Chapter 3 : What Love Smells Like
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I yawned as I waited for Tia to come out of the Ravenclaw commonroom. I didn't sleep too well the night before, possibly because I was afraid if I fell asleep, Ginny would try to kill me. Finally Tia came out.
"Good morning." She said.
"Good morning, to you too." I said yawning again. We walked in silence as we walked to go meet Mia, we told her to be at this bench we picked out the night before ten minutes early, to ensure she'd be on time.
As we entered the hall where the bench was, we saw Mia sitting there, and she wasn't alone. She was snogging some guy I didn't recognize. Then again, this was practically my first day, so I don't recognize too many people. Tia and I exchanged looks and walked toward Mia and this unknown boy.
"Ahem!" I clear my throat. They break apart, the guy looking dazed and dizzy, Mia looking pleased.
"Oh, hey," Mia says casually like she wasn't just kissing some boy. "You guys are late."
"Yeah, sorry about that, but it seems you kept yourself entertained." I said looking at the guy.
"Yes, I did." Mia said smiling. Then she turned to the guy. "Thanks for keeping me company, Albert. My sisters are here now, so you can go."
"Actually, it's Allen, and you're welcome." The guy says getting up looking quite pleased with himself.
"Oh," Mia said looking unfazed about getting his name wrong. "Well, I'll see you around."
"Bye." Allen walked away. I had a feeling he would tell everyone that he kissed Mia.
"What was that?" Tia asked.
"You were late, and I was bored. Then Albert came along and asked if I wanted any company, he was cute, so I sad yes." Mia explained nonchalantly.
"His name is Allen," Tia said, "and that doesn't explain why you were kissing him."
"Okay, for one, I could have sworn he said his name was Albert when he first came. And second of all, he wasn't that great to talk to so I thought maybe he'd be better at kissing. He was."
"Mia!" I excliamed, "This is your first day here, and you're already snogging guys! What about Mason?!" I immediately wish hadn't brought Mason up. When I did, I saw something flash in Mia's eyes that I'd never seen before. But she quickly brushed it off.
"What about Mason?" She said. "He knows how I am and that I'm gonna see other guys. He's gonna see other people too."
We all stay silent, because deep down we know Mason loved Mia and most likely would not see anyone else. He'd probably wait for her.
"Anyways, shall we get on with the meeting?" Tia said quietly.
"Yeah, okay." I said, "Um, let's see, uniforms?"
"Ugh, hate them!" Mia exclaimed.
"Mia, are you even wearing the uniform?" Tia asked.
"Of course, I am," Mia said sounding offended. She stood up. "I just made a few modifications." She twirled around to show us.
The skirt that was supposed to go to our knees went down, just enough to cover Mia's bum. The white button up shirt was also modified. She had the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, the first three buttons unbuttoned, and it showed her pierced bellybutton. And her socks were thigh high.
"Mia! What have you done?!" I exclaimed.
"Oh, it's not that bad." Mia said sitting back down. "The uniform as it was just wasn't gonna work for me, it was too damn constricting. How was I supposed to walk with such a long skirt on?"
"How did you even modify it?" Tia asked curiously.
"The good old Severing Charm." Mia answered.
"But it doesn't look all severed." I said.
"Yeah, I know, but I'm very good at it."
I shook my head, "Whatever, let's continue with the meeting. Mia, your turn."
"Oooh, um okay, roommates?" She asked smiling.
"I'll go first." Tia said. "Um, my roommates are pretty nice, I already made some friends."
"Names, please." I said smiling. It was always so hard for Tia to make friends because she's so shy. So it's really good that she's made friends.
"Padma Patil, and Cho Chang, they're really nice." Tia said.
"Oooh, can I meet them?" Mia asked.
"Sure," Tia smiled.
"All right, Mia, your turn, how are your roommates?" I said.
"I like them, especially, this one girl, Pansy Parkinson. She's got all the dirty details on Draco Malfoy." Mia said smiling slyly.
Tia and I sigh and roll our eyes.
"What?" Mia asked. "Seriously, Pansy knows everything about Draco for the past five years!"
"That's kind of a long time." Tia said.
"Yeah, she's been going to school with him for five years. And stalking him."
"Wait, stalking? She told you she was stalking him?" I asked, shocked.
