Chapter 15 : Can't Get Enough
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“Where do you see yourself in five years?” Shay asked Sirius while they lay in bed early in the morning.
Sirius contemplated the question for a few seconds while playing with Shay’s hair.
“God willing, the war is over, I hope to have a career. Maybe after all this is over and I prove that I’m nothing like my family, I can try to become an auror again. It’s the only thing I can see myself doing. I can see us being together. Maybe we’ll be married by that time and maybe we’ll be ready to have another kid. But the way our world is right now, I don’t count on tomorrow being the same boring day as before.”
“Married with children, huh?” Shay asked with a bitter smirk.
“That’s not in your forecast?”
“I honestly don’t know. Now that I’m going back to Hogwarts in a few months it really changes things. What if I really like it, Sirius? That means I won’t be an auror, which is what I always wanted. Would it be wise to start a family if I’m away at Hogwarts all the time? And we have to make sure that we’re ready to start a family Sirius. I’m so happy that we had Cillian but we both know that we weren’t ready. Neither of us had good parents so we need to make sure that we’re the best we can be. But the way things are going, I can definitely see myself with you in the years to come,” Shay said with a soft smile.
“I wish I still had the Marauder’s Map,” Sirius said suddenly.
“Why?” Shay asked and gave him a questioning glance.
“It would make it easier to sneak into Hogwarts to come visit you. I’m actually pretty excited about being able to sneak around that place again. Every boy’s fantasy is to sleep with a hot professor, so my dream can finally come true,” Sirius said with a big grin.
Shay blushed a little but laughed it off.
“I almost forgot that all you ever think about is sex. The last thing I need is for McGonagall or Severus to catch us in the act.”
“Didn’t I tell you? Severus is the new Potions professor. He’s taking over for Slughorn as the head of Slytherin.”
Sirius seemed to take offense to this.
“I just don’t understand Dumbledore’s choices some times,” Sirius said and shook his head.
“I don’t understand why you can be such a hateful person sometimes. You’re absolutely brilliant to me and other people you care about. But when I bring up Severus or Remus you go off the deep end. It makes me think back to when you used to treat me like that,” Shay said and sat up in bed.
“Snape is a death eater and Remus betrayed me. I’ve dealt with death eaters and betrayal my whole life Shay. I’m sorry but I’m not going to have it now if I don’t need to. I’ve apologized for what I did to you and I know that’s not enough but I don’t know what else to do about it. If I could take it back, I would in a second.”
“I know you would Sirius. And I know you don’t want to hear this but I have plans with Remus today,” Shay said and prepared herself for the hurricane coming.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Sirius said and ran his hands through his hair.
“He’s one of my best friends. The fact that he still wants to be friends with me after everything that happened amazes me. I’m never going to stop being friends with him.”
“Shay, he’s the spy.”
“Sirius, it would be more likely for you or me to be the spy. You can tell me that Remus John Lupin is the spy in the Order of the Phoenix everyday for the rest of our existence and I will never believe you,” Shay explained while getting ready for her day.
“Until he pulls the trigger and somebody else dies.”
“I can’t listen to this nonsense now,” Shay said and grabbed a bath towel and her robe.
“It’s not nonsense, it’s logic. Pretty much every werewolf is on You-Know-Who’s side. What sets Remus apart?” Sirius questioned, resting on his elbows in bed.
“He’s one of us. There is no further explanation,” Shay answered from the doorway.
“That’s not good enough for me Shay. That doesn’t keep you safe. It doesn’t keep James and Lily safe.”
“No, Sirius. You keep James and Lily safe. So why don’t you focus on that instead of ripping Remus to shreds. It doesn’t even make me angry anymore. It makes me sad that he still considers you one of his best friends. So I’m going to spend time with Remus today because he obviously needs a better friend than you,” Shay finished.
Sirius fell back against his pillows after Shay left the doorway to take a shower. He couldn’t understand why she couldn’t see where he was coming from. Everybody in the Order is aware of the spy. Everyone is suspect. For a while there were some whispers that Shay could have been the spy but Sirius shut it down as quickly as it began. There weren’t many people left in the Order. They had lost Marlene, Dorcas, Niki and Alana. Edgar Bones and his family had been murdered while Shay was missing and Caradoc Dearborn had gone missing a few weeks prior. And with Lily and James in hiding, it left slim pickings. Sirius was sure some people thought he was the spy. It would make sense. Sirius wasn’t even completely sure if Remus was the spy. A few days prior, Benjy Fenwick questioned Peter’s intentions but Sirius, Shay and Remus defended their friend. Only four people knew that Peter Pettigrew was the secret keeper. Peter was the most loyal person Sirius had ever met. That’s why he suggested the switch to Lily and James.
Sirius missed all of the Potters. However, he knew how disappointed they would be with how he was treating Remus. But Sirius had to protect what was his and in his mind he was doing just that.
“What are your plans for today?” Shay asked as she reentered the bedroom, fresh out of the shower.
