Chapter 5 : Genius Acting Skills
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You’re a sodding idiot. Did you not look in the mirror at all – wait. Don’t answer that. Dom hogged it all summer. I retract the derogatory comment about your intellect, it could not be helped. Cheers! Anyway, I’m sure you’ll just get used to the girls. Don’t be rude to them, just sort of…avoid them? And, er…well, I’d tell you to hide under the protection of Teddy Lupin like I did, but that wouldn’t work because he’s not there anymore, and you’re a male and…never mind. I wonder how Dom deals with – ah. Never mind again. I really don’t want to know. Hmm…you’re really asking me how to attract the opposite gender when they all think I have just a pretty face to my name? Bro, I’ve been after the same bloke for years. You really are an idiot. Just be nice to her. Talk to her. Care about what she has to say.
In short, be everything but an actual girl.
Also, tell Teddy anything and I will personally dismember you and feed your bits to a hippogriff.
Love ya, Tori xx
I have such a charming, feminine oldest sister.
You all be jealous.
Actually, all I have to do at this point is casually push Dom off of a cliff or something equal in height, and I’d have a freaking awesome family.
She’s a blemish to the Delacour-Weasley name, that girl.
I dunno where the genetic information went wrong.
…you know what, I’m just glad it’s not me.
“Ay mate, what’s cookin?” Al ambled up to me and clapped me on the back. I stuffed Tori’s letter in my pocket and turned around to slap hands with him.
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just ask me ‘what’s cookin’,” I told him.
“But regardless, I’m now friends with Aisha DiMarco,” I said, my mouth curling into a victorious smirk.
“Great job!” Al said happily, giving me another high-five. “You have this in the bag.”
I shrugged. “Pretty much. And Tori told me how to win her over and shit, so…basically, I’m getting rich off of Rosie’s money.”
“You suck,” Rose said from behind me. I turned around to look at her face – she looked like she was ready to kill someone.
“How’s Malfoy?” Al asked stupidly.
Rose glared at him.
“Rude!” Al squeaked indignantly as Rose grabbed my arm and started to pull me down to the Great Hall for dinner. I turned around to smirk at him and he made a face before trudging after us.
Me, Rose and Al – Win.
Think about it, Weasleys – life with no Dom. Imagine how bloody awesome our family would be!
“Oi, Louis,” someone said from behind me, tapping me on the shoulder.
Bloody hell, how many times have I made it clear to these Gryffies that I don’t believe in socializing before eat time, I like to focus on food and get into this whole mantric state of just –
“Hey,” I said in a clearly confused voice, looking down at her. She pushed some of her wild hair behind her ear.
“I was wondering if you wanted to do some Transfig Homework with me after dinner in the library,” she said, smiling at me. Al was staring at the back of her head with his mouth hanging open. He looked up at me and started doing a bobble-head imitation.
I hope he understands that I can’t decipher his spastic head movements.
“Sure,” I told her. Al’s spastic head movements ceased and he gave me a thumbs-up. I feel like I have done the right thing. I’m so grateful for his approval. Now I can move on with my life.
“Great, I’ll see you later,” she smiled again. She needs to stop doing that, it actually makes her look slightly attractive.
“Yeah,” I said dumbly.
She grinned at Rose, then walked past us out of the Portrait Hole. Al started doing a freaky victory dance.
“Lou is gonna get some, he’s gonna get some, g-g-g-get some!” he chanted as he swung his hips around.
“Thank you, Al, for proving to me that reverse evolution is possible.” Rose saluted him mockingly, a wry grimace on her mouth.
He stopped. “Jealousy is an ugly color on you, Rosebud,” he said haughtily.
I couldn’t help but snicker. Rose turned an evil glare onto me.
“Hey, come on,” I told her amiably, “a bet’s a bet, no matter who wins, yeah?”
She huffed. “I guess so.”
“Brilliant!” Al chirped enthusiastically. “Let’s go eat dinner, then we can pick out Louis’ perfect outfit for his date and paint his nails or some shit.”
He slung his arms around our shoulders and practically choked us to death as he pranced out of the portrait hole and down the hallway. Meanwhile, we tried to remain as dignified as possible while being in Al’s presence. (read: we tripped, cursed, and threatened the kid and still he managed to drag us along as he skipped like a little girl.)
I worry about him.
Al actually tried painting my nails, the stupid sod.
They now flash different colors every now and then. I look like an idiot. Feel like one too. Bloody hell.
I groaned as my nails turned a violently electric green shade.
