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The Woes Of Being Single by rich_blonde marauder23
Chapter 3 : Observing Human Behaviour
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 2

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That’s my name. 


“Your hair’s on fire.”

No it isn’t, you idiot. 

“Your face is on fire.”

“That doesn’t make sense…”

Fuck off.

"You don’t make sense…”

“Dom’s a whore.”

Eh, probably.


“You’re a whore.”

“I know.”

“I know you know.”

“I know you know I know.”

“I know you-”

“Shut the fuck up, will you?” Miranda finally hissed through gritted teeth, slamming her fist on the wooden table loudly. Louis smirked and I smiled, high-fiving each other under the table proudly. Pissing off Miranda is just too much fun- especially when you’re in a good mood (which is not often). Dom just patted her brother on the head, smiling serenely while still managing to read a shitty muggle book about this fucked up teen romance. He swatted her hand away.

“Language,” Bonnie once again sniffed halfheartedly, before going back to reading her book on Transfiguration. Miranda was stabbing her food moodily, frowning. Apparently she and Alex had got into a fight. Boo. That’s too bad. Eva was at the Gryffindor table with Aaron, smiling and being friendly as always.

Today, for the first time since forever (first year), Louis has unexpectedly decided to sit with us. It’s weird, considering he’s a fourth year and is still in that stage where he thinks he’s ‘too cool for school’ (we’ve all been there, mates). When he plopped down on the wooden bench next to me, about thirty minutes ago at the start of breakfast, I was so surprised I actually squeaked and forgot all about what I moody for.

Something about jam…

I love the kid, he’s like the little brother I never had. Let’s forget the fact that I do have two little brothers… still, he has ditched his friends to sit with us. I’d have to say I’m really thrilled. I mean, it’s Loulou- my favorite boy in the world!


“Stop it, Dom,” Louis whined while Dom just shrugged, pushing her glasses up her nose once again.

“Okay, fine. No more sisterly love for you. You can just send a letter to Victoire,” She stuck her tongue out at him, flicking his forehead. He put his head in his arms and sighed.

“Oh Merlin. I can’t believe I’m related to you- you’re so embarrassing. I miss Vicky, the normal one out of the two of you,” Louis murmured. It's true. “Plus, it’s awkward since all of my friends think you’re fit…” Dom frowned. That is kind of weird. They’re, like, ten years old. It would be almost pedophilic if they were to date Dom… Not that they would ever date Dom. Ugh. They would be like Dom’s gigolo.

“What? They think I’m a git?” She asked, surprised, but Louis just sighed and shook his head. I think he is used to his sister being an idiot. Miranda and I both rolled our eyes, although Miranda did it more half-heartedly than myself.

“Never mind, Dom. T’es trop imbecile pour comprendre*,” He said this in French, causing Dom to huffed indignantly.

C’est toi l’imbecile*!”

Je suis pas mal sur que c’est toi la seule imbecile ici*.”



“Can you stop blabbing off in French already?” Bonnie snapped, narrowing her eyes behind her large brown book. “As you can see, I’m trying to read.” She finished, frowning.

“Aren’t you and Miranda always? And it’s not that annoying,” I shrugged. It’s true, it really isn’t. It’s sort of fun listening to them rant off at each other…

“That’s because you actually understand what they’re talking about, Ton. We, meaning Miranda and I, the only non-French speaking population here, don’t. And so it’s annoying,” Bonnie replied, raising her eyebrows menacingly. I forgot about that little fact… So maybe I do understand what they’re talking about, but it would (read: could) still be fun if I didn’t! I rolled my eyes at her.

“It was your own choice to associate yourself with two French girls. So, it’s really entirely your fault,” I told her pointedly. Bonnie let out a groan, and closed her book shut roughly.

Some day, Antoinette, some day, I will kill you,” She growled, before stuffing her big book into her black bag, slinging it over her shoulder, glaring at me one last time, and marching away. We all stared after her (except Miranda, who was still sulking). Way to make a dramatic exit. We could bloody make a muggle teen drama out of our lives. It would be called ‘The Hogs of Hogwarts’. Yeah, it’s awesome.

“Well, that was pretty fucking dramatic,” Louis said simply, before going back to eating his sausage. Dom was nodding, still looking after Bonnie worriedly, who was slowly making her way out of the Great Hall. Suddenly, she gasped and turned to look at Louis, wide-eyed.

