Chapter 1 : The Lonely..
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2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed
He was gone again. He left before the early morning light, before I had a chance to say goodbye. I had had him back for a few glorious moments and then he disappeared, like an overnight storm that came and went, he too was gone. I had lost him once again. He came and went like the ebb and flow of the ocean. I had to grab onto him but I couldn’t. Every time I tried, he slipped away, like trying to grasp sand. The tighter you held it, the faster it escaped.
A few stolen moments was all I had now. A small kiss here, a light touch there, a smile to light up my heart, these memories shone like the warmth of summer in the dismal winter. Now, instead the warmth of him, I was filled with the iciness of loneliness.
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well
Curse him. Curse him for being the boy-who-lived, the one who was destined to save the world, the one who everyone else counted on. Curse him for having “responsibilities” and “obligations.” Curse him for being the only one who possessed the power to completely destroy the most evil force ever to walk this earth. Why couldn’t he have the opportunity to live and love like everyone else? Didn’t he deserve happiness too? And what about me? Didn’t I deserve to be with the one I loved? Why did he always have to leave me here, alone? Why was I always the one left behind? Why did he always have to protect me? Why did I always have to let him go?
Why was he the one that everyone depended on? I was the one who depended on him most and yet I was the one he most readily left in “safety.” I was strong, I was tough, and I could fight just the same as the rest of them. I wasn’t the fragile porcelain doll that needed to be kept in the box at all times. Why couldn’t he understand that I would gladly throw myself in front of Voldemort a thousand times than be here, alone, filled with this loneliness that could not be fought off?
Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
For the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep
And here I was again, alone, isolated from the rest of the world. No one understood me. No one understood my love for him. No one understood that he wasn’t a silly girl crush. Sure, the whole world “adored” and “loved” him but no one loved him like I did. No one knew every part of his being like I did. No one knew all the pain he really his inside his charming exterior. No one understood that he was my everything, my real reason for waking up in the morning and fighting through each and every day. No one understood how deep our affection for each other ran, that without him I was nothing.
With him gone, I was truly alone. Taking each and every breath without him was a test in itself. Day after day, I put on my tough exterior and pretended I was laughing and happy and enjoying life. I forced myself to joke with my brothers, to go out with friends, to enjoy school. It was all an act, a facade. No one knew how I inside I was filled loneliness.
Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...
I already missed him so much my insides were burning and aching, an unquenchable thirst that would subside only when he was back. I was dying for a chance to see his piercing green eyes, that could see to the depths of my soul with just one look. I longed for him to give me another one of his boyish smiles, smiling as if he hadn’t a care in the world even though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I wanted his soft touch, a gentle, caring touch that made my skin ignite. I wanted his lips pressed against mine, which sent lightning bolts racking throughout my body.
I wanted to hear him whisper my name. I wanted him to speak to me once again in his soothing voice that could calm me through the worst of storms. All I had now to hold on to were those few beautiful moments from the past. I would fight and hold on to those, I would not let the dark loneliness steal them away from me.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...
When would I see him again? Would I ever see him again? Was that night our last? Would he ever come back and sweep me off my feet so we could have the love I’d always dreamed of? I wanted to fall, I wanted to curl up in a small ball on the floor and rock myself and cry until I had no tears left to cry. I wanted to wail, I wanted to scream, I wanted to drown in my misery. I wanted to lock myself in my room and fill it with thoughts, memories and images of him. I wanted to shut the outside world out and wallow in my own pain until the day my love came back to me.
But I wouldn’t. I was stronger than that. I would push out this cold, empty demon inside me, the demon that was loneliness. I would battle it out and I would take myself back. I was his and only his, after all. I would fight for him just as he wanted me to. I would battle every demon that came my way, whether it be the ones that had seeped inside me or the ones surrounding me. I would fight for him and for those around me, just as he was. I would do my part to make his job easier. I would be someone he was proud of and someone he was proud to love. I would fight now and I wouldn’t stop until he was back, safe in my arms where he would stay for the rest of eternity. I loved him. And I knew he loved me, and just knowing that was enough for me. His love would carry me through it all.
A/N: Again, it would mean so much to me if you could leave me a little message telling me what you thought. Thanks so much for reading!
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