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Typical Clueless Guy by PygmyPuffLover
Chapter 1 : The Introduction
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 15

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 stunningly beautiful chapter image made by the amazing Magic_Phoenix.   


“Vanessa, WAKE UP NOW!” Lily roared, chucking a pillow at my head rather aggressively.

My opinion is that having two brothers has caused her to have rather violent tendencies, but I keep these opinions to myself as I fear for the life of my limbs.

Seriously, Lily is violent.

She once tried to bite Albus’ hand off because he tried to take a chip off her plate.

If the girl wasn’t fucking amazing, I would so find a new, less violent best friend.

“I’m getting up, I’m getting up.” I grumbled, as I hauled myself to my feet. I flinched as my bare feet hit the wood panelled floor.

I stumbled over to the jug of water of the windowsill and poured myself a generous glass of the icy liquid to wake myself up.

I downed it in one, and wiped my mouth of the sleeve of my pyjama top.

I am so elegant and feminine it is almost ridiculous.

Lily chuckled behind me, and I turned around to see her grinning at me and shaking her head.

“What?” I asked her.

“It’s just funny to watch you sometimes.” She smiled, and I put my hand on my heart and pretended to wipe my eyes with gratitude.

She tipped her head back and laughed, her long red hair rippling down her back like an auburn waterfall.

She was such a stunning little bitch.

Yes, you may have detected the subtle note of jealousy in my voice.

I try not to let it show.

I fail miserably.

I bounded over the bed in a quick leap and landed elegantly on my feet in front of her, before scooping her up into a giant hug and spinning her around.

She squealed and laughed, and I laughed along with her.

That was another great thing about Lily; she had the most infectious laugh that you will ever hear in your life.

I put her down on her feet and we stood there and chuckled for a minute, before she headed over to her bed and pulled a shirt from under it.

Most of her wardrobe lived under there; she was such a messy cow.

It was then I noticed the calendar on the wall, and the alarm clock sitting next to it.

“Lily, it’s a Saturday! Why on earth did you wake me up at half past seven if it’s a Saturday?” I screeched indignantly.

She grinned at me wickedly and waggled her eyebrows.

I aimed my slipper for the back of her head.

BOOM. Target met.

I am so cool it almost hurts.

“It’s Hogsmeade today!” Lily sang happily. “We need time to get ready.”

“Lily, it’s the middle of October, so we are going to have to wear coats anyway, unless you feel like freezing your boobs off. So the nub and gist of what I'm trying to say, is WHY ON EARTH DOES IT MATTER WHAT WE WEAR?” I bellowed the last sentence and she jumped slightly in surprise. 

But she quickly got over it, rolled her eyes and continued to rummage under her bed for a skirt. Seriously, would it kill the girl to hang her clothes up in a wardrobe?

I shuffled over to the bathroom and kicked open the door, not wanting to remove my hands from the warm pockets of my pyjama trousers.

When I got into the bathroom I wiped some of the condensation off the mirror and picked up my stripy toothbrush.

I brushed my teeth thoroughly but speedily, and then splashed some cold water onto my tired looking face.

I pulled my pyjama top over my head, and yanked down my pyjama trousers, before leaping into the shower and smiling into the heat of the warm water.

I loved showers, especially on warm autumn mornings.

I stepped out of the shower carefully fifteen minutes later, wrapping a fluffy towel around my body to try and trap in the heat of the shower.

I wrapped a smaller towel around my curly blonde hair, which was currently hanging in tangles down my back, stopping with a kink at my waist.

I padded back into the dormitory and grinned at Lily, who was plucking her eyebrows about an inch away from the mirror.

She grinned back and gestured to the beds to her left, where the occupants were beginning to stir, no doubt awoken at this ridiculous hour of the morning by the noise Lily and I were making.

And if the girls in our dorm were waking up, then that means... Ariadne would be waking up.


Ariadne Duress. Otherwise known as the most obnoxious, rude, self-centred, and just downright bitchy girl that I had ever had the misfortune to meet.

