Chapter 5 : Matters of the Heart - Adriana
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I carried on scribbling what she was going on about, trying to get as much detail as possible down. Sirius however, was making it his business to distract me; even though he knows full well how behind I actually am at everything. He was leaning back cockily on his chair, one of his hands massaging the top of my leg.
Slapping his hands away, I furiously wrote. Animagi are hard.
“Adey… copy my notes,” Sirius whispered seductively in my ear, despite myself I smiled. I loved having him that close that I could feel his breath on my skin. “This is a re-cap,” He told me, lightly sending butterfly kisses down my jaw-line.
I jerked my head away,
“Stop it Sirius,” I told him, I really wanted to get this myself. I mean I know I’ve never been the cleverest bulb in the box, but there’s some things that I just want to achieve in my life. A stable job being one of them… of course I’m not going to be able to do that with crap grades. And of course I get why everyone doesn’t mind lending me their notes… but I fell like they have one up on me always.
I want to do everything myself.
“Adeee….” Sirius whined, trying to own my attention. He really didn’t understand did he.
“Will you fuck of, seriously now!” I snarled really not in the mood for his theaticcals.
“What the fuck is up with you?” He said, I could hear the frustration rising in his voice
“You forget that I haven’t done none of this and if I want to graduate this year I have to know it!”
“No you were too busy raising the baby I didn’t know existed,”
“Don’t you dare… even go there,”
“What, it’s true? Whilst I was slaving away in the classroom you were feeding Summer like it was the hardest thing in the world,” He pratically barred his teeth at me.
“YOU HAVENT GOT A FUCKING CLUE!” I blew up at him right then and there. Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I want to be around that prat; he gets me so angry and he doesn’t care about anyone other than himself. And he’s actually not that great!
“Miss Bells! Detention!”
Have you ever just sat back and contemplated your life?
Why it was so messed up? What had you done for things to go this badly wrong? Just generally what had happened to the life where you used to party until early hours of the morning and not care what Sirius would say because he’d shat on me again?
Well most people don’t.
I did though. In my detention.
As much as I love Sirius with my fucking life, I really do hate him sometimes; and recently I’ve been thinking that maybe its time to just let go. But I can’t do that. And I know that, he knows that, hell even Lil and James know that. He’s the man in my life who I’ve always known will be there, if I ask him to he’ll come running; I hate that. I hate knowing that if I wanted it to end, it wouldn’t.
Sirius would fight to the death for us.
I know how unbelievably cute that is, and I do appreaciate him so much; but I can’t ever get away now and that kind of makes me sad.
Before I came back to Hogwarts, and I used to hang out with Ky, Cat and Jamie I never forgot about Sirius, he was just not the main thing on my mind. I didn’t think about the little curl at the top of his head which always reminded me of the pigs tail. I didn’t think about his gorgeous grey eyes that are so unique that I knew I was lucky to have such access to them. I didn’t think about how he undeniably loved me; and I didn’t think about how much I missed him.
Sometimes I think I should just leave Hogwarts, go back to those times and help Cat raise her baby; just like she helped raised mine… Sometimes I think I should forget about magic and just live as a muggle, its done me well in the past… sometimes I want to start over, with new friends, new boyfriends and a new life.
But I can’t do that now. Not just because of my Summer. But because of Lily, and James, and Remus, and even Marlene. But especially because of Sirius.
We’re not good together anymore. As much as my heart breaks to say it, where really not. He brings out the worst of me… and to be fair he always has. I’m a mother now, I can’t afford to let the worst of me out around my daughter. She’s the most important thing here; him around me isn’t good for Sum, he makes me anxious, nervous, angry. He makes me want to commit murder now and again too. And for some reason, that doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship between mother and father.
I can’t talk to him neither, I mean I can. But he’ll get annoyed and deny everything; then kiss all my troubles away, or I’ll get annoyed and hit him; then smother him in kisses to apolgise to him.
He won’t understand.
