Printer Friendly Version ] [ Report Abuse ]
Back Next

Typical Clueless Guy by PygmyPuffLover
Chapter 6 : The Family
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 15

Background:   Font color:  

try not to drool over my future husband. this image of beauty is by Magic_Phoenix. 



Oi, have you got question nine?” Hugo hissed in my ear.

“Maybe.” I smirked.

He glared jokingly at me and tried to whip my piece of parchment off the desk, but I was too quick for him. I slammed my hand down on top of it and lay down flat against the desk, so he couldn’t see anything that I had written on my parchment. He scowled at me and pouted at the blackboard. I snorted.

As you can see, my sex appeal was so high at that moment. There is nothing hotter than sounding like a pig.

“You really have a problem with that, don’t you?” I teased.

“What?” he asked, looking wary.

“Pouting. You do it all the time.” I chuckled.

He jabbed me hard in the ribs with his elbow. 

Physical abuse! I'm pretty sure I should sue.

But I won’t, because I’m too nice.

Plus, I can’t be bothered.

We were both sitting at a desk on the back row of the charms classroom, where we were filling out a quiz to see how much we already knew of the next topic.

Fun, I know.

“Show me question niiiine,” he whined, extending the ‘i' so he sounded like a crying toddler.

Nooooo,” I said in the same voice, and he began to pout again.

He noticed my expression and quickly turned it into a scowl. 


Being friends with Hugo Weasley wasn’t actually that bad. Granted, we had only been friends for five-odd hours at that point, but it still wasn’t that bad. Charms was the last lesson of the day.

I had eaten my lunch with Lily in a roomy broom closet on the second floor that day to make sure I'd avoided Ariadne, who 'dlooked ready to kill through all of the previous lessons.

We had got quite a few funny looks when we left the closet together, I can tell you that now.

“Hey, I just realised something,” Hugo whispered to me. I looked up.

“I think you’ve broken some kind of personal record," he continued, "you haven’t slapped me in... five whole hours!”

“Oh shut up,” I scowled, and I turned my attention back to my quiz while he chortled at his own joke.

Sad little gimp. Only twits and first years laugh at their own jokes.

When I reached my arm out to dip my quill in my ink pot, Hugo glanced over my arm and copied down the answer to question nine at the speed of light.

I had to hide my smirk at his gleeful expression.

I had deliberately written the wrong answer to question nine, knowing he would find some way to copy it. Yeah, just like all the ninjas. I should totally get a badge or something of the sort.

I would change it at the end of the lesson, when he wasn’t looking.

Oh yes, Hugo Weasley, your match has officially been met.

Take that, bitch.

The rest of the lesson passed in silence, and when the final bell rang he left his desk quickly to see Ariadne, who was beckoning him over with a devious smile on her face. 

Clearly Hugo had mental issues.

If she had worn that expression anywhere near me, then I would be running as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

I scooped my stuff into my bag and swung it over my shoulder, turning around to wait for Lily so we could leave together for dinner.

The sight that greeted me as I turned around made the bile rise in my throat. I choked and squinted, so I could look for Lily but not be subjected to that scarring mental image.

Ariadne was lying across the desk she had been sitting at with her legs wrapped around Hugo’s waist. Luckily for the pair of them, Professor Newman had already bobbied off to go and water his toads or something. But back to the eels - it was quite horrible. They were snogging like they had been told they were going to die tomorrow, or something. Though why snogging Ariadne would be the last thing that you wanted to do before you died was beyond me. 

My attention was finally broken by my best friend. Lily staggered towards me with her eyes pressed tightly shut. I grinned and together we stumbled and felt our way out of the room - yes, we are dramatic. Deal with it.

When we got into the corridor we both just looked at each other, before simultaneously miming being sick. 

Then we high fived.

We are the epitome of maturity.

And you know it.

Seriously, snide comment maker, it's chapter six already - why haven’t you got over your sarcasm and started to love me yet?

It’s very disappointing.

Ah well, you can’t please everyone.


“These sausages are really nice, you know..." I said thickly, with my mouth full of (surprise, surprise) sausage. I held out the platter to Lily who raised one of her eyebrows and continued with her bowl of soup. 


I picked up another sausage and crammed it into my mouth whole.

Lily looked mildly revolted. I smiled widely at her, showing her my gobful of half digested food. Her paling expression gave off the impression that she was going to upchuck her soup.

I chuckled through my sausage, which resulted in me sounding like I was choking.

