on the spot, no thanks to you and you know how bad I am at coming up with excuses under that kind of pressure; about as good as I am winning an arm wrestling match against Albus.”
“Oh that good hey” she says cynically
“Not helping Isabelle” I say frustrated.
“Who are you talking to mister, there is no one there?”
It’s that little shit head monster that pointed at me earlier.
“No one kid, just go back to your mummy I think you’re seeing things”
“Hey crazy man, I’m a BIG boy I am four years old and I saw you talking to yourself.”
Oh- great, now people are staring. This day just keeps on getting better and better.
“Look, four year old ‘big boy’ or whatever you want me to call you I just want to get on with my shopping and be left in peace. So you can go and do whatever you four year olds do.”
“Not until you admit to taking to yourself”
Oh for the love of Merlin, why?
“Well isn’t this kid a little rude brat” said Isabelle “porky too” she pointed to his stomach.
I think the word you’re looking for is fat shit head.
Isabelle, the boy and the crowed watching stared at me mouth agape.
“I said that out loud didn’t I?” I said looking at Isabelle.
“He said a rude word!” the boy pointed.
“Only one thing you can do at a time like this” Isabelle said.
“And what would that be?” I ask in a panicked tone.
“Run!” she said.
You didn’t have to tell me twice.
I practically bolted all the way to Flourish and Blotts. When I got there both Mum and Dad were waiting out the front of the store.
“What took you so long?” Mum questioned.
“I had a run in with a four year old”
“Never mind, let’s just go get this over and done with” I say carelessly.
As we walk in the shop is over crowed; people are literally crammed up against one another, bodies brushing up against others - it’s disgusting. But yet so wrong, its right.
“This is going to take a while” Dad says.
I feel like bashing my head up against a wooden post at the moment - shopping at this bookshop is that painful. We have been at Flourish and Blott’s for over an hour and we have only just reached the counter.
Doesn’t being the saviour of the wizarding world mean anything these days?
“Hi, Mr. Potter is this all I can get for you today” the woman at the cash register asks as she openly bats her abnormally long eye lashes at my Dad.
Oh yuck! I think my gag reflex is coming into motion.
“Well if there is anything else just let me know” she flirts “and I mean anything”
And there went my lunch.
“Okay” Dad says totally oblivious to this woman’s obvious flirting. “Well thanks for your help, bye”
All I can say is lucky mum wasn’t there or she would have backhanded her good and proper.
Ha! You think I’m joking again.
I’m not. She’s done it before to one of dad’s assistant. Poor girl, no one deserves the wrath of Ginny Potter especially a super hot assistant.
“Okay as much fun as this was, I have to go meet Marcus, I’ll see you for dinner yeah?” I say after helping my parents with the books.
“Okay, don’t be late. Love you” Mum says
“Oh do we have to meet up with Marcus?” Isabelle whines.
“Yes, and stop whining it’s very unbecoming of you.” I say.
Marcus is very… how do I say it in a nice way without sounding like a total arsehole? Eccentric, obsessive, horny, thinks he is a chick magnet but is actually has no idea how to talk to a person of the opposite gender and never thinks before he acts kind of guy. But all in all, he is my best living friend and has stuck by me through thick and thin.
You see Isabelle doesn’t like Marcus too much. This is mostly to do with the fact that she’s jealous because he is the only living person that knows about my secret, and not because I told him because he found out. What can I say? He is uber brainy and observant.
But he was surprisingly really cool with it. He is especially cool with it when I get visions of the Quidditch match outcomes and split the profits of the bets we place.
Isabelle still thinks I should erase his memory.
I see him casually sitting at a café openly staring at a pretty blonde waitress.
He is too busy ogling to notice my presence “Dude, you’ve got no chance”
This seemed to jolt him out of his thoughts, so much that he falls off his chair.
This seems to attract the eyes of a few people from the other tables. It also made Isabelle burst into hysterics.
“Smooth” I say while sitting down opposite him
“Not cool, mate, not cool” he said while getting up “So anyway, on a less embarrassing note, what’s up?”
At this statement Isabelle rolled her eyes.
Trust Marcus to get over something that easily.
“Nothing much, just recovering from Weasley day and hanging out with Isabelle”
“Oh, so which cousin or should I say cousins did you see hook up this time?”
“No, just one this time, Rose.”
“Rose?! Do tell my dear friend and don’t skip on the graphic detail, my good man.”
“Eh, disgusting pig” Isabelle says in repulse.
“I am not comfortable about talking to you about my GIRL cousins snogging experiences, which my eyes were scorched at the very sight of” I say traumatized “Oh, and Isabelle sends her love.”
As soon as I realised what I actually said in the last sentence, I regretted it instantly. Not long after the words left my mouth, I was victim to a hard slap on the back of my head courtesy of Isabelle Santiago, the world’s most temperamental ghost.
“Oh, see I knew behind all that hatred, you loved me deep, deep, deep down somewhere in that ice cold heart of yours”
You know how I mentioned how Isabelle dislikes Marcus. Yeah well the feelings mutual.