Lily will just assure me that we love each other, it’ll work out - but it wont. Not this time, this is too much - she wont understand.
James will side with Lil and Sirius; theres nothing up with use, your perfect together- but we’re not. Not this time - he won’t understand.
Marlene, well I’d never go to her with anything anyway. She’s Lily’s mate, I could care less about her.
She’d get everything, she’d understand what’s going on with me. She’d help me understand everything that’s messed up in my life; and she’d help me fix it. But shes a muggle. A muggle who knows nothing about magic, or Hogwarts. She wouldn’t understand if I explained it to her either, shed’ get confused and then I would. And it just would not end well.
“Proffessor?” I called Minnie, I hadn’t done copying up the notes, but I knew she’d be able to help me in a certain situation.
“Yes Miss Bells,” She turned around to look at me, it wasn’t a smirk of victory or a frown in defeat or even a glare in anger… she was simple passive.
“Er… if you trust someone enough… who’s a muggle I mean, could I tell them about magic?” I asked cautiously, we’d never discussed this in any subject in Hogwarts, therefore the reaction of the strictest teacher in the whole school, was completely unknown… crap.
“There are several procedures the muggles would have to go through before being told of course, why do you ask Miss Bells?” Minnie looked down at me, not in like a belittling way, just in a way to get a closer look at me. I smiled… should I tell her the whole story; she’s my head of house of course.
“There are…situations going on in my life… where my friend Cat could help me with profusely! And she wouldn’t understand so aspects…” I left it vague, I found myself wishing that Minnie would ask, just so I could pour my guts out. But I’m not going to let anything slip.
“… Miss Bells, if there is anything you need to talk about with me; I will not judge.” She said, I could tell that she was choosing her words carefully as she spoke. A feeling shot up through my stomach and I just felt … better in some way. Someone actually cared.
“Thank you professor,” I told her… unsure whether or not I’d go to Minnie. I mean, she’s my head of house; she’d know things about me that my best friend wouldn’t even know… and it would just be weird. I’d look into her judgemental eyes knowing every day that she was judging me… no matter what she said. She would.
“You can write a letter instead…if you’d rather,” She said… that idea seemed more plausible. I could take my frustrations out by telling someone, and I wouldn’t have to look at her eyes. She may know things, but if I try and avoid her until summer, then I’d probably succeed. My head was baffled.
The door swung open dramatically, causing Minnie and I to turn and stare incredulously; Minnie was too shocked to even say anything to her! Stood there, in the door way was my stupid, loveable, gorgeous boyfriend dressed in leather. Skin tight, patent black, stuck to his skin leather PANTS and leather jacket, opened to reveal his highly defined chest that belongs to me! Before I had a chance to burst with laughter, he slid the dark sunshades off of his eyes and onto the top of his head; causing his hair to stick up in different directions, making him look even better than he already did.
“Hello darling Minerva, mind if I steal my beautiful, gorgeous girlfriend who I adore so much?” he said, in a low voice I’m sure he was trying to do an impression of somebody- but he completely failed! Sirius even attempted a little thrust movement, where Minnie and I could see too much of his… area! She looked mortified.
“Su-sure!?” she squeaked! Genuinely squeaked, I giggled and ran towards him. Grinning he opened his arms and caught me tightly as I jumped onto his torso, wrapping my legs tightly around him. This was the most spontaneous thing we’d done all term. Last year, we always did little dress up’s like this one; this was before I had the baby, now it seemed totally more exciting and fun now. Knowing that this was slightly wrong for parents to do, but I love my man. As much as I hate him, but I really love him.
I smothered his face with sloppy kisses, just to get across that he’s mine forever and he no longer has a choice in the matter.
“I love you,” He whispered into my ear, softly nipping my ear lob. I jumped off of him, but kept my body nestled into his as he led me back to the apartment type thing that Dumbledore provided us with upon Summer and my arrival at Hogwarts,
“What’s all this about?” I asked him gesturing to all of the tight clothes, with a smirk. He grinned hopelessly as I looked up at him,
“I’m Elvis,” He grinned proudly, and yes I burst out with laughter… he was the furthest away from Elvis, no maybe if he styled his hair slightly then he could!
