Chapter 3 : My heart is Hollow and Weak
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How can I see some-one so differently when I saw her as loony before, now I need her with me.
Love potion? No I didn’t eat or drink much yesterday.
Wrackspurts? More likely than love at first sight.
I’m Draco Malfoy, I don’t love, especially the likes of her family.
But she’s not loony, maybe yesterday I saw her for the first time what she really was.
I woke up to my mind on overdrive, I was still thinking about Luna. My sheets were damp and warm beneath me as I thought of Luna, how her skin felt, her dirty, muggle-loving skin. I hated myself.
“You’re mad.” I whispered to myself. “I never liked that Loony. Why do I despise her all of a sudden?”
I love you with all the madness in my soul.
“You’re not weak, Draco, don’t weaken yourself.” I said in a husky voice.
But I’m already weak.
My vision blurred and I wiped my streaking tears.
Malfoy’s don’t cry, Malfoy’s don’t love.
“I can’t stand her!” I growled. “What has she done? Why is she doing it?”
Why does my own conscious go against me?
She doesn’t love me, I couldn’t blame her if she hates me, I’m sure she hates me.
I wanted her to hate me.
I’m going to die of loneliness.
No, you’re a Malfoy, every-one wants you, you’re rich, powerful and good-looking.
I sat up and looked to my right where there was another bloody mirror. My reflection was different today, my face was damp with tears, my eyes sparkled because they had a good washing out. Any pain I felt seeped through my skin, my pain mingled with my tears, cleansing and renewing me. I smirked for the first time in months at my reflection.
After a generous breakfast and a shower, I prepared myself for that stupid job at that stupid wand shop. At least I didn’t have to see any-one, my work was entirely away from the eye of customers, thank Merlin.
After work, I sauntered through the streets. I always sauntered before the death of Dumbledore, since then, I dragged myself to places, feeling guilt and weakness. Today, I felt pompous and I swaggered, analysing those I saw, their eyes, happy eyes, crying eyes, sleeping eyes. I smoothed my hair from my forehead and pressed to the bank. I took out much more money, I felt adventurous.
Wistful eyes clutched mine , I saw Luna’s form across from me. She stood swinging slightly in the wind, her soft hair teasing me as it clung To her frame, clung to the wind. She waved slightly, I gave her a wink in return. She looked more surprised than she always did and raised an eyebrow. I raised my own eyebrow in reply. Luna’s lips parted slightly, her azure eyes expansive, watching mine as I swaggered to her. She gasped when I stood a foot from her, I leaned into her ear and I breathed, “Do my eyes tell me untruth? Is that Loony Lovegood I see?” I paused then continued, “Luna”, breaking the lonely silence, only the breeze could be heard and the sound of animals stepping on twigs in the autumn ground, cool and splashed with warm colours. I felt her presence mingle with mine as she closed her eyes briefly. I pulled away and looked into her eyes. Her white skin was flushed and I smirked, I liked having that effect on people. I liked making her feel awkward.
“Hello, Draco, nice seeing you again,” Her voice was weak and just above a whisper. She continued to blush brightly. “I didn’t expect to see you.”
“I can’t say the same to you Loony,” I stepped away from her and I could see slight panic on her face, she stepped towards me.
“What brings you to France?”
I thought of death, my mother’s lifeless eyes, the death I caused selfishly, I was an indirect murderer.
“There are some things I keep to myself, I keep to myself for a reason,” I thought of how the death-eaters wanted to kill me. I should have surrendered myself, like a coward I ran and hid, that’s why I’m in France. “You won’t understand.” I spoke through gritted teeth.
Luna struck a chord, I sneered and looked at her eyes through my grey slits. She looked panicked again, but in a different way. She waited for me to say some-thing terrible to her to hurt her, but I didn’t. Instead, I walked away from her, I didn’t want to scare her, I wanted to leave her alone, I didn’t want her to know I was capable of feeling hurt. I wanted to see her fear, she didn’t seem to understand she irritated me, her sick dirty blood radiating under my skin like an infection, penetrating my senses. She was one of Potter’s. I didn’t like Potter. I wanted to see her suffer and cry, her baby eyes in pain, paying for being a blood traitor, I felt her and her whole family should be sterilised. I wanted to poison her mind and play tricks on her like she did me. But I didn’t want to be the one to do it. I wanted her to get the picture and self destruct so I didn’t have to deal with her any-more.