Fabulous. Sex kitten extraordinaire, that’s what they will call me one day. 


“You are such a pig when you eat. You do know that, right?” Lily moaned.

I smiled at her as she banged her head down on the table with a loud thud.

“What’s the matter with Lils?” a deep voice asked in my ear. I leapt about a foot and a half into the air and spun around like a mad woman, getting my hair in my eyes and mouth. 

To my horror, I found that my shampoo tasted disgusting and stung my eyes! Double whammy! Now that’s just not fair.

Hugo Weasley was standing behind me, looking the image of cool, his hands plunged into his pockets and a confident grin on his face. He looked very delicious. Much nicer than my sausages. 

... from a purely objective point of view, of course.

I went to start saying 'hello', but the sausage I hadn’t finished chewing suddenly seemed to swell in size in my mouth. It was bloody growing. 

I swear, I was not going insane - the sausage was growing in my mouth! It was getting bigger and bigger, to the point that I couldn't even chew anymore.

Suddenly it was three times bigger than it used to be and I couldn’t breathe properly.

My eyes began to stream and my face slowly turned an attractive shade of purple.

Hugo looked amused for a second and then his half a brain cell seemed to realise that I wasn’t joking. He stepped forwards quickly and began to whack me sharply on the back. It didn’t help - the food was still growing.

Lily was frantically fumbling with her wand, trying to remember a spell that would help me out, but not having much luck.

“Scourgify!” she called, and the food disappeared out of my mouth with a loud popping sound. I breathed a large mouthful of sweet, fresh oxygen and threw my hands in the air.

“Hallelujah!” I shouted, “Today is not the day I die!”

Hugo and Lily began to roar with laughter and I turned to look at the pair of them, just as Hugo sat down in the empty seat next to me.

“Next time, don’t eat quite so much at once,” he advised me solemnly. 

My mouth dropped open - what an arsehole! Like I would actually eat that much at once... when other people were around.

“I didn’t eat that much! The food started growing in my mouth!” I exclaimed indignantly. 

Oh, way to go, Vanessa. If you’re lucky, maybe they’ll come and visit you in the mental ward they book you into at St Mungo’s.

“The food started growing in your mouth?” Lily asked flatly, her lips pursed.

I nodded my head frantically.

“Right...” she began, but at that moment a loud shrieking laugh behind her head made her turn around and shut up.

“How’d you like my spell, McIver?” Ariadne crowed. I glared at her so hard I’m surprised she didn’t drop dead on the spot. I really need to work on my glaring powers. I could be the next Medusa.

“You did that to me?” I said coldly. She nodded, smirking widely. “I could have died, you crazy bint!”

Her smile grew wider.

Oh, now that is just sick and disturbed.

That’s what you get for flirting with my boyfriend,” she sang, still grinning.

“I’m not flirting with Hugo! We’re friends, and friends are entitled to talk to one another. You can’t try and kill me for that!” My voice had once again returned to screaming pitch. There was a note of anxiety puncturing my voice, and I'm almost positive they all heard it. I was honestly scared of Ariadne.

She leaned across the table, kissed an astounded looking Hugo on the lips and skipped off down the Gryffindor table, her heels clicking away on the wooden floor. I snarled under my breath.

“How on Earth can you go out with that psychopath?” I asked Hugo, glaring.

He flushed slightly and looked down the tabletop.

“Hey Roxanne - and you, Lucy, and Molly!” He yelled loudly and suddenly to the three girls that were currently walking towards us.

Wow Hugo, real subtle change of conversation.

Really, snide comment maker? Now you decide to keep quiet, when I would actually appreciate one of your quips?

You are officially useless.

The three girls sat down on either side of Lily and smirked at Hugo, who I remembered - just a little too late -  was still sitting right beside me.

This may look a tad misleading...

Well, you seem to have gotten pretty friendly with Vanessa, Hugo,” Roxanne grinned, and Hugo flushed again and glared at her.

“We’re friends,” he said firmly.

Yes, and because of that your bitch of a girlfriend almost killed her,” Lucy said in a scarily matter of fact tone. Hugo turned his his head so his glare was resting on her.

“Hugo, you can’t glare at her, she’s right," I informed him mildly. His expression softened a little. 

The three girls all turned to look at me with astounded expressions.


“Look, if you don’t like my girlfriend, Lucy, just tell me. You don’t have to call her names. And mind your language, you’re only fourteen.” Hugo sounded like her mother or something.