“Hey!” He pouted ridiculously, I knew what he was doing. He was trying to make me laugh and forget about whatever was on my mind, and for once… I was going to let him succeed.
“Protection,” I laughed out as we reached our portrait, our portrait… I would never tire of saying that. Stepping into the room, Sirius hung back slightly; gasping I realised. All over the floor and the sofa where pale pink rose petals, sprinkled lightly everywhere, even a few on the steps; in the middle of the room, there was an antique table with a dinner set up on it, plates of food waiting for us. I turned around and looked at Sirius with my mouth wide open,
“I did it all myself, without magic mind you. I cooked the food too, so if its not nice then we can bin it and get the house elves to come make us something. Remus and Marl are babysitting Summer for the night in the common room… do you like it?” He stuttered nervously, too shocked for any words to successfully come out of my mouth, I wandered back over to him wrapping my arms around his neck and kissed him passionately.
I can’t believe he’d done all of this.
“I’ll take that as a yes then,” he murmured against my lips before kissing me again. I love him so much.
We were sitting around the petite table, I ran my hand lightly down the leg of the table feeling the softness of the wood and admiring the regal look that it gave. My eyes were connected to Sirius’ and we just sat their starring at each other, what did I do so right to be able to deserve someone as brilliant, gorgeous and sensitive as he is? I don’t know, but I sure am grateful…
I dug my fork into the food in front of me, I smiled knowing that it would be good… he made it.
Surprisingly it wasn’t the best I’ve ever tasted, but it was edible and I enjoyed it so much; he cooked it for me. No-ones ever cooked me a meal before. Because its Sirius, it makes it ten times better.
“So really why did you do all of this,” I gestured around the room, I knew it wasn’t everything he was letting on.
“I just thought it would be nice, and after we’ve ate we can practise some Transfiguration if you wanted?” He asked shyly, then I knew that something was up with him; he was being overly nice and willingly help me to study.
“no, really; why?” I asked him, lowering the fork to the bowl of pasta below it.
“I-I knew you had doubts about us working this morning in Minnie’s class. I just wa-wanted to show you how much I do care, and you sho-shouldn’t doubt us. Because I’ll make it work, I’ll change everything to be with you,” He practically whispered, his voice slowly building confidence towards the end.
I closed my eyes slightly, I want us to work I really do; but we have to stop everything that we used to do and have been doing. He may be able to do that, but we wont be us. We wont be Adriana and Sirius. We’ll be to completely different people, and I don’t know if I could love a completely different Sirius.
“We’ll try baby,” I muttered back and lowered my head, here it is. That feeling creeping up, my body engulfing me within it.
Guilt, anguish, doubt.
“Adey,” Sirius whispered reaching for my hand, I drew it away slowly and tuck back into the pasta that Sirius had made us. My heart ached, he would seriously do anything for us; now I think its time to step back and let everything happen.
The final sex.
The final kiss.
The final touch
The final word.
The final goodbye.
It was time…
I really really really miss your annoying little voice first thing in the morning!
And I miss your mum laughing at me when I run to yours with no make-up and the baby hanging onto my back!
Surprisingly enough, I miss the estate. I miss Jamie and the boys! And I’m even starting to miss the way Kyle made me laugh when I was about to cry.
I’ve really needed you lately babe, next week it’s the half term isn’t it!
i'm gunna try an be there, I’ll exlpain everything then,
I love you Catty Tatty!
- Adriana ;) xxxx
I scribbled quickly enough, I know its not normal to take half term week away from Hogwarts; but I really do need to see Cat. I need to rant about how I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my whole relationship status. Sirius has been brilliant, showing his affection to me and the baby, helping out immensely with looking after Sum and my revision. He’s been the best; but there’s still a feeling inside of me that this isn’t right. I don’t know why but it doesn’t feel proper.