“Louis! Don’t say such horrid words! You’re too young!” She cried. Louis stared at her, and then gave her the finger. Dom grabbed it, pulled on it, and proceeded to slap Louis round the head. That’s tough love, Louis. Learn to love it.

“Ow! Stop it, Domie,” Louis whined, pouting. Dom scowled.

“No. Merlin, children these days!” She exclaimed. She sounds like my mother, which is a scary thought. I promptly pulled Dominique away from Louis, shaking my head.

“Dom, you sound like my mum,” I stated. She opened her mouth, gesturing wildly with her hands above her head, but I cut across her looming long lecture on how society today ‘poisons the mind of the innocent’. “Just don’t, okay? I don’t need another mother, at Hogwarts nevertheless.” At this, Dom closed her mother and frowned. Good. She knows how annoying my mother can get, as in pretty fucking annoying. My mother is one of those mums that are just… stupid. Annoying. Embarrassing. Idiotic.

“Fine. But Louis is too young for such words.”

“Dom, he’s fourteen, and-”

“Almost fifteen!”

“When you were fourteen, you were getting drunk off yo-” It’s true! At fourteen, Dom was very… promiscuous when drunk, which was pretty often, now that I think about it.

Alcohol does many odd things to you, children.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” Dom frantically squealed. She was slightly shaking out of nervousness, and kept glancing at Louis as if he’d find out that she’d already drunk a drop of alcohol in her life (I think he already knows, anyway- I don’t know how many times Dom and I have come back to her house drunk, but let’s just say it’s been many times).

She promptly slapped me in the face.

I gasped and grabbed my throbbing cheek painfully, turning to look at her in horror.

You may think that getting a small slap on the cheek doesn’t hurt, but trust me, it bloody does.

She slapped me in the face.

She bloody slapped me in the face!

“What the fuck?!” I screeched, my eyes wide. Dom was biting her lip, and nodding frantically (she does that when she’s nervous). She looked on the verge of tears.

“Sorry! Just- just don’t talk about that in front of Louis!” She cried, cowering under my glare. I was seeing red, and my hands were itching to throttle Dom oh so painfully.

“Talk about what? The fact that you’ve already sipped some butterbeer from your mum’s glass? Big deal,” I snapped sarcastically. I could have hexed her. I mean, who slaps their friend in the face when they get scared? Nobody. But I guess Dom isn’t the average teenage girl, is she?

“Sorry!” She quietly said, her eyes wide and her expression one of fear. I opened my mouth again, scowling and grimacing. And then she burst into tears.

Fucking hell! Can’t I get a word in?

Merlin, this girl is an emotional mess. What is she, pregnant or something? Maybe she is. It would explain a lot of things.

It’s not even her time of the month- that was two weeks ago! Oh Lord, you do not want to know how horrible that was.

She was already sobbing and blubbering, trying to wipe her eyes on her shirt’s sleeve. People around us were looking at her with creeped out expression, and I all sent them a glare. I’m still going to defend Dom, even if she is completely bonkers.

“Dom,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. Honestly. They should also make a muggle documentary on ‘How To Calm Down Bipolar Best Friends’. I stretched my hand out to place it on her shoulder to comfort her, but she just shook her head and moved away from me. Grabbing her bag and nodding once (?), she ran out of the Great Hall.

People these days- they’re all fucking crazy.

What the hell, man? Everything’s just happening so fast today. The world has officially gone fucking mad.

“Wow.” Was all Louis said, and I only just then fully registered that he’d just seen all that too. Wow, indeed. What the hell is wrong with everyone today? Are they all pregnant? That would be… actually really scary.

It would be like last year when practically every girl in the school decided to bleach themselves blonde (the muggle way- I don’t even know where they took the dye from). I don’t know how it happened. It’s like they had a bloody convention, because one day everything was normal, and the next, there was yellow everywhere. Everywhere. Yellow here, yellow there. After a month the only thing you could see was yellow.

A second year even fainted (he did have the flu… moving on…). It was intense, like the plague- everyone was afraid of going near the blonde bimbos. I think Dom would have participated if she hadn’t already been (a) naturally blonde (bimbo). She was pretty disappointed about that, the idiot.

“Why do you always need to ruin everything, Toni?” Miranda suddenly (finally?) snapped, glaring at me. I frowned at her, surprised she even had anything to say of the matter. I know she’s in a horrible mood and everything… but I never really did anything wrong.

“What the hell did I do?” I angrily asked, getting steadily more frustrated. She scoffed as if it was obvious. It’s not. Obviously.