“Okay,” Lucy said simply, “I don’t like your girlfriend. I hate her in fact.”

“Me too,” Roxanne chipped in. I hid my grin behind my hand.

“And me,” Molly added.

Hugo glared at the three of them and picked up one of the sausages, before taking a bite out of the end of it rather aggressively. 

Anger issues...

“Hey, guys!” Albus said enthusiastically, bounding up to the table and sitting down next to me, whilst Louis and Fred sat down on Hugo’s other side.

Bloody hell, what is this - some kind of family reunion? 

I feel like a bit of a geg here...

“Hello!” Rose said cheerfully, sitting down next to Molly and smiling when her boyfriend, Scorpius, sat down next to Albus. It was quite a big shock when he had been put in Gryffindor when he was a wee little nipper. It was good for Albus, though, because he got his best friend. And for Rose, because she eventually got her boyfriend. Took him six years to pluck up the courage to ask her out, mind. 

Still, better late than never, right?

“Hey! Are you having a family dinner without me?” An offended sounding voice sounded out from in front of me. I looked up to see an upset looking Dominique Weasley standing behind Lily.

“No, no,” the various Weasleys/Potters started to stammer quickly. “We all just sat down and - um... yeah, well...”

“Look, just sit down, Dom," I smiled, and she grinned back warmly.

I really did like Dom,. We would have been really good friends if she wasn’t a seventh year. I did sit with her in the Common Room sometimes, when Lily was busy with Quidditch and other rubbish like that. 

She sat down next to Roxanne and pulled a bowl of soup towards her.

It was then I realised something.

All the girls were sitting on one side of the table.

And all the boys were sitting on the other side of the table.

With me in the middle of them. 

Well, what a marvellous impression this must give the students of Hogwarts about me.

Just fantastic. 


“Hey, pass the potatoes, will you?” Hugo said to me, nudging me softly in the ribs.

“Sure,” I smiled back, and I passed him the huge silver bowl of mashed potatoes, which I had already eaten a great deal of earlier that dinner time. 

“Thanks,” he said. “Um... hey, do you want to go up to Library after dinner? I have to do that essay for charms and I don’t understand any of it.”

“Sure," I nodded. “But don’t you have Quidditch Practice? You were telling me about it in Potions.”

“Nah, it’s been cancelled for today, Albus has detention.”

I turned to smile at Albus, who grinned at me sheepishly.

“Okay, then what time do you want me to meet you?” I asked, turning back to Hugo.

“I dunno, we can go back to the Common Room and get our books as soon as we’re done with dinner, and then go straight there,” he suggested.

I nodded and smiled.

“Oh, I’ve got to do the Transfiguration work as well... I didn’t finish it in class. I was too distracted by you doing your Professor Curtash impression." 

“Okay. I’ve finished that work, so you can copy mine if you like.” Hugo said cheerfully.

I smiled warmly at hismand he patted me on the head, messing up my carefully arranged curls.

“Oi!” I shrieked, and I elbowed him hard in the hip.

He laughed loudly and grinned, trying to cover up the wince from my Ninja!Elbow.

“I’m gonna get you for that when you least expect it," he teased playfully.

“Oh, and when’s that?” I asked, grinning.

“Now!” he cried suddenly, and he scooped up some potatoes on his longest finger and smeared them across my forehead.

“Oh you evil little...” I hissed, my eyes flashing as he smirked.

“What are you gonna do? Slap me again?” He laughed, and I glared at him. 

You know what; I take back what I said before. It was actually really fun being Hugo Weasley’s friend. He is a really nice guy... Albeit a little irritating, but nice enough.

“No, I’m going to stop talking to you," I said in a dignified voice.

He pretended to look horror struck, so I tossed my curls in his face and closed my eyes.

Nooooo! Please forgive me!” he cried, and he wrapped his arms around my head, sticking his armpit right under my nose.



“Okay, I will if you get off me, you crazy arsehole!” I shouted, my voice muffled by his shirt.

His arms dropped and we turned to grin at each other at the same time.

Someone cleared their throat from next to me and I turned my head to see an awed looking Albus Potter staring at me as though he had never seen me before.

“We’re all still here you know,” he said, smirking, “But continue flirting with each other, by all means, it is very entertaining for the rest of us.”

I blushed a delightful shade of cherry red, and whacked Albus very hard on the arm.