"Well of course not," Mia said in an obvious tone. "No one is gonna tell someone else that they've been stalking someone. I just know she has, because some of her stories didn't sound like she was actually there, more like she was watching him. But whatever, I'm not judging."
"Only because she's useful to you." I accused.
"Damn right she is!" Mia exclaimed. "She is gonna give me the key to making Draco Malfoy fall for me."
"Uh, Mia, Malfoy has already fallen for you," I said, "He was about ready to ask you to marry him yesterday, and he had just met you. Believe me, you will have no problem making him fall for you."
Mia smiled appreciatively, "Oh, Lia, you're so sweet. Thanks."
I shrugged, "You're welcome."
"So, Lia, how are your roommates?" Tia asked.
"Oh, there, um, good." I lied. I wasn't exactly pleased with my roommates.
"You are such a liar, now tell us the truth." Mia said.
"Fine," I said sighing. "One of my roommates is Ginny."
"You're fucking kidding me!" Mia exclaimed.
"But aren't you put with people who are in the same year as you? She's a year younger, isn't she?" Tia asked.
"Yeah, but it turns out for the past three years she's switched with some girl so she can sleep in the same dorm as Hermione." I explained.
"That's so horrible for you." Tia said.
"Yeah, it is, but at least Hermione seems to like me." I said weakly.
"Well there you go," Mia said, "At least she won't try to kill you when Hermione is there."
"Mia, that's not funny." Tia scolded her.
"I wasn't joking." Mia shrugged. "Lia, if you're going to keep crushing on Mr. Potter, you need to watch out for Ginny, she's a total bitch."
"Mia!" Tia exclaimed.
"What?" Mia asked, "Did you not see the way she was glaring at Lia last night? I'm serious, the girl is a bitch, I would know."
"Maybe you're right." I said to Mia.
"Well, of course I am." She said.
"I just wish she didn't hate me." I said sighing.
"Well, you can't fully blame her," Tia said reasonably, "You do like her boyfriend."
"Yeah, but it's not like Lia is trying to steal him away or anything," Mia countered. "Then Ginny would have a perfect excuse to be a bitch. But honestly, Lia just met the guy, Ginny needs to chill."
"Mia, stop saying that word!" Tia scolded. Mia made a face at her. "Very mature, how are you the oldest?" Tia asked
"And it's not like I want to like him, it just kind of happened." I said, trying to get them back on topic.
"Are we suddenly on the subject of guys?" Tia asked.
"Yes." Mia and I said together.
"What should I do?" I asked looking at Mia, since she knew how to deal with boy troubles.
"Well, first of all, get to know Harry." She advised. "You won't know if you really like him until you actually know him. Second of all, if he likes you too, do not, I repeat, do not hook up with him while he's with Ginny. You'll come off as a total slut, and if he cheats on Ginny, then there's no way he won't cheat on you. Besides, if he really likes you, he'll break up with her, you know?"
I nodded, "Yeah, I get that. That makes sense, thanks"
"No problem." Mia shrugged.
"Um, Mia?" Tia asked quietly, "Do you think you could give me some advice on Ron?"
Mia looked shocked. "You're asking me for advice?!"
"Yes, you know alot about boys, and I've never liked a guy before."
Mia smiled, "Okay then. Um, just like Lia, you need to get to know him better, figure out if you actually like him. And well, if he likes you back, then I believe you'll have yourself your first boyfriend."
"You really think so?" Tia asked, a small smile on her face.
"Any time." Mia shrugged. "And now that we've talked about your guys, time to talk about mine."
Tia and I exchanged looks. "Um, Mia," I said, "Maybe you shouldn't be with Malfoy."
Mia rolled her eyes, "And why not?" She asked.
"Because I've heard some really bad things about him from Hermione. He's really mean."
"Yeah, and I'm sure it was really nice of Hermione to punch Draco in the face during their third year."
"She punched him?" I asked shocked.
"Yep," Mia said, "I told you, Pansy has all the details."
"That's beside the point, honestly." I said thinking of what else to say to convince her to stay away from Malfoy.
"And what is the point?" Mia asked in a bored voice.
"That Malfoy is horrible?" Tia said.
"No, he's not, you don't even know him." Mia said calmly.
"Look,Mia," I said. "You don't want to be with Malfoy."
"Why not?" Mia challenged.