Running into Charms about 10 minutes late, I slipped in next to Lily at the back of the room; hoping Flitwick wouldn’t notice me. He didn’t.
“Hey,” I whispered to Lils quietly!
“Your late,” She sang back, well someone’s in a good mood this morning,
“I know, I was writing Cat about next week,” Lils is the only one I’ve told about my plan for the next week, Sirius wouldn’t be happy knowing I was back there. I don’t what he’d do, but until its all planned and sorted he cant find out; this pretty much ruled out James, Remus and Marlene.
“I can’t believe your going to miss our last ever Halloween party!” She droned on slightly, see every year the Marauders throw a legendary Halloween party, by invitation only. Some girls dream from first year to get a special invite. Thing is there’s only 3 invitations given to each year group in each house. Course you get a plus one but they have to be approved. Lily, Benjy Price and I are guaranteed every year!
“They’ll go all out wont they,” I pondered, they were amazing parties. And they always had a good atmosphere, I should be there too. Considering I missed last years as well… hmm.
“Miss Evans can you give me the indication for the cheering charm?” Flitwick chose that moment to but in and call on Lils for an answer… I didn’t know this answer so I looked at Lils expectantly, she was good at Charms.
“Diffundo” Lil said straight away, her brain probably didn’t even have to think about that!
“Very well done Miss Evans!” whoa, over enthusiastic much! “20 points to Gryffindor!” meh, least we got house points! “I know you all mastered that spell in your fifth yeah, today we will be practising the opposite! The calming charm, this is a lot more difficult as you have to feel the sadness whilst saying in indication ‘mitescere’”
Ah, so I think we can safely say I’m failing charms.
“pair yourselves up and practise this, using the same arm movements as the cheering . Point and jab! Take extra care with the ‘sc’ as it is a difficult pronunciation!” Flitwick shouted over the moving bodies and scraping chairs. I moved to face Lil so she could be my partner, but she was already paring with James! Traitor.
“I’ll partner you Ade!” The overly happy voice of Marlene McKinnon shouted over towards me.
Its not that I don’t like Marlene, I do really we shared a dormitory for years, I can get along with her really well; yet she is so happy all of the time. Which is kind of weird, because she’s a bitch. Not like ‘eurg your fat get the fuck away from me’ bitchy like I used to be or, ‘uh, your not pretty enough to be friends with us’ bitchy that Lily used to be like; she’s a whole new level, like ‘I slept with your boyfriend and he was so good and I’m going to be happy because I know I just fucked you over!’
Not even I was that level.
I slept with peoples boyfriends but I paraded it and made sure people knew…
Marl cries and declares she didn’t mean it to happen.
But she did. I know she did.
Anyways, she was there for Lils and James and Remus and eugh even Sirius when I wasn’t hear to look after them; she was the friend that gushed over Lily and James’ first date. Honestly I was thankful to her, she kept my friends close and together. So I tolerated her. And luckily for me, she was one of the best Charms students!
“Hey Marls,” I said to her as she approached,
“Hey Ade, want me to go first?” she asked cheerily, drawing her wand on me. I nodded in response and slouched in my chair casually, she muttered in indication and nothing happened. I looked around the room and everyone else was starring too, looking to see if anything anywhere had happened.
“Do you feel depressed?” Marl asked hopefully
“Nope,” I laughed, and she did too. I tried it on her and I completely failed, obviously.
A few tries later we gave up and just started chatting, I know she’s my best friends good friend, but Marl and me haven’t really had much time to catch up on the things girls talk about.
“You know Clark Whittikar,” she asked eagerly, swaying forward slightly.
“Ravenclaw dating fellow Ravendork student Rebecca Willis?” I asked, Whittikar was way way to hot to be labled Ravendorks like the rest of them; damn that sound so stuck up and bitchy. Woop.
