thank you so much to callisto for the beautiful chapter image!
“HOLY FUCK!” I heard James scream, and I instantly froze.
Now a smart person would push the one bloke that she wasn’t supposed to be snogging away rather than standing like a motionless statue. Unfortunately, I am not a smart person.
Thankfully, Weasley summoned together the very small amount of brains that he had, pulled away, and stepped back.
“What are you doing here, mate?” He asked calmly, but there was a slight edge to his voice. Now whether that edge was because he was worried that James was going to tell people or that he was just interrupted from a good snog is a mystery to me.
Knowing Weasley, it is probably the latter.
What can I say? He’s a horny bastard.
“I was on my way to knick some food from the kitchens, but I was slightly distracted by the noise of two people sucking face!” James exclaimed and then he began smacking himself across the face.
…Even for James that behavior was a little bit sketchy.
“What the hell are you doing?” Weasley and I asked in unison, although while I sounded worried, Weasley sounded amused.
“Trying to get the image of my cousin and my best mate eating each other’s faces off out of my head!” He yelled hysterically, and smacked himself harder.
“And for Merlin’s sake, make yourself decent!” He ordered.
I didn’t even bother denying the fact that I was snogging Weasley, and looked down to realize that the only thing that I was wearing was a royal blue bra and my skirt.
Weasley glanced at me, smirked, and said, “I happen to like her better this way.”
Why is it impossible for blokes to keep it in their bloody pants for five fucking minutes?
I glared and punched him in the arm (which probably hurt me more than it hurt him…muscular bastard) before picking my shirt up off the ground and redoing all the buttons.
Like honestly, his best mate just found us snogging, and then he goes and makes perverted comments like that.
He definitely wins the medal for the biggest dumb fuck that I’ve ever met.
Wait a second, why am I not freaking out more? James knows. James Potter knows our secret. James Sirius Potter, the bloke that can’t keep a secret even if his life depended on it.
“James, you can’t tell anybody what’s been going on, okay?” I told him, my voice was borderline hysteria.
He stopped smacking himself across the face to look at me, completely shocked. “What’s been going on
?! You mean that this has happened more then once?”
“No!” I lied, but by the way that James’ face remained shocked, and how Weasley muttered sarcastically, “Nice going,” I could tell that I hadn’t been too convincing.
“Are you two secretly dating or something?” James asked, raising an eyebrow.
Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
“Of course not!” Weasley and I exclaimed in unison, both sounding a bit disgusted and on the verge of gagging.
Weasley and me? Dating?
I don’t know whether to laugh or to barf.
“So you two have just been randomly sneaking off to shag whenever the hell you want? What are you, like fuck buddies?” James asked, smirking slightly. He seemed to have gotten over his shock because his voice sounded more amused than anything else.
Weasley was about to open his mouth to say something probably incredibly stupid, but I cut him off. “We weren’t shagging!” I told him, and shuddered in disgust at the thought.
Never would I ever shag Weasley. That’s almost as disgusting as the thought of a house elf and a cat getting it on…Oh Merlin, now I’m picturing it.
Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Never again.
“It certainly looked like you were shagging to me,” James grinned, and nodded towards my shirt that had been haphazardly done up with buttons in the wrong place, and my hair which was all over the place.
“Well, we weren’t.” Weasley sighed, either because he was depressed that he wasn’t getting fucked or that he was getting annoyed with James and just wanted to snog.
I’d say it’s pretty even.
“Listen mate, you can’t tell anybody.” Weasley said, interrupting whatever response James was about to give him. “Especially Roxy.” He added seriously.
Dear Merlin. If Roxy ever found out she’d kill us. One, because for some reason, Rox actually likes Weasley and she is fiercely protective of him even though he’s older than she is.
And second, I don’t think she’d be too happy about her best friend snogging her brother…I mean what girl would be?
I almost blew some serious chunks when I found out that Tosh fucked Heidi…while I was just down the hall. Disgusting.