“We’re not flirting, you dumbshit. We’re friends.” I informed him snottily.

I turned to Hugo for back up, and I noticed his face looked slightly... pissed off.

Before I had a chance to read his expression further, he had wiped his face clean and began to glare at Albus.

“We’re friends. A girl and a boy can be friends you know.” he snapped, and I nodded in agreement.

“Right...” he said loftily, and I scowled.

I turned to look at the girls opposite me and I saw an identical expression on all of their faces. It was actually rather amusing.

The all had one eyebrow raised and their mouths were hanging slightly open, staring between Hugo and I quickly. I blinked a couple of times, glanced at Hugo and we both scooted apart very quickly. 

“You know, I’ve never seen you flirt before Hugo, you normally just walk up to a girl and start snogging them," Louis smirked, and Hugo glowered at him furiously.

“I. Was. Not. Flirting.” he spat angrily. Louis nodded frantically under Hugo’s glare.

I blushed slightly. Why did they all think we were flirting? Does flirting normally consist of sticking your armpit under someone’s nose? Didn’t think so. 

Anyway, do you wanna go to the Library?” Hugo asked me, trying to break the newly awkward silence.

“Sure," I nodded. “To work.” I added firmly, glaring at my ‘friends’, who all smirked back.

As kicked my legs over the bench and stood up, I did not miss the high five that Lily, Lucy, Roxanne and Molly shared.

Why are they high fiving?


“Hey, I don’t understand what you’ve written here,” I said to Hugo, pointing to the third line of his work. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Hmm?” Hugo asked dumbly, looking up and blinking like an owl.

Would you like to know why Hugo resembled an owl?

Because, get this... he had his glasses on.

Yes, Hugo Weasley had put on his glasses on to work.

I was shocked, too, and when I had asked him why he just said ‘you were right’.

I always am buster, I always am.

He leant forwards and peered at the piece of parchment that I was copying from. His glasses began to slip down his nose and he pushed them back up with his middle finger. 

Aww, how sweet.

Wait - did I really just think that?

All this work must be getting to my brain.

“Oh, yeah, the word order is wrong...” he mumbled to himself, and he whipped out his wand to perform a quick correction spell.

I nodded vaguely and leaned forwards to dip my quill into the small pot of blue ink. I knocked the side slightly too hard and a large blob of ink flew off the end of my quill and hit a tired looking Hugo in the face.

He glanced up as though he felt something and I quickly looked down to hide my smirk.

“Hey, have I got something on my face?” he asked.

“Hm?” I asked, looking up and blinking at him. Yes, I know, it is quite scary that I am such an innocent liar. It has come in handy in the past, trust me. When Professor Spears wants to know why you didn’t do the huge essay you were set weeks ago, the ability to lie convincingly comes in very handy.

“My face. Do I have something on it?” he asked again.

“Yeah, you’ve got some ink, right here," I said, and I leaned forwards with my thumb to wipe away the ink that was trickling down his forehead.

“Oh shit, it’s not coming off. Erm, do you have a wet cloth?” I asked.

“Yes, because I always carry around a wet cloth with me when I go to the Library to do homework.” he sniped.

I pursed my lips and withdrew my hands so I could fold my arms.

“I’m only trying to help. No need to get sarky.” I said coolly.

He smiled guiltily. “Sorry, this work has just got me all stressed out.”

“It’s okay.” I said, forcing my lips up into something a little like a smile.

“But seriously, can you help me get this ink off? I don’t want to walk back to the Common Room with a huge splodge on my forehead.”

I leaned forwards in my chair and climbed up so I was balancing on my knees. 

And bloody hell, it didn't half hurt.

But at least then I could reach his face properly. I licked my thumb and began to rub his forehead gently, slowly siphoning off the ink.

I glanced at his expression but he didn’t look disgusted at the fact my spit was now smothered all over his face. Quite the opposite, in fact - he was smiling and looking strangely at my face.

My fingers got slower as they tried to move the ink.

My eyes seemed to be locked with his, and some kind of crazy power surge was flitting between us, making my organs burn and my eyes no longer feel the need to blink.

My hands stopped moving completely.

I began to subconsciously move forwards, not even aware of what I was doing. I was too wrapped up in his eyes to notice he was doing exactly the same thing.

Suddenly there was loud crash from behind us and ripped my hand off his face, whirling around so fast my curls flew into his eyes. He beat them away and stood up, picking up his wand.

Suddenly I remembered.

I’m a bloody witch!