"Because," I said preparing for my long speech. "He takes pleasure in other people's pain, he does crazy stuff just for laughs, he beats up people, he's horribly sarcastic, he dates multiple girls at the same time, and-oh my goodness, he's just like you!" I suddenly came to the realization of it.
"Malfoy is the male version of you, Mia." Tia said also coming to the realization of it.
"Great, then we're perfect for eachther." Mia said smiling.
"You mean you're only going to see him?" I asked hopefully.
"Of course not!" Mia said sounding scandalized. "I meant we're perfect to be together, while we see other people."
"Of course." Tia said.
I noticed people were up and walking around. "We should go to breakfast." I said.
"Yeah, we should." Tia agreed getting up.
"I'm starving!" Mia exclaimed.
"Surprise, surprise." I muttered as we walked into the Great Hall, arm in arm.
I watched as my sisters went to sit down at their tables. Lia sat down next to Hermione, across from Harry who smiled at her, with Ginny glaring at her.
And Mia, who before sitting down, waved to Allen and a group of Slytherin boys who were waving at her. I swear, guys get completely starstuck when they see her.
Malfoy doesn't look happy about the waving boys, but he smiled as Mia sat down next to him. They said good morning to eachother quite flirtasiously, and then Malfoy leaned close to her and whispered something in her ear, making the guys glare and Mia blush. I had never seen Mia blush for real before. I guess she really does like Malfoy.
When Malfoy pulls away Mia nods smiling. I wish Ron would do something like that to me. I look over at him and surprisingly, he's looking at me. He smiled and waved, I waved back, pretty sure I was blushing. He gestured for me to come over, so I get up and walk over to the Gryffindor table.
"Hey," Ron says smiling.
"Hi," I said returning the smile.
Then there's silence. "Um, so you got into Ravenclaw. Congradulations, you must be really smart." Ron said.
"Thanks, you know." I said. Oh, that sounded really clever, Tia, I thought. He's definitly impressed now! "Um, I'm going to get back to my table," I said before I could further embarass myself.
"Oh, okay, see you later."
I turned to walk away and ran into someone, I immediately realize it's the creepy guy who was staring at me the night before.
"Hello, there." He says sly smile.
"I have to go." I whispered, as I hurried back to my table. Well I dodged a bullet there. I look up to see him staring at me. That guy is creepy! Doesn't he have anything better to stare at? Like a book, or his plate, or someone who's not me?
I avoid eye contact with him and start eating, I look up and down the table, but I don't see Padma or Cho anywhere. I sigh sadly as I look at my sisters, who are laughing along with their friends. Why did I have to be so shy?
My thoughts are interupted when I hear a sqeaky voice. "Good morning Ms. Rosaria. Nice to have you in Ravenclaw, I am Professor Flitwick, your head of house."
I looked around, not seeing anyone behind me, or next to me on either side. I shook my head, I must be losing it!
"Um, Ms. Rosaria," the sqeaky voice said. Where was it coming from?! "Ms. Rosaria, down here." So I looked down and saw a tiny little man.
"Oh!" I said shocked. "Um, good morning, Professor, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there."
"It's quite all right, common mistake," he assured me. "I'd just like to give you your schedule. I have over looked your grades from you previous school, and I must say, I am impressed."
"Thank you, sir." I said.
"I've also looked over your career choice, and, I've decided which NEWT classes you will take."
"And what classes would they be, sir?" I asked curiously.
"Well, Potions, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration, Herbology, Charms, and Arithmacy. How do those sound?" He asked smiling.
"Perfect." I said smiling back, "Thank you, Professor."
He nodded and moved along the table, as I looked down at my schedule. First, I had Potions, I couldn't help but wonder if Ron would be there. Even of he wasn't, hopefully I had my sisters. Then I had Defense against the Dark Arts.
Then I had lunch, then a free period, which I looked foward to for some reading time. After that, I had Herbology and Transfiguation. The next day, instead of Herbology and Transfiguration, I would have Charms and Arithmacy. I would alternate those four classes.
Again, I looked at my sisters. Mia was comparing her schedule with Malfoy's and looking rather pleased about something. Lia was talking her schedule over with Hermione, and occasionally glancing at Harry.