“What’s in it for me?” James asked, smirking even more with the piece of blackmail that he just gained.
Blackmailing his cousin and his best girl mate…where did Mr. and Mrs. Potter go wrong?
“The satisfaction of doing a nice thing for your dear cousin?” Weasley guessed hopefully, then added, “And the girl that you tolerate for some reason…” And patted my head in an annoying way, which caused me to glare hatefully at him.
James shook his head and grinned evilly.
Save me, please, save me now.
“Two things,” He said, holding up two fingers as if we couldn’t hear him. “The first thing is something that I need permission from Freddy for and help from both of you, and then the second thing is something that only Dessie can tell me.”
Whatever the first one was I’m sure I could probably deal with…but it is the second thing that scares the shit out of me. Who knows what twisted thing James’ mind would think to ask me?
“What do you need my permission for?” Weasley asked, raising an eyebrow.
I was extremely curious for this myself because when James Potter wants to do something, he does it because, well, he’s James Potter.
James paused for a moment before answering, “I want to get Roxy and Logan together.”
It took about three seconds for Weasley’s idiotic mind glare viciously at James and say, “Why the fuck would I want to do that?”
“You know that he’s liked Roxy for forever, but he doesn’t have enough balls to do anything about it because he’s afraid you’ll kill him!”
“Damn right I’ll kill him! I don’t want my best mate snogging my baby sister!” Weasley exclaimed angrily.
Baby sister my arse. Weasley’s only three minutes older than Roxanne.
James suddenly was overcome with what seemed to be an asthma attack because he coughed something that sounded a whole lot like, “You’re snogging your sister’s best friend.”
Well, look at James making valid points! He deserves a gold star for the day.
“Blazer doesn’t count,” Weasley scoffed as if I wasn’t standing right next to him.
“Oi!” I yelled indignantly, scowled at him, and then smacked him across the chest.
“What do you think about Logan and Roxy together, Dessie? You know Roxy more than anybody.” James said.
I tried thinking if Roxy had ever mentioned anything about Logan in the past. I mean she thought he was a good laugh, she liked that he was athletic and loved quidditch as much as she did, and I know that she thinks he’s extremely hot, but she never actually said that she liked him in that way.
I thought about them as a couple, and how they’d look together.
Roxy with her deep, dark blue eyes, and Logan with his light, greenish-blue eyes. Logan with his tousled dirty blond hair, and Roxy with her long, feathery brown hair. Roxy with her soft mocha colored skin, and Logan with his lightly tanned complexion.
I could totally see it. Not to mention the fact that both of their personalities would go so well together.
I mean, Logan can be a total and complete annoying arsehole, but not in an entirely awful way if he had someone like Roxy to keep him in line.
“I think it could work.” I said smiling causing Weasley to snort obnoxiously.
“Brilliant!” James grinned.
But before he could get too happy I said, “It would take some effort for Roxy to realize that she liked him and everything, but it could definitely happen.”
“Alright, I’m done talking about this now.” Weasley all but growled after James hugged me and said thank you around a million times and muttered about how he was happy he’d get to hear the end of Logan constantly talking about Roxy. “What was the thing that you needed Blazer to tell you?”
I felt an extremely nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought about what James could ask me.
Wait a second…he already knows my darkest secret so how bad it could be?
Good job looking on the bright side of things, Dessie!
Merlin, I need to really stop talking to myself.
“Right,” James said after he stepped back from hugging me. “What’s the big secret that Heidi, Roxy, Sydney, and you are keeping from us?”
How the hell am I supposed to answer that one?
THINK, BRAIN, THINK!
Apparently, the way my brain thought to respond was mumbling oh-so-eloquently, “Erm, you know, um…peanut butter?”
I don’t work well in stressful situations…obviously.
“Peanut butter.” James repeated dully, raising an eyebrow, and Weasley looked like he was refraining from laughing.
“Yes, peanut butter. We, um, we really want to have a peanut butter party,” I started inventing wildly off the top of my head, and spitting out what ever came to my honestly scary mind.
