I had tutored Sirius ‘The Most Annoying Person On This Earth Ever To Breathe’ Black for nearly three weeks, and I had started to regret it all. Not only was he always – and I do mean always! - terribly late, he was also driving me crazy.
And not in a good way.
If he wasn’t paying attention – which he wasn’t, 99% of the time – he tried to push me over the edge by asking stupid questions a first year student could’ve answered.
That actually happened once.
This time, Black was late from his Herbology tutoring. I looked down at the Herbology book - Herbology; Volume VI - in disgust. It was the most boring, but easiest, class to take. All those voluntary chores in the garden back at St Blossom had paid off.
But my disgust wasn’t because of that. Oh no – it was because of the subject of today’s tutoring; how to use different herbs and plants to cure pus.
Merlin help me.
“Soooooooooorr-eeeeeeeehh!” came a cheerful voice, just as Black waltzed in, his hair ruffled as if he had just rolled out of bed.
Wouldn’t surprise me much, to be honest.
“Where have you been?” I demanded, watching him scot down in the seat opposite of me. “I’ve been waiting for hours! It’s nearly eight o’clock! Curfew is in one hour!”
Black blinked once, before flashing a brilliant smile, and scratching his neck. “No worries, mate,” he said, shrugging.
“I’m not that thrilled to serve detention with you just because you were too tired to get your arse out of bed earlier!” I growled, slamming my book shut.
“I’m merely stating that teachers will let you go with a tiny warning, if you tell them you were tutoring me,” he pointed out. “Aren’t you a Prefect, or whatever?”
I glared at him, my lips pursed. “Yes.”
“Well, what do you know?” he said innocently, smacking his forehead. “So, what are we learning today?”
I opened the book slowly, and slammed it in front of him at the correct page. “Pus,” I managed to get through gritted teeth.
“ALL RIGHT!” he said, grabbing the book excitedly. After a moment of investigating the true contents of the book, he shoved it back at me with an expression of pure horror. “This isn’t—“
“Copy the three pages for tomorrow,” I said curtly, standing up. “And if you don’t show up tomorrow, you can wave your tutoring goodbye, Mr Black.”
With a satisfied feeling, I marched out.
~ * ~
Sirius Black is so dead.
I had never been a person with negative or harmful thoughts. I wasn’t a hateful person, even. I actually disliked, well, no one. Well, fine, I was only human, after all. All I’m saying is that I didn’t hate anyone, and I never wished anything bad to happen to anyone.
Not even to Slytherins.
But Sirius Black would die tonight.
It was almost humiliating, walking back to the Gryffindor Tower after two hours of waiting. I had no idea what could be more important than today’s tutoring; didn’t he wish to get an excellent grade? Did he actually expect me to wait forever, and show up whenever it pleased him?
Well, he had a whole other thing coming; Sirius Black would die tonight.
“Polyjuice,” I muttered to the Fat Lady, and climbed through the portrait hole.
I knew I would run into Black at some point – I just wasn’t mentally prepared to run into him right now.
So it knocked the air out of me when I found him chatting away with Jenny McLaughlin.
“SIRIUS BLACK!” I roared, making everyone in the Common Room look up at me. “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?”
“Talking,” he said with a shrug. “Why—“ he began, as he watched the colour on my face change dangerously. “Oh shit, was I supposed to—“
“Meet me two hours ago?” I said helpfully, glaring daggers at him. “YES!”
“I was on my way, but—“ he started, standing up.
That. Did. It.
“YOU – INSUFFERABLE – LITTLE – TOERAG!” I screamed, throwing my books at him. “WE ARE DONE!”
“Are you two dating?” Jenny asked with wide eyes, backing away.
“NO!” both Black and I said at the same time.
Jenny raised her hands in the air, looking fearfully around, as I walked up to Black, trying to control my anger in a somewhat dignifying way.
“Why so mad?” he asked, trying to grin.
I glared him down, jabbing my finger at him. “If I were you,” I said darkly, my words like venom. “I wouldn’t waste my perfect Pureblood background and play around – I would work, and make myself useful. If I were you, I would never--“
“Well, if I were you,” Black cut off, his eyes suddenly dark. “I would remove the stick from my arse, and chill!”
“You don’t know anything about me!” I said, my voice shaking.
I was starting to lose it.
“And you don’t know me!” he snapped back.
“I’ll survive,” I hissed, swivelling around.
