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Laugh it Off by ValFish
Chapter 15 : Troll Level
 
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 4


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gorgeous and amazing chapter image by callisto @ TDA.


 Chapter 15: Troll Level

            Let me tell you something about my life right now.





            It’s gone past downhill, off the tracks, in the toilet and straight into ‘I’m completely fucked’-ville.



 

            Population: me.




 

            Basically if you took a whole truck filled with shit and dumped it over my mood it would probably improve.




 

    



 

        It’s ridiculous.




 

            First off, I’ve had detention for three nights in a row because I haven’t been completing my essay assignments. Not that I don’t love scrubbing trophies, but let’s be honest here, we don’t need to polish “Qudditch co-captain of 1912” seventy times, do we?




 

            Then there’s the issue of my Potions grade. It’s at the troll level and exams are coming up. Which means if I don’t get an O on my exam, I’ll turn into Frank Longbottom.




 

            Oh and did I mention Marlene McKinnon is knocked up?




 

            Sirius told me. Well, actually he told James, but I was around the corner.




 

            Who’s counting?




 

            And besides, he told me about it (kind of) two days later, so no one has to know.




 

            So that means I’m going to be officially Sirius-less forever. Because he’ll have a kid with Marlene.




 

            On the bright side, this means that Mar-mar can’t call me chubby anymore. Although there’s still Troll-Head, Lightning Lestrade and my personal favourtie, ‘the idiot who didn’t listen to directions’. Original, right?




 

            I’m going to try not being a bitch about this and focus on my other options. Because I don’t want to die alone. I know that sounds sudden and a little bit far in the future, but honestly, after last month I’m not so sure. I mean, I’m not tomato red anymore and my hair grew out to the point where I could put in some extensions if I wanted (so I could put my bloody hair up) but I haven’t forgotten.




 

            I’ve also been thinking about Remus way too often for my own good. I miss him sometimes. But he doesn’t like me, and after our little romantic escapade, I’m done. So no Sirius, no Remus, absolutely no Peter and dating James would be like dating my brother. There aren’t a lot of guys on my radar, clearly.




 

            It didn’t help that Alice has decided that she doesn’t need to hang out with me anymore and in fact, Frank is more fun.




 

            So that’s when I went to James again for advice. That’s generally an oxymoron, but James is the definition of it. Minus the ‘oxy’ part.




 

            I found him half-asleep on the common room couch with a potions book.




 

            “Elsa, darling! Still sporting a troll- er, I mean stylish pixie cut that really compliments the, er-“




 

            “Shut it, will you?” I said, sitting in the armchair. “I’ve come for advice.”




 

            “Ah, concerning the matter of Padfoot, then. Unfortunately, love, I’ve got none to give. I’m still as shocked as you are.”




 

            I frowned. “Will you at least tell me where Lily is, then?”




 

            James smirked. “In the library, third table from the front, second to the left.”




 

            “You’re incredible creepy, you know that, right?”




 

            “I prefer ‘interested’.”




 

            “Whatever, James.”




 

 




 

            “Miss DeLestrade, may I speak to you after class, please?”




 

            McGonagall never asks me to stay after class. Which is why my heart started pounding and I could feel the blood rushing to my head.




 

            “Sure.”




 

            I sat in my seat next to Remus, who was looking like shit today.




 

            “You wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, love?” I asked.




 

            Remus smiled. “I hate to be picky here, but my bed is against the wall. If I woke up on the wrong side of the bed my face would be smashed in.”




 

            “Touche.”




 

            “Thought so.”




 

            I dug my Transfiguration book out of my bag, which, looking at it, could use either a wash or a replacement. It was burnt orange when I bought it, but it was a brown color now. Although, being late March, it would be a little pointless to buy a new schoolbag. It was already halfway through the second semester. I was pretty grateful for that.




 

            “Today we will be discussing why Human Transfiguration is frowned upon in most wizarding circles. Recall that you had an essay months ago on the subject, so I expect a thorough explanation in this worksheet I will be handing out to you and your seat partner. This assignment is due at the end of class. In addition…”




 

            Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Does she ever take her hair out of that stupid bun? Or does it just stay like that all the time? I bet she sleeps in that thing. And the hat! What’s with the hat? This is not the middle ages, I’m sure she could have gotten something a bit more suitable…




 

            “Miss DeLestrade, can you tell the class what the second half of our assignment was?”




 

            I probably looked like I was about to be run over.




 

            “Yeah. I mean, of course. Professor. Of course, professor.”




 

            I looked at Remus helplessly. He slid over a piece of parchment.




 

            “Yeah, er, we will be antaloping the reasons in a Venn diagram at the end of class.”




 

            “Antaloping, Miss DeLestrade?”




 

            “Shit, er, I mean, sorry. We will be analyzing them,” I said, partially through gritted teeth. “My mistake, Professor.”




 

            “Very well. You may begin.”




 

            I turned to Remus, who had a sly expression on his face.            




 

            “Your bloody writing looks like goblin shit on a page. I couldn’t read a blasted word.”




 

            Remus sighed. “You know, if you only paid attention, we wouldn’t have to go through this as often.”




 

            “What do you mean, as often?”




 

            “I mean you drift off in class a lot. How are you planning on passing sixth year, exactly?”




 

            “So I’m a little distracted-“




 

            “Elsa.”




 

            “-it doesn’t mean I’m not trying-“




 

            “Elsa.”




 

            “-cause I am really actually trying-“




 

            “Elsa.”




 

            “Fine. You win,” I huffed, slinking back down in my chair. “I need a tutor, or something.”




 

            A lightbulb went off in my head.




 

            “I’ve got it! You can tutor me.”




 

            Remus frowned. “No.”




 

            “Why not? You’re good at everything.”