I walked to Potions with Padma, who was excitedly telling me we had class with her twin sister, Parvati. She couldn't wait for me to meet Parvati, and she couldn't wait to meet Lia and Mia.
When we got to the classroom, we saw what looked like all the class waiting outside. I easily spotted Lia, she was standing with Hermione, and looking around anxiously. I knew she was looking for Harry, but he was nowhere in sight, nor was Ron.
I sighed in disappointment as I looked around for Mia, but I couldn't find her. I told Padma I'd be right back and went over to Lia.
"Hey," I said, "where's Mia?"
"Back there," Lia gestured shaking her head.
Mia was at the back of the group, leaning casually against the wall, with Malfoy standing infront of her, with his hand on the wall behind Mia, practically leaning on her. For a moment I thought they were kissing, because of how close their faces were, but I realized they were just talking. Malfoy was playing with Mia's curly hair, wrapping is around his fingers.
"Your sister, she's interested in Malfoy, isn't she?" Hermione asked watching them too. Lia and I nodded, it's not like Mia's trying to hide it or anything.
"Did you tell her what I told you? Did you tell her what he's like?" Hermione asked.
"Yes," Lia answered, "but Mia's what we like to call stubborn, and she doesn't care what we say. If she likes him, she likes him, there's no changing her mind."
Before Hermione could answer, the door the classroom opened and we entered. I went to sit with Padma and the rest of the Ravnclaws, there were only three others. Lia sat down next to Hermione, and Mia sat at the back in between Malfoy, and a girl whom I assumed was Pansy.
I realized our teacher was Professor Slughorn, from the train. He smiled at all who were in his compartment the day before. I looked around, I recognized only the creepy guy who couldn't stop staring at me, and a boy in Slytherin, whom Mia was talking to on the train.
Professor Slughorn started talking immediately, "Welcome to NEWT Potions." He said smiling, "Now before we begin, I would like to show you a few potions. Can anyone tell me what Potion this one is?" He motioned to the potion near the Slytherin table. It looked like plain water boiling.
Both mine and Hermione's hand shot up. He nodded to me. "That's Veritaserum," I said, "it forces the drinker to tell the truth."
"Very good, Tia." Slughorn said smiling. I couldn't help but smile.
"And can someone tell me what this one is?" Slughorn asked pointing to the potion closest to my table.
Again, Hermione's hand shot up, but I kept my hand down. I knew what is was, but I decided to let her answer. "It's Polyjuice Potion, sir!" She said excitedly.
"That is correct, Miss-?"
Before Slughorn could say anything, the door opened, I turned around to see Harry and Ron. I felt a smile come across my face. I looked at Lia, she was smiling too.
"Harry, there you are, I was wondering if you got lost. And you brought a friend, I see, you are?"
"Ron Weasley, sir," Ron answered, "I'm dead awful at Potions, a nuisance, really-"
"Oh, nonsense, any friend of Harry's is a friend of mine." Slughorn said waving his large hand.
Both Harry and Ron went and took their seats at the table Lia and Hermione were sitting at. As Ron sat down he smiled at me, I smiled back. Maybe he did like me and didn't think, I was some weird freak.
"Now, who knows which potion this is?" Slughorn asked referring to the potion closest to Ron's table.
I raised my hand quickly, determined to show Ron I was smart. "It's Amortentia, sir." I said.
"I assume you know what it does?"
"It's the most powerful love potion in the world." I answered, "It's rumored to smell different to everyone, depending on what attracts them, for example, I smell fresh roses and and old parchment and-and pears." I cleared my throat, slightly embarassed.
"It really does smell different to everyone?" Mia asked.
"Yes, my dear." Slughorn answered, "Why don't you come up and tell us what you smell? I'd like to see how it differs from your sister."
"All right." Mia said getting up and flouncing up to the front. "Um, I smell fresh leather and strawberries and cinnamon." Mia said, a dizzy smile on her face.
"Very well, would you like to try too, Lia?" Slughorn asked.
Lia looked shocked, "Uh, sure why not?" She didn't have to get up, she just sniffed, "I smell peppermint and rain and herbal tea."
"Ah, very well ladies, let's see, 10 points to each of you."
"Nice," Padma whispered in my ear. I smiled at her.
"Sir?" Mia said, "What potion is that? The pretty gold one?"
