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Chapter 2 : Chapter 2 - The Essence of an Evil Plan
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Chapter 2 - The Essence of an Evil Plan
My oh my, progressed to the next chapter have we? Why aren't you a clever bunch of little evil geniuses! I am satisfied with your progress young ones, I applaud you.
But of course! You want to hear more about me dont you? People say patience is a virtue, but I offer my sincerest apologies for depriving you of my wonderful presence for so long; I honestly don't know how you survived.
Today I am going to teach you about evil planning, an aspect at which all evil geniuses thrive. To achieve true evil geniusness, you must have the ability to construct a well thought out and complex evil plan, often under pressure and/or a time limit. You must ensure you are well equipped and that even the most intricate of details shall run smoothly.
Any type of well-formulated, sucessful plan will do wondrous things for your reputation, young ones, and our motto here at Lysander Scamander's Association for Budding Evil Geniuses is that absolutely no plan whatsoever can be too elaborate. Remember though, to keep it real. Kidnapping the Minister for Magic's favourite pet snorkacks and training them to eat his face off in the dead of night? Wonderful. Making a galaxy traversing rocketship with enough fuel to get you to Mars, so you can venture to Pigfarts and disturb Rumbleroar's slumbering cubs? Perfect. Splitting your soul into 8 pieces and hiding them in historically important inanimate objects/living things in an attempt at immortality with a goal to rid the world of all muggleborns, therefore almost everyone in sight, gaining no trust or sympathy from any remaining beings, resulting in a large number of epic failures when battling an unqualified teenage wizard? Too far. Much too far. And that, my friends, is why Voldemort ended up as such a fail.
The first step we must take is to define your morals and reasoning for the evil plan. To organise and structure your mind is a necessary action we must take, and knowing why exactly this evil plan is taking place will prove to be immensely helpful. Just one piece of advice: before you start producing random evil plans for no particular reason whatsoever, you must build up a reputation, or some may think you are rather strange. For example, if Lorcan, my brother, started going around Hogwarts and acting evilly, a likely reaction would be along the lines of:
"Why in the name of Merlin is Lorcan being all randomly evil all of a sudden? I don't want Hogwarts to have a creepy spontaneous evil dude prancing around. This sucks royal hippogriff!"
If I, however, decided to just evilly inflict pain upon people for the fun of it (which occurs frequently), people would just be like:
"Look! There's the totally awesome Lysander Scamander being amazingly evil again! Yay! Don't you think he is just so supermegafoxyawesomehot?"
See the difference, young ones?
For the evil plan I shall carry out later, the morals are simple: to instruct and assist those less gifted than I.
Next on the agenda is selecting a victim. This act of singing out an individual can take much thought and effort, due to the outcome often having great effect upon the both the finer details of the plan, and the general outcome. To ensure greatness is achieved, these victims must be important enough to affect as many people as possible, and also must be stupid enough to fall for whatever trick you may play upon them. It may seem a little surprising, but there are plenty of people like this in the ministry. Despite this being a general rule for evil geniuses, for the purposes of this demonstration, our victim will be highly insignificant, and rather dim. Cathy Wolf.
I make it a priority to know the names, identities, and personal information of every person at Hogwarts. Not the really secret things (although I could easily find them out), I don't want people be under the impression that Lysander Scamander, the most brilliant sutdent ever to grace the halls of Hogwarts, is some sort of demented stalker. Anyway, this makes it easy to figure out who is in dire need of an evil act upon them, and gives me a greater idea of what might bother them the most.
Cathy Wolf is a Hufflepuff, and a bit of a loner: the only friend she has is Mea Higgs - who everybody knows is in love with me. Being a true Hufflepuff (or so she says, it is one of my many goals in life to find out the real meaning of a true Hufflepuff), Cathy loves her friend very much, and would do anything for her. Therefore, if I can gain control over Mea, Cathy will have made herself an even easier target. What fun!
Upon the Hogwarts noticeboard:
STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS, AN INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT MATTER MUST BE BROUGHT TO YOUR ATTENTION:
I, LYSANDER SCAMANDER, AM IN GREAT NEED OF AN EVIL ASSISTANT!
THIS ASSISTANT WILL BE REQUIRED TO:
- NOT INTERFERE WITH ANY EVIL PLANNING LYSANDER WISHES TO REMAIN SECRET
- MAKE EXCEPTIONAL HOT CHOCOLATE
- TAPE WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE FOR ME - WITHOUT FAIL
- BE TOTALLY AWESOME
SIGN UP BELOW TO BE CONSIDERED
I got many responses: the Goyle sisters, Jeremy Corner, some freak named Amington, Kreaky the house elf, but none of the entries really appealed to me. The only reason I wanted an evil assistant was so I could select Mea, and then the entire of Hufflepuff house will be under my command, so I can discover what the hell a Hufflepuff is. I wanted to select Mea because I was sure she would apply: she is allegedly in love with me, after all. Unfortunately for Mea, I only have eyes for Rose, even if she is going out with Malfoy. But I still didn't count on the fact that Mea, a mere Hufflepuff, would reject me like that.
Overwhelmed with depression, I retreated to my lousy Ravenclaw dormitory. Oh what a hard life it is for an evil genius.
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