Chapter Two: Insult Party
super awesome chapter image of scary Jackie by nouvelle @ tda.
"I. HATE. MY. LIFE," I said, repeatedly thumping my head on my pillow. "Seriously, Adara, you were drooling? Have you gone insane?" I paused in my rantings. "Well, have you gone more insane, is what I meant. Who drools? WHO DROOLS?! Oh, that's right, no one does, no one but Adara - "
"Okay, it was quite amusing at first, but seriously, can you just shut up now?"
I stiffened, lifting my head off the pillow. A few beds away from me, in the farthest corner of the room, sat Jackie Nolan.
"I thought I was alone," I said coldly.
"Not alone, just stupid and unobservant," she countered.
"Don't push me, Nolan," I warned, reaching down to my back pocket where my wand was tucked.
Yes, I know what they say about wands in back pockets and buttocks and what not, but I honestly don't give a damn.
She smiled from over in her dark little corner. "You don't scare me, Longbottom. Your dad may be Head of Gryffindor, but he doesn't have the power to do anything to me. That's Professor Thurkettle's job, and Professor Thurkettle is actually rather fond of me."
Let me tell you a thing or two about Jackie.
Well, firstly, she's a bit of a chav, if I may say so myself: She always wears big hoopy earrings and several centimetres of goopy orange foundation. She straightens her hair so much that the ends look sharp enough to poke your eye out. But the most tell-tale sign that Jackie is a chav is the fact that she says 'innit'. Usually paired with 'mate'.
And secondly, she kind of hates me for no apparent reason. I told her once that it was because she was jealous of me and she burst out laughing and then hexed me before whispering some very choice words in my ear. She acts very sweet and innocent in front of everyone else, but then, when we're alone, she unleashes her inner demon and reveals her true bitchy, spiteful self.
"Why does everyone think I'm going to go to my dad every time the slightest thing happens?!"
"Because that's just the type of thing you'd do, because you're a whiney little snot bag."
"Snot bag? You have the insult capacity of a 3 year old," I snorted.
"Oh yeah? Let's see you try!"
"You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk," I spat.
Hahaha. I am so hilarious.
"Nice dress. What make is it? Clearance?"
"Nice tan, orange is my favourite colour."
"Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?"
"I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my arse!"
"If I ever had a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used!"
"Hey, you have something on your chin. Third one down."
"Is that your face? Or did your neck just throw up?"
"Addie! Where have you been? You missed Ancient Runes!" Rose said, pouncing on me as soon as I joined the queue outside the potions classroom.
"Ah, did I? Shame," I said sarcastically.
"But seriously, where were you?" she asked.
I shrugged. "I was having an insult party with Jackie Big Tits."
Ah, yes. I forgot to mention her nickname. It's quite catchy if I say so myself. I think Rose or someone got it from the name of a song or something.
"I partied with Jackie," I grinned.
Rose shut her eyes briefly, pinching the bridge of her nose. "She's going to kill you one day, you know."
"Nah. Don't fret, Rosie," I sang, smirking because I knew she hated it when I called her that.
"Who's killing who?" Al asked, striding up to join our conversation.
"Jackie Big Tits," I said.
"And is she the killer or the one being killed?" he probed.
"She's the killer. I'm
the one being killed."
"So why are you being killed?" Keenan asked, joining our steadily growing group.
Ah, yes. Keenan. Keenan is Al's secret lover.
Well, not really, but we all say he is. He's basically the person Al hangs with in the Ravenclaw common room or in classes when we're not with the Gryffies so he can't hang with Scorp.
Keenan is quite cute, I guess, if you like the boy next door type. He has blonde-brown hair a bit like Justin Bieber's (Oh, yes, I know who he is. He may be a muggle but he's FIT!), and blue eyes and loads of muscles. And I think he's a beater on the Quidditch team.
James is on the Quidditch team. He's captain, of course, and I think he's the seeker... No, no, no.... that was his dad. I think he must be the chaser. I don't know because when I actually attend these things I never actually concentrate on the game, just his face.
"Because she's stupid and does stupid things," said Rose.
"Hey!" I said indignantly. "I am not stupid!"
"But you do stupid things," she replied.
"And does doing stupid things make you stupid?" I asked.
"Well, yeah," said Al. "Clever people don't do stupid things so it leaves the stupid people to do stupid things."
"Well, what about the average people?" I said.
"Uh... They just do stupid things sometimes."
"Well, then that means I'm average."
"No, you're definitely stupid," said Keenan, as Rose and Al nodded in agreement. "Stupid or lacking in common sense. Or both."
See how supportive my friends are? I might as well be friends with Jackie, she's more supportive than them.
A little while after lunch, I was sitting in Transfiguration, feeling bored out of my mind. We had Transfiguration with the the Slytherins and we had to sit in alphabetical order, so I got to share a row with Jackie Big Tits and the two besties / secret lovers Scorp and Al.
I had to admit it wasn't the best seating arrangement in the world.
I think they should just cancel Transfiguration. No one really cares about it and McGonogall is getting too old to teach. What is she like, 100 now? She just goes off into her own little world sometimes and starts muttering under her breath about strange stuff like Albus Dumbledore and the ministry and some man called Frank.
Honestly, I just don't think she's fit to teach anymore. She needs to go into a care home or to somewhere like Eastbourne or Kent where she can live by herself and have a zillion cats.
Maybe I should tell Dad. He might not be powerful enough to get rid of her, but maybe he could put in a word with Headmaster Barnaby.
