I always wonder if that statement is actually true. Is it better to not know? Is it better to stay up late at night, my eyes growing bloodshot as I stare at the shadows on my wall and wonder what could’ve been.
Things were left unsaid and our feelings were left unresolved and now I have nothing to stop the thoughts swirling through my head.
I wish I could forget you. I wish I could forget your sparkling emerald eyes and mussed up black hair and the way you would say my name in the dead of night: quickly and quietly, as if you were telling me a secret.
I wish you weren’t all I thought about.
But you know what I wish most?
I wish I didn’t know you.
I bumped into you today. It was awkward and unconfrontational and we forced smiles onto our faces and faked laughs as if everything was fine.
Everything wasn’t fine, in case you’re wondering.
Instead, everything is brick walls and closed doors and locked drawers.
We can’t even have a normal conversation anymore. It’s like everything has changed since that night in seventh year, when I finally held my breath and took the leap you didn’t want to hear.
“I love you.”
I told it to you and everything changed. Your eyes morphed into a darker green, one that reminded me of rotted food and dark forests and a million reasons we could be together but one reason—the most important reason— that we couldn’t.
You couldn’t love me, because you couldn’t love anyone and that was that.
I shouldn’t have expected anything more from you.
I still shouldn’t.
Sometimes, in the dead of night, when I should be laying in bed, about to fall asleep, I sit on my window sill, my feet dangling dangerously over the edge and I think of you.
I think about how much things have changed. I think about how much I loved you. I think about how much I still love you. I think about how much you hurt me.
While my thoughts of you swirl through my head I watch the sky. I watch it brim over in a rush of purples and blues, an explosion of color so beautiful and breathtaking, that I feel that it’s too good to be true.
(Sometimes, and don’t tell anyone this, do you hear? But sometimes I think that every beautiful thing in the world has a counterpart. When the sky is beautiful, a marriage falls apart. When a baby’s born, a loved one dies. And that’s just the way it is.)
The world can’t hold so many beautiful things at once, so it mars things, people.
And sometimes I think that’s what happened to us.
Maybe one day you can love me. Maybe one day you can tell me how you really feel. Maybe one day we cannot leave our words unsaid, and face them head on.
But until then, I will be stuck here, in a state of limbo between what was and what could’ve been.
And while my heart breaks and bleeds and opens itself up just to let itself get hurt, you will finally (finally) realize that everything can be okay.
You will realize the world can hold more than one good thing at a time, and that us being together doesn’t have to make something else bad happen in the world.
One day you will realize that things can be different.
I can only hope that that day comes.
A/N: So I'm awful. I should update one of my stories but I saw someone write and entry for this challenge and I just HAD to see if I could do it. I haven't read it over yet and I think I'm going to read it right after I post it to see if it's completely awful.
Anyways, the premise of this oneshot was to write something without backspace, changing, editing, or reading it. Just let my own thoughts flow and create a story somehow. I hope I did okay with it, and be easy on me.