Chapter 1 : Featuring: Lorcan Scamander
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FEATURING -LORCAN SCAMANDER
Hello everyone, my name is Lorcan Scamander, but before you say anything I want to get something straight so we don’t have any issues further one that involve hexes and you on St. Mungo’s (not that it has happened before):
I AM NOT A BLOKE.
Oh my god! Shocking! Lorcan Scamander is not a bloke! But with a name like that, I would think it was a male!
No, people, I am not a man. I am also most definitely not a crup, a dragon, or an “it”, which generally refers to nonliving things such as rocks, twigs, and sunlight in an ecosystem. Plants could be used in this example, but I am one of the few with a strange different point of view that could fight you on the fact that plants are living things. I mean, how can plants be alive? They don’t think, they don’t speak, they don’t hear, they don’t feel. You kill them with a quick snatch out of the ground. So I’m sorry, despite what everyone says, I don’t think plants are living things. They may breathe, but we can do magic. I don’t think it gets more supernatural than that.
By the way, that doesn’t count as getting sidetracked. I was just stating my opinion, which is very important and deserves to be heard by the people of the world.
But let’s get back to my name. There is a simple answer to the fact, actually, that when people hear my name without meeting me they usually think I like girls (I do not):
My mother is fricking mental.
And that should be enough, right? Luna Scamander is mental, that’s a fact. As it’s a fact that I’m a girl, that rocks, twigs, and sunlight are nonliving things, and that plants do live (once again, I differ with that).
So telling you who is my mother should be enough for you.
But it isn’t, because you are information-crazed and psycho. You are still wondering how on earth I am a woman.
Well, apparently my mother seemed to think that her gorgeous little twins were going to be boys, so she spent lots of months thinking about the most perfect L names to go with her L name (as strange as it sounds, the woman is quite selfish and drop-kicked dad’s idea to have one of our names start with R, like his). What a surprise to see we were baby girls. Apparently she had done some weird crumple-horned Snorkack-crystal ball Divination thingie that told her she was having boys and believed in it so much that she couldn’t come to terms with the fact that it failed. But in the spirits of her inexistent creatures she christened me and my twin sister with boy names, therefore we are Lorcan and Lysander Scamander. What a joy.
I think I have definitely gotten the better end of the stick here because at least Lorcan is the type of name that can barely squeeze by as a girl’s, when my sister’s got the actual bloke name. But it fits her since she’s such a tomboy and all, so that’s good. Besides, she’s always been good with nicknames and insists people call her Lys, which mostly makes everyone think her real name is Elizabeth and only start asking questions by the deceptive spelling once they see it written out. It’s real funny, actually, when they arch their eyebrows with growing curiosity and ask why on earth her name is written as Elysabeth. Then she either tells them the truth or raises an eyebrow of her own, silently challenging to defy her, which of course no one does. Lys has always been the tougher of us both, while I’m the classier, feminine one. Lys replies that I’m a weak klutz and I tend to use the spell that sticks the tongue to the palate on her, something I have managed to master.
We are pretty close, Lys and I, although she’s always the one messing with me and hiding my things and pranking me and stuff. She also calls me Annie when feeling particularly annoying, just because she knows I hate it. I just don’t see myself as an Annie. How on earth does she go from Lorcan to Annie? The “An” at the end doesn’t have anything in it. My name isn’t necessarily one for nicknames, but if you wish you can call me Lorc, something I neither like nor hate. It’s just there.
Even so, I have many nicknames. Blondie, Barbie Doll, Dollie, Lorie, which is the one I stand the most. Blondie makes me roll my eyes and Barbie Doll makes me wanna stab myself. Dollie makes me wanna stab someone else and Lorie is really the only one in which no one gets hurt.
(My eye rolls are fairly deadly –frogs have been known to drop dead at the sight of it. So yeah, don’t make fun of me and beware.)
Some people also call me weird –which is something I don’t appreciate. Weird is my mother, not me. Like for example, today I was walking to Transfigurations when this seventh year bloke snickered “weird” at me. I huffed and whipped up my deadly eye-roll, before yelling after his quickly running back, “I AM NOT WEIRD! PLANTS CAN’T POSSIBLY BE LIVING THINGS, GOSH!”
They are not, why can’t people understand that?
Or maybe my brain doesn’t work at the same frequency…
No, that’s Lys’s.
Sigh. This is annoying.
And yes, I just said sigh. Just bear with me, alright? I’m not in the mood for your annoying questioning.
Thinking about that, I think that just overall, me and Lys can be kinda scary. We are both (people say, anyway) crazy, and tough, although, as I have mentioned, I am more feminine. I just think it’s like we both have strong opinions and don’t let others stomp on them. Like, when I insist plants aren’t living things, which they aren’t.