I don’t care how fucking pretty she is, how in the name of Merlin’s undercrackers does she get so many really nice boyfriends?

She is awful.

That is the perfect way to sum her up. She is just an awful human being.

If you can even call her that.

I winced and quickly jumped onto my bed, yanking the curtains shut just as Lily leapt onto it as well.

We did not want to be the first people she saw in the morning.

She was not a morning person.

I finished plucking Lily’s eyebrows for her, and then she did mine.

I was shivering through most of it as I was still wet and wearing only a towel. Would it kill them to cast a couple of heating charms in here? Who is 'them', anyway? 

When we had hidden away for over half an hour, I finally pulled the curtains back.

Ariadne was in the process of putting her make up on, and bloody hell, she doesn't half cake the crap on. 

She had about twelve layers of mascara on. How can she even see where she is going through it?

And then I noticed what she was wearing.

My jaw actually dropped.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Lily do exactly the same.

She was wearing the shortest skirt known to mankind, that only just seemed to cover her arse and was so skin tight I was surprised she could even move her legs backwards and forwards.

On her feet she wore a pair of black ankle boots, which had heels longer than my ruler. I would like to point out, just for clarification, that I own one of those pathetic little half-length rulers, not a big twelve-incher. I would have a big ruler, but my mum started ranting about how large rulers require large pencil cases, and this means less quill and ink space, and it all got so boring that I zoned out. 

But the basic summary was I am not allowed an ordinary length ruler.

But back to the issue at hand - seriously, how can she even stay upright?

She tottered around as she picked up various Wonder Witch products, as Lily and I just stared at her in shock.

Good grief, this girl was vanity personified.

I winced as the light glared off in her hair, which was black and down to her arse, as well as the perfect poker straight that most girls wanted.

I groaned, and rooted around in my drawer for some clean underwear that matched the colour of my clothes.

I fucking hate the bitch, and try not to think about her too often, but there is one thing that I have always wondered about her.

How on Earth does someone as horrible as her have Hugo Weasley as a boyfriend?

Hugo Weasley: Hottest Guy in School. Amazing Chaser. Most Likely to Become Quidditch Captain Next Year After His Cousin Albus Leaves. Hilariously Funny. Most Popular Guy at Hogwarts.

However, this was my personal favourite:

Lily’s Cousin.

That was what I knew him as. I had never really spoken to him enough to formulate an opinion on his personality, and I wasn’t the type of girl that made an opinion about someone just based on how they looked.

Yes, I suppose he is what most people would call traditionally attractive. 

But he seems a little shallow to me.

And how, you may ask, have I come to that conclusion?

Well, it is relatively simple.

He is dating Ariadne. Not much to it, really.

Lily’s voice awoke me out of my coma like stupor.

“Vanessa! Are you going to get ready this side of midnight?” She asked.

“Yeah...” I said vaguely.

I pulled on my underwear and began to unbutton the vintage dress I was wearing today.

It was made of white eyelet lace, and finished two inches above my knee. The bodice was covered in ruffles, which were all topped with some more black lace. It was sleeveless.

I loved this dress, it made me feel pretty.

Once I was dressed and my hair had been dried, I pulled on my shoes.

Me and Lily linked arms and bounced out of the doorway, grinning from ear to ear.

I love Hogsmeade weekends.

But my happy mood was soiled spectacularly by the sight waiting for us in the Common Room.

Ariadne and Hugo were snogging on the couch so enthusiastically they looked like they were eating each other’s faces off.

There were hands... everywhere, and they were moaning and groaning and bleaurgh!

I am officially scarred for life. This little scene has to be the most disgusting thing I have ever seen throughout my entire existence. 

Oh my bloody Merlin.

He’s running his hands up and down her arse!

I am actually going to be sick.

I heard Lily retching next to me and I turned to see her standing there with her hands over her eyes and looking like she was trying not to throw up.

I giggled at her mortified expression and dragged her past the two disgusting perverts. In my haste to get past them I crashed straight into Lily’s brother, Albus.