“A peanut butter party?” James questioned.
“Yes, a peanut butter party! You know, peanut butter hats…and er, party favors? Yeah, the whole nine yards!” I said, waving my arms about like a mental person before dramatically crying, “But unfortunately, the kitchens are all out of peanut butter! So we can’t have the peanut butter party!”
I am not right to be in society unless I’m locked in a straight jacket.
And where the hell did I get my lying abilities? I mean, Tosh can bloody shit out lies as if his life depended on it, and even Mason was a decent liar! Where did I get my shittastic lying genes?
I tell you, life is totally unfair to the middle child.
“So you girls were all crying two weeks ago and missed all of your classes because you couldn’t have your ‘peanut butter party’?” James asked, and him and Weasley were both trying and failing to refrain from smiling.
Good to know that I amuse them, I suppose, but I kept going with it just for the hell of it, “Oh yes, we were very depressed about having to cancel our peanut butter party! I threw up because I was so depressed if you remember!”
“Yeah, we remember,” Weasley grimaced.
“So do you
know the secret?” James asked, turning to Weasley.
Right, like I’d ever tell Weasley.
“I think I would’ve told you if I did know, mate. I tried to get her to spill, but she bloody seduced me!” Weasley exclaimed, annoyed. He was obviously still bitter about that night, and I refrained from giggling just thinking about it.
?!” James laughed, “That must’ve been interesting to witness.”
“It worked, didn’t it?” I said, and smirking mischievously. Weasley, to my surprise, did it right back, which caused me to frown because when Weasley smirks like that, it never means something good.
“I wouldn’t be so high and mighty, Miss-I-Just-Came-To-Get-My-Wand,” Weasley said, and I shot a very dirty glare at him to which he smirked at again.
“Either way, you may have been able to seduce Freddy, but you won’t be able to seduce me so spill
.” James ordered, and then added, “And no more ridiculous peanut butter stories.”
“Ridiculous? I thought my peanut butter story was actually pretty damn good…”
Wow, I can’t even lie to myself properly. That’s when you know that you’re truly awful.
“Dessie,” James said my name as if I was a three year old, and he was my mother trying to get me to fess up to eating the last piece of banana bread.
They were both looking at me curiously as I tried to figure out a story…or an escape route. I could feel myself start to break into a sweat.
Because I am so awful at quick thinking of any sort I decided just to tell the truth. “I can’t tell you.” I answered honestly.
Weasley rolled his eyes, and James said, “Well, you kind of have to, now don’t you?”
“But it’s not my secret to tell.”
Gotta love that Gryffindor loyalty.
They seemed to piece together that it was either Roxy’s, Heidi’s, or Sydney’s secret, and Weasley asked me in a worried voice, “Does it have anything to do with Roxy?”
He sighed with relief when I shook my head and then said, “But she knows so why don’t you go bug her, yeah?”
“You’re the worst liar ever though so I’m more likely to get it out of you than her. Plus, I don’t have any blackmail on Roxy.” James said.
“You do realize that blackmail is a federal offense, right? You could go to Azkaban.” I told him. He shrugged and said, “I’m James Potter, and I can do whatever the hell I want.”
Even though it’s true, he’s still a complete git.
“So it has something to do with Heidi or Sydney?”
I figured that I could give them that much so I nodded as I very, very slowly started making my way to the door.
“Did one of their relatives die?”
I shook my head. Just a little bit further until I could get around James and make it to the door. Fortunately for me, they were both thinking so hard that they didn’t notice me moving away from them.
“Are one of their parents getting divorced?”
Again I shook my head.
“Is it a…lady issue?” James asked, running his fingers through his hair nervously.
Why are guys all so afraid of talking about lady parts? It’s not like we have a blast-ended skrewt down there.
“You could call it that,” I said laughing a little.
“Did you run out of tampons or something?” Weasley guessed.
“Yeah, that’s exactly it.” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes. “I threw up and we all started crying because Heidi is all out of fucking tampons.”