The only consolation to this is the fact that I used the same spell on Al, so now his hair flashes different colors at random intervals. It was pink the last time I saw him and his middle finger.
Take that, Potter.
I glanced up from my nails as someone slapped their books down on the table next to me. Target was peering interestedly at my hands.
“You know, this isn’t exactly the best way to make me want to believe you’re not effeminate,” she remarked.
“Al’s fault,” I muttered, scowling down at my hideously feminine fingernails. They turned bright pink.
I need to go do something manly in order for my testosterone to feel secure.
I’m going to grow a badass beard.
And a moustache.
And some chest hair.
Then I’ll run around the track and sweat.
Then I’ll eat more food than is considered even vaguely healthy.
I should probably also grunt a couple of times.
And fart. Lots and lots of manly farting.
Grunting and flexing, too; that’s manly, right?
Of course it is. I’ll be doing it, and I’m clearly the epitome of manliness. You know, once you disregard my hair…and my face.
I should just walk around pantless. That’ll prove it.
“I’m thinking of growing a beard,” I told Target.
She gave me a weird look. “Having some insecurities, are we?”
I looked down at my hands. Purple. Bloody purple.
“I should jinx a beard onto your face and see how secure you feel about that,” I said moodily. Stupid Al and his stupid charm. Now I look like a jackarse in front of the girl I’m trying to impress.
She laughed. “You’re such a female, Louis Weasley.”
I looked up with a raised eyebrow. Suave, Louis. Think suave. I can do suave. I can definitely do suave.
Who am I kidding – I couldn’t do suave if someone gave me a Suave Potion. You know, if such a thing existed.
“That was rude.”
“But Al and his stupid feminine charms aside,” I said charmingly, putting my hands under the table and turning to her. “How has your day been?”
That’s a good enough transition into normal conversation, right? I don’t sound like a girl, right? I just want her to think that I actually care, just like Tori told me. I think this works.
She smiled. I think I’m a genius at life. “It was just fine,” she said. “Yours?”
She laughed. “It’s a Monday and the first full week of school. How could it be brilliant?”
I shrugged. “I had a nice first week back, I guess. Other than, you know…”
“The crazy girls?” she filled in wryly.
“Yeah,” I said, shuddering, “that.”
“You know,” she said, looking up at me from her textbook. I leaned forward slightly, putting my hands back up on the table so I’d look cool and relaxed. I smelled a whiff of strawberry again and I nearly lost my cool and relaxed state. Merlin, I fucking love girls. “Most blokes would take advantage of that.”
I chuckled. A chunk of her curly hair fell across her face, which bugged me a lot, so I leaned across the table and pushed it behind her ear. Hey, this is soft and shiny – once again, I love girls. “I guess I’m just not like most blokes.”
Her eyes widened. She but her lip. And blushed.
You know, that’s what Tori does every time Teddy walks into a room, and – holy shit. HOLY BLEEDING SHIT! Aisha DiMarco is attracted to me! Target is attracted to me. Fuck yes! I’m gonna wi-in, I’m gonna wi-in, I’m gonna –
Bloody hell, you know you’ve got some serious worrying to do when you start acting like Al in your head.
I forced a smile onto my face and suppressed the urge to get up and dance. Al can do that later when I tell him; he’s the only one weird enough to get away with it.
Because, like I said before, I am a cool and relaxed person. The coolest and most relaxed person in the world. Ever.
…well, it’s a good thing I can act.
“We should probably get some work done,” Target said in a weird voice, leaning back so that my hand fell back to the table. She sounded nervous, which only added to my happiness.
“Yeah, you’re right.” I sounded reluctant even to my own ears.
Genius. Genius. I should just screw all this and become one of those Hollywood muggle actors. I hear they make tons of money. And gets tons of girls. And big houses. Sounds like a pretty damn awesome life to me.
“But actually,” I said, suddenly struck by one of those genius bolts of inspiration that I never really get, “I actually might need some help with the last spell we did. I couldn’t figure it out at all.”
I looked expectantly at Target, and she put her bottom lip in her mouth as she pondered this. As a result of this, I couldn’t stop staring at her mouth. Sodding fuck, I hate when girls bite their lips. It’s so distracting and alluring and it should be made illegal in all countries.
American girls are hot.
I heard those California girls are really unforgettable. And apparently they also walk around in those itty bathing costumes where you can pretty much see everything! How awesome is that?! I am definitely moving to California when I grow up.
“Well, we can’t do that in here,” she finally said.