“You’re always making these little comments that nobody wants to hear. Nobody wants to hear the opinions you have on things, Toni,” She told me, getting up. I stared at her. What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Bonnie is pissed, Dom is crazy, and Miranda is angry. Great. How fucking fun. “Piss off, why don't you?” She slung her bag over her shoulder carelessly, and left the Great Hall without another word. I stared wordlessly after her, my jaw set. Her words hurt me more than I would have liked them too. I would have liked to just turn back to my food and eat it all happily, not push it away from me and cross my arms like a child.

Now it was just Louis and me, sitting at the table quietly. I tried to act normal, and tucked a piece of my dark hair behind my ear.

“Well, someone’s not in a happy mood today…” I awkwardly said, trying to calm myself down. I stabbed at my food moodily, trying not to rip my hair out. Louis frowned and tried to smile consolingly at me, but I just shook my head.

“Lou, don’t worry. It happens every day. It’s fine!” I told him, chuckling, trying to lighten the mood. The thing is, it does. Crazy hormonal teenagers these days.
“I know how Miranda is. I’m not an idiot, gosh,” He said, rolling his eyes in an obnoxious manner. I laughed, although even to my ears, it sounded slightly bitter.

Because I know how Miranda can be, but that was just uncalled for. There was a moment of silence after that, and Louis slowly proceeded to eat another sausage.

How this kid eats so much is beyond me. It's disguting because he isn't obese yet.

“Not to sound like a bitch or anything, but why did you suddenly decide to sit with us?” I tried to change the conversation, raised an eyebrow at him inquiringly, but he merely shrugged.

“My friends and I made a bet,” He answered. It seems everyone has been making bets lately. How fun.

"What about?”

“About whether or not I could get one of you guys to kiss me before the end of breakfast,” He looked around pointedly. “And it seems that I have lost ten galleons.”
And then, for the first time in a long time, I smirked. I smirked because life is fucking great. I have crazy best friends, a great big idiot of a sister, and a weird nose. But life is okay.

And just as everything started to be okay, it hit me, and I reminded myself so much of James. Shit. As much as I hate it, it felt so much like home. Home like when you smell the sheets on your bed and feel like crying because it’s so familiar. Home like when you hear the voices of your two brothers screaming in the morning because it’s Christmas. Home like when you see him, and you couldn’t feel happier. My heart squeezed in a way that makes it hard to breathe, you know? That feeling that makes you want to drink or eat or devour something just to fill in the hole in your heart. I abruptly stopped, and settled for a small smile.

I think Louis noticed, but I didn’t comment on that fact. He opened his mouth, but, scared that he would talk of something I didn’t want to talk about, I interrupted him. I had somehow already forgotten all about Miranda, all about Bonnie, all about Dom. All I could think about was how I needed to hide behind my smile, and convince Louis that I wasn’t so heartbroken inside.

“Well, there’s always me, isn’t there?” I asked, stuttering. Louis looked at me, and narrowed his eyes. Then everything was back to normal, and I took a sip of my water.

“This isn’t some kind of trick is it?” He asked suspiciously. I think he should have been suspicious- I would be the kind of girl to set a trap up for someone to fall in. But not this time- this time, I was just trying to save the embarrassment I had almost caused myself.

“No, you idiot. I’ll kiss you!” I told him boldly, as if I was saving him from some kind of horrible fate. But as Louis studied me for a second then looked over at his friends, smirking, my smile faltered.

“Alright, let’s do it.”

I leaned in, and noticed that Louis hadn’t understood the meaning of my ‘kissing’ him.

He thought I was going to snog him.

Honestly. Fucking weirdo. Men just always seem to want the impossible.

“Louis,” I said, my gaze flat. He opened one eye and grinned.


“I’m not going to snog you.”

“And why the hell not?” He asked slightly defensively, and I had to actually ask myself if he was joking or not. I mean, kissing Louis? That would be like incest. And absolutely revolting (he’s three years younger than me).

Why the hell not?” I asked. “First of all, because you’re like a brother to me. Second of all, you’re three years younger than me. Third of all, that would just be plain… disgusting,” I said. He sighed. I'm happy he understood.


I kissed his cheek, and my eyes slowly gazed over his head to the table on the other side of the room. My blue eyes met brown ones unwaveringly.

And fourth of all, Louis, I already love someone else.



Transfiguration has always been my least favourite subject.

