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Typical Clueless Guy by PygmyPuffLover
Chapter 4 : Study Buddies
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 15

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Magic_Phoenix makes such beautiful images. try not to be too jealous of her skills. 

Suddenly Ariadne’s anger made sense. Well, as much sense as Ariadne could ever make anyway.

And would you like to know why Ariadne’s anger sort of makes sense?

Well, I’ll tell you.

Seriously, I will. Stop begging, you’re only embarrassing yourself.

Because on the list, four spaces below Lily and Lysander, was the following-

Vanessa McIver and Hugo Weasley.

Do you know what that sentence means? It means that Vanessa McIver (me) will be sitting next to Hugo Weasley in every single bloody lesson.

I should have seen this coming.

Of course the divine forces would do this to me.

I mean, it’s not sitting next to the bloke that I mind so much, he isn’t that bad - well, when he isn’t being big headed and pathetic or making annoying little un-understandable comments - but I was more worried about Ariadne’s reaction.

I knew she was mad at Hugo, when it wasn’t even his fault.

And she loved him; she wouldn’t get too angry with him.

So what was she going to do to me?

My guess was homicide.

Lily’s was extreme torture until I leave the school.

I have such a supportive and caring best friend, don’t you think?

I slowly turned around, and saw Ariadne was still shrieking at a half bemused, half irritated looking Hugo. He was trying to pull her towards the Grand Staircase but she was too busy screaming to move an inch.

It was then that Hugo caught my eye.

He grinned at me quickly, and shrugged, as if to say ‘well, what can you do?’

I grinned back and winked, before turning to the side and pegging it up the staircase, with Lily hot on my heels.

There was no way in hell that I was going to be seen by Ariadne when her temper was already in full flow.

Why on earth wasn’t she in Slytherin?

She was evil enough to be. The hat’s age must have finally been getting to it, when it decided that the vile little first year whose evil hair was currently sliming up its rim should be put in Gryffindor. Or she confunded it.

Oh, I bet she did!

It seems just like something she would do.

Oh no, she wouldn’t know enough magic to do it when she was eleven.

I bet she got her annoyingly rich parents to pay for an older student to do it.

What a bitch.

On the way up the staircase to the sixth year dorm room, two sets of hands shot out of another door and dragged a squealing Lily and I into it's confinements.

When I opened my eyes (I had jammed them shut to prevent them being poked out by over-enthusiastic hands - wow, that sounded wrong) I saw Lucy Weasley’s head hovering over my own.

I leapt about a foot in fright.

I wouldn’t mind, Lucy took after her aunt, not her father, and was very attractive.

She grinned at me and clouted me over the back of the head jokingly. I nudged her in the ribs and we both subsided into giggles.

“So what was the meaning of this abduction, girls?” Lily asked.

They looked at each other and then turned to look at us.

“Well, we were in the Entrance Hall ten minutes ago...” Roxanne began.

“When we saw Bitch-Face and Hugie reading the notice board...” Molly continued.

“And we saw her freak out, so we looked for Hugo’s name...” Lucy said.

“And saw it was next to Vanessa’s...” Roxanne chuckled.

“And after what happened the other day we knew she would freak out...” Lucy grinned.

“So we ran up here to warn you, but you were already gone...” Molly smiled.

“Because Ariadne is going to murder you when she sees you.” Roxanne finished cheerfully.

Me and Lily nodded wisely. We are very wise people.

Oi! We are.

I am getting really sick of you, little snide comment maker back there.

Read a different story if you’re going to be rude about mine.

Get told, bitch.

Jokes, love you really.

Please keep reading.

“So, how do you reckon she will kill me?” I asked jokingly, the grin sliding off my face when I saw them glance at each other sombrely.

“Well, we were talking about it before...” Roxanne began.

“OI!” I shouted.

“...And I reckon she will smother you in your sleep.” She finished grimly.

The sad news was, she was being serious.

Are you starting to see how evil Ariadne is now?

“I reckon she will throw you in the Black Lake and force the giant squid to eat you. She’s sadistic, isn’t she?” Lucy chipped in.

“Yes, but people would see her do that. She won’t want to be caught, that’s why she will smother her...” Roxanne countered.

“Yes, but she will want Vanessa to feel...” Lucy began, but I shouted-

“Oi! Right here! But don't let that stop you planning how I'm going to be killed by your cousin's psychotic girlfriend!” I yelled. They all looked embarrassed, and, dare I say it, a little afraid.

And so they should.

“Well, if it helps, I don’t think she’s going to kill you.” Molly said meekly.

Boy, I must be scary.

Yes! Newfound talent, people!

