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The Most Evil Mind of Lysander Scamander by Goldemort
Chapter 3 : Chapter 3 - In Which I Obtain a Hat
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 23

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A/N – Hi! Sorry about such the long wait, but, to cut a long story short, my computer broke, when I borrowed my sister's (which she will no longer let me do), I only remembered to update on fanfic and I just realised I can practically copy and paste it from there on my iPod. Anyway, thanks so much to Marian Abdisalam, Zora Weasley, It's Obvious, and May_Diggory_Wealsey for reviewing :). Just to let you know, there might not be another update for a while unless I can get hold of a computer, sorry! Edit: I actually just bought myself a laptop, expect an update within the next few days! Please review, and I hope you like this chapter! :) x

Chapter 3 - In Which I Obtain a Hat

       Why hello there my young apprentices, what a pleasure it is for you to join me again! Why the optimistic mood, may you ask? Well, when I went down to the entrance hall this morning to remove my request from the noticeboard, I noticed an additional name at the bottom of the list: Mea's!

       Overjoyed by this wondrous occurrence, I pinned a piece of spare parchment on top of my previous notice, and hastily scribbled a note:

       Lysander Scamander, Evil Genius Extraordinaire, is delighted to announce that, after much deliberation, the prestigious position of my evil assistant has gone to Mea. Kindly meet me in the room of requirement at 5:30pm tonight for a consultation about your new employment.


       As Mea stumbled into my grand evil lair (the room of requirement), I checked my multi-functioning watch: it was 5:30 exactly.

       "Hm. Punctual." I observed, wondering how exactly to pronounce her name, due to the fact her mind is so jumbled up that when I perform legilimency upon her, I can never seem to find anything of use: it seems I'm not a Hufflepuff for a reason. Reaching the conclusion that I should simply ask her about the pronunciation, but being reluctant to ask advice from an inferior being, I decided to be professional about it.

       "As a result of you putting your name down upon the publicly-readable Hogwarts noticeboard, there has been much speculation as to how to pronounce it. All day, I have been hearing many inexperienced children call you a multitude of different things, and, for their benefit, I would like to clear it up. How do you pronounce your name? Is it like 'Mia', or 'me'?" Bravo Lysander, only someone as amazing as you could have blamed this on the general population of Hogwarts.

       "Actually, it's pronounced meh."

       "Meh?" Now this is a turn of events, what an odd name.

       "Yes, meh" She sounds a little upset, but she surely isn't clever enough to figure out that I didn't know how to pronounce her name, is she? And above all, why do I care? I have much bigger things to worry about.

       "It's used in the same context as hmph, Lysander."

       "Hmph? I prefer meh. At least meh has a vowel in it." Wait, did she just call me Lysander? What cruel disrespectful notion is this? "And, now that you are under my control, you must address me as 'Evil Genius Extraordinaire', or possibly 'Almighty Leader Supreme', if neither of them work for you, I require 'O Great One' at least. Do you understand?"

       Mea simply nods in reply. She looks rather intimidated, what fun! How I love my evil awesomeness.

       "Now, I require secret tunnel to be built between my dormitory, the Hufflepuff common room, and here, so that you can bring me anything I want easily. Although I do understand that your magical abilities will never even compare to those of mine, this must be built, and undetectable, by Sunday afternoon. As it is Friday today, you have more than enough time to complete this. Farewell… Mea. You are dismissed."

       And so Mea left the room of requirement, leaving me to wonder what I shall make her do next.

      After two weeks of having an assistant, I had become accustomed to breakfasts in bed, followed by a large cup of delicious hot chocolate, courtesy of Mea and the Hogwarts House Elves. Therefore, it came as a surprise when, one morning, she arrived with a gift-wrapped box sporting a large bow.

       "What is the meaning of this?" I exclaimed, in desperate need of my hot chocolate.

       "The meaning of what, O Great Almighty Evil Master?" inquired Mea, looking as confused as ever.

       "Where in the name of merlin is my hot chocolate?" Mea flinched at the volume of my voice, and began to comprehend what I was saying.

       "Well, I was busy sorting out your present, Leader Supreme, I didn't have time."

       "My present, why would I require a present? I know I am superior to everyone else, but does this really deserve a present? Hmm.. I should demand a present from everyone, due to the sheer amazingness of Lysander Scaman-"

       "Not wanting to be rude or anything, Genius Extraordinaire, but I didn't get you a present because of your amazingness, I mean, you are amazing, of course, but I got you a present because today's your birthday"

       Oh dear. She has a LOT to learn.

       "My birthday? Who indeed do you think I am? I am far above the mere concept of a 'birthday', Mea: every day is Lysander day!" Every day is Lysander day? Hmm. That's a good slogan I could use for my 'Lysander Scamander: Evil Genius Extraordinaire' merchandise I am hoping to make available for purchase once I come of age.

       "I just thought it would be nice, O Wondrous One,"

       I had better explain. This is harder than I thought. "When I was eight, I established that 'birthdays' were far too happy to be of any use in this world, so, I stopped. No more birthdays for Lysander. And I intend to keep it that way. However, you have a present for me, and, needless to say, Lysander likes presents. Therefore, I shall be lenient, and accept your gracious gift."

       "Thank you, Great Evil Lysander"
       "Tata for now, Mea!"

       Mea scurried off down the tunnel towards the Hufflepuff common rooms, and I was sat with a rather large box. When I unwrapped and opened it, the first thing I saw was a note written in Mea's neat round handwriting.

       O Great Almighty Evil Genius Leader Supreme, Happy Birthday! Here is your present, it's not much, but I charmed it myself, and I hope you like it! By the way, upon the unlikely chance you do not know what it is, after opening it, of course,

       Opening it, now what a great idea! I look inside, with great anticipation, and find... A top hat?

       I shall tell you. It is a hat, which, undoubtedly, you have realised. However, this hat will, once placed upon your head, change colour to co-ordinate with whatever clothes you are wearing, and will change form to suit your mood/upon request. For example: when feeling important and wearing a red belt, it will take the form of a red top hat. If it's cold, it may turn into a woollen bobble hat, or if it's raining, it will take the shape of an umbrella hat. Again, I hope you like it, and even if I do say so myself, it is a really great hat!

       Lots of love and evil vibes,

              Mea x

       Wow, I've never had a hat before, oh this shall be such fun whilst evil planning! Speaking of which, I'd better be getting to my lair to work on my newest plot.

       And so, after two weeks of being in her presence, I have come to the conclusion that Mea is, in fact, totally awesome, for giving me a really great hat.

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