Slughorn smiled, "That, ladies and gentleman is Felix Felicis,also known as-"
"Liquid Luck!" Hermione and I said at the same time.
"Yes." He said, "Desperately tricky to make and disastrous to get wrong. However, when brewed correctly, you will find that all your endeavors succeed. This what I offer to whomever brews the best Draught of Living Death by the end of the hour. You will find the directions on page ten of your books. You may begin."
Everyone scrambled to get their books open. I wanted to win that bottle of Liquid Luck, it might be the only way I'd have a chance with Ron.
I'll be honest, I wanted to win that bottle of Liquid Luck. It would definitely ensure that Draco would fall for me. I don't know why I was so keen on Draco liking me, normally, I wouldn't be all worked up over some guy liking me, but I guess that was the thing; Draco wasn't just some guy.
There was something different about him, I know my sisters don't see it, but I do. Guys like Draco don't come around very often, so I had to take my chance, while I had it.
Listen to me, I sound like some love struck girl from some romance novel that Tia would read. Which is insane, because I don't believe in love. There, I said it, and I'll say it again, I don't believe in love.
Love is just some stupid excuse for people to act like idiots and become obsessed with people they think they know. And then you know what happens? The person they "love" so much betrays them, and they're depressed for the rest of their lives. I don't want to deal with that, thank you.
But I will admit, there was a time I did believe in love. When I was younger, I saw my my mother and father together, they were so happy and I thought now they are in love. I could tell they loved eachother, just from how they would look at one another, I used to dream of getting married and having a love like my parents'.
That was before my father left without so much as a goodbye. One morning he was just gone. I still remember the tears in my mother's eyes as she told us he was gone and not coming back, she tried not to show us how hurt she was, but I could see it, she was dying inside.
After that, I lost my belief in love. I mean, if my father really loved my mother, really loved us, he would have never left. I promised myself I would never fall in love with anyone or anything. I decided I'd rather be lonely than to fall in love, get betrayed,and then be miserable for the rest of my life.
I saw the way my mother was, and I swore I wouldn't end up like that, there was no way I was doing that to myself.
Which is why I am the way I am. It's the reason I don't have serious relationships. The way I see it, is you get in a relationship, then you get attatched, then you think you're in love, and then bam the relationship is over and you're broken hearted. Who the hell wants to deal with that?!
But I will say I believe in lust though. Oh, yeah, that shit is real, sometimes, I think people confuse lust for love. They don't realize there's a difference, for one, lust actually exists. Two, you can't get hurt when you're in lust, if anything, you're a little disappointed, but never miserable for the rest of your life.
So, while people believe in "love at first sight" I believe in lust at first sight. Which brings us back to me wanting the Liquid Luck. I didn't win, Harry did. Lia looked so proud of him, and was beaming happily. You would think she'd be the tiniest bit upset over not winning, but she wasn't. Tia, on the other hand looked a bit upset, but tried to hide it.
Draco seemed a bit put out about not winning too. As we walked to Defense Against the Dark Arts, I put my hand on his shoulder and asked, "Are you okay?"
He smiled, looking down at my hand, "Yeah, I just would have liked to win the Felix Felicis."
"Need a bit of luck, do you?" I asked moving my hand from his shoulder, and running it through my hair.
"Yeah. But I don't need it to get what I want at the moment." He said smirking slightly.
"And what is it that you want at the moment?"
"The gorgeous girl I'm talking to right now." He said winking at me as he sped up a bit to talk to his friend Blaise Zabini.
I knew I was blushing. I turned to Pansy, "Did you hear that?" I asked quietly.
"Yes! He really likes you!" Pansy exclaimed.
"You really think so?" I asked smiling.
"Oh, yeah, definitely. I've never seen him act like that with anyone before, he's into you. What did he whisper this morning when you sat down?"
"He told me about how we have free periods, and he asked if I wanted to hang out during ours" I said smiling exictedly.
"Really?! You said yes, right?" Pansy asked excitedly.
"Of course I did!" I exclaimed.
We whispered about Draco all the way to class. Defense Against the Dark Arts was really boring. And the teacher, Professor Snape, definitly looked like he could wash his hair more often. It was all greasy and gross, it made me shudder. But, according to Pansy and Draco, he was the best teacher at the school.
After the horrid lesson was over, it was time for lunch, and after lunch was break.