See? Strong opinion. No way will you ever get me to think otherwise. I’m also pretty stubborn –and that’s pretty wicked.
I’m also pretty –didn’t forget to mention that, right?
Well, you probably assumed so anyways. After all, I talk in this pretty, girlie voice that matches my pretty blond hair.
Although I’m not stupid.
Blondes aren’t dumb after all –just ask Lys. She’s fricking smart; always managing to get a higher score on Transfigurations than me and spends half the next day rubbing it in my face. Then she gets bored and goes studying or something.
I don’t study, it’s bloody awful.
It’s like weird because I don’t really –
“LORCAN LITUANIA SCAMANDER!”
Well, what a great way to totally ruin my wonderful, academy award-worthy monologue. Simply spiffing. Thanks so much, Lys.
The middle name? Seriously? Did Lys just yell bloody murder with the middle name? Isn’t my first name enough?
Oh gosh. Ignore it. That’s not my middle name. My middle name isn’t also a tiny European country.
Well, sod. Had almost managed to get away without bringing that annoying little nickname to light.
Apparently is urgent.
“SODDING HELL, GET IN HERE YOU DUMB BLONDE!”
Oooooooh no. She freaking didn’t.
Poking my head out the hallway, I frowned at my also-blonde sister. Well, not really per see, as her hair had appeared pink as soon as she took off the towel around it.
Oooooh right. I pranked her. Pfft. Where’s the urgency?
“I AM NOT DUMB! YOU ARE DUMB, YOU DUMB… PERSON!” I replied stupidly. Well, how smooth.
Lys shook her head, glaring at me as if I had just set her favorite teddy bear duck on fire.
I did once, so I recognize the glare.
“YOU TURNED MY HAIR PINK! WHAT ON THIS SODDING EARTH?!”
You see, normally I would have found the amount of shock (not the anger –used to it) in my twin sister’s voice offending, but this time I understood her. I’m not exactly what you call an avid pranker. More like the type that runs away shrieking when a shadow moves in the wall. Lys is the pranker, not me. But after she locked me in the attic wandless with a boggart she found hidden up on a dark shelf, I swore revenge. Of course, what could possibly top the Amazing Lys’s Horrid, Fantastic Pranks? And then it had hit me. Pink! Lys despises pink. And she loves her hair, which meant she would hate it if I turned her hair that particular hot magenta colour. So I did. And seems to me my prank has gone perfect.
“I GOT BACK AT YOU FOR BEING SUCH AN IDIOT!” I yelled. Exactly.
Lorcan Scamander: Boy Name and Comeback Master.
Lys rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall harshly. Gee, how harsh. “YOU BETTER TURN THIS BACK, OR I’LL TELL EVERYONE THAT YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS LITUANIA!”
Gasp. Yes, I say gasp too. You really should have seen this coming.
Alright, back at the matter at hand.
Oh no sodding way. Was she seriously trying to blackmail me? How desperate.
Still, my mouth formed an O of shock as I stared at my traitor sister. “ARE YOU BLACKMAILING ME?”
“I FIGURED SO!”
It’s simply fantastic how we are still yelling at each other when we are a door away –the bathroom door, per see. Even with all the twin telekinesis and mind-reading stuff we do because we are just that great.
Huffing, I quickly hatched a plan in my mind. “WELL IF YOU TELL EVERYONE MY NAME THEN I’LL TELL EVERYONE YOUR MIDDLE NAME!”
Now Lys gasped. “YOU CAN’T!”
“IF YOU CAN THEN SO CAN I!”
“THAT MAKES NO SENSE, DOLLHEAD!”
“WE ARE TWINS! IT SHOULD MAKE SENSE!”
“WELL, I DON’T WANT IT TO MAKE SENSE,” Lys replied snottily and folded her arms across her chest, her pink hair tumbling in a stringy, drenched mess from her scalp. How attractive.
“I’LL TELL EVERYONE YOUR MIDDLE NAME, LYS. YOU KNOW I WOULD.”
“YOU WOULDN’T –”
“LYSANDER LORELEI SCAMANDEEEER,” I snickered.
There was nothing absolutely worse than her middle name. It wasn’t the name of a tiny European country, but it wasn’t great either as to forget her boy name to take it up. So she’s always resented it.
Plus she didn’t like it. At all.
“YOU SO WOULDN’T!” She gasped.
“I SO WOULD,” I interjected, folding my arms across my chest.
“UGH, FINE!” Lys stormed back to her room in defeat, her pink hair fluttering behind her and sticking to her wet back.
You see, maybe having boy names isn’t as bad as I first thought.