“What do you think then?” I asked her drily.

She misunderstood my tone and brightened considerably.

“I think she’ll torture you until you move away from Hugo or leave school.” She said brightly.

I scowled, and Lily leaned forwards to high five her cousin.

“That’s what I thought!”

“Really, that’s so cool!”

“I know!”

I cleared my throat loudly and looked pointedly at them. They both managed to look abashed. Wise of them.

They’re learning.

“Well, we need to figure out a way to stop Ariadne from ki- hurt- erm... from trying to prevent you from sitting next to Hugo.” Roxanne finished lamely.

“Why?” I asked. “Why can’t I just move?”

I would rather sit next to someone else and not have to suffer Ariadne’s wrath.

Her very wrathy wrath.

“Well... I, um, well, you see, Vanessa, well, because!” Lucy stuttered.

“Wow, that clears everything up.” I deadpanned.

“You can’t let Ariadne win!” Molly said coaxingly.

You know, she is fast becoming one of my favourite Weasleys.

And that is saying a lot, because there is about a million of them.

“You’re right.” I said thoughtfully.

It would be great to have something over Ariadne. Something to give her a small incentive to be... oh, I don’t know... nice for once.

“So! Plan!” Roxanne said brightly.

“No. First, group huddle!” I grinned, and we all leaned into a massive group hug, which ended in us shouting ‘Kill Bitch-Girl! Destroy!’

We are so mature.

Last warning, snide comment maker.

I’m serious.


“So remember, ignore her.” Lily chanted her under her breath as we walked down to class. In the midst of planning we had forgotten we still had lessons that day.

We had only got the first three steps planned out.

As fun as it was to plot against the girl I had hated for six years solid, the girl’s made it sound more like it was about me sitting next to Hugo than it was me getting one over of Ariadne.

Suspicious... Ah well.

I’ll draw out the old detective skills later.

If I can be arsed, you know.

We sauntered over to the door of Charms, and leaned against the wall, looking the picture of cool.

The only things that are cooler than us right now are ice cubes, and that is only because they are kept in freezers.

If I was kept in a freezer my whole life, I would be even cooler than I am now too.

Anywho, I'm rambling again.

Seriously, poke me next time I do that.

You know what? I love pineapples.

Okay, that was really random. I swear, sometimes I think the house elves put something in my food because there seems to be no connection between my brain and whatever comes out of my mouth. I really need to look into getting that fixed. My inability to control my own thoughts will probably come back and bite me on the butt one day - hard.


Mwah-ha-ha-ha (don't ask).

We had only been leaning in our super cool way for about thirty seconds when a hand came out of nowhere and swung towards my face.

I ducked just in time.

It smacked into the wall with a satisfying thud. I had to work a very hard to conceal my grin.

I hope whoever deals with karma takes note.

Ariadne whimpered and clutched her hand to her chest, glaring at me as though she wanted nothing more than for me to drop dead on the spot.


She’s such a lovely young girl, isn’t she?

I rolled my eyes as Lily hissed next to me. She sounded like an angry cat.

“You!” Ariadne spat. “You will go to Longarse right now and tell him that you’re going to switch seats with me.”

I hitched a look of innocent surprise onto my face.

Inside I was thinking something more like-

When bloody hell freezes over, bitch.

“What? Why?” I sounded so innocent I almost believed me.

Ariadne bristled and her eyes flashed furiously. I inconspicuously shuffled backwards. I like my face in one piece, thank you very much.

“Because there is no way that you are going to sit next to my boyfriend in every single fucking lesson!” She shrieked, and I winced as the piercing decibel nearly ruptured my eardrums.

Seriously Merlin, what have my eardrums ever done to you?

Please be nice. Please.

“What do you mean; there is no way that I am going to sit next to him?” I asked coldly.

“You are a fucking tart, and I know it is your mission in life to steal Hugo from me!” She said, tossing her hair around.

She’ll get a crick in her neck if she keeps doing that.

“And how exactly am I a tart?” I asked, even colder than before.

My eyes must be radiating ice.

“Well, let’s see, shall we? The other day I was walking down the corridor when I saw you on my boyfriend's shoulder, laughing and giggling and flirting your pathetic little trampy arse off.” She hissed.

Trampy? She, Ariadne Duress, was calling me trampy?

Invest in a mirror, love!

It was then I realised what Ariadne had said. I glanced at Lily to see her staring at me, her expression comically resembling someone who had just been slapped.

“That was a misunderstanding.” I muttered, some of the ice still splintering my voice.

“I don't care!” She screeched. “I don't want you sitting next to him!”