I’m not horrible at school; my grades have always been fine, acceptable (except that time

I got a T in Herbology... but that was just an exception). But I just don’t understand Transfiguration like I do my other subjects. I have had tutors, I have had all kinds of help, and I have studied for its exams until I couldn’t hold my eyes open anymore, but never have I gotten a higher grade than a P in it. And I have always felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t understand such a simple subject that everybody seemed to excel in. I was always the last to comprehend anything in relation to it.

And so, when I got an A in it last year, I was really surprised. In fact, I was so happy I forgot all about how I hadn’t seen him in over a month and how much it hurt. I could do Transfiguration in my seventh year. Really, that was all I ever wanted. I was bloody happy.

Now I see that having Transfiguration in my seventh year is, to put it quite simply, not so fun after all. It’s complicated. It’s really complicated. We’re doing N.E.W.T.’s Transfiguration, which is… really complicated. Very, very complicated. You get the point. I barely understand what McGonagall is talking about in her now raspy, aging voice.

Human transfiguration? I think I might just shoot myself.

I’m trying so hard to listen; my head feels like it weighs one hundred pounds. It’s Friday and this is my last class of the day, but time just can’t seem to be going any slower. It hurts to think. It hurts to move. I’m tired, I’m bored, and I’m scared. Because if I don’t pass Transfiguration this year… I’m screwed. And it seems inevitable that I won’t.

To top it all off, it’s already been three days since that night where we created our Singles Anonymous group, and I have no idea what I am going to do. I haven’t even thought about it. I mean, I don’t know who has dating problems in this damn school! I’m sure that there are hundreds of people who do, and I need to find five people who qualify for the position, because if I don’t, it’s going to be too late and Dom will just win the bet (I don’t want to lose two hundred galleons).

It doesn’t even matter that Bonnie, Eva, and Miranda promised to find at least one candidate each to help me out. I still need to convince those idiots that coming to a meeting once a week which helps them with their dating problems will benefit them.

How the fuck am I going to do all that and not die of a heart attack?

“Get to work!” McGonagall finally shouted, and I wanted to moan with the content I felt. And then I wanted to groan when I realized the shit I was in. I didn’t listen, and so I don’t understand anything. Normally I would ask Bonnie for some help, but I can’t now, because Bonnie decided not to take Transfiguration this year (smart bitch). Dom and Eva also did. Miranda didn’t, but unfortunately, I don’t think she would have helped me anyways. I haven’t even tried to talk to her after the incident at breakfast, because every time I turn my head around to look at her, she’s bloody staring at me with an expression of pure loathing. And I can’t even understand why. It’s killing me not to know- I’m an impatient person, sue me.

As a last resort, I had to sit with Lorcan bloody Scamander. My day just can’t seem to get any worse, gals. He was sitting alone (as per usual- he’s odd), and since I didn’t have anyone else to sit with (Miranda was sitting with a girl from Gryffindor with very curly hair), I decided to sit with him. Joy.

“What do we need to do, Lorcan?” I asked him wearily, since I was completely lost. Iput the tip of my fingers to my forehead, and massaged it tiredly. He just smiled at me dreamily. I’ll never admit it to anyone (ever), but he tends to scare me. A lot.

I wonder how his brother turned out to be normal- coming from a weird family like the Scamanders, it’s unheard of. Their mother is crazy, and their father is… crazier. And Lysander is just… boring compared to his whacko parents and his whacko brother.

“Oh, we just need to transfigure our partner’s hand into a Quaffle,” He said this simply, closing his eyes as if to go to sleep. Oh Merlin, he is as weird as his mum (or his dad, for that matter)… As if I’m going to believe that I need to transfigure his hand into a Quaffle.

Because that would be stupid. And unnecessary. And fucking ridiculous, alright?
I frowned at him, annoyed. I tend to be much crabbier when it’s my time of the month. And that’s saying something. But hey, isn’t everyone? The only person who isn’t is Eva. But Eva’s like an angel sent to Earth with the sole mission to be as nice as she can to anyone she comes across. Yeah, we can’t all be perfect. Sorry.

“I’m just going to go ask McGonagall something, alright?” I asked him stiffly. I stood up, and he began nodding. He reminds me of Dom sometimes. They’re both crazy loons.