“LIKEWISE!” he called after me, as I stomped up the stairs to my dorm.
Ugh, ugh, UGH!
I wish the earth would swallow him.
~ * ~
The next morning, I woke up with an uncomfortable feeling. It was like something was stocked up – kind of stuffed – around my abdomen. I let out a deep grown, cursing my luck. Of course my period had to start today – even in my sleepy-state, I knew it was two weeks too early, but I didn’t question the many mysteries of being a damned woman.
My head was hurting even before I opened my eyes. I felt tired and unrested, even if I had slept a nice ten hours. It was probably because I had gone to bed angry, and the nightmares of me killing Sirius Black in his sleep didn’t help it.
It had made me so exhausted.
I rubbed my face, as I sat up. I had a weird feeling, as I blinked a few times, looking around.
Strange – when had Evans started to sleep in? Usually she was up before me on weekends, writing to her family. Luckily, we were all in the dorm people who woke up early, and respected each other’s privacy.
With a frown, I staggered out of bed, almost immediately flying on the floor. I rolled around, glaring at a huge trunk in the middle of the floor – over which I had stumbled.
Strange – since when had my trunk been there? I normally kept it under my bed, where it wouldn’t be in the way.
I immediately got suspicious; had someone gone through my trunk while I was sleeping?
Evans moaned in her sleep, and I looked at her with an amused expression; it sounded more like a rumble than a moan.
Groggily, I walked towards the bathroom, reaching for my toothbrush – but I never did, because when I looked in the mirror, I screamed as loud as I could.
Atleast I thought I screamed; the sound coming from my mouth sounded so deep and angry, so… so…
“WHO ARE YOU!?” I demanded from the man who stared right back at me with the same amount of shock and terror as I felt bubbling inside of me.
I blinked a few times – and so did the man. I realized slowly that it was “just” Sirius Black.
“Black,” I sighed, closing my eyes tightly. I slowly opened them again, now furious. He glared right back at me, which only made me more annoyed. “What are you—“
“Sirius?” came a voice, half-drowned by a yawn. I flicked my head around, and watched in horror as a half-naked James Potter appeared at the doorway.
Oh. My. God.
“Potter!” I gasped, covering my eyes. “Cover yourself up, please!”
“What’s wrong with you, man?” he said, swatting me playfully as he washed his face. “When have you ever become such a prude?”
I waited until I heard him leave the bathroom, before flinging myself forward, pressing ym face against the mirror.
Oh. My. God.
“I’m…” I stammered, touching my new face. “I’m Sirius Black?”
I also discovered what the odd pressure lower down had been about.
~ * ~
Merlin’s beard, I thought to myself. What exactly did I eat last night? It felt like a walrus baby was kicking around in my stomach!
I rolled around in the bed, sniffing my pillow. Odd – I was totally positive of the fact that I went to my own bed – and my bed most certainly did not smell cucumber and apples.
“Is she even alive?” a gentle voice whispered, and I pulled the covers over my head.
Don’t tell me I screwed some stupid bimbo senseless again.
That would explain the cucumber and apples odour, though. I mean, my pillow smelled… well, it smelled. But in a good way. A bad-ass way. A manly way! But, now when I think about it, all the girls I’ve been with usually sprayed their pillows with some sickly sweet perfume – thinking I would like it!
Who would ever like the smell that redefines “Sickly Sweet Death by Suffocation”?
With a jolt, I sprung off the bed, my head slightly spinning. I quickly eyed the surroundings, before straightening up.
“Ladies,” I greeted with a charming smile. Goodness me, what was wrong with my voice? It was so… so… high. I cleared my throat once, before bowing. “Excuse me…”
I passed Evans and McLaughlin – obviously my latest conquest – before grabbing the robes on the floor and making my grand escape.
It never bothered me to prance around half-naked – why would it bother me to show off my gorgeous bod? Besides, most of the guys always whooped when they saw me sneak down from the girls’ dorm…
I did wonder, however, why the stairs didn’t change as I ran down them – they always did that, no exceptions.
I didn’t complain, though. I suppose they’d already grown attached to me. In a way, this marked my greatest success as a Marauder; I had won over the stairs!
I entered the Common Room, and threw the dark robe casually over my shoulder, savouring the moment as I felt everyone’s eyes on me.
“Hullo,” I greeted them with a grin.