“Tough.” I spat, and with that I grabbed Lily’s hand and stalked off to the other side of the corridor, leaving Ariadne shaking with anger on her own.

A loud scream told us she wasn’t over it yet.


Ah well, I’ll deal with her later.

I turned to Lily to see her staring at me with her arms crossed and her eyebrows raised.

Ah. Double crap.

“Explain.” She said simply.

I winced slightly and began to stutter.

“Well, you see, it was, oh, how long ago now? Erm... well, a few days ago, when I, you know, went to the kitchens and, erm... well...” I trailed off and stared desperately around.

Was there a way to tell the story that didn’t make it seem like I was flirting with Hugo?
Because I wasn't.

I was just being friendly. Because he is my best friend’s cousin.


“How about I tell you what I know, and you fill in the blanks?” Lily suggested.

I nodded quickly.

“You went down to the kitchens.” She waited for my approval. I nodded.

“And when you got to the kitchens, Hugo was already there.” I nodded again.

“And you ate together, before deciding to walk back up to Gryffindor Tower together.”

Another nod.

“And then?”

I gulped.

“Well, we were messing around, jokily insulting each other and everything, and then I said something about him not being very manly, so he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. Then he started to spin me round, and that’s when Ariadne found us.” I said quietly, blushing slightly.

“Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?” Lily asked, looking hurt.

“I dunno. I didn’t want it to seem like I was flirting with him or something.” The way I said it made it sound like flirting with Hugo Weasley was the last thing I would ever do.

Lily pursed her lips at my tone, but leaned forwards to give me a hug.

“Ariadne: Zero. Vanessa: Two.” She whispered.

I grinned.

“Two?” I asked.

“One, pissing her off by being friendly with Hugo. Two, refusing to swap places with her.” Lily explained. I grinned, and we high fived.

Whoop. We are so cool.

I bet you are really jealous.

I swear to Merlin, snide comment maker, one more time and I'm going to beat your arse to hell and back!

Wow. That really got the anger out.


At that moment the bell rang for the second time the teacher poked her head around the door of classroom, blinking at us in a very unattractive way.

She looked like an owl.

“Okay, inside.” She said, her voice as squeaky as a pixie on helium.

We all trooped inside and I threw my bag down on my assigned desk.

The boy sitting next to me looked up and grinned shyly.

“Hi.” He smiled.

“Hey.” I grinned back; fighting back the blush that I knew was creeping up my neck.

“So, partners huh?” He said brightly, with the air of someone just looking for something to say.

“Yeah.” I said. Wow. I am so interesting.

“I’m probably gonna be sick to death of you by the end of the year.” He teased.
I opened my mouth in indignation and went to say my snappy retort when -

“Silence!” The teacher’s reedy voice called.

I cursed quietly.

I shoved my bag onto the floor roughly and listened to the thud as it hit the wooden floor. A nosie that sounded like an ink bottle smashing echoed around the room.


When I had finished poking around my bag to make sure nothing was ruined, I glanced back up at the desk. To my surprise, there was a folded piece of paper sitting there.

I unfolded it, confused, and smiled.

I heard Ariadne giving you a hard time outside. Sorry.

“Thank you.” I whispered.

He grinned back and nudged me in the ribs.

I kicked his leg lightly under the table.

He chuckled under his breath and I stifled my giggles by pressing my hand hard against my mouth.


I must look so sexy right now, like I’m trying to suffocate myself.

I glanced up and saw one face staring at me, amid the sea of heads facing the front.

Ariadne was glowering at me more than I had ever seen her glower at anyone before.

And that was saying A LOT.

I smiled back to her and waggled my fingers delicately, before looking away.

I heard her quiet scream of frustration.

I grinned widely when the teacher told her to be quiet and stop interrupting the lesson.

I looked at Hugo, who to my surprise was leaning quite close to my face.

“Do you have to goad her?” He moaned. “I’m the one that’s got to deal with the tantrum afterwards.”

I smiled sympathetically at him and patted his elbow.

“Sorry. But I really don’t know how you can go out with her. She’s vile.”

He pursed his lips but otherwise ignored my slight on his girlfriend.

I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling, but it certainly not me.

After our little chat in the Library (which we both seem to be pretending we forgot) he can’t pretend that he actually thinks Ariadne is even a slightly endearing person.

So ha, Hugo Weasley, you can just stuff your little act up your-

Never mind.

At that moment a large bang went off outside the door, followed by sound of lots of children screaming. Great. What have Fred and Louis done now?

The teacher leapt off her chair and sprinted towards the door, tripping over the hem of her robes. She went skidding, and grabbed the side of my desk to steady herself, which resulted in her whacking her chin onto my leg.