“Hugo, lean down," I commanded.

He did so, looking incredibly confused and slightly... hopeful?

“Scourgify,” I said calmly, and the patch of incredibly smudged ink disappeared.

I looked at Hugo’s face, expecting it to look grateful, but he looked disappointed.

Huh? Did he want me to leave the ink on his face? He was the one that asked me to get rid of it! Bugger, have I really screwed everything up?

“Let’s go see what that crash was,” he muttered to me, and he stepped to the side, slipping past me and walking slowly to the bookshelves right next to our table.

I scurried after him, pocketing my wand. Why would I need my wand for something that goes boom in the Library?

I heard Hugo sigh and looked up to see him shaking his head, grinning.

“What?” I asked.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me so I was standing in front of him. I looked in front of me and let out a quick bark of laughter.

Half of the books from the shelf next to me were lying on top of a thoroughly disgruntled group of people, all of whom were lying on top of each other, groaning.

Albus, Scorpius, Fred, Louis, Dominique, Rose, Roxanne, Lily, Molly and Lucy were all lying on the floor, blinking up at the two of us oh so innocently.

Yeah, right.

“Um, not to sound like the dope of this situation, but why are you all lying on the floor?” I asked. Best to start with the simple questions with these people, you know.

Not that bright and all.

“Looking - OUCH!” Albus squealed in an extremely feminine manner.

Maybe he’s on the turn.

Ooh, I hope so; I’ve always wanted a gay best friend! It sounds like it would be so much fun.

“As I was saying,” he snarled at Louis, who was stroking his elbow and wincing, “we were looking for a book on this shelf when it fell over on us.”

Sounds good enough to me.

“Oh, okay,” I smiled.

I looked behind me when I heard Hugo snort quietly. He was looking at his family with a sceptical expression on his face and one if his eyebrows raised to the heavens.

“And it took ten of you to find this book?” he asked dryly.

“Yes,” Albus said, nodding like one of those crazy dogs you get in the back of Muggle cars.

“Right. So why were you spying on us?” Hugo asked, smiling wryly.

“Huh?” I chipped in, oh so intelligently.

Future Nobel Prize winner, me.

“W-what, we weren’t spying on you!” Roxanne said, a little too quickly for my liking. “Get over yourself Hugo. We have better things to do than that, you know!”

I’m beginning to get suspicious, you know...

But why would they bother to spy on us? Unless they thought me and Hugo really were flirting during dinner, and were not just messing around...

Well then, they’re gonna be sorely disappointed, aren’t they? There was nothing to see, other than us working, me wiping some ink off his face and then us almost head butting each other. 

So stick that in your juicebox and drink it, creepers.

I glared at Lily jokingly to see her smirking up at me.

“What?” I mouthed.

She shook her head and did her best to wipe the smirk off her face, but was unsuccessful. I looked around the masses of heads, still on the floor, and noticed they were all wearing an expression identical to Lily’s.

Either smirking at me or grinning like gimps.

Freaks. Maybe all Weasley/Potters have something wrong with their brains.

And Malfoy’s been infected by hanging out with them for too long.

Yep, that makes sense to me.

“Do you want a hand up?” I said to Rose, holding out my hand, which she gratefully accepted. As I hauled her to her feet I was sure I heard her say, “Thanks, sis.”

Ack, probably just my imagination. I’ve probably been infected by the loony gene too, from hanging out with Lily too much. I always knew she was going to damage my health. 

I must have a really shit sense of self preservation.

Note to self: work on that.

“So... should we all go back to the Common Room?” I asked, just to break the silence. The group in front of me, which consisted of nine grinning Weasley/Potters, one grinning Malfoy and one glowering Weasley, didn't respond.

In case it isn’t obvious, the glowering one was Hugo.

He was staring at his family as though he wanted nothing more than to pummel them into a million and one tiny little pieces, and leave them like glitter on the floor of the library. Hmm... I wonder why. Ah well, I’ll think about it later. For now, I’m hungry. 

disclaimer: nothing in this chapter belongs to me.

edit: this chapter was edited 13/07/2012.

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

Favorite |Reading List |Currently Reading

Back Next

Review Write a Review
Typical Clueless Guy: The Family


(6000 characters max.) 6000 remaining

Your Name:

Prove you are Human:
What is the name of the Harry Potter character seen in the image on the left?

Submit this review and continue reading next chapter.

Other Similar Stories

No similar stories found!