“Why that little SNOT NOSE BRAT! WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!” She roars ferociously at his face and then wraps her hands around his neck and begins to strangle him.
Oh may power of almighty Circe help me save my only living friends life - who is ironically being strangled to death by my other best friend who is dead.
Well, one thing is for sure my life is never boring.
“Isabelle let him go now!” I reason
“churck” Marcus chokes with his hands waving around the place.
He is going bluer by the minute; one dead best friend is enough and I don’t think I could possible stand two. I have to do something before he dies, and I’m forced into some mental asylum for the rest of my life.
“Isabelle Maria Santiago, remove your hands from Marcus neck right now.” I say in a deadly voice.
At this she lets go and sits down at one of the chairs, surprisingly calm.
“Sweet mother of Merlin, she’s psychotic!” he says.
She rolls her eyes.
“Okay, I think we have learnt our lesson here. Best not say anything rude to or about Isabelle. And Isabelle you need to find a healthier way to vent out your anger.” I say calmly.
“I think bashing Marcus is a perfectly healthy way to vent my anger and if I can’t take my anger out on him I’ll have to find a new target” then she bends over the table and whispers in my ear “and guess who the closest person is.”
“What is she saying?”
Oh, you know just her borderline psychotic murderous tendencies, what else?
“Nothing, of real importance” I squeak.
“So, what is troubling you Jimmy? I can see it in your eyes; well that and you have your brooding shoulders and ‘I am so disturbed’ facial expression. I mean I know Isabelle is annoying but seriously what’s wrong.”
“Thin ice” Isabelle grits through her teeth.
“Well, today I got a glimpse of one of my Dad’s visions...” I start
“Of the war” asks Marcus as he over takes.
“No, if you let me finish, you would have heard me say of the first time he attempted to give me the talk”
My eyes shift to Isabelle then back to Marcus.
You know for someone really bright. He can be extremely thick.
“You know ‘the talk’”
“No...” he said still having absolutely no idea what I am talking about.
“God, he get’s dumber as the years progress” Isabelle states.
He’s going to make me say it, isn’t he? That clueless bastard!
“The SEX talk for Merlin’s sake.” I say exasperatedly.
At this he gives me a huge smirk that pretty much covers most of his face.
“Yeah, I knew what you were talking about, I just like hearing you say the word sex.”
Okay, now that is disturbing.
“Ew, no not in that way. I mean when you talk or hear about anything sexual you have this look. It’s really funny. You look like a six-year-old girl if she was forced to say anything sexual. Probably has something to do with living with an 150-year-old ghost for seventeen years and being sexually deprived”
“Okay, firstly I can say sex words and secondly you’re a really disturbed person and I suggest seeing a counsellor.”
“Oh please, at the mere mention of the opposite sex you get clammy“
"Okay, this is my cue to leave”
“No don’t leave Isabelle.”
“She’s leaving? When we talk about women,shocker that one.”
There is a pause in the conversation, but not a long enough one.
“Do you know what I think? I think that you are just as prudish as dear Miss Santiago here. I think if anyone gave you the sex talk you would still be whining about how ‘mentally scared’ you are about the talk because you hate to talk about anything sex related. That and any other man would have seized the opportunity a while ago with Isabelle, I mean a hot girl who only you can see who lives in your bedroom who you can touch and you haven’t even had a snogging session yet. What is wrong with you man?”
I look at Isabelle, her face was indecipherable and poised - it is the calm before the storm. Then like it was second nature out of nowhere Isabelle’s hand shot up behind Marcus head and brought his head down hard to the table with a huge smash.
“I have absolutely no sympathy what so ever for you, I hope you know.”
Then out of the blue Isabelle asked “Ask him what a MILF is, for me”
“What, why not?”
“Because you won’t like the answer”
Then she grabbed a piece of paper and pen that were in front of her and began to write.
What is a MILF? ~ Isabelle
Oh Merlin’s mouldy jocks.
And then he stopped and thought about it and asked in a serious tone “Is she serious?”
I nod solemnly.
“Oh well, in that case it means. Mother I’d like to...”
“BEFRIEND” I shout.
Isabelle giggles, “Is that all? And you say I’m a prude James”
Then she skips away from the table.
“You are so whipped mate”
“Mummy, mummy, there he is. That’s that boy who said the bad word to me.”
I grab the back of Marcus’s collar “We have to go now”
Mental note: Never ever have kids and especially don’t name them after any type of yeast product or boulder.
Hey dedicated abnormal readers,
Long time no chapter.Eh? please don't kill me. I apologise for the excruciatingly long wait for this chapter, I had exams and a bit of writers block. This chapter is kind of sexually oriented, sorry if it made anyone feel uncomfortable. So what do you think? I desperately NEED to know what you think of this chapter, whether you loved it, liked it, thinks it needs improving or hated it. I need to know! So please type a few words into that little neglected box down of the page and I will be forever grateful. Oh, and what do you think of Marcus?
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