I almost jumped at the noise, turning to my right to see Jackie looking at me.
"What?" I mouthed.
"It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork," she whispered.
"Wait, what?" I said, blinking stupidly. I swear I blink too much. I must have heavy eyelashes.
"Do you want me to repeat it? It looks like your face - "
Before she could continue I had registered what she'd said and almost automatically my arm swung out and hit her squarely in the face, sending her flying backwards off her chair and underneath someone's desk. Everyone looked up at the loud crashing noise she made when she landed, and then, seeing her on the floor, fit things together and turned their gazes on me.
I wasn't sure whether I should laugh, cry or run away.
"Adara? What'd you do?" whispered Scorp, watching in awe as Jackie struggled into a sitting position, clutching her face, which was bleeding. How could her face be bleeding? I didn't even hit her that hard!
"I... I don't know," I said.
McGonogall was still up at the front of the classroom, sitting at her desk, her eyes cloudy as she thought of something else.
How can someone's face bleed? I don't get it.
"Why'd you hit her?" asked some bemused Slytherin from the back. Rochester, I think it was.
"She insulted me," I replied.
"Too right I did," she said thickly, glaring at me from where she was sitting on the floor. "I'm gonna get you for this, Longbottom."
I decided to ignore this last comment. "How is your face bleeding
?" I asked instead.
"Miss Nolan, may I ask what you are doing on the floor?"
We all turned to see McGonogall frowning down at us from her desk.
"Adara Longbottom hit me," Jackie said.
McGonogall's frown deepened. "Miss Longbottom, can you report to your head of house, please? Tell him that I sent you and then tell him what you did."
I scowled, picking up my books and beginning to head from the room. Just as I was about to leave through the door, something hard slammed into my head.
I span around, immediately noticing the Transfiguration textbook on the floor. The weapon. I turned my gaze to the rest of the room, my eyes tuning in on the culprit. Jackie.
"What'd you do that for?!" I yelled.
"Calm down, Miss Longbottom. Miss Nolan, I would like you to accompany her to Professor Thurkettle's office so that you can also explain why I have sent you."
We both scowled.
"How'd it go?" asked Rose as I slid into a seat beside her.
"Two weeks of detentions cleaning the trophy room and sorting broom cupboards," I said, stuffing potatoes into my mouth angrily. "And that's not the worst part. I have to do them with Jackie."
"Well, you probably shouldn't have hit her."
"But I couldn't think of any good comebacks!"
"Violence doesn't solve anything."
"It does solve some things..."
"Addie, Addie, Addie," Al said, sliding into his seat next to me and putting an arm around my shoulders. "My dear cousin Rose is right. Violence does not solve a thing." He paused, grabbing a stick of carrot and chewing on it. "Maybe you should go talk to your dad about it."
I snorted. "You're gonna have to try a lot harder to get me to lose the bet, Al."
He pouted. "What'd she say to make you punch her, anyway?"
"She insulted me," I said.
"Yes. We know. But what
did she say?"
"Uh... something to do with my face and a fire and a fork."
"Come on, Addie, tell me!" he whined.
I sighed. "She said, 'it looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork'."
Both Al and Rose hid their smirks.
"Don't laugh! It isn't funny!" I cried.
This seemed to be the bursting point for them, as their smirks turned into loud guffaws of laughter.
"Whatever," I said, eating another potato. "Has anyone done the potions homework?"
"Oh, yeah," said Al, once he'd recovered from his laughing. "That reminds me. James needs some help with his potions homework, and - "
"I can!" I said excitedly.
The pair of them looked at me.
?" said Rose.
"Uh, yeah," I said, blushing.
Al shrugged. "Great, I'll tell him and then you two can hook up."
I was apparently hooking up with James Potter. Yes, it was for potions, yes, I had no knowledge whatsoever of potions, and yes, it wasn't the sort of hooking up I had imagined, but it was a step forwards!
"Addie, come to the toilets with me," said Rose.
Oops. She hadn't said that in the I-need-my-best-friend-to-come-with-me-or-I-might-get-beat-up-by-a-seventh-year-in-the-loos tone. She'd said that in the I-don't-know-what-you're-up-to-but-I've-just-noticed-how-hung-up-you-are-over-James-Potter-AKA-my-cousin tone.
"Err... Look, here comes Scorpius!"
And indeed it was Scorpius, swaggering over to our table, saving the day and proving himself useful for once.
Rose's concern for my hooking up with her cousin vanished as she turned to perform the Rose Glare on Scorp. He cowered under her gaze, stumbling a little as he made his way towards us. I nearly felt sorry for him, until I remembered that I couldn't because I in fact hated him.
"Hey Al," he said, as they did a man-hug.
You know, a man-hug, where they kind of do a handshake and then swing into each other for a half-hug that lasts for about a second, sometimes accompanied by a firm slap on the back.
I read about it in the urban dictionary.
Rose continued to glare at Scorp for a while, before turning back to me.
"Toilets. Now." She was doing her best to refrain from using her Rose Glare, and I knew it. I only had one chance of getting out of it before she could scare me into it:
"Look! It's Professor McGonogall doing a strip tease!" I yelled, pointing in a random direction above Rose's head.
Hundreds of heads turned and looked in that direction, and I took it as my only opportunity to escape.
Heheheh. I'm hooking up with James Potter.
A/N: See that box down there? That little white one that's just begging you to make a comment? That box saves lives.