The one night I leave her on her own. The one night, and she ends up in St. Mungo’s. Kingsley had sent me a patronus. She looks peaceful, sleeping at least. The cut had been deep, and had hit some organs. Plus she’d been hit with some dark curses. They had fixed her, but had given her a dreamless sleep potion to help her sleep through the painful healing.
I’m sitting here, just waiting for her to wake up. Kingsley had Todd back at Grimmuald Place. We still didn’t know what to do with him. I stroke her hair. Merlin, she’s beautiful. She was all I thought about. Lying on my bed, I had been thinking about her and Todd, wondering how their relationship was, feeling guilty for wishing it was horrid and she’d break up with him.
It had been midnight when Kingsley had sent for me. They had nearly finished healing her by then.
Before the silver lynx faded away I was already out of the room. “There was a battle at a muggle’s place. Tonks was hurt. She’s at St. Mungo’s now…” It had said more, but I didn’t stay to listen. I just wanted to make sure Dora was okay. I jump the stairs, landing on each level, quickly making my way out the door.
I apparate right outside of St. Mungo’s. Making it past the security mannequin, and short line, I go to the welcome witch.
“I’m here to see Nymphadora Tonks,” I rush.
“I’m sorry sir, but she’s being healed right now. You’ll have to wait in the waiting room down the hall to your left.” I nod and leave.
“Remus,” Kingsley greets. “The healers say she’ll be put in a room in an hour. They’re nearly finished.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“You’ve hurt her, Remus. She doesn’t need you leading her on.” Leading her on? I’ve done no such thing!
“What are you talking about? She knows we can’t be together. I’ve told her so many times.”
“You weren’t there when you first left. You didn’t see her. You didn’t see the way she held herself, like she could fall apart any second. You don’t know how bad it was. I swear, I was afraid she was going to kill herself.”
“Dora would never…”
“I found a letter. She’d gotten a cold, I guess about a week after you left. She took a few days off work, and I went by to check on her. I found this,” he says, handing me a piece of parchment, “next to her. She’d fallen asleep writing it. I took it, and woke her up.” I scan the letter.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel like myself anymore. Merlin, I don’t feel like living anymore. I miss him, I want him back. Why did he have to do this to us? I saw how it hurt him. He’s all I can think about. I try wearing my hair pink like he likes, but it won’t always change for me.
Why does he affect me like this? I shouldn’t be like this. I’ve never felt this way before, not even when Jacob died. He shouldn’t be able to do this to me. I’m stronger than this. But I can’t find my strength. I can only see him. But that will never happen again. He won’t be back. Once Remus has his mind made up, there’s no changing it.
But I could change this. I could. I could end it. It would be so simple, just apparate into the middle of the ocean. Not move out of the Knight Bus’ way. Find Bellatrix, and just not fight back. Maybe I should, I don’t know. Kings said not to do anything stupid, but is it stupid? I don’t know. I just have to do something, anything. If I don’t, I’ll go crazy. I don’t think it’s stupid. Really, maybe I should just
The letter or note or whatever stops. Maybe she should what? Kill herself? She didn’t. Talk to someone? That’s what I told her to do when she felt like everything was gone. Trembling, I hand the letter back to him.
“But she…seems okay.”
“She can put up a good front. You of all people should know that, Remus. She’s depressed.”
“Nonsense. She smiles all the time.”
“Does she? I don’t see it. In fact, her birthday party was the first time I’d saw her smile in forever.”
“How do you know she’s depressed?” My voice is shaky.
“She went to the healers about a bit after this.” He holds up the letter. “They told her she was depressed, and it was affecting her ability to morph.” I don’t have to ask why she’s depressed. “Remus, if I find out your screwing with her, I will personally see to it that you are punished. That crap at the party was bad enough.”
“I just…Mark was…and then…I didn’t mean to. Merlin, I wish I hadn’t. Really, if I knew this was…I would never…I didn’t realize how wrong I was for her until I met Greyback.” I couldn’t explain. Rarely was I at a loss for words, but now I couldn’t grasp one.
“The only reason I even told you was because before she lost consciousness she said your name. She said some other stuff, but your name was the last thing.” He looked at me. “Don’t mess with her. I have to figure out what to do with Todd.”
“What’s Todd have to do with this?”
“She tried to get away to apparate, but he must have followed and touched her just in time. He was there for the whole thing.”
“She’s been dating him. I think she’s letting us-me-go.”
“I want to say I hope so. But I think you were good for her Remus, no matter what you think. Look at her job, and she’s in the Order. You don’t make her life that much more dangerous. No matter what you think.” Did he want me with her or not? “Sort yourself out. You should see that your reasons have no backing.” He claps me on the shoulder and walks away.
I look out the window. It had gotten light while I had been thinking. The sun was already up. I take Dora’s hand, memorizing the feel of it in mine. “I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t wake up. There’s so much I want to tell you. So much I’m afraid to say.
“It’s not your pink hair that attracted me, it was you. You were so…I don’t know. The fact you’re beautiful was just a bonus. You could look like an old woman, and I wouldn’t care. It’s you I love, not your appearance.” I sigh, looking at the ground and closing my eyes. “I’m sorry I’ve messed you up so badly. I didn’t realize…I wish things were different. I wish I wasn’t a werewolf. Then none of this would have happened, and we could have been married with a child on the way. We could have had the perfect life. That’s what I want for you. I want you to have everything.” I sit back in the chair, releasing her hand. “The happy family, children and all, the job you love, the house you want. I’m sorry I can’t give that to you. That’s why you have to be with someone else.”
“But I don’t want anyone else,” a weak voice says. My eyes shoot open as I look at her.
“You’re awake? I didn’t…How long have you been awake?”
“A while. I was watching you sleep for a bit. I saw you’re eyes flutter open, so I pretended.”
“You’re a true Black after all.” Her eyes darken. Is she getting over the depression? Her eyes have been changing a little lately. Maybe she’s getting better.
“I should hex you for that.” She smiles weakly.
“How are you feeling?”
“Okay. I’m tired though.”
“You just slept all night.”
“I know,” she yawns. She blinks a couple times. “Where did that huge speech come from, anyway?”
Should I tell her what Kingsley had told me? Would she be angry? “Er-”
“He showed you the letter, didn’t he?”
“Yeah,” I say, surprised. She looks at me, biting her lip. “Would you…Are you…” I can’t ask. I just shake my head.
“Would I? Probably not. I was just trying to sort through all my thoughts.”
“That means you thought about it.” She doesn’t say anything. “Do you still?”
“That doesn’t matter, Remus. Thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more.”
“Thoughts are powerful things. This whole war started out as just one persons thought.”
“Just thinking about something can’t make it happen,” she argues, saying the words slowly.
“What makes you say that?” She stares up at the ceiling, her eyes half closed. I take her out held hand, moving my chair closer to the bed so she could lie on the (unhurt) side. Forcing her eyes open, she looks right into mine she says, “Because either I would be dead, or you wouldn’t be here just as my friend.” She stares at me for a couple seconds before her eyes close again.