 

            McGonagall tossed the worksheet on to our desk. I read the first question. When I say ‘read’, I meant ‘scan and hand to Remus’.




 

            “Please?”




 

            The look he was giving me said it all.




 

            “Monday?”




 

            “Monday.”




 

 




 

            “Miss DeLestrade, please have a seat.”




 

            I sat down in the chair across from McGonagall’s desk and folded my hands in my lap like a was a good student.




 

            “Can I ask what this is about, Professor?” I asked timidly.




 

            McGonagall sighed. “Your going to fail my class if you don’t start paying attention.”




 

            Well that was blunt.




 

            “What are you talking about, Professor? I’m passing this class just fine.”




 

            Just talk your way out of this Elsa, just talk your way out of this.




 

            “Miss DeLestrade, I cannot give you credit for assignments that Mr. Lupin completes for you.”




 

            I tried my best to look taken aback. “Complete for me? Why, Professor! Remus and I are a team! Partners! The other half of the puzzle! How on earth would he be able to complete our assignments without me? That would be cruel.”




 

            “While I find your acting skills rather amusing, Miss DeLestrade, I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a detention for your grades. You and the Prewett brothers will be scrubbing the floor of the Great Hall tonight after dinner.”




 

            I paled considerably. “No, not those two! Professor, I’d honestly rather write lines, or polish trophies or scrub the toilets-!”




 

            McGonagall put a bony hand up. “Off to class, Elsa.”




 

            I gathered up my bag and left out the door and was nearly to charms when I heard my name (partially).




 

            “Why hello, Lestrade.”




 

            I turned around to face the two people I did not want to see. The Prewett twins. Now, most people have a hell of a time telling them apart, but I’ve figured it out. Gideon is ginger and Fabian is slightly more brunette. Simple as that. “It’s DeLestrade. What do you want this time, Gideon?”




 

            “Actually, I’m Fabian.”




 

            “And I’m Gideon.”




 

            I rolled my eyes. “Despite the fact that I know Gideon is the ginger one, you two are also wearing jumpers that have letters on them. It’s a dead giveaway.”




 

            Fabian sighed. “Told you she already knew, mate.”




 

            Gideon shrugged. “Beats dying your hair again.”




 

            “That’s true.”




 

            “Too true.”




 

            “Maybe we should tell Molly that we don’t need anymore knitting.”




 

            “Mum doesn’t even knit.”




 

            “I’ve survived without a homemade jumper before and I think I’ll live once I grow out of this thing. I can pass it down to my little brother.”




 

            “I am not your little brother! I’m three minutes younger. What’s the difference?”




 

            “Three minutes.”




 

            “Smartass.”




 

            “Big nose.”




 

            “What’s it like knowing everything?”




 

            “Great, what’s it like waking up and smelling the coffee? In Brazil.”




 

            I groaned. “Can I leave now?”




 

            “Actually, we wanted to ask you if you planned on coming to detention. We figured with the way we’ve been serving time together me should just get in the habit of asking beforehand,” Gideon said.




 

            “Yes, I plan on coming to detention. Now, get to class.”




 

            “Like you can talk!” They said in unison.




 

            Really, my life was better when I paid attention.




 

 




 

            After a particularly painful charms session and a horrible dual-lecture from the overachiever brigade (Lily and Remus) I was finally off to lunch.




 

            I was a little bit thrown off though when instead of my ass in my seat by my friends, Marlene was sitting there.




 

            “I hate to be a bitch here, but that’s my seat, love.”




 

            Marlene glared at me and pointed to the other end of the table where she had also banished Alice. “Not anymore, Chubs. Sirius and I are sitting together today.”




 

            “So? Take Peter’s seat!” I pleaded, eyeing the chips that were on the plate in front of Marlene. “Sirius isn’t even here yet.”




 

            She gave another look and I just decided to be a big girl and leave the damn side.




 

            I plopped down next to Alice and immediately started bitching.




 

            “Why does she think she can just take my seat? I mean, she and Sirius never eat lunch together. And when they do, it’s on her side of the table.”




 

            Alice shrugged and took a bite of her sandwich. “Maybe now that she’s preggo she wants to spend some quality time with her baby daddy.”




 

            I laughed. “No kidding. I’d hate to be Sirius. Imagine being tied down to that thing for the rest of your pathetic life.” 




 

            “Yeah, and you know she’ll probably make him do everything too. Wouldn’t want to get a fingernail dirty, now would we?” Alice said in a squeaky Marlene voice. “It might ruin my make-up, too!”




 

            “You know, you two should be careful what you say around us. We are Marlene’s friends,” Abbison Date said, nose in the air.




 

            Marlene hangs out with your standard possy of mindless airhead-type bimbos you would expect her to. You’ve got Abbison Date (weird-ass name, right?), Rain Borneo, Tabitha Baker and Gigantor.




 

            “A fourth year mini-marlene, oh Alice, I’m shaking in my boots. Abbs, I hate to break it to you, but Marlene hates me. I hate her. This is a mutually destroying relationship.”




 

            “You can’t talk to Abbey like that, Troll-head.”




 

            Let me tell you something about Christina Everheart. She’s a freaking giant. Not fat, like me. Just really big. She’s been 6’1 since third year and honestly, she’s one of the few people to scare me.




 

            When I was just a puny little first year and she was a ‘shit your pants’ terrifying second year, I made a joke about her height. She punched me in the mouth so hard that two of my teeth fell out. She also got temporarily suspended from classes, but that didn’t do much for me.




 

            “Wont happen again, Christina. Sorry.”




 

            Alice and I left.




 

            Because if there’s one thing that ruins my day better than being hungry till dinner, it’s getting slapped into next week.




 

 




 

 




 

 




 

 




 

 




 

 




 

 




 

 




 

 


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