"What do you want to do?" Draco asked me.
"I don't know. What is there to do?" I asked.
"We could go to the Black Lake, it's nice there." He suggested.
"Sure, I love lakes." I said. I mentally slapped myself on the forehead, how dumb did that sound? Who says they like lakes?!
"Great," Draco said looking at me weird, "Let's go then." He held out his hand, I smiled and grabbed it. He led me out to the grounds, and all the way down to the lake.
"Wow, this is nice." I said smiling, "And it's actually black." Again, I mentally slapped myself on the forehead. Why did I sound so dumb around him?!
He chuckled, "Yeah, it is black. And there's a giant squid in there."
"Seriously?" I asked.
"Oh, yeah," Draco answered in all seriousness, "It comes out alot in the spring time."
"Cool," I said nodding. Then there was silence. I thought about what I could say, but nothing came to me. We just looked everywhere but at eachother. I wouldn't have even known he was still there had we not been holding hands.
"So,how do you like school so far?" Draco asked breaking the silence.
"Um, it's not so bad, I wish the classes were more interesting, but, what can I do?"
"Yeah, tell me about it." He said nodding, "I'd pitch myself off the Astronomy Tower if I thought I had to continue for two more years."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Nothing," Draco said quickly. He suddenly became nervous, and he let go of my hand.
"Are you okay?" I asked, "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, no!" Draco exclaimed, "You did nothing wrong, it's me, I'm sorry. I just-uh nevermind. Just nevermind."
I wasn't sure how to respond. So there was more silence, this was not at all how I imagined it would be. It was so easy to flirt and talk when other people were around, but right now it was so difficult.
Draco suddenly chuckled.
"What?" I asked looking at him.
"This is really akward, isn't it?" He asked smiling.
"Completely." I answered, laughing a little.
"Sorry." He said.
"It's okay, I'm sure I contributed some akwardness with my stupid comments."
"They weren't stupid, they were…interesting." Draco said slowly,clearly choosing his words carefully.
I raised my eyebrows at him. "All right, fine, they were a little stupid, but really cute, too."
I smiled, "Thanks, I think." As we looked at eachother, I had the sudden urge to kiss him, but I was too scared. I wasn't sure if he'd kiss back, or push me away and ask what the hell is wrong with me.
Draco took a step towards me, we were mere inches apart, which scared me and excited me all at the same time. He smiled as he brushed a strand of hair away from my face. I was quickly becoming breathless, this had never happened before, what is this?
"You want to do something fun?" He whispered.
"Yeah," I said nodding my head vigorously.
He leaned down, or maybe I leaned up, whatever the case was, we were about to kiss. Excitement filled my body, this was the fastest I had ever gotten someone to kiss me, or so I thought.
"Hey, Mia!" A voice yelled.
What the fuck?! You've got to be kidding me! I had Draco right where I wanted him, and I get interupted. Figures. I turned around to see Albert, or Allen, or whatever the hell his name is coming towards us, with a group of Slytherin boys.
I sighed, "Hey, Alber-I mean Allen."
He smiled at me. "Hey, Malfoy." Allen said to Draco.
"Blake." Draco said nodding, looking annoyed.
"What are you two doing?" Allen asked.
"Hanging out." I said. Though, we could have been kissing, had he not ruined it.
"Cool, mind if we hang out here too?"
Yes. "No of course not."
Allen went back to his friends,and they started talking loudly. Draco and I remained silent.
"You wanna get out of here?" Draco asked.
"Please." I said. Draco took my hand and we walked away without saying anything to anyone.
After free period is over, Draco walks me to my Astronomy class. Unfortunately, he doesn't have class with me.
"Thanks for walking me to class." I said.
"No problem." Draco said smiling. "I, uh, should get to class."
"Yeah, you don't want to be late." Honestly, I could care less if he was late, but it seemed like the right thing to say.
"Yeah," he said before bringing my hand up and kissing it. "I'll see you later." He started walking away.
"Yeah, okay, stalk you later." I said.
"What was that?" Draco turned around looking amused.
Yet again, another mental slap on the forehead. "Uh, I said talk to you later." I know, that was a weak cover up, but it was all I could think of.
"Right." He said smirking, and turning around.
As he walked away, I slapped myself on the forehead, and not mentally, either.
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