Albus. What an absolute babe.

Seriously, he is one of the most amazing people that I have ever met in my life.

He's like a brother to me, and obviously he is like one to Lily, considering he is her brother and all... anyway. It's such a shame that he is in the year above, because that means that he leaves at the end of the year.

It’s really not fair, I’ll really miss him.

Plus, he is the only one who can control the entire family since James left.

I don’t know what it is with Potter boys but everyone just seems to do what they say.

It's quite funny to watch, actually.

He grinned at me briefly and then marched past us, heading straight for the pair of eels behind us.

“Hugo Bilius Weasley, drop that girl right now, you don’t know where she's been.” He said, in a loud and commanding voice.

Hugo dropped his hands at once, and shoved Ariadne off his knee.

She pouted and tossed her hair in irritation, glaring at Albus with clear disdain.

I rolled my eyes, and together Lily and I waltzed out of the Portrait Hole, and down to Hogsmeade Village.


We were in Hogsmeade by midday.

I didn’t have a lot of money with me. My parents were generous with their cash but we weren’t incredibly rich, so there wasn’t much to be generous with. This didn’t really bother me though, I was perfectly happy with what I had.

Lily said that was what made me so unique.

I was one of those rare people who wanted what they had and had what they wanted. At least, that's what Lily says. Sometimes I think she just says that to cover up the fact that her family could probably buy a Greek island if it tickled their fancy.

We stopped off at Honeydukes first. I bought a bag of Pepper Imps and a handful of Sugar Quills, as well as taking a few testers of the new Whirling Toffees and Levitating Lollipops, which tasted oddly like vanilla cheesecake.

I sucked on one of the lollipops thoughtfully as we sauntered down the road to Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes.

Lily’s Uncle George owned the coolest shop known to mankind.

It was so good, it put the old Zonko’s Joke Shop out of business, but now Mr Zonko worked in the shop with her Uncle George.

We shoved the door open and leapt into the packed shop, struggling to breathe in the crowd. There were so many people in here that you couldn’t see the products on the shelves - hell, you couldn’t see the person two metres in front of you.

Me and Lily joined hands to prevent separation and flung ourselves into the crowd with gay abandon.


I’ve always wanted to use the expression ‘gay abandon’. Another thing to check off my things-I-want-to-do-before-I-die list.

We reached the row of shelves that lined the left wall of the shop eventually, and began rummaging through the boxes, looking for the new products and repurchasing the old favourites.

When Lily and I managed to wrestle ourselves into the queue, her Uncle came strolling through the shop, throwing an arm around each of our shoulders.

I love the way Lily’s family treat me like family.

He pulled us gently to the back of the store, and into the bright office that was cut off from the rest of the shop.

It was much quieter in here, and it took a moment for my ringing ears to get used to the silence.

“How’s my Lils?” He asked Lily, chuckling and she rubbed her ears and grimaced.

“Fine.” Lily mumbled, but then she looked up and grinned at him. His answering beam seemed to reflect off the walls.

“And you, Nessie?” He asked.

I growled. Everyone knows I loathed and despised the name Nessie. It makes me feel like a little three year old being cooed over, and I am not a three year old. I am a mature and fully grown woman. Ish.

“I’m fine, Georgie-Porgie.” I shot back, and he glared mockingly at me, pretending to be offended.

The man hated that name.

Lily’s Uncle Ron said it was something to do with childhood nickname issues.

He gave me a brief shove in the shoulder, but was smiling anyway.

George Weasley was one of the loveliest men I have ever met, but seeing him always made me feel a little sad. When he thought no one was looking his face always fell into lines of sadness, telling the tale of what he went through during the Great War.

He lost his twin brother - his best friend.

And according to Lily, he had never gotten over it, even twenty years later.

I looked into George’s face, especially at his eyes. His eyes were a beautiful ocean blue; the same colour as Hugo Weasley’s, incidentally.

Not that I care what Hugo Weasley’s eyes look like, of course.