“Well, I didn’t know! When girls go through that time of the month, you all get so damn emotional!” Weasley exclaimed frustrated, his eyebrows furrowing together.
How thick can you possibly get?
“At least we know that it has something to do with Heidi,” James said and grinned.
“Why do you say that?” I asked, my voice quivering slightly as I took another small step backwards.
“Because you said Heidi. If it was about Sydney then you would’ve said Sydney.”
Fuck my life. Why am I such a bloody idiot?! I swear something went wrong when I was in my mum’s tummy. Maybe she slept on her stomach too much when she was preggers causing my brain to get squished and not develop properly.
Note to self: Tell Heidi to not sleep on her stomach so that I don’t wind up with an idiot niece or nephew.
“Well, it’s been lovely talking to the pair of you!” I exclaimed, waved obnoxiously, and then charged out the door before either of them knew what had happened.
Unfortunately, it only took them about ten seconds to come chasing after me. Fortunately, I am a fast runner. But unfortunately, they are stronger and have longer legs so three of my strides were like one of theirs.
I had made it up the stairs and a little bit down the corridor when I was grabbed from behind, and thrown over Weasley’s shoulder. I let out a small squeak as I was given a view of Weasley’s arse that I really didn’t ask for.
Please don’t make Weasley have to fart. I’d really appreciate it.
“Really thought that you could outrun us, Des?” James said, laughing like the evil, evil person that he is.
I let out a growl of frustration as Weasley decided to rest his hand right on my arse. “Enjoying the view, Blazer?” Weasley asked and I could just imagine his bloody smirk that he most definitely had on his face.
“Put me down!” I snapped, and started squirming around to try to get him to drop me, but he just tightened his grip.
“I’ll scream, I swear to Merlin, I will!”
“If you scream then we’ll feed you to Mrs. Norris Jr.”
I started squirming even more, but this time I was actually afraid. “I’m allergic to cats!”
“Then don’t scream and we won’t have a problem now will we?”
Why do I feel like I’m about to get shanked or something…or worse, feed to an evil cat.
And that cat is
evil, I swear. There is a legend that some first year tried to poke it with a stick and Mrs. Norris Jr. clawed his eyes out.
Terrifying, terrifying stuff, I tell you.
“What’s going on here?” I heard Miss Summer’s voice say from behind me, and Weasley whipped around so fast that my head nearly slammed into the wall.
“Sup, Heather,” Weasley said in his ‘sexy’ voice, and James threw her the smirk that he always used when he wanted to get a girl in bed.
I don’t think either of them remembered that it was currently the middle of the night, and that they had just been threatening a girl that one of them had hanging like a rag doll off of his shoulder.
So in conclusion, attempting to flirt with her probably wasn’t helping their case at all.
“Miss Summers! Thank Merlin you’re here!” I exclaimed in a relieved voice. Weasley jumped slightly when he remembered that I was still on his back.
“These two kidnapped me in the middle of the night and threatened to feed me to Mrs. Norris Jr!” I cried, after Weasley set me down, not very gently, I must add.
I think that she was more amused than anything, and because I’m one of her favorite students she just decided to pretend to believe me. “Detention, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter. My office, tomorrow at seven.” She told them with authority, and they groaned in unison, knowing that it was pointless to argue. “You can go back to bed now, Dessie.” She said turning to me, and offering a friendly smile and a wink.
“Thank you!” I exclaimed, and ran back to the Gryffindor tower.
I fucking love Miss Summers.
I woke up the next morning with a note beside my bed that read:
You’re going to have to tell us eventually, you know.
-Fred & James
PS, You drool when you sleep.
A/N: HEYYOOO! How does everybody like the new banner made by the amazing dream_BIG
? And how did everybody like this chapter? I basically typed it all in like two hours so sorry if it’s not the best, but I actually enjoyed it. I decided that I love Fred and James even more when they are together than when they are apart.
Does anybody have any favorite quotes/parts of the chapter? Let me know, and please review!!