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Phoenix in the Ashes by HPFF United
Chapter 6 : Under The Surface
 
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 "You've changed, Sev."

Her words echoed in his head a million times a day, the disappointment in her voice stabbing him over and over again until he couldn't take the pain –and still, it wouldn't stop. It was as if someone had recorded it and shoved the recording in his head, making sure that it would play on repeat forever.

Severus Snape was lurking in the shadows, sitting in the very far corner of the Slytherin table. He'd once found it mildly amusing that the Slytherin table was the farthest away from the windows, most of it submerged in a sort of gloomy looking darkness, but now he spent his time sitting there, almost completely unnoticeable, as he pretended he wasn't watching Lily –his Lily –sitting with Potter and Potter's stupid friends.

He'd went and called her a mudblood. He had just been so…furious at Potter and the word had slipped out. And she wouldn't forgive him.

Even now, two years later, he missed her.

Some Slytherin he was.

If he were honest with himself, he could have seen this day coming since the day they were sorted and he got friendly with the other Slytherins. It had been more than he could ask for, her ignoring the fact that he was steadily getting more and more immersed in the dark arts, getting lured in deeper and farther at the dark side, but she had.

Lily had ignored it all, because she knew –she believed with every fiber of her being –that he was a good person, under all his harsh shell.

But this was one thing that she couldn't ignore.

Him bullying –torturing was the word she'd used, her voice filled with a disgust that he'd never had directed at him before –children because of their blood status. Severus figured she'd taken it so personally was because she had the same blood status, though, since he was being honest with himself, she would have taken anyone being bullied as a personal offense, even a Slytherin who'd bullied her before, because she was just that type of person. Him practicing dark magic. Him calling the death eater children his friends. She'd been able to look past it, to forgive him for all of it –never forget, but forgiveness was enough for him.

Him using the term mudblood on everyone but her. And then using it on her. She would never forgive that.

He could still remember the way her eyes had flashed in pain and shock, and how she'd flinched and drew back as if he'd physically hit her.

It'd been the straw that broke the camel's back, to use a muggle saying, that word slipping from his mouth and slapping his best friend in the face.

And so she'd cut all ties with him with five simple words a few days after he'd gone begging for her forgiveness that night outside the Gryffindor tower. Those words seemed so harmless in any other context than the one she'd given him them.

"I can't do this anymore."

And just like that, Severus found himself no longer able to cling onto the one thing that kept his head from sinking under. The one thing that kept him afloat in the storm. The one thing that had ensured the little bit of good that was so lost deep inside his heart would finally be smashed by all of the bad that had taken residence.

Lily had left him, no longer able to pretend that what was going on wouldn't affect their friendship. And she'd found solace in Potter of all people.

In a mildly masochistic way, he was glad she'd picked Potter. The boy would be able to keep her safe –nearly as safe as Severus would have been able to keep her. The boy would keep her happy and healthy and alive.

But Lily –his Lily –had left him all alone.

She'd stopped being his lifesaver, and he'd slipped under.

He gently massaged his forearm that was stinging painfully. It had been since the night before when he'd officially joined the Death Eaters.

And now there was no way to ever get back to the surface.


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