I turned back and saw Luna watching her feet, her bare feet!
She was curling her wavy hair around her finger biting her bottom lip. I turned again and made my way home, hoping the closer I got will bring me closer to sanity. The closer I got to home, the more alone I was and the less sane I felt. I smirked at the irony, being close to Luna I was sane. “What will become of me?” I mumbled inwardly as I stepped into my cleaner hallway. The place was silent except for the sound of my tapping slowly as I walked, dragging my fingers on the wall, no longer collecting dust. My loneliness echoed through the plain air, and I felt an accomplishment for causing pain to Luna, her heart was sad, her heart was crushed.
Hurting a woman’s feelings doesn’t make you strong.
Pretending to hate a woman doesn’t make you strong.
Denying yourself of love makes you weak.
Deep inside me, I felt a deep void growing, a deep unhappiness growing.
It was wrong to hurt Luna.
I turned my body to face the outside again, the trees whispered to me. “What did she look like?” They asked me, hissing at my guilt. “She was lovely,” they replied to themselves, to me, “Before I even saw her.” I wasn’t sure who I was talking about, but the presence within me curled her arms around my heart, I felt her body heat warm inside me. I was whipped by the trees, the icy wind numbed me, my bones sucked my skin and I felt the trees tapping as I walked further through them. “Destiny is tragic.” I heard the wind hum to me through my mouth. “I don’t know how to stop.” I hated hating, I confided to the nothingness in front of me. I couldn’t stop hating. It spread through me like the curse. “My heart is cold,” I started, “It is made of ice and brick and stone. There is nothing in me any-more. I am a shell of some-one I no longer know. A stranger. I am just waiting for the tide to take me away.” I was. The echo of the forest soothed me, I didn’t care if I lived. “My heart isn’t strong enough for this.” I felt my mind hated Luna, but my body told me a different story. My bones held resentment, my heart hated her blood, my skin detached when I thought of her lips, but my arousement was often visible when I thought of Luna, in the shadow of my mind, she stayed. She made appearances when I slept, when I rested, when I showered, and made an appearance now. I thought of her bones, her flesh was constantly mingled with mine as I thought about her. “The worst is yet to come,” I echoed the wind. Conscious, I wanted to purge my thoughts of her, she was a dirty muggle-lover. When I was semi-conscious or asleep, she was a part of me, she sent pleasure through my body but she wasn’t really there. If my mother was alive, she would guide me to reality again, if my father was, he would strike me until I came back myself, but no-one was here to awaken me. I did this to myself. I thought my mother would always be there for me, to hug me when I felt lost, to reassure me I’m doing some-thing right, to push me when I needed encouragement and to kiss me and tell me she’s proud of me. I had no-one. No-one was proud of me. I was bitterly alone. No-one relied on me, I was a dead man. I thought of my aunt Bellatrix and visibly shuddered as the wind rapped me, mirroring my thoughts, warning me. I liked the darkness and I let it creep over me, standing in the forest, listening to the leaves fall to the ground, carrying the moon-light with it causing the ground to glow beneath me. The crack of small animals scurrying, gathering and living.
I sauntered slowly home, thinking of my spells, and why I could only get to a certain level, my spells weak although I tried many times. I stopped abruptly in my tracks at the forests opening.
“That’s it!” I broke my soundless throat. I needed to use wand-less magic, only powerful wizards could perform such magic, but I needed some-thing to protect me in a risky situation. I gained speed and went straight to my library. I pulled out all my spell books and scanned the pages eagerly, none seemed to involve wand-less magic, wand-less magic, I was aware, needed special control over the elements; fire, water, earth and air. I needed to build my inner strength, open my mind and use the elements to provide me with such power. I went to sleep that night with my first slither of optimism I had felt in a long time. For the first time, I also slept through the night, un-interrupted, left with my ideas and night-mares.