I grinned and slid my books into a pile. “Let’s go, then.”
She opened her mouth – probably to tell me to sod off and leave her in peace to do her work – but I grabbed her stuff before she could say anything and practically skipped out of the library in my excitement.
I didn’t actually skip though. Obviously. I’m a manly man, and manly men don’t skip. They strut around like bosses. Which is exactly what I’m doing right now.
I slid into the first mostly-empty classroom I could find, beckoning a bemused-looking Target in as well. She rolled her eyes as she stepped in after me.
“Oi,” I said loudly, turning around and snapping my fingers at the couple currently sucking face in front of me, “horny young’ins. Scram.”
The fourth-years gave me disgusted looks as they scampered out of the room.
“Use protection!” Target hollered after them.
I couldn’t help it; I laughed. Nice hair and a sense of humor? Not bad at all. I can deal with this.
She turned around, already grinning. “Alright, what do you need help with?”
“Yesterday’s spell,” I rattled off immediately. “I was having a bit of trouble turning that goblet into a bird.”
And I spent the next three hours turning furniture into animals, laughing a lot more than I thought would be possible around this girl, and sniffing strawberry.
It was more enjoyable than I’d expected.
“This is bad.”
I looked up from my toes and at Al, who was pacing around in front of my bed, sporting flashing orange hair and a disturbed expression on his face.
“What’s bad?” I asked.
He stopped in front of me, fixing me with a solemn look, though it was a bit hard to take a bloke seriously when his hair was quickly turning mustard yellow.
“You’re becoming attached to the Target,” he said in a grave voice.
“What?” I protested immediately. I scoffed. “That’s ridiculous. Of course I’m not becoming attached to Aisha –”
“Aha!” Al cut me off, pointing his finger in my face. Jeez, personal bubble invasion. “You’re calling her by her first name! What are you now, mates?”
“Yeah, we’re mates,” I said, irritated. “We sort of have to be mates, considering I’m trying to get her to fall in love with me and all.”
“This is just bad,” Al muttered, resuming his pacing. I groaned and flopped back on my bed.
“For the last time, Al, I know what I’m doing. I’m not going to let some cute girl ruin my chances at this bet –”
“But that’s just not it!” He exclaimed, walking around the bed so that he could look down at my head with his penetrating gaze. It was times like these, lying on my back and looking up at my cousin’s upside-down face and booger-colored hair, that I wished I could have been born in a family of normal people instead of these insane psychos.
“You’re putting on an act to make her fall in love with you, but in the process, you might just fall in love with the real her. And Lou, I don’t know if you realize this, but the whole bet is a course of action in hurting this girl. Trust me, hurting someone you love is a thousand times worse the pain that they feel when they get hurt. You can’t develop feelings for her in this – you have to make it quick and painless for the both of you.”
I hate when Al makes sense.
It makes the entire world feel off-balance.
I made a face at him. He didn’t look too fazed.
“I’m not developing feelings for her,” I told him. “Really. I just like strawberries, and she’s funny. That’s about as far as the attraction goes.”
“No upsets in your dopamine levels?” Al interrogated.
“No odd feelings of nausea when she does something cute?”
“I have yet to experience them.”
“No weird sex dreams about her?”
I gave him a weird look. “Trust me, if I wanted to have a sex dream, it’d be with someone way hotter.”
“Do you ever keep thinking about her?”
“Do you notice little things about her?”
I thought about it. “She bit her lip today. Thought that was pretty hot.”
Al bitch-slapped me across the face.
“Okay, fine! No! Gosh!”
He gave me a dirty look, but nodded nonetheless. “You’re clean.”
I gave him a stony expression. “Thanks.”
“I got your back, mate.”
Fantastic. Just what I need.
alright, guys -- let's just get this out there.
louis is a douchebag. (and i also take it back, he is NOTHING like me at all. more like one of my best friends, actually....whoops.)
i know it. you probably have realized it by this point. in fact, if i knew him in real life, i'd probably hate his guts.
(or become his best friend. what? douches are funny!)
you probably love him in spite of this glaringly obvious fact (he loves you too), but let it be known that he's meant to be an asshole. really. it was done completely intentionally, and not like as a 'oh whoops, my main character is an asshole. okay, let's just pretend this was intentional so i don't look like an idiot."
sooooo my summer has started :D finallyyyy, thank the heavens above. this year was so stressful, and i'm finally done with AP Bio! WHEEEEE.
please leave a review and send louis some lovin' ;)
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