“Okay, promise not to judge?” she asked, feigning sweetness that just went straight threw me.
Of course I’ll judge you, you dirty little whore.
“Course not, when do I judge?” I raised my eyebrows commandingly,
I always judge her.
“I had him last week, and gosh was he the best since Sirius last year,”
See what I mean?
She doesn’t give a shit.
Clark and Rebecca Willis have been together almost three years. Straight. With no breaks. Becca would be crushed if she found out.
Oh, and don’t think I didn’t notice that little dig at me. Through Sirius though? Hmp, shes more of a scheming bitch than I had originally thought.
“You and Sirius, huh?” I asked, knowing that I wasn’t sounding nearly as bitchy as I need to me; honestly I think that’s kind of good, shows that I’m not as pathetically immature as I used to be.
“It was last year hunny; but I know why you keep him around!” she giggled in a way which she though I would like. Like I would like the thought of her being with my boyfriend.
“Your such a slag Marl,” I told her, wanting her to feel the pain and the sadness that every girl has felt when they found out their boyfriend slept with Marlene McKinnon whilst they were still together, “mitescere” I muttered.
Marlene sank down in her seat and several tears started to fall down her face.
Oh my merlin.
I just got something right
“Professor I did it!” I was estastic! I hadn’t got something right in this lesson since I’d been back in September! Flitwick waddled over to us and he looked Marlene up and down considerably before turning back to me.
“Congratulations Miss Bells! 20 points to Gryffindor!” he squeaked at me. I looked at Sirius + Remus and James + Lil, they all looked so proud of me, and that was a good feeling! One I hadn’t felt in a while, they were proud of me!
Sirius wasn’t happy. Of course it didn’t need a genius to figure that one out. You’d think I’d committed serious betrayal with the way he was acting towards this all; but I was going to the estate that my daughter was born on, to see one of my best friends and hold her hand as she gives birth. She’s due this week, and I’m excited to see her and Jamie and Nanny and the new baba.
“You know that this is one of the busiest weeks of the year for us Marauders! And it’s the last party Ade, I need to be here and set it up!” He huffed and puffed, I don’t know what’s got his knickers in a twist, he’s not coming with.
“Your staying here! I’M going to see Cat and Jamie!!” I told him angrily, he wasn’t getting the point!
“What and you think I’ve got time to baby sit Summer? I’ll only just have time to sort the party out!” he sighed, running on hand through his hair. I flopped back onto the sofa, he wasn’t understanding anything I was saying to him at all was he?
“She’s coming with me. Summer and Adriana are going back to the estate to stay with Aunty Cat, Uncle Jamie, Nanny Rose! Clear enough” I told him laying my head back on this now worn sofa, seriously arguing with Sirius took a lot out of me.
There was a pause.
I think Sirius sat himself on the kitchen counter, as I just heard steady breathing. I didn’t look up at him, I didn’t want to see his facial expression.
“You want me to go a week without seeing you?” His voice now seemed more soft and preserved,
“Sirius, I miss my friends… don’t you think we need this?” I whispered back, moving forward to graze my hand against his face. His eyes slowly opened and I stared into them, passive and reserved.
“Time apart?” he said, his voice cracked and my heart did too, the pain rippled across his face at the same time it tore upon my chest. I stayed silent, not denying it. “You wanna break it off?” he said, I closed my eyelids at this. I couldn’t let the tears overspill my face, not now.
“Space of our own, we just need some space of our own.”
“Still together though?” he asked, tilting my chin upwards forcing my to look into his eyes. I felt horrible; the hope filled his face and he was pleading with me.
“Yeah, course,” I wasn’t exactly lying, we were still going to be together whilst I’m away…
Authors Note: hey, hope you like this chapter. i do feel more comfortable writing Ade, so hope you all like it. Also i hope you like all of the different aspects of Ade and Sirius' relationship and how messed up it has become, modelled on my previous relationship!
well review pleasssseeeee!
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