His eyes, despite being a beautiful sparkling blue, were tinged with an emotion that never seemed to stop haunting them, even when he was looking at something else.

Sadness was there, in George’s eyes, a symbol of the bond that had been shared between the two brothers.

And despite his brother being gone, he would never really have left, as he lived every day inside George’s eyes.

If anyone looked hard enough into them, you could see him.

And that, to me, was love.

Love wasn’t sexual attraction, or fancying girls with straight hair, high heels and big boobs. It was caring about somebody so deeply that you would never stop caring about them, even after they were gone. It was truly loving someone.


“Oh my Merlin!” Came a shriek from the bathroom.

I didn’t even bother to look up from the quill I was currently mending.

I had heard Ariadne’s shrieking enough to know that the subject would not be of any interest to me.

I heard Lily sigh, and listened very carefully, wondering if I would be able to hear the sound of her eyes roll.

I couldn’t. But I knew that she was rolling them.

Best friends always know, see.

She stomped into the dorm and thrust a shampoo bottle under my nose, waggling it about menacingly. I crossed my eyes to stare at it and cocked an eyebrow delicately.

“Who,” She hissed menacingly. “DARED to use my shampoo, to wash their own grimy, DISGUSTING hair?” She asked, her eyes deranged and the fist clutching the bottle shaking.

“I don’t know.” I said calmly, leaning backwards to re-establish the personal bubble.

I know that to all normal people this would seem like a ridiculous over reaction, and you are on the verge of screaming ‘GET THE PSYCOTIC CHILD OFF TO ST MUNGOS NOW!’, but trust me, for Ariadne this was a perfectly normal reaction to something so trivial.

Most people wouldn’t even notice if one wash’s worth of shampoo disappeared out of the bottle.

But Psycho-Chick noticed. Of course.

“I anyone EVER DARES to use my shampoo ever again, I will personally rip your heart out and feed it to my owl in the FREAKING OWLERY!” She screamed, and then she turned on her heel and stalked back into the bathroom, tossing her long hair over her shoulder.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to my quill.

“Out of curiosity, who did use her shampoo?” Lily asked; her tone light and friendly.

“I didn’t.” I said.

This answer was mirrored by three other voices.

I always knew that girl was bat crap crazy. No one even used her freaking shampoo. 

Oh Merlin.

Please tell me I did not just waste several precious thoughts thinking about Ariadne and her stupid shampoo.

God, I hate that girl so much it is like a freaking disease.

I finished mending my quill and stored it away in my bag.

I then raced over to Lily’s bed and leapt on it elegantly. I landed with a dull thunk and Lily’s motionless body leapt a few inches into the air.

Her eyes snapped open and she snarled, before noticing it was me.

She grinned and patted me on the head gently, before closing her eyes again and sinking back down onto her pillow.

Lilyyyyyy!” I sang.

“What?” She grumbled.

“Can we go down to the kitchens and get something to eat?” I asked.

You can.” She said grouchily. “I’m staying right here.”

“Can I have the map then?”


“Thanks. And the cloak?”

“Help yourself. Bring me back some cookies.”


And with that I leapt of the bed, pulled the Invisibility Cloak around my shoulders and slipped the Marauders Map underneath it. I loved the weeks when it was Lily’s turn to use this stuff.

It was so fun.

I strolled down the corridor, humming to myself, until I reached the picture of the fruit bowl.

I tickled the pear and turned the handle, before pulling the door open and stepping into the room full of crackling fires and platters of food.

But the room was not deviod of people like it usually was. There was someone talking to the house elves, sitting on one of the hard backed chairs that surrounded the well scrubbed table.

They turned around when I walked in.

“Oh. Hi, Vanessa.” He said awkwardly.

“Hi, Hugo.” I grimaced back.


disclaimer: none of this belongs to me, and I own nothing you recognise.

hello :) so, what do you think of the first chapter? i'd love to know what you guys think, and any ways it could be improved. thoughts on vanessa and lily?

a/n: chapter edited as of 09/04/2012.

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