“Nothing planned, really. I might take the bike out for a while. I would ask if you want to join but I know you have other plans.”
Shay gave Sirius a sideways glance after the small jab.
“I think I might let Jack play with Padfoot for a bit. I haven’t done that in a while,” Sirius said and finally sat up.
“I think you get just as much enjoyment out of it as he does,” Shay said with a smile.
“He’s a funny dog. Very smart and really cares about the both of us. Especially you. He was a wreck when you went missing.”
“He is a good dog. He’s been through a hell of a lot in his short life, but haven’t we all?”
“Dinner tonight?” Sirius asked.
“Of course. I’ll buy.”
“Shay, you can’t teach first years advanced spells like this,” Remus said while looking through Shay’s lesson plans for the upcoming school year.
“Remus, they need to be taught as much as possible while they have time. By this time next year You-Know-Who could have complete control,” Shay countered.
“We both know that as long as Dumbledore is around people will be safe, especially at Hogwarts.”
“Fine. I’ll just teach them the boring stuff and all the little first years will hate me because I’m so boring. But if I find out these kids like Severus more than me, I’m coming after you.”
“That’s impossible. I’ve seen Snape try to teach people before when we were both tutors. It was not a pretty sight. You’re great with kids and you’re spectacular at Defense Against the Dark Arts. You just have to make the lessons your own,” Remus said.
“Can I bring you with me?” Shay asked with a smile.
“Ah, you don’t need me. I wouldn’t mind coming around to visit every once in a while though.”
“Half of these kids are probably going to remember me from school. How are they going to respect the girl who got pregnant during her 7th year by Sirius Black, who was practically a juvenile delinquent most of his school time?”
“Why are you worrying about this so much? Albus doesn’t pick just anyone for these positions. You deserve this,” Remus said and gave Shay’s hand a reassuring rub.
“Did you see that?” Sirius thought as he and Jack watched Shay and Remus from the window.
“We shouldn’t be here,” Jack responded.
“We’ll leave soon. I just want to make sure he doesn’t touch her anymore.”
“She’s going to be mad if she sees you. She’ll be mad at me too.”
“No, she’ll just be mad at me. Stop worrying,” Sirius finished and kept watching the two.
He wasn’t touching her but they looked like they were having a deep conversation. It made Sirius mad with jealously. He wanted to know what they were talking about. He trusted Shay; he just didn’t trust Remus.
“He’s a good man,” Jack, who was getting bored with the whole situation, communicated with Sirius.
“How would you know?”
“I lived with him for a while. He treated me kind and he treated her the same.”
Shay was listening to Remus babble on about what she should be teaching third years when she saw a pair of eyes staring at her through the window. She was taken aback at first but then recognized whom they belonged to. Sirius had transformed into Padfoot and followed her to Remus’s. She couldn’t believe that he would actually do that.
“What are you looking at?” Remus asked when he finally realized she had stopped listening.
She snapped out of it and smiled at Remus. He didn’t need to know.
“Nothing, I was just caught in a thought.”
She quickly glanced back at the window and saw that the dog was now gone. Sirius must have fled.
“How about some dinner, Remus?”
Shay came home late, to find Sirius in the living room and he seemed to be waiting for her.
“I thought we were going to have dinner?” he asked her when she sat down across from him.
“I saw that you were busy, so I made a change of plans.”
“Instead of having to apologize all the time, how about you just stop doing stupid things? It would make this relationship so much easier,” Shay expressed her frustration.
“Sometimes I can’t help myself,” Sirius said and looked away from her.
“I just don’t understand why you don’t trust me. What have I ever done to make you not trust me? I’ve been faithful. I’ve been fair. I’ve been honest. I’ve stood by you and I get nothing in return.”
“I love you,” Sirius said with pure sincerity.
“I know. We can’t screw this up Sirius. We’re not going to get another chance.”
“I’ll do better. I promise.”
Shay was silent for a minute and Sirius waited for her to weigh in.
“I think I’m going to move to Hogwarts early. I think we need to try to be our own people,” Shay decided and was a little shaken.
“I really don’t understand this. Why would you want to do this?”
“Why wouldn’t we? Sirius, we’ve been joined at the hip for years. I love that we know each other so well, but we need to start working on ourselves. I have a lot of things that I need to work out.”
“We can work them out together,” Sirius said.
“Some things we have to work out together but this we have to start on our own. Sirius, you spent almost a year looking for me, then nursing me back to health and I love you for that. But that’s not good for anyone. I want you to start caring for yourself just as much as you care for me. Is that too much to ask?”
“This isn’t going to be fun for me,” Sirius said sadly.
“It doesn’t have to be bad, Sirius. Go out and meet new people. You don’t have to think about me every second of the day. I trust you Sirius.”
Shay got up and sat on Sirius’s lap.
“Don’t be mad at me for this,” Shay said.
Shay rested her head against his chest and could smell soap and nature from his day’s travels. It made her melt.
She realized being away from him was going to be rough. Sirius Black was addicting.
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