“Ouch!” We said at the same time.

“Sorry, Miss McIver.” She muttered, before running out of the room towards the sound of the screaming.

“It’s okay, Professor.” I said when the door had slammed shut.

Lily chuckled from behind me.

I turned to grin at my best friend, and then had to stop myself from choking with laughter. Lily was as red as a tomato, and was leaning away from Lysander as though he was diseased. Lysie himself was staring at Lily as though she had just escaped from the mental ward.

Damn. What had she done now?

What did you do?

I wrote this on a scrap of parchment and tossed it behind me. I heard a crinkling noise as she unfolded it.

A second later a ball of parchment hit me on the back of the head and bounced off.
I scooped it up off the floor and read Lily’s barely legible curly writing. The girl really needs handwriting lessons.

Nothing! Well, I asked him if he had any spare shirts for me to make a quilt with.

She what?

You what!?

Well, I didn’t mean to say it!

Oh, well then that makes everything better!

I know!


Oh. Bitch.


Do you think he’s going to be creeped out by me now?

Erm... I’m going to go with yes. Lily, you just asked a guy if you could make a freaking quilt out of his shirts. I think he may be a tad creeped out!

Oh God, what am I going to do? I really like him Van; I can’t have him thinking I’m a freak!

Lily, you are a freak babe. But I tell you what, if he really means that much to you, then I’ll help you to win him over.


Well, I sat next to him in Potions all of last year, and I suppose we’re sort of friends now. I don’t know, he’s kind of insane. Not you insane, but normal insane. I guess that’s what you get for being the son of Luna Scamander. Anyway, I can teach you how to talk to him and then I can work from the inside out to get him to like you!


I know. Feel free to fluff my pillows and make my bed, etcetera.

Oh, shove off.

Charming. This is what I get for being the perfect best friend.

At that moment the piece of paper was whipped out of my hand, and Hugo was leaning half off of his chair to try and prevent me from snatching it back.

“Hugo, give that here!” I shouted, trying to grab it out of his hand.

The boys in the Weasley/Potter family were more overprotective than you would ever believe. If Hugo found out Lily liked Lysie then he would probably get her to move schools or something. They have some ‘no dating before age forty five rule’.

“No. What does it say? Lurve secrets?” He teased.

“None of your business! Give it back!” I yelled.

“NO!” He yelled back, looking thoroughly amused.


By this point the whole class was staring at us, Lily a fuming red in the face and staring at the note as though she thought if she stared at it hard enough it would erupt in flames.

“Hugo Bilius Weasley! Give me that bloody note back now!”

At this point I threw caution to the wind and let go of all dignity.

I launched myself out of my seat and onto Hugo’s back, my arms reaching desperately for the note.


Now I look like a proper slag.

Just marvellous.

How is it, that in two of the three encounters I have shared with Hugo Weasley I have ended up on his back?

That is slightly disturbing.

I reached across his face and went to snatch the note.

Missed. Damn.

I was only inches away, too!

“Give it here!”

Hugo stood up suddenly and I wrapped my legs around his waist to prevent myself from falling on my arse.

Great. Now I look like he’s giving me some kind of crazy piggy back.


The things I do for Lily, honestly.

She owes me big time!

I had my boobs pressed up against the back of Hugo’s head, and my arms were stretching around his shoulders to try and grab the note, which he was trying in vain to open.

I began to kick my legs a little bit to distract him from the note, and he grunted in pain, and began to buck backwards and forwards in an attempt to throw me off.

“Give me the bloody note!” I screamed, and he laughed.

Okay, I have to admit, it is pretty funny.

Without consulting my brain, I found myself laughing along with him, still trying to grab the note.

Someone cleared their throat behind us and Hugo whirled around, so the both of us were facing the back of the classroom.

“Please put Miss McIver down, Mr Weasley.” The teacher said tiredly.

Hugo flushed red but squatted down to let me slide off his back.

I blushed and unhooked my legs from around his hips.

You could fry an egg on my face, I was that embarrassed.

I sat in my seat, and then noticed that Hugo was still clutching the note. I whipped out my wand and before he could move a muscle I had sent it up in flames.

Ha, Hugo Weasley, you have officially met your match.

He glared at me quickly, but then grinned, his face lighting up and his teeth glinting.

He extended his hand and I took it, frowning.

“Well played McIver. Well played.” He said, grinning. 


disclaimer: none of this belongs to me, and I own nothing you recognise.

Review? Pretty please? With two cherries on top?

a/n: edited as of 09/04/2012.

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