I started walking (read: stomping) to McGonagall’s desk at the front of the classroom, where two Hufflepuffs were currently engaged in a conversation with her, not knowing exactly what to ask her. Yeah, I’m really going to ask her if she can tell me what to do because I didn’t listen to her explanations… I should just listen to Lorcan, but how am I to know if he’s telling me the truth or utter bullshit? He bloody looks like he’s on drugs half the time anyways.

And yet, he’s supposed to be pretty darn smart. As in, Ravenclaw smart. He’s practically the male version of his mother. They’re both smart in their stupidity. Or maybe that’s called wisdom. They’re odd. You can look at it in any point of view you want, but they will always be odd.

Girls stare at Lorcan as if he’s crazy, and sigh at Lysander as if he’s the fittest bloke on the planet. Which is weird, considering they look exactly the same. And they aren’t that good looking- they’re pretty average in my point of view. It’s just their personalities that are completely different. When someone acts as if they’re interesting, fit, and worth everyone’s attention, they become it. And Lysander has (unfortunately) become it. Lorcan…just, didn’t. Girls don’t like him much. And I can totally understand why, he’s a crazy idiot-

I stopped in my tracks.

I turned around to look at Lorcan, who was now doodling things on his parchment, humming to himself quietly. I quickly walked back to my seat, looking at him as if he were the answer to all my problems (he was). Then I looked down at his parchment, where there were things like 'The Nargles are coming' written all over it. I just stood there, frowning. What the hell is a Nargle? Then I turned to look at him, a frightened expression on my face. He is mad. Bleeding mad. He is also the answer to all of my problems! Him!

When Lorcan cocked his head to the side as if to ask me what was wrong and why I looked bloody insane, I shook my head slowly. But I suppose he thought it looked kind of like a twitch, because he smiled that weird smile at me, and my own smile wavered a bit as I tried as hard as I could to ignore the way he always looked into people eyes.
I took out my parchment hurriedly and ripped off a piece of it, feeling Locan's eyes on the back of my head. I then proceeded to write five small, yet somehow hugely significant words on it.

The Five Fools
1. Lorcan Scamander

And I felt like the king of the world. Lorcan hummed a soft tune quietly, and I grimaced, sighing irritably. He looked at me again, a calculating expression etched onto his face. Then he talked (joy of my day).

"You know," He began, frowning. Then he grinned, brightening up. "I think you have Nargles infested in your head!" He said excitedly. I stared at him, suddenly wanting to cross his name off of my parchment. I could find someone else, couldn't I? Someone sane? Someone who didn't know what Nargles were? Someone who wasn’t Lorcan Scamander?

His expression was one of pleasure which I completely didn't understand, and I smiled at him ever so slowly, slightly backing away from him. You never know, he might just jump on me and start pulling at my hair, screaming things like 'Nargles rule!' or 'Give me my Nargles!'.

...I'm not any better than him, am I?

Bloody hell, I'm worse.

I laughed shakily, clearing my throat awkwardly. What am I supposed to respond to that? 'Thanks, you too (Nargles are the best, by the way)'?


Fuck it.

Then I burst out laughing, clutching at my stomach, and somehow, forgetting all of my worries in the process.

Lorcan was now looking at me as if I was the one that was completely crazy, which only made me laugh harder. Hufflepuffs were probably also staring down at me, but I really just didn't give a shit- they're supposed to be nice to me (everyone) all the time, the little suckers. I was laughing for the first time in days, and it felt great.
Turns out today was not so bad after all.



Eeee, sorry for the cheesiness. Honestly! But you kind of needed to know a bit more on James’ and Toni’s relationship.Sorry for the boring and useless chapter guys, but it really will be important in the future.

So, comments? Thoughts? What do you think is wrong with Miranda? What do you think of Louis?- he’ll be reappearing during the rest of the story at random intervals.

Oh and sorry for getting your hopes up last chapter and saying this one would be long- it just didn’t work out. But next chapter will definitelyyyy be the first Singles Anonymous :) BE EXCITED. I kind of am :3 AND I HAVE STARTED THE NEXT CHAPTER. SO BE MORE EXCITED.
Please review!


PS: There will be some French words in this story, so if there are some, I will always put definitions of the said words on the bottom of my AN :) YAY for you!

T’es trop imbecile pour comprendre: You're too much of a fool (idiot) to understand.
C’est toi l’imbecile, Lou: You're the one who's a fool (idiot), Lou.
Je suis pas mal sur que c’est toi la seule imbecile ici: I'm pretty sure you're the only fool (idiot) here.
Non: No.
Oui: Yes.

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