“Sweet Jesus,” I heard one of the younger students whisper, his eyes lingering down my body.
Okay, that was a bit creepy – but what can I say? I grow intense feelings in both genders!
“YOU!” I heard someone roar – someone who sounded awfully a lot like my ol’ man, Satan himself.
Then I knew I must’ve been dreaming; I watched, well, myself, storm towards…well, me. It was the strangest feeling, seeing your own marvellous self from another point of view. It was like looking through a clean window after always looking through a soddy one; I looked godlike!
Even if clothes were badly co-ordinated.
“Awesome,” I whispered, reaching out to touch my handsome face. “Is this—“
“Don’t touch me, you sleaze!” I saw myself growl, and slap the hand away.
Ooh, I liked this dream!
“What have you done to me!?” the dream me hissed, clutching himself protectively – it looked very strange. “And why are you prancing around in that!?” the person asked, the familiar eyes checking me out. “Cover yourself up…!”
I remained quiet, just admiring myself. I never even thought about what “that” meant. Only one thought crossed my mind, though.
“Is this the dream where I finally get to have sex with myself?”
Then the dream me punched me right in the face.
~ * ~
It was truly odd.
I had punched myself.
But it was totally called for. I mean, just to erase the trauma of prancing around in pink pyjamas with yellow Snitches on in front of innocent third year students, it had to be done.
But to watch myself lie unconscious in the Hospital Wing, and get dirty looks from, well, everyone, was truly odd. I had, afterall, hit a girl.
Who did that!?
Well, I did.
Except that I punched myself. I’m a teenage girl stuck in a teenage boy’s body.
Yeah, no-one would understand.
They would lock me in St Mungo’s for a very long time.
Forever sounded remotely close to the truth.
I watched the unconscious person stir, and I leaned a little closer. Carefully, I poked the person’s cheek. A few confused blinks laters, I stared into a pair of familiar, dark eyes.
“Holy shit,” a weak voice whispered, the dark eyes wide. “I’m still dreaming!”
I sighed, and leaned back. “Sadly, no, you’re not… unless this is some horrid nightmare we just happen to be sharing.”
Somehow, I could see a few similarities to Sirius in what had once been my own face; the annoyingly laid-back, obnoxious aura, and the way I watched a smirk unknowingly spread there as if it was impossible to prevent.
From here on, the person would most definitely be ‘he’, as in Sirius Black.
“What?” he said, sitting up. He hissed, and clutched his head.
“Careful,” I warned him, a little smug by his suffering. “You got a pretty bad hit…”
“You hit me,” he whispered in astonishment. “This is so surreal…”
“Tell me about it,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. “Look, Black… something happened.”
He blinked, looking confused. Was that the moronic expression I wore when I looked confused? Oh my God.
“What do you mean?”
Being totally loss at words, I grabbed the hand mirror from the table nearby, and shoved it in his face.
I watched the realization slowly lit up his – well, actually, my face.
“You’re me,” a weak voice said, as the black eyes looked up at me. “And I’m you!?”
“Hi Black,” I said sourly.
“L-Lang?” he said with the same weak voice, and I sighed with relief as I heard the tiniest resemblance of Sirius Black echo in the way he said my name.
“Yes,” I said shortly, letting him poke my face.
Well, his face, actually.
“You in there?” he asked carefully.
“Unfortunately, yes,” I said, waving his hand away.
With no warning, he started screaming like the fool he was. A high-pitched squeal cut the silence, echoing from the walls and all the way to the corridor. I covered my hears, reacting to his reaction; by screaming. Soon enough, the double-doors slammed open, and in barged a flock of people; in the very front was Joe – thank God! – and right behind him were the Marauders along with Madam Pomfrey and McGonagall.
“Thank God, Joe!” I called over the scream that had now died down, but was still ringing in my ears. “Could you—“
Before I could even finish my sentence, Joe had pulled his fist back, and punched me in the face.
It felt like my head had been punched off my body; I swayed a little, before I came crashing down, face first into the nightstand.
~ * ~
A/N: I hope it wasn’t too confusing. To help you all – and myself! – in the future, I’ll be referring to Sirius-in-Vanessa’s-body as Sirius, and Vanessa-in-Sirius’-body as Vanessa, capisce? So, no matter what they look like, they’re still Sirius and Vanessa… on the inside. Oh God, did I confuse you even more? xD
- Lily xxx